CodieBird

Me too, even though I asked myself repeatedly, "Why is his life so chaotic and unmanageable while mine is not and never has been?"

Somehow I convinced myself that if I could just play God well enough, he would see and grasp a better, more peaceful and orderly way of life by my example. At the time, I didn't see myself as playing God, but that's what I was doing when all was said and done. Instead of him finding peace and order, I landed myself in his minefield of chaos and disorder, which put and kept my life in the same stead.

When we first met, he professed to be seeking peace and serenity. Ultimately, that turned out to be a matter of his words not matching his actions. I think 'words not matching actions' is the most important litmus test I've picked up from SR. Thanks everyone!

LostHusband

Thank you all for your support and suggestions.

Not seeing a therapist, but am going to al anon

I keep hearing the same mantra here and in al anon, “Let the alcoholic be fully responsible for their own recovery”.

Maybe what I’m afraid of is that our relationship in part is built on my co-dependency and I don’t know how this will change our relationship...will she still love me in this new paradigm? Will we drift apart or just become roommates in the same house?

It’s funny as I look back when she was drinking, I constantly asked her if she was already, to the point of her getting mad and telling me to stop asking her that.

I guess this is something I have to work on and do even though my heart says otherwise.

BTW: The room, I figured out that it isn’t for her, it’s for me to keep myself busy while I wait for her to come home.

wanttobehealthy

I recall that fear (of how the r/s would change if I changed my way of interacting/reacting). I wish I'd read codependent no more a lot sooner than I did bc I tries making changes w out being fully certain that what I was doing was "okay" or "kind" & bc of that I was a prime target for my Xah's desire to blame me for how miserable he felt when I DID hand over his life to him.

I may sound negative and cynical but I really jut want to impress upon you what you might realistically expect & if things go a lot better for you than for most then you can be grateful for the bullet you dodged.

If you've been codependent as you say you recognize and you change that dynmanic one of two things will happen: your wife will have been in rehab and learning many new things too & you both will work one healthy way of living cooperatively. OR you wife will resent that you are not willing to mange her life anymore and will try every which way to get you to go back to status quo. I hope the former is the case for you.

LostHusband

wanttobehealthy - What you say is true, we can't go on living the same pattern, minus the alcohol and expect anything different. We both need to change or the outcome will be the same.

I would prefer her to remain sober without me, than to relapse with me. Kind of like, if you love something set it free.....

The funny part is when she was drinking and I had enough, I basically did detach, I found my happiness (when and where I could) and I let her do her thing. If she wanted a divorce at that point, I would have be like, great, OK.

But now, she's been way for almost 25 days, I feel this love for her, I miss her.

How could I be so detached before and love her so much now?

wanttobehealthy

I assume you are asking that rhetorically but when I read it one word came to mind as a possible answer to how you could go from detached to feeling love again strongly for her: HOPE. Maybe hope for what rehab might have given her and you and your family a chance for? I actually hated the times I felt hopeful after a while bc I inevitably was let down but I am glad that I gave my marriage a chance post rehab w XAH bc I would have always wondered. " what if". Anyway I hope your story Lost Husband has a happy ending for you all