kec

My husband has been in recovery for 9 years and we have been married for 20. During that time, he has relapsed at least nine times, spent two months in rehab and abused oxycontin for a time. He just relapsed after his longest period of sobriety -- 18 months. Every time he relapses, he denies it until I end up finding the proof. Usually, an empty bottle of vodka. He makes me feel like I'm the crazy one for asking if something is wrong. Each time, it turns out my instincts have been right and he has fallen off the wagon. I think he loves me and our two kids, but I am ready to call it quits. He has never been a sloppy drunk or abusive. He is a secretive drunk, drinks alone, hides it and lies about it until it escalates and I find proof. The kids haven't seen him drunk although they know he went to rehab and that he is in recovery. They know he slipped this time. I am also starting to wonder if he has some narcissistic traits since he is unable to consider the impact of his decisions. My 13 son will be devastated if we separate, but my trust is gone. So confused.

wanttobehealthy

I went round & round w my decision to end my marriage & had complex reasons why I should leave & at one time why I should stay.

In the end the one point I returned to over & over was trust.

Without trust there is no way (for me in my life at least) to work on any other issues together. An alcoholic can not be honest in the way that is required for a marriage to function. Honesty is the foundation of everything else & w out honesty of action, words, looking at ones self then what exactly is there to build upon.

I tried for nearly 15 yrs to explain & convince my XAH of the value of honesty. He'd agree & then continue lying sooner or later. An adult w out the moral compass telling him that honesty is a non negotiable isn't someone I could be married to & I think you're sense that you can't do it w out trust anymore is perfectly reasonable.

djayr

I'm sorry for your pain. It's so hard to make decisions and actually do something different. One night I finally said to AW, "this marriage is over", and a year and a half later everything, indeed, is different. Go slow and if you're not sure, just wait, and things will unfold. And Lord knows don't worry about what anybody else thinks, they are not in your shoes and will never understand.

For me I got tired of the same thing over and over and over. But I don't have kids and I'm sure that complicates the heck out of it.

I wish you the best and God bless.