When she comes home
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 21
When she comes home
My wife will be coming home from inpatient rehab in about a week or two. She was in for alcohol, but also took my sons ADHE meds We are both 45 and married for 15 years…This is her second time. The first was a year ago when she went to a different place for a week.
I read all these stories have how horrible their addicted mate made their lives. I really don’t have any stories like that. For the most part she would cook and rink wine and pass out later in the evening. I mean I knew it was an issue and I know the kids saw(14yo son, 20yo daughter), but she wasn’t abusive, she always very loving, for the most part. This has been going on for about 2 years and she suggested she go to rehab, she really wants to get better and live sober.
So she’s in a 30 day rehab and coming home soon. I’ve been reading online about what to expect when she comes home and it doesn’t sound good. I’ve been to my first al anon meeting last night at her request and most of the discussion was about dealing with an active alcoholic and having to detach because I have no control over her addiction.
To be honest, the last 20 days or so have been pretty nice. I was a complete mess for the first few days but quickly found a sense of calm. I cleaned, or I’m in the process of cleaning up the bills, since she messed them up pretty bad with the shopping (mostly QVC). I’m not made at her, I just want her to get better.
I speak with her ever few days, as I told her to call when she feels up to it. She keeps mentioning that we need a complete life style change, which I agree with. I think we began to isolate ourselves. I know when she first comes home she will be busy with her recovery, going to 90 meetings in 90 days and her IOP. I will support her in what she needs to do. I know I should take care of myself, which means going to al anon meetings (But I don’t really get al anon, I’m a bit narcissistic and find moments of happiness for myself, don’t feel angry ). Actually I don’t know what I feel, maybe I detected too much. I know I love her because I was an enabler in the sense that I would do whatever she asked and I thought I could fix her by loving her more ( in my mind, that meant doing everything she asked for or needed).I would try to do anything to reduce her stress level ( I think a lot of her drink was due to stress and a way to escape the feelings). The reason I say I don’t know how I feels is I know I won’t go through this again. When she was using I was at the point of, I could take her or leave her it really didn’t matter. I’m tired and don’t know how much more I can give or willing to give. Even before all this, my wife always said marriage is hard. I disagree, I think life is hard and marriage should be easy with the knowledge that the one person in the world you can be yourself with is your partner…good mood, bad mood, cranky…..they love you and accept you. Now it can’t be all one side, but you know what I m mean.
I have all these irrational fears, guess from reading too much stuff on the web like Rehab romance which I understand, but fear. She also told me to watch When a Man loves a women, can’t find it on Netflix, Vudu, Zune or on demand, but I read the description on IMDB. Is she trying to prep me that she has changed and my not want me anymore? She’s always been strong, but does she know something I don’t?
Wow, sorry about the rambling, but what can I expect when she comes home? What can I do to support her without enabling her?
I read all these stories have how horrible their addicted mate made their lives. I really don’t have any stories like that. For the most part she would cook and rink wine and pass out later in the evening. I mean I knew it was an issue and I know the kids saw(14yo son, 20yo daughter), but she wasn’t abusive, she always very loving, for the most part. This has been going on for about 2 years and she suggested she go to rehab, she really wants to get better and live sober.
So she’s in a 30 day rehab and coming home soon. I’ve been reading online about what to expect when she comes home and it doesn’t sound good. I’ve been to my first al anon meeting last night at her request and most of the discussion was about dealing with an active alcoholic and having to detach because I have no control over her addiction.
To be honest, the last 20 days or so have been pretty nice. I was a complete mess for the first few days but quickly found a sense of calm. I cleaned, or I’m in the process of cleaning up the bills, since she messed them up pretty bad with the shopping (mostly QVC). I’m not made at her, I just want her to get better.
I speak with her ever few days, as I told her to call when she feels up to it. She keeps mentioning that we need a complete life style change, which I agree with. I think we began to isolate ourselves. I know when she first comes home she will be busy with her recovery, going to 90 meetings in 90 days and her IOP. I will support her in what she needs to do. I know I should take care of myself, which means going to al anon meetings (But I don’t really get al anon, I’m a bit narcissistic and find moments of happiness for myself, don’t feel angry ). Actually I don’t know what I feel, maybe I detected too much. I know I love her because I was an enabler in the sense that I would do whatever she asked and I thought I could fix her by loving her more ( in my mind, that meant doing everything she asked for or needed).I would try to do anything to reduce her stress level ( I think a lot of her drink was due to stress and a way to escape the feelings). The reason I say I don’t know how I feels is I know I won’t go through this again. When she was using I was at the point of, I could take her or leave her it really didn’t matter. I’m tired and don’t know how much more I can give or willing to give. Even before all this, my wife always said marriage is hard. I disagree, I think life is hard and marriage should be easy with the knowledge that the one person in the world you can be yourself with is your partner…good mood, bad mood, cranky…..they love you and accept you. Now it can’t be all one side, but you know what I m mean.
I have all these irrational fears, guess from reading too much stuff on the web like Rehab romance which I understand, but fear. She also told me to watch When a Man loves a women, can’t find it on Netflix, Vudu, Zune or on demand, but I read the description on IMDB. Is she trying to prep me that she has changed and my not want me anymore? She’s always been strong, but does she know something I don’t?
Wow, sorry about the rambling, but what can I expect when she comes home? What can I do to support her without enabling her?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi and 
to SR, husband.
I think you should read back through your post a couple of times. Because you seem to say some things about how you feel, but then almost contradict yourself when you describe things further. That's the great part about writing things out, aka journaling. We come to realize things that we did not know about ourselves or our feelings.
I also think you should keep going to Al-Anon even though right now you're not sure. Al-Anon will help you come to awareness about what you have been doing and what you have been living with.
to SR, husband. I think you should read back through your post a couple of times. Because you seem to say some things about how you feel, but then almost contradict yourself when you describe things further. That's the great part about writing things out, aka journaling. We come to realize things that we did not know about ourselves or our feelings.
I also think you should keep going to Al-Anon even though right now you're not sure. Al-Anon will help you come to awareness about what you have been doing and what you have been living with.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Alanon is a very good idea...make a decision to go to six meetings before passing judgement. When we enable someone it takes away their incentive to get sober. Why bother when someone else is taking the responsibility? We can call it love but it really isn't.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as often as needed. You are not alone.
I am always finding words of wisdom based on other members experiences by reading in the "Sticky posts" at the top of this page. Some of our stories are preserved in those stickies. The stickies are older, permanent posts that have been stored for future reading. Here is one of my favorite stickies that contains steps which helped me:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as often as needed. You are not alone.
I am always finding words of wisdom based on other members experiences by reading in the "Sticky posts" at the top of this page. Some of our stories are preserved in those stickies. The stickies are older, permanent posts that have been stored for future reading. Here is one of my favorite stickies that contains steps which helped me:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 21
Thanks for your responses. Guess I should have proof read before I posted as well.
When I was writing this it was more just a streaming my thoughts on paper, so I guess I did contradict myself to a point. I guess what I was trying to say is that I don’t feel angry towards her, don’t have resentment even though her alcoholism has caused pain and issues. I just want her to get better. I agree, in the past I was an enabler, trying to fix her, which I learned even before she went into rehab that I cannot. The last 3 to 4 months before she went in I started to detach, so I haven’t felt that co-dependency with her for awhile now.
I also know I don’t have the energy to go through this again, so when she comes home there will be no second chances. I mean a slip up and right back on the horse is one thing, but if she doesn’t get back on that horse pretty [B]fast I have to do what is right me, my happiness and my kids happiness.
I do plan on going back to al anon. The funny part is I already do much of what it says, about detaching, finding things to be grateful for and random acts of kindness. If for no other reason, their was a women there that I felt so bad for and I want to bring her a song that I listen to a lot, “Let Jesus take the wheel”
My real point of my original post before the rambling was, what can I expect when she comes home.
Things I know:
Things that I’m doing:
What I still need to know:
What else can I expect?
When I was writing this it was more just a streaming my thoughts on paper, so I guess I did contradict myself to a point. I guess what I was trying to say is that I don’t feel angry towards her, don’t have resentment even though her alcoholism has caused pain and issues. I just want her to get better. I agree, in the past I was an enabler, trying to fix her, which I learned even before she went into rehab that I cannot. The last 3 to 4 months before she went in I started to detach, so I haven’t felt that co-dependency with her for awhile now.
I also know I don’t have the energy to go through this again, so when she comes home there will be no second chances. I mean a slip up and right back on the horse is one thing, but if she doesn’t get back on that horse pretty [B]fast I have to do what is right me, my happiness and my kids happiness.
I do plan on going back to al anon. The funny part is I already do much of what it says, about detaching, finding things to be grateful for and random acts of kindness. If for no other reason, their was a women there that I felt so bad for and I want to bring her a song that I listen to a lot, “Let Jesus take the wheel”
My real point of my original post before the rambling was, what can I expect when she comes home.
Things I know:
- She’ll be very scared coming from the security of rehab and being push back into the world with all the stresses that come with it
- She may be angry at me at anyone for anything and be very emotional and selfish
- She will be focused on her recovery and not necessarily home and family. This one may be hard for me as I want her to run back in my loving arms (I know, don’t expect anything, cause you have no control or something like that)
Things that I’m doing:
- Going to al anon
- Re-doing a spare bedroom that she can use as a retreat when she feels she needs to be alone. Kind of like her own private rehab
- Reading a lot online, maybe too much
- Talking with the kids, explaining the “things I know”
- Try as much as possible to keep her stress level down, especially when she comes home
What I still need to know:
- When she comes how do you draw the line between supporting her and enabling her. It has always been my nature to try to do everything for her, even before she developed alcoholism?
- I will drive her to meetings, go with her if she wants me to. But what else can I do
- I’ll talk with her, but should I push her on things she doesn’t want to talk about or let her dictate the depth of the conversation
- What else can I do? I want to give her the best chance of recovery as possible.
What else can I expect?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Doing anything for her she is physically able to do herself is enabling. Driving her to meetings is enabling and controlling unless there is an Al-Anon meeting there that you are going to at the same time. Getting involved in what she should be doing for her own recovery is controlling. Her recovery is her business. It's nice you're making a retreat room for her but what are you doing nice for yourself? What do you want to push her to talk about? Your feelings? Your wants? All the things she has messed up and done wrong?
She's a grown adult. Let her BE a grown adult. What YOU want regarding her recovery is really not important. What IS important is your responsibilities toward those children, and your own recovery.
She's a grown adult. Let her BE a grown adult. What YOU want regarding her recovery is really not important. What IS important is your responsibilities toward those children, and your own recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 21
Wow, speechless…. So basically I have no part in her recovery. I should go about life as this never happened and interact as normal except when it deals with her recovery?
What am I doing for myself, just bought a 50” LED TV. My son and I go fishing a lot more often. Watch the TV shows I want to watch ( think it is a great distraction to watch movie or TV show you can get lost in for an hour or two). Getting the bills in order which relives a lot of stress on me. Play with my dogs. Take naps.
What do I want to talk to her about…It’s not about me, I want to know how she feels, what she went though in rehab, what she finds the hardest part of recovery
What am I doing for myself, just bought a 50” LED TV. My son and I go fishing a lot more often. Watch the TV shows I want to watch ( think it is a great distraction to watch movie or TV show you can get lost in for an hour or two). Getting the bills in order which relives a lot of stress on me. Play with my dogs. Take naps.
What do I want to talk to her about…It’s not about me, I want to know how she feels, what she went though in rehab, what she finds the hardest part of recovery
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by LostHusband 
Wow, speechless…. So basically I have no part in her recovery. I should go about life as this never happened and interact as normal except when it deals with her recovery?
What am I doing for myself, just bought a 50” LED TV. My son and I go fishing a lot more often. Watch the TV shows I want to watch ( think it is a great distraction to watch movie or TV show you can get lost in for an hour or two). Getting the bills in order which relives a lot of stress on me. Play with my dogs. Take naps.
What do I want to talk to her about…It’s not about me, I want to know how she feels, what she went though in rehab, what she finds the hardest part of recovery
What am I doing for myself, just bought a 50” LED TV. My son and I go fishing a lot more often. Watch the TV shows I want to watch ( think it is a great distraction to watch movie or TV show you can get lost in for an hour or two). Getting the bills in order which relives a lot of stress on me. Play with my dogs. Take naps.
What do I want to talk to her about…It’s not about me, I want to know how she feels, what she went though in rehab, what she finds the hardest part of recovery
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
"Re-doing a spare bedroom that she can use as a retreat when she feels she needs to be alone. Kind of like her own private rehab"
I did the same thing. Even bought a sign that said "Man Cave, Girls Keep Out" and decorated it with guy stuff. It did nothing except give him a price place to drink where he knew that I would not disturb him.
I go to AlAnon. I don't agree with everything everyone says but I take with me what I can use.
I did the same thing. Even bought a sign that said "Man Cave, Girls Keep Out" and decorated it with guy stuff. It did nothing except give him a price place to drink where he knew that I would not disturb him.
I go to AlAnon. I don't agree with everything everyone says but I take with me what I can use.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 21
Alucard, thank you for your response.
I've only been to one meeting, and plan to go back 1) because she wants me to go and 2) because, you never know, I may hear or ready someting that sticks and makes sense (take what you want and leave the rest...or someting like that).
My main goal will be NOT to enable her drinking, but show her love, caring and support.
If this was about smoking and she said I'm having a really hard time, I would suggest that we take a walk or try to do someting to help get her mind of the craving. Why would or should it be so different from alcohol.
I don't want to enable her drinking, I want to enable her recovery. It's a fine line, but I have to find it.
I've only been to one meeting, and plan to go back 1) because she wants me to go and 2) because, you never know, I may hear or ready someting that sticks and makes sense (take what you want and leave the rest...or someting like that).
My main goal will be NOT to enable her drinking, but show her love, caring and support.
If this was about smoking and she said I'm having a really hard time, I would suggest that we take a walk or try to do someting to help get her mind of the craving. Why would or should it be so different from alcohol.
I don't want to enable her drinking, I want to enable her recovery. It's a fine line, but I have to find it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Hi LostHusband,
With respect to "I want to know how she feels, what she went though in rehab, what she finds the hardest part of recovery" it has been my experience to let her bring up what she wants to talk about. My wife knows I will always listen but, even in a relationship without addiction, nagging never works. She is working through her addiction; she may need the mental space to work it out.
With respect to "When she comes how do you draw the line between supporting her and enabling her" it has been my experience to do for her what I would ordinarily do for my spouse if addiction wasn't part of our life. I have always done the cooking in our household. I continue to do so regardless of her disease. I drive her to the liquor store because I don't want an innocent person to get killed by a person with an addiction but she walks into the liquor store herself while I wait in the car.
We each need to walk our own path but I also think we walk that path better with knowledge. I read two (of many) books that helped me with this. Beyond the Influence: Understanding and Defeating Alcoholism by Katherine Ketcham and No More Letting Go: The Spirituality of Taking Action Against Alcoholism and Drug Addiction by Debra Jay. Both may help you decide your path.
I wish you well and wish you peace in your life.
With respect to "I want to know how she feels, what she went though in rehab, what she finds the hardest part of recovery" it has been my experience to let her bring up what she wants to talk about. My wife knows I will always listen but, even in a relationship without addiction, nagging never works. She is working through her addiction; she may need the mental space to work it out.
With respect to "When she comes how do you draw the line between supporting her and enabling her" it has been my experience to do for her what I would ordinarily do for my spouse if addiction wasn't part of our life. I have always done the cooking in our household. I continue to do so regardless of her disease. I drive her to the liquor store because I don't want an innocent person to get killed by a person with an addiction but she walks into the liquor store herself while I wait in the car.
We each need to walk our own path but I also think we walk that path better with knowledge. I read two (of many) books that helped me with this. Beyond the Influence: Understanding and Defeating Alcoholism by Katherine Ketcham and No More Letting Go: The Spirituality of Taking Action Against Alcoholism and Drug Addiction by Debra Jay. Both may help you decide your path.
I wish you well and wish you peace in your life.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
Al Anon was extremely helpful to me-because it helped me learn how to focus on me and not on the alcoholic. Let her set the pace of communication between you in regards to her recovery. She may wish to never discuss it with you. That's ok. You need to focus on you and your son. Trying to alleviate the stressors so she can focus on her recovery may also be a trap. Those stressors are called "life". She is going to need to learn coping skills without the alcohol. Also, do you want to be running around looking for stressors that might aggravate her and making them go away? All I can picture is you running around the house catching vases as they topple off the furniture while the elephant runs through the house. Eventually that gets exhausting and if she relapses could be result in anger and frustration on your part. The best chance of recovery as possible for her is going to be her decision and the best chance of recovery for you is your decision to make the healthiest choices for you and your son whether she is drinking or not.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Al Anon has 12 steps that are worked so we can see our behavior. Keep going, you don't have to agree on everything, just know you are there for your healing. You've been through a lot. Make sure you have your time (me time) too!
Hugs & well wishes,
Hugs & well wishes,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 21
Thank you Jamaicamecrazy.
I will use your advice about the communication, she can share what she wants to share, when she’s ready to share.
As for your other advise about to reduce the stresses in her life, I never really thought about it that way and it makes a lot of sense. But day 1 when she walk through the door, I feel I shouldn’t just let the world hit her like a ton of bricks, I think I should ease her back over time (not too long), or is this just another way of enabling her.
I think the hard part here is that, for the most part, she always wore the pants in the family, even before she started drinking, she would run the show and handled all the stressors. I just went to work and came home. Looking back, I don’t think it was fair to her that I let her take that burden on all by herself. I was thinking it is time to share the responsibility.
But how to do that without enabling her and hurting her chances of recovery?
So confused on what do to, I’m will to do anything, I just want to do it right!
I will use your advice about the communication, she can share what she wants to share, when she’s ready to share.
As for your other advise about to reduce the stresses in her life, I never really thought about it that way and it makes a lot of sense. But day 1 when she walk through the door, I feel I shouldn’t just let the world hit her like a ton of bricks, I think I should ease her back over time (not too long), or is this just another way of enabling her.
I think the hard part here is that, for the most part, she always wore the pants in the family, even before she started drinking, she would run the show and handled all the stressors. I just went to work and came home. Looking back, I don’t think it was fair to her that I let her take that burden on all by herself. I was thinking it is time to share the responsibility.
But how to do that without enabling her and hurting her chances of recovery?
So confused on what do to, I’m will to do anything, I just want to do it right!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
I just went to work and came home. Looking back, I don’t think it was fair to her that I let her take that burden on all by herself. I was thinking it is time to share the responsibility.
If you want to take on more responsibility let it be because you want to be a better partner and father-not as a way to keep her sober. Do it because you want to be a better person for yourself-without an ulterior motive.
This could be as easy as continuing with some of the stuff that you did while she was away. Maybe you realize that you like cooking, or spending time with your son.
This is the kind of stuff that AL Anon will help you with.
If you want to take on more responsibility let it be because you want to be a better partner and father-not as a way to keep her sober. Do it because you want to be a better person for yourself-without an ulterior motive.
This could be as easy as continuing with some of the stuff that you did while she was away. Maybe you realize that you like cooking, or spending time with your son.
This is the kind of stuff that AL Anon will help you with.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 21
Yes 100%. It's my turn to grow up and be an adult and be a full participant in our family. I'm great at being told what to do, but it's time for me to start making important decisions on my own.
I thought just because I went to work made good money that was being a husband, I need to share in the responsibility of our family.
I think a lot of this steams from my childhood. MY father died when I was 6 years old, so I never had a true father figure, lived with my mom until I was 28 (well, collage was in there somewhere), met my wife and started living with her. I never really lived on my own or had to take on real responsibility, so I let my wife take it on.
I'm now 45 and it is time to grow up!
Thank you again for your words. I've been looking all over for some guidance.
For today I am grateful for jamaicamecrazy! See I'm trying the al anon
stuff
I thought just because I went to work made good money that was being a husband, I need to share in the responsibility of our family.
I think a lot of this steams from my childhood. MY father died when I was 6 years old, so I never had a true father figure, lived with my mom until I was 28 (well, collage was in there somewhere), met my wife and started living with her. I never really lived on my own or had to take on real responsibility, so I let my wife take it on.
I'm now 45 and it is time to grow up!
Thank you again for your words. I've been looking all over for some guidance.
For today I am grateful for jamaicamecrazy! See I'm trying the al anon
stuff
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 21
Yes 100%. It's my turn to grow up and be an adult and be a full participant in our family. I'm great at being told what to do, but it's time for me to start making important decisions on my own.
I thought just because I went to work, made good money that was being a husband, I need to share in the responsibility of our family.
I think a lot of this steams from my childhood. MY father died when I was 6 years old, so I never had a true father figure, lived with my mom until I was 28 (well, collage was in there somewhere), met my wife and started living with her. I never really lived on my own or had to take on real responsibility, so I let my wife take it on.
I'm now 45 and it is time to grow up!
Thank you again for your words. I've been looking all over for some guidance.
For today I am grateful for jamaicamecrazy! See I'm trying the al anon
stuff
I thought just because I went to work, made good money that was being a husband, I need to share in the responsibility of our family.
I think a lot of this steams from my childhood. MY father died when I was 6 years old, so I never had a true father figure, lived with my mom until I was 28 (well, collage was in there somewhere), met my wife and started living with her. I never really lived on my own or had to take on real responsibility, so I let my wife take it on.
I'm now 45 and it is time to grow up!
Thank you again for your words. I've been looking all over for some guidance.
For today I am grateful for jamaicamecrazy! See I'm trying the al anon
stuff
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Lost husband- do you have a therapist? Might be nice for you to have someone to talk to just for you.
A couple red flags (not that they aren't things I said too about how to support my XAH post rehab) that jumped out at me in your list of things you will do when she returns:
1. Saying that you'll do whatever you can to help keep her stress level down.
Problem w this is that you're taking on responsibility for her stress. If she has taken rehab seriously then she should come home armed w tools to cope w life (something A's don't do well). I tried to reduce stress soooo much for my H bc I thought that would help keep him from slipping up. All I was doing in my attempts to reduce his stress was being über codependent (have you read codependent no more? If not, I highly recommend it- it was life changing/eye opening for me). I think a lot of us who are good codependents think that we are being kind and loving and caring w a lot of things we do when infact we are behaving codepdently. My H had me convinced that caring for myself was selfish and that a loving spouse worried more about their spouses feelings than their own. Pick up a copy and see what you think.
2. Red flag #2 that jumped out at me is how your wife told you you both would need to make many changes when she returns. Maybe I'm callous here but it seems to me that the A is the one who need to ID what changes in lifestyle need to be made & the A needs to want to do that for herself or himself. Telling you it has to happen and making you somewhat responsible for it seems like a slippery slope kind of way of making you responsible for whether or not her post rehab time will be successful
I took far more ownership than I should have post rehab for my AH. I offered more than I let him be an adult who lived his own life and asked for what he needed. I thought if i could be generous enough and thoughtful enough that we'd work together to make sobriety work and all would be well. What I wish I'd done was (hard and awkward as it would have felt) was let him do what he was going to do w out my interfering. I should have let him ask for supper rather than constantly offer it. I tried to control our environment by doing a lot of things you list planning to do (creating a space for him, taking responsibilty for changing our lifestyle when that was his job etc)
I think it's admirable how concerned you are and how much you want to help but the hard truth is that unless she wants it and wants it bad, there's nothing you can do to support her into wanting health and happiness.
Wishing you all the best.
A couple red flags (not that they aren't things I said too about how to support my XAH post rehab) that jumped out at me in your list of things you will do when she returns:
1. Saying that you'll do whatever you can to help keep her stress level down.
Problem w this is that you're taking on responsibility for her stress. If she has taken rehab seriously then she should come home armed w tools to cope w life (something A's don't do well). I tried to reduce stress soooo much for my H bc I thought that would help keep him from slipping up. All I was doing in my attempts to reduce his stress was being über codependent (have you read codependent no more? If not, I highly recommend it- it was life changing/eye opening for me). I think a lot of us who are good codependents think that we are being kind and loving and caring w a lot of things we do when infact we are behaving codepdently. My H had me convinced that caring for myself was selfish and that a loving spouse worried more about their spouses feelings than their own. Pick up a copy and see what you think.
2. Red flag #2 that jumped out at me is how your wife told you you both would need to make many changes when she returns. Maybe I'm callous here but it seems to me that the A is the one who need to ID what changes in lifestyle need to be made & the A needs to want to do that for herself or himself. Telling you it has to happen and making you somewhat responsible for it seems like a slippery slope kind of way of making you responsible for whether or not her post rehab time will be successful
I took far more ownership than I should have post rehab for my AH. I offered more than I let him be an adult who lived his own life and asked for what he needed. I thought if i could be generous enough and thoughtful enough that we'd work together to make sobriety work and all would be well. What I wish I'd done was (hard and awkward as it would have felt) was let him do what he was going to do w out my interfering. I should have let him ask for supper rather than constantly offer it. I tried to control our environment by doing a lot of things you list planning to do (creating a space for him, taking responsibilty for changing our lifestyle when that was his job etc)
I think it's admirable how concerned you are and how much you want to help but the hard truth is that unless she wants it and wants it bad, there's nothing you can do to support her into wanting health and happiness.
Wishing you all the best.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Thank you for all of what you wrote, wanttobehealthy. I needed to read every word. I also did everything I could to keep AXBF from feeling the stress of his unmanageable, chaotic life. I paid all the bills and asked for nothing. I tried to arrange things in the house to make things easier for him. I spent hours and hours every week planning and cooking meals for him so that he would not have to spend money on eating out. I did his laundry and folded his clothes, and cleaned the bathrooms week after week, rarely asking him to do anything except carry a basket or open a jar. I paid his enormous bills so he would stop stressing about it. I did all the research he needed to do for the legal problems he himself created, for the car problems he created, etc. I paid for professional help for him in order to help his children. I just did so much these past years and did not realize how codependent I was being, honestly, until I just read your post. Which baffles me because I KNOW what codependence is. Thank you again. And thank you Husband for sharing here. This is all helping me today.
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