Looking for help understanding my wife rehab journey
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Bellingham Washington
Posts: 10
Looking for help understanding my wife rehab journey
Hello, I just joined the forum today after trying to educate myself as to how to support my recovering alcoholic spouse by reading on the web about about supporting the rehab process, I thought maybe talking to some people who have had the same experience would be more helpful.
Being a newly single father of a beautiful toddler son and 4 year old daughter, though hoping this is not the case permanently, I am really having to come to grips with a lot of difficult issues that can be a little confusing and bewildering. I was really hoping that I could chat with some other people who had experienced this process or were experiencing now, hoping it will help me make sense of some of this.
We just finished up a very, very, difficult year with my wife, which culminated with me having to ask her to leave our home to protect our children a couple of months ago. I think this put her over the edge as we finally got her to go into an in-patient rehab program for alcohol 4 days ago.
I am sure that many/most of the people on this forum have similar stories about the last year before recovery started, probably some worse than ours, so I think it is probably best to spare the gory details. I am focusing my life on protecting my children from this, and trying to get my wife to the point where she can re-enter our lives.
Since almost every day had been an emotional roller coaster dealing with the ambivalent phase between between the intervention and the entry into the program, (it took us 7 days to get in once she decided to go). I was extremely relieved when we were finally able to drive down as a family and drop her off, the place looked nice, the admissions and counseling people were great, and I started to feel at ease after months of pain to get to that point. I honestly thought I would get her there and things would immediately start to get better. Unfortunately things immediately started to get more difficult, and I am hoping others have had similar experiences and that I can learn that this is a normal part of the process.
Drop off was day 1 and we did fairly well, other then being emotionally and physically exhausted after we got her admitted. I slept that night for the first time in weeks and woke up Saturday morning feeling like we had hope for the first time in a long time. it started getting difficult as I was fielding a steady stream of phone calls from well meaning people wanting an update, and a deluge of emails and text messages. I had to shut everything off and took the kids camping so we could get some peace.
Monday rolled around and we took the first left hook, the rehab place called to tell us our insurance company had decided to deny the claim after they had previously told us we had the benefit. Well there goes the savings account, but if it makes things better it will be worth it.
Monday evening was the end of the lock-down period and she was allowed to call, the kids were all excited and we waited, but no call. I phoned her mother the next evening and asked her if she had heard from her, and she hadn't, but her mother had to unload a little as she was pretty upset and really struggling to keep up with the subterfuge my wife had us both agree to.
Part of her agreement to go was that she concocted this elaborate web of lies to her family and friends, outside of the handful of people who knew the truth, to cover for why she was disappearing for a month. The plan involves me responding to her text messages and her mother responding to her emails pretending to be her. We agreed to the crazy scheme to get her to go, assuming after she started to feel better we would be released form this duty, but this is quickly proving unmanageable for both of us.
Tuesday during the day I called to talk to the clinic to see if they could tell me how she was doing, and they couldn't tell me much but that she was doing fine and seemed to be adjusting. I put the kids to bed that evening, and the phone rang late, and it was her.
She was very agitated and angry at the facility, the councilors, and us for making her go, and was throwing out her usual barbs about this being my fault and I should have done more research on the quality of the place before making her go, (this was one of the tough battles we faced after she agreed to go as she was mad about the accommodations at the places we presented to her, though we did an afternoon going through their websites and talking to them before she agreed on one, but to be fair she was drunk out of her head at the time). Tough one for me to rationalize as I am trying to figure out if we have to sell our house to pay for it, so I am not overly concerned about the quality of the food in the cafeteria or the mattresses. I had planned to drive down Wednesday night for the visiting hours, and to bring the kids down on Sunday for visiting, but she asked me not to come on Wednesday and change the visit plan from Sunday to Saturday.
It is a 5 hour round trip so it is a little difficult to manage changes, and I really need my three hour break on Saturday morning when I have a sitter, (it is my bit of alone time and I wait for it all week). I am the CEO of a small engineering firm, so work is fast paced and stressful, juggling two young kids can leave me worn out, and the 90 minutes between when they go to bed and when I do is usually spent taking care of the house and chores, so my three hours on Saturday is irrationally important to me.
Sorry I wasn't trying to rant, what I was hopping to do was to hear form some people who are a little further down this bumpy road, and get their insight on the start of the process. it would help me to understand if this is a fairly typical early experience, or if I need to work harder to be supportive for her.
Really any advice on dealing with the balancing act of trying to support a fragile recovering alcoholic without loosing my sanity or being an enabler. Is it unreasonable to try and have a life outside of supporting her recovery for the first couple of weeks, or should I just focus on her and try to survive. I know it sounds bad but the intense stress of the last few months has been difficult to deal with.
Also some insight or shared experiences from people regarding sheltering them from the real world, the patients early experiences with the facilities, food, program, councillors, is hating the place common and does it get better?
Is it selfish to try and have a life right now, if that makes things harder on her, or is it reasonable to have boundaries and expect the spouse to make some level of sacrifices as well?
Did other people go through the guilt of punishing a loved one to protect themselves and their children, and is feeling this way more signs of enabling?
Is it more important to focus on her recovery and have myself and the kids make more sacrifices in the short term to try and do everything we can to keep her on the path?
Is supporting her lying going to make things worse for her if she makes it through, or is this a reasonable request to help protect her from the real world as she gets started with treatment?
Being a newly single father of a beautiful toddler son and 4 year old daughter, though hoping this is not the case permanently, I am really having to come to grips with a lot of difficult issues that can be a little confusing and bewildering. I was really hoping that I could chat with some other people who had experienced this process or were experiencing now, hoping it will help me make sense of some of this.
We just finished up a very, very, difficult year with my wife, which culminated with me having to ask her to leave our home to protect our children a couple of months ago. I think this put her over the edge as we finally got her to go into an in-patient rehab program for alcohol 4 days ago.
I am sure that many/most of the people on this forum have similar stories about the last year before recovery started, probably some worse than ours, so I think it is probably best to spare the gory details. I am focusing my life on protecting my children from this, and trying to get my wife to the point where she can re-enter our lives.
Since almost every day had been an emotional roller coaster dealing with the ambivalent phase between between the intervention and the entry into the program, (it took us 7 days to get in once she decided to go). I was extremely relieved when we were finally able to drive down as a family and drop her off, the place looked nice, the admissions and counseling people were great, and I started to feel at ease after months of pain to get to that point. I honestly thought I would get her there and things would immediately start to get better. Unfortunately things immediately started to get more difficult, and I am hoping others have had similar experiences and that I can learn that this is a normal part of the process.
Drop off was day 1 and we did fairly well, other then being emotionally and physically exhausted after we got her admitted. I slept that night for the first time in weeks and woke up Saturday morning feeling like we had hope for the first time in a long time. it started getting difficult as I was fielding a steady stream of phone calls from well meaning people wanting an update, and a deluge of emails and text messages. I had to shut everything off and took the kids camping so we could get some peace.
Monday rolled around and we took the first left hook, the rehab place called to tell us our insurance company had decided to deny the claim after they had previously told us we had the benefit. Well there goes the savings account, but if it makes things better it will be worth it.
Monday evening was the end of the lock-down period and she was allowed to call, the kids were all excited and we waited, but no call. I phoned her mother the next evening and asked her if she had heard from her, and she hadn't, but her mother had to unload a little as she was pretty upset and really struggling to keep up with the subterfuge my wife had us both agree to.
Part of her agreement to go was that she concocted this elaborate web of lies to her family and friends, outside of the handful of people who knew the truth, to cover for why she was disappearing for a month. The plan involves me responding to her text messages and her mother responding to her emails pretending to be her. We agreed to the crazy scheme to get her to go, assuming after she started to feel better we would be released form this duty, but this is quickly proving unmanageable for both of us.
Tuesday during the day I called to talk to the clinic to see if they could tell me how she was doing, and they couldn't tell me much but that she was doing fine and seemed to be adjusting. I put the kids to bed that evening, and the phone rang late, and it was her.
She was very agitated and angry at the facility, the councilors, and us for making her go, and was throwing out her usual barbs about this being my fault and I should have done more research on the quality of the place before making her go, (this was one of the tough battles we faced after she agreed to go as she was mad about the accommodations at the places we presented to her, though we did an afternoon going through their websites and talking to them before she agreed on one, but to be fair she was drunk out of her head at the time). Tough one for me to rationalize as I am trying to figure out if we have to sell our house to pay for it, so I am not overly concerned about the quality of the food in the cafeteria or the mattresses. I had planned to drive down Wednesday night for the visiting hours, and to bring the kids down on Sunday for visiting, but she asked me not to come on Wednesday and change the visit plan from Sunday to Saturday.
It is a 5 hour round trip so it is a little difficult to manage changes, and I really need my three hour break on Saturday morning when I have a sitter, (it is my bit of alone time and I wait for it all week). I am the CEO of a small engineering firm, so work is fast paced and stressful, juggling two young kids can leave me worn out, and the 90 minutes between when they go to bed and when I do is usually spent taking care of the house and chores, so my three hours on Saturday is irrationally important to me.
Sorry I wasn't trying to rant, what I was hopping to do was to hear form some people who are a little further down this bumpy road, and get their insight on the start of the process. it would help me to understand if this is a fairly typical early experience, or if I need to work harder to be supportive for her.
Really any advice on dealing with the balancing act of trying to support a fragile recovering alcoholic without loosing my sanity or being an enabler. Is it unreasonable to try and have a life outside of supporting her recovery for the first couple of weeks, or should I just focus on her and try to survive. I know it sounds bad but the intense stress of the last few months has been difficult to deal with.
Also some insight or shared experiences from people regarding sheltering them from the real world, the patients early experiences with the facilities, food, program, councillors, is hating the place common and does it get better?
Is it selfish to try and have a life right now, if that makes things harder on her, or is it reasonable to have boundaries and expect the spouse to make some level of sacrifices as well?
Did other people go through the guilt of punishing a loved one to protect themselves and their children, and is feeling this way more signs of enabling?
Is it more important to focus on her recovery and have myself and the kids make more sacrifices in the short term to try and do everything we can to keep her on the path?
Is supporting her lying going to make things worse for her if she makes it through, or is this a reasonable request to help protect her from the real world as she gets started with treatment?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You have found a wonderful place of support and information. I hope you will continue to post and read as often as needed.
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. You have been on a roller coaster, haven't you? You are not alone, I too have been on the roller coaster of trying to please and alcoholic.
It's okay to get off the ride.
You and your children deserve a chance to catch your breath and focus on each other during this time. Your AW (alcoholic wife) is under the care of professionals. She is receiving attention, nutrition, and safety from harming herself. You and your children deserve the same.
Part of her agreement to go was that she concocted this elaborate web of lies to her family and friends, outside of the handful of people who knew the truth, to cover for why she was disappearing for a month. The plan involves me responding to her text messages and her mother responding to her emails pretending to be her. We agreed to the crazy scheme to get her to go, assuming after she started to feel better we would be released form this duty, but this is quickly proving unmanageable for both of us.
You made this agreement with someone who was not rational, sober or healthy. It is okay to change your mind. You can let HER texts and emails wait for HER reply.
I also think it is okay to keep your Saturday schedule. You and your children are comfortable with your regular Saturday arrangement, right? Has it become a normal routine in your lives?
I am sending you encouragement and support as you begin a recovery journey for yourself and your children.
I encourage you to read in the permanent posts at the top of this main page. We call those posts the "Stickies". Here is one of my favorite stickies about helping an addict:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
You have found a wonderful place of support and information. I hope you will continue to post and read as often as needed.
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. You have been on a roller coaster, haven't you? You are not alone, I too have been on the roller coaster of trying to please and alcoholic.
It's okay to get off the ride.
You and your children deserve a chance to catch your breath and focus on each other during this time. Your AW (alcoholic wife) is under the care of professionals. She is receiving attention, nutrition, and safety from harming herself. You and your children deserve the same.
Part of her agreement to go was that she concocted this elaborate web of lies to her family and friends, outside of the handful of people who knew the truth, to cover for why she was disappearing for a month. The plan involves me responding to her text messages and her mother responding to her emails pretending to be her. We agreed to the crazy scheme to get her to go, assuming after she started to feel better we would be released form this duty, but this is quickly proving unmanageable for both of us.
You made this agreement with someone who was not rational, sober or healthy. It is okay to change your mind. You can let HER texts and emails wait for HER reply.
I also think it is okay to keep your Saturday schedule. You and your children are comfortable with your regular Saturday arrangement, right? Has it become a normal routine in your lives?
I am sending you encouragement and support as you begin a recovery journey for yourself and your children.
I encourage you to read in the permanent posts at the top of this main page. We call those posts the "Stickies". Here is one of my favorite stickies about helping an addict:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
She's still thinking, talking and acting like a drunk. So do what any person should do in such a situation: remove yourself from the drunk.
The defining feature of codependency is feelings of guilt for taking care of one's own needs. I think you will have to work on that.
When you have to make a decision, ask yourself "Is this good for me? Is this good for my children?" It helps get clarity.
Your AW has everything anyone serious about getting sober could ever want. I agree with anvilhead: let her do what she's going to do, and step out of the picture and take care of your family.
Good luck and work on that guilt thing.
The defining feature of codependency is feelings of guilt for taking care of one's own needs. I think you will have to work on that.
When you have to make a decision, ask yourself "Is this good for me? Is this good for my children?" It helps get clarity.
Your AW has everything anyone serious about getting sober could ever want. I agree with anvilhead: let her do what she's going to do, and step out of the picture and take care of your family.
Good luck and work on that guilt thing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 152
Hi NWHusband and welcome,
When I first came upon this site one of the first things someone said to me is to remember the 3 "C's"
1) I didnt cause this
2) I cant control this
3) I cant cure this
Those three C's have been a saving grace for me. There is nothing you are going to do for to change her. She is the one that has to make the choice. Hang in there, this site has some wonderful people with lots of great advice.
grizz
When I first came upon this site one of the first things someone said to me is to remember the 3 "C's"
1) I didnt cause this
2) I cant control this
3) I cant cure this
Those three C's have been a saving grace for me. There is nothing you are going to do for to change her. She is the one that has to make the choice. Hang in there, this site has some wonderful people with lots of great advice.
grizz
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I just want to welcome you to SR and second the good advice you have been given.
My experience with my AW. She has been to rehab and detox multiple times. Just because she got help she choose not to use it. It simply became another manipulation tool for her to throw in my face how she had to go through the horrors of rehab and it was my fault.
The best thing I could do was loose the magical thinking that everything would be fine we she came home. I finally accepted that recovery was her choice. By looking at her actions rather than listening to her words I learned to see what was really going on and not the fairy tale she was spinning.
A favorite saying of mine is "Hope clouds observation".
Good luck to you and your children and keeping coming back. This place is a life saver.
Your friend,
My experience with my AW. She has been to rehab and detox multiple times. Just because she got help she choose not to use it. It simply became another manipulation tool for her to throw in my face how she had to go through the horrors of rehab and it was my fault.
The best thing I could do was loose the magical thinking that everything would be fine we she came home. I finally accepted that recovery was her choice. By looking at her actions rather than listening to her words I learned to see what was really going on and not the fairy tale she was spinning.
A favorite saying of mine is "Hope clouds observation".
Good luck to you and your children and keeping coming back. This place is a life saver.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR. I hope you find comfort and answers to some of your questions here.
In my experience with the A in rehab, they are having to face some pretty tough stuff while feeling like crap in the first week or two. They complain........it's just what they do. Let the professionals do their job. Does it get better? It did with the A in my life in the last couple of weeks. It went into the "pink cloud" type of better though.
Is it selfish? Absolutely NOT. In fact, it's extremely healthy! Unfortunately most of us have catered to the tantrums and manipulations of the A for a very long time and have become every bit as messed up as they are (speaking for myself here). The agreement that you and her mother made to get her to go (regarding the texts and emails) is evidence of this irrational thought process (don't worry....most of us have done things of a similar nature......or worse). This is a great time to begin readjusting your thinking. To stop catering to the king baby (or in your case queen baby) tantrums. The A will hold you hostage with their tantrums. Your fear of her drinking again will get you to comply. It's just the way this dance works.
Unless you are doing something with malice, you aren't punishing her. Taking care of yourself and those children FIRST is not punishing your wife. It is the healthy, responsible thing to do. When I am reacting due to my feelings of Fear, Obligation or Guilt (F.O.G.), I need to closely examine my motivations. It clouds my thinking and I react or do things that are not healthy for me.
This is an important time for you to begin your recovery. Support for your wife is "being" something.....not "doing" something. If the program she is in has family counseling, participate as much as you are able. My own recovery (from the fallout of loving an A) began while he was in an inpatient facility. It was recovering addicts and alcoholics who helped me begin to see my own unhealthy behaviors and how it affected me and enabled the A to drink/use.
More importantly, supporting her lying is making you complicit in her disease.
I can't even begin to tell you how messed up my thinking was when married to an A. My thinking continued to be messed up as I began dealing with my son's alcoholism and addiction. It took me a very long time to realize that I needed as much help as they did. The difference? I wanted it.....they didn't. Ultimately the only control I had was over myself, my own actions and reactions, my own behaviors. Codependence is love gone haywire. They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions......I put an awful lot of bricks down on that road.
Glad you're here. Hope you stick around. Read. Participate. Ask questions. You might consider trying Al-Anon meetings......for me, those meetings helped me get and stay healthy. They also provided me with the understanding of what the A was dealing with and a common language. The support of others in a similar situation was invaluable. I came to understand that the A's recovery belongs to them......and my recovery belongs to me.
gentle hugs
ke
Also some insight or shared experiences from people regarding sheltering them from the real world, the patients early experiences with the facilities, food, program, councillors, is hating the place common and does it get better?
Is it selfish to try and have a life right now, if that makes things harder on her, or is it reasonable to have boundaries and expect the spouse to make some level of sacrifices as well?
Did other people go through the guilt of punishing a loved one to protect themselves and their children, and is feeling this way more signs of enabling?
Is it more important to focus on her recovery and have myself and the kids make more sacrifices in the short term to try and do everything we can to keep her on the path?
Is supporting her lying going to make things worse for her if she makes it through, or is this a reasonable request to help protect her from the real world as she gets started with treatment?
I can't even begin to tell you how messed up my thinking was when married to an A. My thinking continued to be messed up as I began dealing with my son's alcoholism and addiction. It took me a very long time to realize that I needed as much help as they did. The difference? I wanted it.....they didn't. Ultimately the only control I had was over myself, my own actions and reactions, my own behaviors. Codependence is love gone haywire. They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions......I put an awful lot of bricks down on that road.
Glad you're here. Hope you stick around. Read. Participate. Ask questions. You might consider trying Al-Anon meetings......for me, those meetings helped me get and stay healthy. They also provided me with the understanding of what the A was dealing with and a common language. The support of others in a similar situation was invaluable. I came to understand that the A's recovery belongs to them......and my recovery belongs to me.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Bellingham Washington
Posts: 10
Wow guys, this is good stuff.
Pelican, Anvilhead, EnglishGarden, thank you for the support, getting through this is too tough to do it alone, I so wish there was a manual and an easy button, (Sorry engineer coming out).
It meant more than I can easily explain to me to hear some people, especially woman, tell me it was OK to focus on myself and the kids. I just couldn't figure out if I was being selfish, or if I was being an enabler by running myself ragged trying to coddle and support her. The dose of reality and perspective probably saved us last night, as she is turning up the pressure, and my instincts are all wrong for dealign with this. I needed that crutch to help me stay strong.
Grizz, Mike thanks for posting and the PM, I really mean it, it really helps to hear there are other guys going through this as well. I think part of this struggle is dealing with our cave man instinct to protect our loved ones. Normally a good thing, but when combined with a manipulative and desperate alcoholic, that instinct can easily make make me into an enabler. It is good to hear some rational guys that are able to take the hard line with their spouses, or at least understand it is necessary. Trying to deal with the guilt and be firm with her has been hard for me to accept.
I guess the guilt thing is pretty obvious to everyone. She blames me for being such an unsupportive jerk that it drove her to drinking and caused her depression. I have been struggling for years to find a way to cope with the issues that developed after the birth of our first child, mainly the increase in the already dangerous drinking and the emotional roller coaster it has put our life into, and I have unconsciously emotionally shut down to her as a way of coping. I feel so guilty about putting my sanity before her emotional needs that it is hard for me to believe her life isn't my fault. I think it is a big step for me to say that out load, and it was last night around 12:00 when I was first able to say it. It felt pretty good.
Yesterday was by far the worst day yet, I spoke to her 3 times and she left me a couple of messages when I couldn't take her calls during the day. These were brutal conversations as she wants me to come pick her up, and it was getting hard for me to fend her off and hold my line about filling for a restraining order if she leaves treatment. Probably the same kind of calls a lot of spouses and friends have received from alcoholics in rehab before, but I didn't anticipate the magnifying effect of the pressure.
In her words the place is like an internment camp, and she had a handful of stories that sounded pretty bad, having her room searched because her room mate snuck out and was using, having a friend sent to the psych ward, being in detox with scary men she is afraid of, all sorts of stuff delivered in a crying, emotional, and scared voice. It is a lot easier to deal with her when she is angry, hurt and scared are much harder for me. There is also the constant back message that this is all my fault, I should have done more research and found a better place for her, she would be doing better if the place was normal, I should have found a place that would deal with her real problems of depression and low self confidence, this place focuses on drunks, and we both know she is nto really a drunk, she just drinks to deal with her real problems. After a couple of AA meetings and hearing stories she says she now gets how screwed up peoples lives are from drinking, but that doesn't apply to her because she is not an alcoholic, but she will drink less when she gets home.
Typing this and reading the nuggets of sanity you all posted make it pretty obvious that she is in denial, and the things she is saying really don't make much sense when I step back and look at the facts. I know I need to make this her problem not mine. Knowing is easier than doing it, but a little reassurance that I am not the crazy one made me strong enough to get through a rocky day yesterday, and I am ready for another round when the phones come on again this morning. I actually breathed a sigh of relief when they hit lights out last night and I knew the phone call were over for a while.
Unfortunately her last shot hit home pretty hard, she told me she was too upset to see the kids this weekend and she didn't want me to bring them. I should have gotten mad and asked her to think about what her actions were doing to them, but I faltered as soon as I pictured sitting my four year old down and explaining that the visit this weekend is off. The two year old thankfully doesn't understand very well when we were supposed to be going, but my daughter has it marked on the calendar and has been crossing the days off as we get closer. She is going to be crushed and it is going to hurt me so bad to have to tell her that I am shuddering thinking about it.
Anyway todays plan is to deliver the following message:
1) She is already out of our lives, she needs to deal with this addiction to get back in. I m supporting her recovery efforts so if she does not start making an effort I will not continue to support her emotionally.
2) If she leaves treatment she is not welcome home and I will file for the restraining order we talked about.
3) I am sorry the place is uncomfortable, but she has to get past it and respect the fact that she is in this place because she can not control her drinking, not because I am a jerk.
4) It is not enough for me that she sits there for 28 days and is miserable, she needs to understand this is her problem and her responsibility to engage in treatment.
5) Please reconsider seeing the children this weekend, in my mind it is selfish to put them through this to save her from the pain, making sacrifices is part of being a parent and she is hurting her children.
Pelican, Anvilhead, EnglishGarden, thank you for the support, getting through this is too tough to do it alone, I so wish there was a manual and an easy button, (Sorry engineer coming out).
It meant more than I can easily explain to me to hear some people, especially woman, tell me it was OK to focus on myself and the kids. I just couldn't figure out if I was being selfish, or if I was being an enabler by running myself ragged trying to coddle and support her. The dose of reality and perspective probably saved us last night, as she is turning up the pressure, and my instincts are all wrong for dealign with this. I needed that crutch to help me stay strong.
Grizz, Mike thanks for posting and the PM, I really mean it, it really helps to hear there are other guys going through this as well. I think part of this struggle is dealing with our cave man instinct to protect our loved ones. Normally a good thing, but when combined with a manipulative and desperate alcoholic, that instinct can easily make make me into an enabler. It is good to hear some rational guys that are able to take the hard line with their spouses, or at least understand it is necessary. Trying to deal with the guilt and be firm with her has been hard for me to accept.
I guess the guilt thing is pretty obvious to everyone. She blames me for being such an unsupportive jerk that it drove her to drinking and caused her depression. I have been struggling for years to find a way to cope with the issues that developed after the birth of our first child, mainly the increase in the already dangerous drinking and the emotional roller coaster it has put our life into, and I have unconsciously emotionally shut down to her as a way of coping. I feel so guilty about putting my sanity before her emotional needs that it is hard for me to believe her life isn't my fault. I think it is a big step for me to say that out load, and it was last night around 12:00 when I was first able to say it. It felt pretty good.
Yesterday was by far the worst day yet, I spoke to her 3 times and she left me a couple of messages when I couldn't take her calls during the day. These were brutal conversations as she wants me to come pick her up, and it was getting hard for me to fend her off and hold my line about filling for a restraining order if she leaves treatment. Probably the same kind of calls a lot of spouses and friends have received from alcoholics in rehab before, but I didn't anticipate the magnifying effect of the pressure.
In her words the place is like an internment camp, and she had a handful of stories that sounded pretty bad, having her room searched because her room mate snuck out and was using, having a friend sent to the psych ward, being in detox with scary men she is afraid of, all sorts of stuff delivered in a crying, emotional, and scared voice. It is a lot easier to deal with her when she is angry, hurt and scared are much harder for me. There is also the constant back message that this is all my fault, I should have done more research and found a better place for her, she would be doing better if the place was normal, I should have found a place that would deal with her real problems of depression and low self confidence, this place focuses on drunks, and we both know she is nto really a drunk, she just drinks to deal with her real problems. After a couple of AA meetings and hearing stories she says she now gets how screwed up peoples lives are from drinking, but that doesn't apply to her because she is not an alcoholic, but she will drink less when she gets home.
Typing this and reading the nuggets of sanity you all posted make it pretty obvious that she is in denial, and the things she is saying really don't make much sense when I step back and look at the facts. I know I need to make this her problem not mine. Knowing is easier than doing it, but a little reassurance that I am not the crazy one made me strong enough to get through a rocky day yesterday, and I am ready for another round when the phones come on again this morning. I actually breathed a sigh of relief when they hit lights out last night and I knew the phone call were over for a while.
Unfortunately her last shot hit home pretty hard, she told me she was too upset to see the kids this weekend and she didn't want me to bring them. I should have gotten mad and asked her to think about what her actions were doing to them, but I faltered as soon as I pictured sitting my four year old down and explaining that the visit this weekend is off. The two year old thankfully doesn't understand very well when we were supposed to be going, but my daughter has it marked on the calendar and has been crossing the days off as we get closer. She is going to be crushed and it is going to hurt me so bad to have to tell her that I am shuddering thinking about it.
Anyway todays plan is to deliver the following message:
1) She is already out of our lives, she needs to deal with this addiction to get back in. I m supporting her recovery efforts so if she does not start making an effort I will not continue to support her emotionally.
2) If she leaves treatment she is not welcome home and I will file for the restraining order we talked about.
3) I am sorry the place is uncomfortable, but she has to get past it and respect the fact that she is in this place because she can not control her drinking, not because I am a jerk.
4) It is not enough for me that she sits there for 28 days and is miserable, she needs to understand this is her problem and her responsibility to engage in treatment.
5) Please reconsider seeing the children this weekend, in my mind it is selfish to put them through this to save her from the pain, making sacrifices is part of being a parent and she is hurting her children.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
In her words the place is like an internment camp, and she had a handful of stories that sounded pretty bad, having her room searched because her room mate snuck out and was using, having a friend sent to the psych ward, being in detox with scary men she is afraid of, all sorts of stuff delivered in a crying, emotional, and scared voice. It is a lot easier to deal with her when she is angry, hurt and scared are much harder for me. There is also the constant back message that this is all my fault, I should have done more research and found a better place for her, she would be doing better if the place was normal, I should have found a place that would deal with her real problems of depression and low self confidence, this place focuses on drunks, and we both know she is nto really a drunk, she just drinks to deal with her real problems. After a couple of AA meetings and hearing stories she says she now gets how screwed up peoples lives are from drinking, but that doesn't apply to her because she is not an alcoholic, but she will drink less when she gets home.
As for the excuses for her drinking. She drinks because she want to. No more, no less. I found it much easier to cope when I accepted that.
IMO you are making good choices to start protecting yourself and your family.
It's funny now, but when I watch vampire movies I always see my AW as the vampire. Pretending love and then sucking the life out of everyone she comes in contact with.
If you ever want to talk privately please feel free to PM me.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Hi and welcome to SR. So sorry for your situation that brought you here, especially with two little ones at home. I imagine you've been a single Dad for a while now...Alcoholics don't make good parents.
Have you considered Al-Anon? Read Under the Influence? Attended a few open AA meetings? Best to take this time to educate yourself to what you are dealing with - in realistic and practical terms. Step aside from the calls, texts, emotional manipulation. Understand this is normal and expected for someone who did not want to go to rehab in the first place. She wasn't ready to change her life, you were. Her Mother was. But she wasn't ready. Now she has a chance to face her demons, and by harassing you, she is not doing so just yet.
Grizz posted the 3 C's above. I can't stress enough how important it is to keep these in your immediate focus. I carried them around in my purse for months, on a little scrap of paper, and read them every day. It was one of the tools I used to protect myself from the blaming. We don't cause them to drink. None of us can control another person. And no one can cure another person.
You are responsible for you, and your little ones. Your wife's alcoholism is her responsibility.
Education is empowerment...read, learn, listen, find support for you, and maybe...at least in these early days of rehab...stop answering the phone.
Take good care,
~T
Have you considered Al-Anon? Read Under the Influence? Attended a few open AA meetings? Best to take this time to educate yourself to what you are dealing with - in realistic and practical terms. Step aside from the calls, texts, emotional manipulation. Understand this is normal and expected for someone who did not want to go to rehab in the first place. She wasn't ready to change her life, you were. Her Mother was. But she wasn't ready. Now she has a chance to face her demons, and by harassing you, she is not doing so just yet.
Grizz posted the 3 C's above. I can't stress enough how important it is to keep these in your immediate focus. I carried them around in my purse for months, on a little scrap of paper, and read them every day. It was one of the tools I used to protect myself from the blaming. We don't cause them to drink. None of us can control another person. And no one can cure another person.
You are responsible for you, and your little ones. Your wife's alcoholism is her responsibility.
Education is empowerment...read, learn, listen, find support for you, and maybe...at least in these early days of rehab...stop answering the phone.
Take good care,
~T
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
NWHusband,
So many of the things you write hit home with me. Ultimately I had to learn that it didn't matter how much I wanted him to get sober it would only work if he wanted it. My husband went through rehab three times before I finally got off of the roller coaster. Each time he resumed drinking as soon as he got out.
As an engineer you are trying to apply logic in dealing with an alcoholic. Logic doesn't work with them. It does work when you apply it to your own recovery and take care of yourself and those precious children. I needed someone to tell (over and over) that it was HIS job to take care of him and MY job to take care of me. Now it makes perfect sense but a the time I thought I was being selfish.
You'll find lots of wisdom and support here. Also please find a local AlAnon meeting and get some face to face support from people that have also been exactly where you are.
So many of the things you write hit home with me. Ultimately I had to learn that it didn't matter how much I wanted him to get sober it would only work if he wanted it. My husband went through rehab three times before I finally got off of the roller coaster. Each time he resumed drinking as soon as he got out.
As an engineer you are trying to apply logic in dealing with an alcoholic. Logic doesn't work with them. It does work when you apply it to your own recovery and take care of yourself and those precious children. I needed someone to tell (over and over) that it was HIS job to take care of him and MY job to take care of me. Now it makes perfect sense but a the time I thought I was being selfish.
You'll find lots of wisdom and support here. Also please find a local AlAnon meeting and get some face to face support from people that have also been exactly where you are.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 145
Originally Posted by NWHusband 
. . . deal with her real problems of depression and low self confidence . . . she is not really a drunk, she just drinks to deal with her real problems.
If the calls get to be too bad, disconnect your phone and take a break. She is safe where she is.
Try not to feel guilty. You are handling this situation very well, and all of your feelings are completely normal. Coming to this web site will be a huge help to you.
My biggest regret in dealing with the alcoholics in my life is that I always thought I had to accept it, in order to be a good sister, wife, mother, daughter, etc. Not until I came to this forum did I find out otherwise.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: california
Posts: 103
I agree with anvilhead...do something else with the kids like a children's museum or such....way too much stress for them (and you) if she is acting this way.
I appreciated your honesty about feeling guilty for emotionally shutting her out......I did similar and I understand what you are saying...hang in there!
I appreciated your honesty about feeling guilty for emotionally shutting her out......I did similar and I understand what you are saying...hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
Originally Posted by NWHusband
Hello, I just joined the forum today after I was really hoping that I could chat with some other people who had experienced this process or were experiencing now, hoping it will help me make sense of some of this.
I'll be reading your posts and all replies with interest since I'm likely to be facing many of the same issues which you are currently dealing with. The only thing which might make my situation somewhat easier is that rather than two children, we have two dogs. Their "expectations" are therefore quite a bit easier for me to meet.
FWIW, I think you should take this opportunity to relax a bit and focus on yourself and your children. Somewhere I read that having a spouse in rehab can leave you guessing whether the storm is really over, or whether you've simply entered into the eye of the hurricane. Regardless, right now is a chance to rest up and regain strength for the next phase of coming home.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Bellingham Washington
Posts: 10
Week 1 in the books :)
Thanks again guys for the words,and good luck Hypatia. I think I would have done a lot better with week 1 had I spent some time researching sites like this and better allowing myself to process my emotions around these issues, before jumping into this mess. I really thought it was get them through the door and all will be well, almost funny now. I came very close to making fatal errors that would have enabled her to continue from my lack of awareness, I think it is great you are getting wise before it starts. I really hope he fills out the forums, I filled them out for my wife an ddid her admissions interview for her, might be a sign of the problem.
Well week one ended with a bang, I wrote yesterday about day 6, but day 7, yesterday, was a pretty bad one. Funny enough it was far easier dealing with being a little prepared. I went to bed last night feeling much better than I did on the night of day 6 after a much rockier day, so that sounds a little like progress.
I called and made the final payment for the program yesterday morning, I had been holding off in case as I was pretty sure she would not stay, and that felt to me like I wasn't all in. The lady in billing told me she was glad I called as they needed to get ahold of me, my wife was acting up and trying to leave, and they were trying to get her to stay. They asked if I could do a conference call with her councilor and liaison person, and I told them sure and hung up and waited.
It took a couple of hours for them to call back and while i was waiting I read some replies to my post from yesterday morning. This was between LuvMySis and Anvilheads comments, and I felt a lot better about my decision to start making this her problem. I just love that term Drunk Quackery, it is just so perfect for my wife, and I am sure the other spouses, as I can just picture her with a duck bill and instead of crazy ramblings coming out there is just emotional quacking, punctuated by a few english words. Great visual for putting it in perspective.
During the wait I called my 10 year sober cousin who now does speaking for recovering alcoholics and talked for a while. We are very close and she is a great resource, I should have used it earlier but for soem reason I need to figure out I held off. We talked about the day, and my plan to fight back and just drunken insanity in general and I was feeling pretty good when the phone finally rang.
We talked for about an hour, and I was surprised that the councilor thought her chances were a little better than I thought they would have been if we could get her to stay, and the two of them spent about an hour pumping me up to get ready to deliver my message, and hopefully get her to stay. I really don't think I needed the pep talk, I was pretty determined, but it didn't hurt. For some reason I keep needing validation on this, something I am going to have to get to the mental bottom on.
The councilor left to talk to her and I waited on the phone with the liaison lady, but my wife wouldn't get ont he phone so the councilor delivered the message for me and they told me they would call back if needed as they might have to bring her in the room and put me on speaker phone.
I worked the rest of the day waiting for the phone to ring but it hadn't by 3:55 so I called back, (they stop answering at 4:00), unfortunately I wasn't abel to get ahold of anyone. Being a bit of an obsessor this normally would have really bothered me, but I kept thinking of the words that so many people have posted about letting the professionals do their job, worrying about me and my family not her problems, and things to that affect, and it felt really nice to let go a little and leave her problems to her, I went home to play with my kids.
I got a lot in that moment of clarity, most of it painful, but the feeling of getting control back in my life over-rode the negative. I get now that for years I have been hawkishly monitoring my wife's decline, and diving head first into her problems to fix them before they got too bad and might affect our ability to stay together, or the kids might witness them. I had a real bad conversation with a divorce lawyer a few years ago about custody, primarily around the chances of me getting full custody, as her problem was in check enough at the time that I didn't have a lot of evidence to how bad it was outside of the home.
I have been living in terrible fear and anxiety since then that if I divorced her she would get custody, and my kids would not only be at risk of being killed by her disease, but since she only surrounds herself with other drunks she would eventually mary one, and my pre-disposed kids would be raised by two alcoholics not just one. This gut wrenching irrational terror has driven me to do a lot of crazy things since that day, and most of them have centered around helping my wife hide her problem and continually allowing her to recede from the consequences of her choices.
I mean really bad enabling, like calling the police and explaining I got in an accident with my wife's car and didn't realize until I got home so it might have appeared like a hit and run. Avoiding visiting my family for years so that they wouldn't get caught up in an incident, I let me guard down once and I had to try to explain to my sister why it was Ok that she walked into the kitchen and found my wife chugging a bottle of baileys at 8:00 AM. Stuff like that. I lived by the mantra that my youngest would be going to college in 15.x years and then I could safely get a divorce. Hell I would only have been 53, no problem starting to work on my needs then I would still have a lot of time left to enjoy life?
Anyway I spent the evening with the kids, broke it to them that we would not be seeing mom this weekend, which went worse than I had anticipated, this is hard on them but ultimately I got through it knowing if I stop avoiding reality this will be OK. I put them to bed and sat down to watch 28 days, just felt right. Man the quacking at the start of that show could have been my wife
I spent a couple of hours writing a long email to my parents and my two siblings apologizing for the pain I have caused them over my last three years, and letting them now I am struggling with my wife's alcoholism but I was starting to make sense of some of it. I am working up the courage to start calling and having a real conversation with them individually. Sounds like I jumped ahead to my step 9?
Anyway I still haven't heard if my wife got hauled to the psycho ward, climbed the fence and made for the bus station, or if they made progress on her denial phase. I don't ant to sound cruel, but I am comfortable that she is surrounded by professionals and is safe, and my kids and I have better things to do than ride this roller coaster. Goal for today: look for an Al-anon meeting...
Week 1 Done!
Well week one ended with a bang, I wrote yesterday about day 6, but day 7, yesterday, was a pretty bad one. Funny enough it was far easier dealing with being a little prepared. I went to bed last night feeling much better than I did on the night of day 6 after a much rockier day, so that sounds a little like progress.
I called and made the final payment for the program yesterday morning, I had been holding off in case as I was pretty sure she would not stay, and that felt to me like I wasn't all in. The lady in billing told me she was glad I called as they needed to get ahold of me, my wife was acting up and trying to leave, and they were trying to get her to stay. They asked if I could do a conference call with her councilor and liaison person, and I told them sure and hung up and waited.
It took a couple of hours for them to call back and while i was waiting I read some replies to my post from yesterday morning. This was between LuvMySis and Anvilheads comments, and I felt a lot better about my decision to start making this her problem. I just love that term Drunk Quackery, it is just so perfect for my wife, and I am sure the other spouses, as I can just picture her with a duck bill and instead of crazy ramblings coming out there is just emotional quacking, punctuated by a few english words. Great visual for putting it in perspective.
During the wait I called my 10 year sober cousin who now does speaking for recovering alcoholics and talked for a while. We are very close and she is a great resource, I should have used it earlier but for soem reason I need to figure out I held off. We talked about the day, and my plan to fight back and just drunken insanity in general and I was feeling pretty good when the phone finally rang.
We talked for about an hour, and I was surprised that the councilor thought her chances were a little better than I thought they would have been if we could get her to stay, and the two of them spent about an hour pumping me up to get ready to deliver my message, and hopefully get her to stay. I really don't think I needed the pep talk, I was pretty determined, but it didn't hurt. For some reason I keep needing validation on this, something I am going to have to get to the mental bottom on.
The councilor left to talk to her and I waited on the phone with the liaison lady, but my wife wouldn't get ont he phone so the councilor delivered the message for me and they told me they would call back if needed as they might have to bring her in the room and put me on speaker phone.
I worked the rest of the day waiting for the phone to ring but it hadn't by 3:55 so I called back, (they stop answering at 4:00), unfortunately I wasn't abel to get ahold of anyone. Being a bit of an obsessor this normally would have really bothered me, but I kept thinking of the words that so many people have posted about letting the professionals do their job, worrying about me and my family not her problems, and things to that affect, and it felt really nice to let go a little and leave her problems to her, I went home to play with my kids.
I got a lot in that moment of clarity, most of it painful, but the feeling of getting control back in my life over-rode the negative. I get now that for years I have been hawkishly monitoring my wife's decline, and diving head first into her problems to fix them before they got too bad and might affect our ability to stay together, or the kids might witness them. I had a real bad conversation with a divorce lawyer a few years ago about custody, primarily around the chances of me getting full custody, as her problem was in check enough at the time that I didn't have a lot of evidence to how bad it was outside of the home.
I have been living in terrible fear and anxiety since then that if I divorced her she would get custody, and my kids would not only be at risk of being killed by her disease, but since she only surrounds herself with other drunks she would eventually mary one, and my pre-disposed kids would be raised by two alcoholics not just one. This gut wrenching irrational terror has driven me to do a lot of crazy things since that day, and most of them have centered around helping my wife hide her problem and continually allowing her to recede from the consequences of her choices.
I mean really bad enabling, like calling the police and explaining I got in an accident with my wife's car and didn't realize until I got home so it might have appeared like a hit and run. Avoiding visiting my family for years so that they wouldn't get caught up in an incident, I let me guard down once and I had to try to explain to my sister why it was Ok that she walked into the kitchen and found my wife chugging a bottle of baileys at 8:00 AM. Stuff like that. I lived by the mantra that my youngest would be going to college in 15.x years and then I could safely get a divorce. Hell I would only have been 53, no problem starting to work on my needs then I would still have a lot of time left to enjoy life?
Anyway I spent the evening with the kids, broke it to them that we would not be seeing mom this weekend, which went worse than I had anticipated, this is hard on them but ultimately I got through it knowing if I stop avoiding reality this will be OK. I put them to bed and sat down to watch 28 days, just felt right. Man the quacking at the start of that show could have been my wife
I spent a couple of hours writing a long email to my parents and my two siblings apologizing for the pain I have caused them over my last three years, and letting them now I am struggling with my wife's alcoholism but I was starting to make sense of some of it. I am working up the courage to start calling and having a real conversation with them individually. Sounds like I jumped ahead to my step 9?Anyway I still haven't heard if my wife got hauled to the psycho ward, climbed the fence and made for the bus station, or if they made progress on her denial phase. I don't ant to sound cruel, but I am comfortable that she is surrounded by professionals and is safe, and my kids and I have better things to do than ride this roller coaster. Goal for today: look for an Al-anon meeting...
Week 1 Done!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by NWHusband
Unfortunately her last shot hit home pretty hard, she told me she was too upset to see the kids this weekend and she didn't want me to bring them. I should have gotten mad and asked her to think about what her actions were doing to them, but I faltered as soon as I pictured sitting my four year old down and explaining that the visit this weekend is off. The two year old thankfully doesn't understand very well when we were supposed to be going, but my daughter has it marked on the calendar and has been crossing the days off as we get closer. She is going to be crushed and it is going to hurt me so bad to have to tell her that I am shuddering thinking about it.
5) Please reconsider seeing the children this weekend, in my mind it is selfish to put them through this to save her from the pain, making sacrifices is part of being a parent and she is hurting her children.
5) Please reconsider seeing the children this weekend, in my mind it is selfish to put them through this to save her from the pain, making sacrifices is part of being a parent and she is hurting her children.
The first visitor day my husband had while in detox, I declined going. I was 7 months pregnant, had a 13 month old, my husband had just lost his job...I needed to focus on myself and my child. I took her to another visitor day when it was family day. It was incredibly painful for myself and my husband. My daughter obviously didn't understand but it's really not a good situation. One of the other detox participants had his wife and 7 year old there...he was be detoxed from opiates. His wife had to leave early with their child because it just wasn't a good situation.
Making sacrifices is part of parenting, one that at least in my experience my husband didn't quite grasp since he was too focused on his needs, his drinking, his wants to see, but this isn't really a sacrifice that would be good for your children.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 76
We cross posted. I'm glad you made the decision not to take your children. It's hard. My husband was in detox for 12 days. It's not easy - they limited contact so that was incredibly useful for me, but I wound up speaking with someone from the facility nearly every day, if not more than once a day. They wanted me to coerce my husband into certain treatments, we had to discuss Marchmant acting...It still makes me angry that they preach the "you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it" then turn around and expect you to force/coerce the addict into the treatment they choose.
Don't expect her denial to end once she's out of that initial phase. It took a lonnnnggg time for it to hit my husband, even once he was in outpatient treatment and not in detox.
Good luck!
Don't expect her denial to end once she's out of that initial phase. It took a lonnnnggg time for it to hit my husband, even once he was in outpatient treatment and not in detox.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I was amazed when I finally quit holding in my secrets and started talking about what was happening in my home and marriage. Losing that 800lb gorilla made life much easier.
Wishing you some peace and quiet today, and fun with your kids.
~T
P.S. English Garden posted this list on another thread...I have read them all and wholeheartedly agree with the choices:'
So, you can order several books and educate yourself:
"Under the Influence"
"Getting them Sober"
"The Addictive Personality"
All available online.
You can also order Al-Anon materials online:
"How Al-Anon Works" (a book which includes excellent description of the family dynamics)
"A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic" (pamphlet)
"Alcoholism: The Merry-Go-Round of Denial" (pamphlet, my favorite)
Wishing you some peace and quiet today, and fun with your kids.
~T
P.S. English Garden posted this list on another thread...I have read them all and wholeheartedly agree with the choices:'
So, you can order several books and educate yourself:
"Under the Influence"
"Getting them Sober"
"The Addictive Personality"
All available online.
You can also order Al-Anon materials online:
"How Al-Anon Works" (a book which includes excellent description of the family dynamics)
"A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic" (pamphlet)
"Alcoholism: The Merry-Go-Round of Denial" (pamphlet, my favorite)
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Ugh, oh how I remember this.
The lies, the blame shifting, how he was a special unique snowflake that no one could help because he needed the booze to survive. How I was too stupid to "Get it", how hateful I was...
..and then the tide turned, and he was the most knowledgeable "recovering" alcoholic on the planet, he had all the answers for everyone else. He was Mr. Benevolent and wise. All the while never working a program and spewing hate at me and my child (and his family).
In the end, rehab was merely a tool he could use to bludgeon me with.
I sure hope your story ends happier than mine did.
The lies, the blame shifting, how he was a special unique snowflake that no one could help because he needed the booze to survive. How I was too stupid to "Get it", how hateful I was...
..and then the tide turned, and he was the most knowledgeable "recovering" alcoholic on the planet, he had all the answers for everyone else. He was Mr. Benevolent and wise. All the while never working a program and spewing hate at me and my child (and his family).
In the end, rehab was merely a tool he could use to bludgeon me with.
I sure hope your story ends happier than mine did.
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