Advice on whether I should send this message to AGF...

Old 08-10-2012, 08:31 AM
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Originally Posted by JustaBloke View Post
I'm slowly accepting that I wont get closure.
You can still get closure. You just have to redefine it a bit. It is possible to get closure without having any actual contact with the other person.

This is going to sound really silly, but it worked for me. I wrote a very long letter to someone once, and really poured my heart out. It was something like 9 pages long. And then I went outside and burnt it. As the smoke went up and away, I imagined all my words, my emotions, and everything else connected to the relationship being carried along with it. And then it was all gone.
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Old 08-13-2012, 08:06 AM
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Originally Posted by JustaBloke View Post
Ouch...I'm sorry. that's crushing I know. and yes the sick feeling is what I have right now...

I don't understand how they can just jump from relationship to relationship like that. It so weird to me. I'm slowly accepting that I wont get closure. I want her to be happy and I have to repeat to myself that I wouldn't have been able to do that. So I'll try and leave it at that and focus on me. I just booked my first cruise to the Caribbean. Got to get out of town!

Thanks again everyone for helping me through this. This place is awesome.
It's funny but his new gf actually phoned me for confirmation that he is nuts (not sure why, bazaar) and from what she tells me he hasn't changed at all, he sounds worse actually, she told me she is going to try and fix him, I said good luck.
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Old 08-13-2012, 10:20 AM
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This is going to sound really silly, but it worked for me. I wrote a very long letter to someone once, and really poured my heart out. It was something like 9 pages long. And then I went outside and burnt it. As the smoke went up and away, I imagined all my words, my emotions, and everything else connected to the relationship being carried along with it. And then it was all gone.
I did this once. I even suspended the pieces of a letter in the candle and burned it over a period of a couple of weeks. It felt really good to have a place to pour that nervous energy, and a tangible way to see it disperse.

Hm. Maybe I'll do that again instead of writing angry emails I never send.
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Old 08-13-2012, 10:33 AM
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Originally Posted by fhl41 View Post
It's funny but his new gf actually phoned me for confirmation that he is nuts (not sure why, bazaar) and from what she tells me he hasn't changed at all, he sounds worse actually, she told me she is going to try and fix him, I said good luck.
Apparently he has found himself a new codependent *sigh*
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Old 08-13-2012, 10:45 AM
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I didn't have any contact with an ex for 6 weeks and that pretty well said it all and gave me the closure I needed. They are there waiting to pounce as soon as we open the door. Don't give her that power, work on you.

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Originally Posted by JustaBloke View Post
I'm having a weak moment and need be talked down... I desperately want to send my AGF, who I have had no contact with in 9 weeks this message... but part of me doesn't think I should. I'm not sure it will give me closure and I want your thoughts...

"I’m so confused how you can throw a friendship away like that… People that I get that close to I don’t give up on so easily like you do. It’s so foreign to me.

Anyhow, there was no closure for me, which has been extremely painful. So I would just like to say I hope you and your daughter the best, you will always be special to me. Sincerely I do and I will focus my thoughts on the good times we shared.

Take Care. "

Thanks in advance...
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Old 08-13-2012, 02:27 PM
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Don't send it. You don't want closure or you wouldn't want to send it. Sending it opens a door, it doesn't close one. Please consider Alanon so you can learn to tell the truth to yourself.

Closure will come when you no longer need closure. Closure is code for "drama addiction."

Cyranoak
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Old 08-13-2012, 07:22 PM
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lillamy, JT1968,
THAT IS IT! i was in the same boat too. But he closed the door for me. For you it was "i am lonley" for me it was "i faked it to see if i still felt it". Those are not good reasons to f#@* with someone elses feelings.
Justabloke, i hope you can find some peace soon. It is truly empowering and gives you a feeling of freedom to just not feed into it anymore. That is all it would be if you would write to her.
I have also written letters. I even saved them on my computer. When i read them i see, that i still feel the same way but i also see that it was a letter out of anger and a reaction to his actions. And THAT is the thing i will not give him anymore. Guess what happens when you don't communicate anymore? Nothing. Because i think in the end they really might have never cared about us. That does hurt and will take some time to heal from. But better to start your life now then to wait for something that you deep down probably know is never going to work out or is simply never going to happen.
For me it has only been a short time in my own recovery and i am SO MUCH better now. I am starting to see myself emerge slowly.
Life will start to look much brighter really soon.
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Old 08-13-2012, 08:26 PM
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My separated AH jumped to another younger girl as well after 1 month out of my house. He said they get along so well and she doesn't nag. Well that's because we lived in reality and they live in a drunken state of mind, lala land.
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Old 08-13-2012, 10:08 PM
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Originally Posted by ZiggyB View Post
Apparently he has found himself a new codependent *sigh*
I believe he has yes, i get sad at times though because she said he doesn't drink that much, which i find really hard to believe, I believe he is still on his best behaviour with her still though. She does say that he is verbally abusive with her which he wasn''t with me, however, i didn't move in with him like she did so i guess that would have came in time....Oh why do i even care!! it drives me mad...
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Old 08-13-2012, 10:33 PM
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Originally Posted by fhl41 View Post
I believe he has yes, i get sad at times though because she said he doesn't drink that much, which i find really hard to believe, I believe he is still on his best behaviour with her still though. She does say that he is verbally abusive with her which he wasn''t with me, however, i didn't move in with him like she did so i guess that would have came in time....Oh why do i even care!! it drives me mad...
It is very weird that she contacted you, no wonder it's been on your mind. It's even weirder that she's staying! Some people seem to think they have the magic ability to fix and rescue people but it does not work that way!

I don't know why I still care about my axbf sometimes... I am so glad I don't have to worry about which bar he is at all the time and having to have stupid parties with him and his boozing friends, he verbally abused me, that was not very much fun I can tell you. He would have been a great guy if he ever wanted to sober up. oh well!
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Old 08-14-2012, 06:50 AM
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Originally Posted by ZiggyB View Post
It is very weird that she contacted you, no wonder it's been on your mind. It's even weirder that she's staying! Some people seem to think they have the magic ability to fix and rescue people but it does not work that way!

I don't know why I still care about my axbf sometimes... I am so glad I don't have to worry about which bar he is at all the time and having to have stupid parties with him and his boozing friends, he verbally abused me, that was not very much fun I can tell you. He would have been a great guy if he ever wanted to sober up. oh well!
That's the thing i don't miss the BS, smelling his breath, worrying if he was drinking while i wasn't with him, checking his empties, it was stressful, i just can't live like that. I feel sorry for her. She will find everything out sooner or later. I kept telling her she needs to stop focussing on him and focus on herself, she didnt even understand what i was saying so i stopped. I have been there, and when you don't want to hear it you simply won't hear it.

I thought i could fix him too but he has sooo much work to do and i just couldn't do it he has to do it and he really doesn't think he has a problem, so i walked away and decided to finally get help for MY co-dependence instead, focus on ME instead of him.

I miss the good parts of him though and quite honestly i miss being loved. But i don't even think it was really love. I am however, learning to love myself for what feels like the first time in a long time. Coming to this forum is my saving grace. If i hadn't found you amazing people i would have stayed with him and in the process lost myself.

So please remember Justabloke it is NOT worth it to contact her, the work begins with us.
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Old 08-14-2012, 07:15 AM
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fhl41,

I can 100% relate.



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Old 08-14-2012, 03:28 PM
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Originally Posted by fhl41 View Post

Coming to this forum is my saving grace. If i hadn't found you amazing people i would have stayed with him and in the process lost myself.
Agree. its has been so helpful.
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Old 08-14-2012, 05:14 PM
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I am sorry bc I know it hurts but try to look at it as a blessing for you! Trust me an active A only causes pain not only to their self but even more to those that love them! You don't deserve any of that!
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