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Haven't seen him in almost 2 year's then BOOM - He's HOME

Old 08-27-2012, 06:55 PM
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Haven't seen him in almost 2 year's then BOOM - He's HOME

Almost 2 year's ago, my AH, packed up and left me
Got divorced while he moved 2,000 miles away
It's been a ride to say the least
He finally got sober & he's been sober now for 8 month's

Last night he knocked on my back door
I stood my ground's, umm, some might say "Biotche"
I unleashed my bottled up- thought's, feeling's, emotion's
Didn't sleep at all - Deep gut cried all night long

I believe it's all in the plan - Don't know why or how come
But I owned it

Tonight, we had dinner together
He still lives with guilt, shame and major denial.
I really feel like Im a grade or 2 ahead of him, in "recovery"
I was surprised he hasnt learned more about "himself" - I
would of thought, after 2 rehabs and nightly AA meetings, he would
of been farther than where he is at today. That surprised me!!

I felt like more like his "Alanon" counselor more than anything else
There was time's when my gut hurt, I shed alot of tear's
I told him, we could be friend's, but as far as getting
back together. It is not time, and dont know if it will ever be....

He asked me if he could move home! - That made my head spin!!

He's not made amend's to my children
And I will never put a man before my children ever again
I told him, it's up to him and God, not me
Im done fixing things - There was issues with him and my daughter
And those issues, run deep in my soul and her's

Honestly, alot of mixed feeling's, once again, hard to say good-bye
but atleast now, I have truely let go and letting God
and as of today, we parted as friends

I do love him, but I know after 2 days of living with him
I would more than likely would be sitting in the county jail

If he passes thru again, if the timing is right, we will have dinner again
He is a bit slower thinking and he did get side tracked a few times
I had to pull his train of thought, to finish the conversation a few times
Made me realize - how much I love my dogs and my peaceful little
home.

It hurt - It really hurt - It hurt to keep my hands in my pocket
and not whip out my "fixing" tools - The sad face, The lonely stare,
The wet tears - that he had on his face. Was freaking hard to look
at - Made my gut & heart hurt

One of my gf's was around, she got mad at me, and said how
can you talk to him like that, after he just has told you he was sorry??
I told her, Im done pussyfooting around. Done that for too many years.
It is what it is......She has been thru Alanon too, thought she would
of understood - How messed up this stuff can be.....?????

This time, I told him - See you later ~ Without a kiss - just a warm hug

Amends Done - Lets turn the page & move on......

I learned to follow my gut, because it's the only thing on me, that
hasnt been played with........and it worked!!!
Not easy..but forward

YOUR THOUGHTS ARE:?????
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Old 08-27-2012, 07:02 PM
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Sometimes it's much longer than two years and suddenly they show up.

Thank you for sharing your lovely story. One never knows when we are in the middle of our stories or near the end. All we can do is try to know ourselves as best we can, and communicate from that.
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Old 08-27-2012, 07:05 PM
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Sounds like you are a really strong person and have your head on straight. Good for you! Wow, 2 years is a long time then to resurface ...I hope if that ever happens to me that I will have your strength. I am sure it was bittersweet.
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Old 08-27-2012, 07:50 PM
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I think this shows the power of recovery. Your story is very touching and may give inspiration to others about what growth in recovery is possible.

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Old 08-28-2012, 09:07 AM
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I remember thinking 8 months was long enough to be at a place of humility, and for some alcoholics in AA, it is. But in my case, I never got amends made to my girls, my family, or an acknowledgement of my feelings. He did say sorry to me for some things that happened. And he did get better at checking himself while he spoke, but not much in the way of humility and honesty.

I got, even 18 months sober (so he says) that he was in this 'bad marriage' and although he would admit alcoholism 'played a part', there was much more to it all. I never agreed with that - alcoholism was the problem. And short term sobriety wasn't going to magically fix everything - like trust and confidence. Those things take time. Apparently he ran out of time.

I am happy you can keep distance between you both, and know that it will be a long time and a lot of emotional sobriety under his belt before you'd even consider getting involved again.

I hope he makes amends to your kids. Mine are acutely aware he never addressed any of the drinking and bad behavior to them. And for that - neither liked him when we did try to get back together. That was an uncomfortable couple of months.

Stay strong, my friend!
~T
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Old 08-28-2012, 09:15 AM
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Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
And I will never put a man before my children ever again
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Old 08-28-2012, 09:34 AM
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Tuffgirl - It took alot to stand back and look at the whole picture and ask myself
what was I worth? - Let alone peace with my children. Even though they are grown
adult's - It hurt's

We talked about amend's - I brought the story up that we had heard in rehab at family day. Alittle girl told her dad if he came home and drank again, she would go back to cutting her wrist.

- I told him, that my daughter did not say those type's of thing's - but she took other actions in her life, (got into a very abusive relationship) - to help ease her pain. A different story of the little girl in rehab, but all with the same meaning of trying to hide
and run from pain of living with an alcoholic parent -Umm, that made him cry. Guess, he never thought of it that way. - It was hard to share stories like that, but damn it - Im sick of him thinking - he's done nothing wrong! - I think he know's what he has done, BUT, he think's Im gonna sweep it under the carpet, like I "USE" to do...
I think he learned/saw a new "me"

Got some sleep last night. Still alittle sad. But all in all....It's a peaceful feeling to know
that I have finally stood up for myself and got honest with myself!!!
Yeah, for me - Huh? - Some might not understand the hell it's been to climb this mountain, but God was there, pulling me up the entire way.....

Amend's is huge in anyone's recovery- I believe in them 210% - He said, he would never want to hurt the kid's again, and making amend's/contacting them, would hurt them. So he stays away from them......Another "Lame" excuse in my eye's, but it's his street to sweep, not mine...
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Old 08-28-2012, 10:04 AM
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(((((BobbyJ)))))

Some might not understand the hell it's been to climb this mountain, but God was there, pulling me up the entire way.....
We here, do understand. We are all climbing that mountain, we are just on different plateaus at the moment. I figure I will continue to climb (grow) the mountain until the day I die. And the funny thing is, I like the growing and changing today. I like WORKING ON ME, and in the beginning way back when (my growth started in AA, lol) all I could do was GROAN thinking I can't do this. "What an order!"

You have come so far Bobby, you really make my heart smile!!!!!!!!!

One of the reasons I stay on these forums (F&F, and the Alcohol mostly) is because by reading and participating, I get 'heart smiles' almost daily from someone on here!!!!!

Today it was your turn. Thank you!

Love and hugs,
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Old 08-28-2012, 12:44 PM
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Originally Posted by BobbyJ View Post
Amend's is huge in anyone's recovery- I believe in them 210% - He said, he would never want to hurt the kid's again, and making amend's/contacting them, would hurt them. So he stays away from them......Another "Lame" excuse in my eye's, but it's his street to sweep, not mine...
yes and yes. It is a lame excuse (I got a lot of lame excuses too, mostly about how I wouldn't allow him to make amends to the girls)

But it is his side of the street.

I made lots of amends to my girls for introducing this into their lives. I still say sorry on occasion, even when they tell me to stop saying it!
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Old 08-28-2012, 01:00 PM
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He said, he would never want to hurt the kid's again, and making amend's/contacting them, would hurt them. So he stays away from them......Another "Lame" excuse in my eye's,
You know, when I did my 'first' Step 9 in my recovery from my alcoholism, I had a VERY LONG LIST of folks that I MUST make amends to.

I have to be honest, my children were the last one's on that list. When my sponsor and I talked about it, because she came right and asked me why they were last on my list, I had to tell her that I knew they were going to be the hardest ones to make and I needed time and experience before I went to them. She just nodded her head, lol

Well as I started to make my 'amends' their names quickly moved up my list ahead of others, and before I knew it I had them at the top of the list (maybe after i had made 2 or amends).

Yes, it is HIS recovery, and you know that, I know that, and others know that. However, I suspect, that if he is really serious about working a program of recovery and turning his life around, that those 'amends' to the kids will be made in the not to distant future. Just as I myself had so much trouble with my amends to those I had hurt the worst (my kids, my immediate family, etc) I have seen the same 'delays' happen with those I have sponsored.

I will pray that your Ex's HP helps him to do the next right thing.

And again, YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love and hugs,
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Old 08-28-2012, 01:21 PM
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with HIS recovery...i dont think he is there YET....I really dont think how HONEST and HUMBLE he really needs to be...IMO

as for your recovery...that is awesome, you know what you can handle and not handle..and your boundaries...

personally? i think you shocked him when he asked to move back home.... I think that was a TEST see how far YOU have become...( not him, because lets face it, the 1st year is to be the toughest)
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Old 08-28-2012, 02:26 PM
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Laurie - You are exactly right.


The problem I see with him making amends is: He has lived his entire life, of blowing things/feelings off. (Learned childhood behavior)

Like for instance: In the middle of a deep relationship conversation. He will interupt with
"Hey, do you know if that store sell's oil?" - ---And I'm like.. "WTH"?? lol


He has alway's avoided thing's (all serious relationship/friendship problems/talks) - He was good at it when he was drunk, that's all....

- So for him to make amend's, it will take God to do that, because it is truely against his nature..

His amend's to me, his parent's was: Im sorry, not let's get this party started!

The kid's amend's - Wow! I will not hold my breath, that's for sure!

(His sponsor & 6 night's of AA) - From the question's I asked him. It sounded
more like "Sober Happy Social Hour". Where they understand him, and accept him
for who he is, and the people are really nice there. They joke alot!
And- his sponsor's name, happens to be the same name as his employer
You know what I'm thinking, right!?!?

And those word's are alway's there - Cunning & Baffling

I admire you for making amend's - That is priceless!!!!!!!
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