changeschoices

So, it's been four months since I made my AXBF move out due to his drinking. We have kept in contact because we have been in touch about him paying me back money he owes me, and eventually because he got sober for two months and was sounding reasonable and things were civil via email. Then he relapsed and has wanted to talk to me on the phone, has emailed me about how he plans to go back to AA, and this week says that he is definitely going and wants to keep in touch with me and let me know how it's going. That he is very serious this time, etc., etc.

At the same time, I can see on Facebook that he is still in contact with all the old bad influences. Also, he knows that I have been dating someone else for the past two months and that I am no longer free to date him.

He wants to talk on the phone and I'm getting weary of this. I am dating a normal guy and I am slowly letting things develop. My anxiety disorder seems to be going into remission and after two difficult job layoffs in the past few years, I moved this summer into a new little house with my children and am feeling optimistic about the affordibility of my new house and just life in general.

I don't understand why my AX wants to talk to me. It seems that I am moving on and he has chosen his old life of depravity again. But then he talks about sobriety and suddenly wants to talk to me again. I feel that I represent sanity to him and that's all well and good, but I feel like I am being used as a support. I said I would always support him in his sobriety efforts, but now I feel annoyed, like he is wasting my time and for what purpose? I feel wary about his desire to stay in contact with me. Why is he trying to keep me around?

Bluebonnet1

I asked a friend that same question today and she said "you are his lifeline". It's like he's replaced a physical addiction with an emotional one. I also tried to be supportive, but I felt like I gave an inch and he took a mile. Going NC was a tough decision for me because it felt like a betrayal, but I'd asked for space, I'd asked for him to leave me alone...he even kept texting me the weekend I was away visiting my parents and I asked him to leave me alone. I, like you, am afraid I will always be his crutch if I don't cut it off now. Not sure that really helps with your question, but just know that you are to alone, and you need to do what's best for you. Don't let the stress of supporting him ruin this potential relationship.

Katiekate

It really doesn't matter, you have moved on, new guy, healthy relationship, new home, you said you want a more peaceful happy life, you are building it, keep going. Whatever his reasons for keeping you in the loop are probably just a manipulation to get back his enabler.

You have made such wonderful changes and progress in your life, nice work.

Seren

I would humbly ask that perhaps that question could be reversed. Why do you still want to talk to him? You have just as much control over whether or not you have any contact with him at all. If looking at his facebook page and talking to him is troubling to you--if it disturbs your peace, why continue? You do have that power.....

rdlesstraveled

changeschoices,

I am going through something similar. I too think that I am a lifeline. Although flattering to the ego, my soul still feels deprived because he does not want me in his life "by choice" (as in a normal relationship), he "depends" on me. It is not love on his end, (well maybe in his own way it is) but a relationship of convenience. I will lose either way because if and when he gets healthy, I more than likely won't be needed anymore. And if he doesn't get healthy, I may be "needed" but also hated. Lose-lose situation.

suki44883

You have truly moved on when you stop taking his calls, forget the money he owes you, stop looking at his facebook, and go completely no contact. You each have your reasons for staying connected. His are emotional, yours are financial. Decide which is more important to you and then act accordingly.

fourmaggie

without change, there would be no change...so, you have done all that, but still feel trapped in the usual co dependent behaviour(s)

you have done the work...you need to validate that you have surpassed all of the As choas...

you dont need him for anything...
get your big girl pants on..and go no contact and make it clear by NOT ANSWERING HIM...

ooh ya and your cash that he owes you...? let it go, make a clear stand that it was a mistake made and you will never see it again...

changeschoices

Well, I figured out why he wanted to call me tonight. He can't live at his brother's anymore (wonder why? the drunken, all-weekend binges?) and he wants to not pay me back for a couple months so he can get up the money to get an apartment. When I responded that that wasn't acceptable to me, I got a huge guilt trip about how he thought I loved him, this isn't how you treat someone you love, etc.

Weird that I feel nothing for him anymore. I don't feel guilty and I don't care what happens to him anymore. But I desperately need that money back. Maybe I am going to have to accept the loss. If he gets his own place, he will never be able to afford to pay me back. It seems his job is gathering evidence to fire him anyway, so I no longer have any hope of him continuing to pay me. Sigh...

Shadydeal

Based on my experience with XABF you should likely write it off and move forward! An active A is not likely to honor much of anything other than what they need! I went thru the same issue and wont get into that pathetic story but I thought allowing him to stay at my house would insure paymt. Nope insured Hell! In the end, he just drank more, li thru him out, binge lost job...being the great enabler I was I sure he had somewhere to stay! Only to do the same there...ended up a big fat heart breaking disaster! Never ended up getting a dime back, for the first time in my life I had to call the police on several occasions. Always about his needs! In the end, when he realized I'd had enough I was enforcing my boundaries.....he was done with me! USED! The saddest part....I allowed it but he gets to live w it!

Learn2Live

Manipulative. And we always think it's something to do with true feelings but our instincts tell us something fishy is going on. So glad you figured it out before getting sucked back into the sickness.

JenT1968

thing is, even this isn't real, your ego is being fooled.

Because it isn't really "you" he needs or depends on, it is the functions you provide, and in my experience the person providing those function is completely disposable/interchangeable.

even my ego wasn't very flattered by that when I worked it out.