Advice on whether I should send this message to AGF...
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
justabloke,
you will get closure, but it will come from inside you. I have, it has taken a while, but it came, and not from anything my ex-husband did or didn't do.
I did actually sit down and think what could he say or do that would make it all better, that would make what I went through OK? there was no reasonable excuse, nothing that he could say or do that I could believe that would help me understand enough to get closure, to finalise that hurt. I had to work on that myself.
Eventually a realisation came that whatever the rights and wrongs and things I had to work through as a result of the traumas I'd been through, on one level we simply didn't work out as a couple, and that said nothing about my worthiness as a human being. Or his, there didn't need to be a right or wrong (although there were many wrongs on both sides, and if you force me to pick who was "most" wrong - it was him
[no, really it was 
]). I was hurt, he was too, I think I had more "right" to be hurt, but what does that really matter? I worked through it. I'm happier now, I don't know about him, but that's his business. You will be happier too, not happier in comparison to her, or anyone else, but happier in yourself. That will be your closure, not the words or actions of someone else.
you will get closure, but it will come from inside you. I have, it has taken a while, but it came, and not from anything my ex-husband did or didn't do.
I did actually sit down and think what could he say or do that would make it all better, that would make what I went through OK? there was no reasonable excuse, nothing that he could say or do that I could believe that would help me understand enough to get closure, to finalise that hurt. I had to work on that myself.
Eventually a realisation came that whatever the rights and wrongs and things I had to work through as a result of the traumas I'd been through, on one level we simply didn't work out as a couple, and that said nothing about my worthiness as a human being. Or his, there didn't need to be a right or wrong (although there were many wrongs on both sides, and if you force me to pick who was "most" wrong - it was him
[no, really it was ]). I was hurt, he was too, I think I had more "right" to be hurt, but what does that really matter? I worked through it. I'm happier now, I don't know about him, but that's his business. You will be happier too, not happier in comparison to her, or anyone else, but happier in yourself. That will be your closure, not the words or actions of someone else.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I've learned...
I can't help anyone but myself.
That it is best to allow others to make their own decisions about their own lives.
That it is best not to try to impose my ideas about how to live life on anyone else.
That if a person has chosen squalor and sickness, bringing them into my world and trying to show them my way will only bring squalor and sickness into my life.
That it is best to leave others where they have chosen to be.
I can't help anyone but myself.
That it is best to allow others to make their own decisions about their own lives.
That it is best not to try to impose my ideas about how to live life on anyone else.
That if a person has chosen squalor and sickness, bringing them into my world and trying to show them my way will only bring squalor and sickness into my life.
That it is best to leave others where they have chosen to be.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 166
I have written a few letters to my ex, but never sent them. Funny thing is that now that I look back on them, I am soooooo glad that I didn't.
You have to find your own closure because they will never give it to you. Mine kept trying to stick his foot in the door which was confusing to me (although I was letting this happen). I had to close the door myself.
I was feeling bad about yelling at him the last time we spoke, so when he managed to get to me through my office phone (can't block calls from that phone) I talked to him. Funny thing is that he effed himself. He started the convo off by asking how I was, when I started to answer he cut me off and started to talk about himself. I closed my mouth and let him talk. Instead of playing the game I just kept saying "oh" after every comment. He realized that I am no longer playing "the dance" and/or "the game" So then he said "I'm lonely" This statement changed everything. I saw him for what he truly was and not who I wanted him to be. Those three words "I am lonely" is why he called me. He NEEDS an enabler. He doesn't love me and he probably never did. He only cares about himself and those three words have totally saved me. I had been praying for an ending. And I got it.
So, I am sorry for the ramble. My point was, you can get closure without her. It will happen. Don't interfere with "the plan" that your higher power has for you. He will take care of things.
You have to find your own closure because they will never give it to you. Mine kept trying to stick his foot in the door which was confusing to me (although I was letting this happen). I had to close the door myself.
I was feeling bad about yelling at him the last time we spoke, so when he managed to get to me through my office phone (can't block calls from that phone) I talked to him. Funny thing is that he effed himself. He started the convo off by asking how I was, when I started to answer he cut me off and started to talk about himself. I closed my mouth and let him talk. Instead of playing the game I just kept saying "oh" after every comment. He realized that I am no longer playing "the dance" and/or "the game" So then he said "I'm lonely" This statement changed everything. I saw him for what he truly was and not who I wanted him to be. Those three words "I am lonely" is why he called me. He NEEDS an enabler. He doesn't love me and he probably never did. He only cares about himself and those three words have totally saved me. I had been praying for an ending. And I got it.
So, I am sorry for the ramble. My point was, you can get closure without her. It will happen. Don't interfere with "the plan" that your higher power has for you. He will take care of things.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 26
Thank you all for helping me through this...
I just found out through a friend that she is in a serious relationship... Wow.. serious... it stings.
Glad I didn't send it. I need to move on...
I just found out through a friend that she is in a serious relationship... Wow.. serious... it stings.
Glad I didn't send it. I need to move on...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
Serious? Just how serious can it possibly be? There's an old joke in AA:
Q: How can you tell two alcoholics are dating?
A: There's a moving van in one of their driveways.
Q: How can you tell two alcoholics are dating?
A: There's a moving van in one of their driveways.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
You know what happened?
He got treatment and got sober after I left him.
And then he told me that maybe I should think of why he had to drink himself into oblivion every night for the 20 years we were married.
And that if I ever met another man, I'd drive him to alcoholism as well.
So yeah, I got closure.
He got treatment and got sober after I left him.
And then he told me that maybe I should think of why he had to drink himself into oblivion every night for the 20 years we were married.
And that if I ever met another man, I'd drive him to alcoholism as well.
So yeah, I got closure.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 44
I'm pretty new to all this, so forgive me if my contribution is woolly or unhelpful. I've been getting frustrated too that my ABF won't see things my way. Why can't he see that his drinking is destroying all that's good about his life, for heaven's sake? Why own't he own up to having a problem - and needing help to address it? Anyway, he won't see things my way.
But I s'pose I won't see things his way either. Perhaps he's as entitled to his way as I am to mine.
The question 'why did you keep doing all that horrible stuff to me?' doesn't seem to have an answer (well, not an answer I would consider rational anyway). Perhaps a more interesting question to address my energies to is: 'why did I keep letting you do all that horrible stuff to me?'.
Very much a work in progress.
Good luck
SG
But I s'pose I won't see things his way either. Perhaps he's as entitled to his way as I am to mine.
The question 'why did you keep doing all that horrible stuff to me?' doesn't seem to have an answer (well, not an answer I would consider rational anyway). Perhaps a more interesting question to address my energies to is: 'why did I keep letting you do all that horrible stuff to me?'.
Very much a work in progress.
Good luck
SG
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Speaking of jerks, this was from your first post here:
Good riddance to her.
Since I started my own recovery process, there is one time in my relationship with my RAH that I keep looking back to... Long story...
We'd been dating for about a year, very serious, talking about marriage, I'd let him meet my son. I was a single mom in school, he was working second shift in a fine dining restaurant, so we didn't have a ton of free time together. One night I was hanging out with some friends and waiting for him to call me when he got off of work, and he didn't call. I tried to call him and there was no answer, straight to voicemail. I was pretty pissed, but I figured he would call me.
Around midnight, I got a text from a frenemy that RAH was saddled up at the bar with a waitress from his restaurant and they were looking pretty cozy. Talk about humiliating. I told my friends I had to go, I got in my car, drove down to the bar where he was hanging out with our mutual friends (all of whom knew about this side thing he was flirting with), interrupted their rendezvous, and followed him back to his apartment where I could confront him about what he was doing. He wasn't sorry. No, he was drunk and he BLAMED me. He said a lot of things, all of them hurtful, all of them a total rejection of me and my goals for myself and who I thought I was.
If I'd been a healthy person, I would have walked away. Instead I sunk my teeth in, begged him to stay with me, vowed to change my ways (I really hate myself in this story), came up with reasons that validated his rejection of me, and blamed this other girl for stealing this prize away from me.
LOL
God, if only I could go back. Nope, I married the MFer. But that was the moment that I went full codie.
If you asked me for advice, I'd tell you to cease any contact you have with her or mutual friends and get thee to therapy and an Al-Anon meeting. This doesn't hurt because she was The One or whatever, but because of who we are. We are capable of real change and growth, and you don't have to be destined to dead-end relationships like this.
It has been 6 weeks since no-contact with my Alcoholic Girlfriend. I’m not even sure if I should call her my girlfriend. We’ve known each for a year, but its been such an up and down hate/love thing that I’m not even sure what to call it. One week I would be her man, the next week she was dating other guys. One day we would be riding bikes with her daughter, the next day I was not good enough to be her friend.
Since I started my own recovery process, there is one time in my relationship with my RAH that I keep looking back to... Long story...
We'd been dating for about a year, very serious, talking about marriage, I'd let him meet my son. I was a single mom in school, he was working second shift in a fine dining restaurant, so we didn't have a ton of free time together. One night I was hanging out with some friends and waiting for him to call me when he got off of work, and he didn't call. I tried to call him and there was no answer, straight to voicemail. I was pretty pissed, but I figured he would call me.
Around midnight, I got a text from a frenemy that RAH was saddled up at the bar with a waitress from his restaurant and they were looking pretty cozy. Talk about humiliating. I told my friends I had to go, I got in my car, drove down to the bar where he was hanging out with our mutual friends (all of whom knew about this side thing he was flirting with), interrupted their rendezvous, and followed him back to his apartment where I could confront him about what he was doing. He wasn't sorry. No, he was drunk and he BLAMED me. He said a lot of things, all of them hurtful, all of them a total rejection of me and my goals for myself and who I thought I was.
If I'd been a healthy person, I would have walked away. Instead I sunk my teeth in, begged him to stay with me, vowed to change my ways (I really hate myself in this story), came up with reasons that validated his rejection of me, and blamed this other girl for stealing this prize away from me.
LOL
God, if only I could go back. Nope, I married the MFer. But that was the moment that I went full codie.
If you asked me for advice, I'd tell you to cease any contact you have with her or mutual friends and get thee to therapy and an Al-Anon meeting. This doesn't hurt because she was The One or whatever, but because of who we are. We are capable of real change and growth, and you don't have to be destined to dead-end relationships like this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by JustaBloke
Thank you all for helping me through this...
I just found out through a friend that she is in a serious relationship... Wow.. serious... it stings.
Glad I didn't send it. I need to move on...
I just found out through a friend that she is in a serious relationship... Wow.. serious... it stings.
Glad I didn't send it. I need to move on...
My axbf has his online dating profile back up and that annoys me. I have no doubt he will find someone else soon because he can be very charming. In a way it stings but I don't want to deal with him screaming at me anymore. I kinda hope he is nicer to the next unfortunate victim. :-/
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by SundayGirl2012
I'm pretty new to all this, so forgive me if my contribution is woolly or unhelpful. I've been getting frustrated too that my ABF won't see things my way. Why can't he see that his drinking is destroying all that's good about his life, for heaven's sake? Why own't he own up to having a problem - and needing help to address it? Anyway, he won't see things my way.
But I s'pose I won't see things his way either. Perhaps he's as entitled to his way as I am to mine.
The question 'why did you keep doing all that horrible stuff to me?' doesn't seem to have an answer (well, not an answer I would consider rational anyway). Perhaps a more interesting question to address my energies to is: 'why did I keep letting you do all that horrible stuff to me?'.
Very much a work in progress.
Good luck
SG
But I s'pose I won't see things his way either. Perhaps he's as entitled to his way as I am to mine.
The question 'why did you keep doing all that horrible stuff to me?' doesn't seem to have an answer (well, not an answer I would consider rational anyway). Perhaps a more interesting question to address my energies to is: 'why did I keep letting you do all that horrible stuff to me?'.
Very much a work in progress.
Good luck
SG
You might want to start your own thread but the answer to all of your questions about him is: "Because he's an alcoholic and he's in denial"
No, he will never see things your way and will keep on hurting you as long as he continues to drink and as long as you continue to put up with it. As for why you put up with it, that's a question only you can answer. My axbf actually went through periods of sanity where he was great so that made it hard to let go. But when the sh*t really hit the fan with him and his drinking, we were finished.
good luck to you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by Florence
... came up with reasons that validated his rejection of me, .....
I too hate myself for acting this way, I need to get to a meeting..
thanks Florence...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by ZiggyB
Awww, that sucks!
My axbf has his online dating profile back up and that annoys me. I have no doubt he will find someone else soon because he can be very charming. In a way it stings but I don't want to deal with him screaming at me anymore. I kinda hope he is nicer to the next unfortunate victim. :-/
My axbf has his online dating profile back up and that annoys me. I have no doubt he will find someone else soon because he can be very charming. In a way it stings but I don't want to deal with him screaming at me anymore. I kinda hope he is nicer to the next unfortunate victim. :-/
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by JustaBloke
I have come across her dating profile too... 'It said 'Social Drinker' hahahaha... but I'm the liar in her mind.... classic...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 164
I found out my XBF got involved with a woman approx 2 weeks after i left him. I was so hurt and tried to move forward, i now found out they are basically living together, buying a house and talking marriage (after knowing each other for 4 months!). I felt sick.
Sooooo i made the mistake of contacting him for "closure". What a mistake, i don't want to get into the sordid details but lets just say i opened up a huge can of worms and I am now more hurt than i was when I left him!!!!!
He claimed to still love me blah blah. I fell for his crap, in the end I got burned badly AGAIN, so yea, don't contact them for closure, there is noooo point.
Sooooo i made the mistake of contacting him for "closure". What a mistake, i don't want to get into the sordid details but lets just say i opened up a huge can of worms and I am now more hurt than i was when I left him!!!!!
He claimed to still love me blah blah. I fell for his crap, in the end I got burned badly AGAIN, so yea, don't contact them for closure, there is noooo point.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by fhl41
I found out my XBF got involved with a woman approx 2 weeks after i left him. I was so hurt and tried to move forward, i now found out they are basically living together, buying a house and talking marriage (after knowing each other for 4 months!). I felt sick.
Sooooo i made the mistake of contacting him for "closure". What a mistake, i don't want to get into the sordid details but lets just say i opened up a huge can of worms and I am now more hurt than i was when I left him!!!!!
He claimed to still love me blah blah. I fell for his crap, in the end I got burned badly AGAIN, so yea, don't contact them for closure, there is noooo point.
Sooooo i made the mistake of contacting him for "closure". What a mistake, i don't want to get into the sordid details but lets just say i opened up a huge can of worms and I am now more hurt than i was when I left him!!!!!
He claimed to still love me blah blah. I fell for his crap, in the end I got burned badly AGAIN, so yea, don't contact them for closure, there is noooo point.
I don't understand how they can just jump from relationship to relationship like that. It so weird to me. I'm slowly accepting that I wont get closure. I want her to be happy and I have to repeat to myself that I wouldn't have been able to do that. So I'll try and leave it at that and focus on me. I just booked my first cruise to the Caribbean. Got to get out of town!
Thanks again everyone for helping me through this. This place is awesome.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I don't understand how they can just jump from relationship to relationship like that.
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