NWHusband

Day 9 was in interesting day that really has me struggling again, I have a feeling I have just moved into another level of awareness.

After having a very good conversation with my wife Friday night, in which for the first time she started to acknowledge having a problem and agreed to stay at the facility, I agreed to bring the kids down today for family day.

Against the advice of some more experienced people I thought it was the right thing to do, as she was sounding a lot more clear headed and it was nice to hear say she had made peace with the fact she needs to stay, and that she acknowledged she had a problem. Sounds obvious but it was the first time I have ever heard it from her and it meant a lot.

I struggled mightily with this decision, I was half expecting it to be a some sort of conscious/unconscious trick to get me there so she could plead her case to leave. I think a couple of the previous experiences have made me very cynical, so I really had to struggle with myself to trust what she was saying. In the ned I decided if she was sincere I had to put aside my feelings to give her a chance, if it was manipulation I would walk out. We'll never know if I would have walked the talk, I believe I would have been able to, but after spending the day together her attitude seemed genuine.

She was very scared and fragile, but the militant attitude was gone, and she was talking intelligently and what seemed truthfully, and the emotion between her the children was very powerful.

We had a very pleasant day together and the kids really enjoyed themselves. The facility has beautiful grounds with hiking trails and a stream, and some areas for the kids to play so there was lots to do. We avoided the main areas primarily because of the chain smoking and swearing, but with what these people were facing I don't begrudge them struggling with a few social skills. I just didn't want the kids exposed to it. It wasn't until we were saying good bye that we ran into trouble when my wife had a panic attack upon finding out that her close friend knew she was in rehab. She is very fragile at this point and I tried to be very careful about what we talked about in the outside world, but she asked me point blank if her friend was aware, and I told her the truth.

In reality it is silly as her friend knows a lot, she was involved with the incident that led to me asking my wife to leave our home several months ago. She came over to the house at 10:00 AM to find the kids watching TV in the living room with my wife passed out on the floor with a knot on her head, she got it when she collapsed. The friend put her to bed and took care of the kids until I could get home, and that was the straw that broke the camels back. She babysits our kids, which I have been needing a lot of lately, and she also helped me search the house for the hidden bottles, so her knowing was obvious, but my wife is obviously still struggling with reality and it affected her horribly.

I think hurting her that bad would have nearly killed me before I started trying to get comfortable with my role in this new life. It still hurt a lot, but I understand this is going to be one of many incidents along the road to sobriety, and they are just part of the commitment I have to make. I feel bad for her, but I no longer feel responsible or guilty, I am simply the bearer of the news.

The facility was a real eye opener for me. It was typical as far as I understand, but a little difficult to grasp for a first time visitor. I was absolutely horrified to see how many young people, they were ages 21-25 but they just looked like scared children. Predominantly they were in there for prescription drug and narcotic use. Areas where the young people congregated looked like a summer camp, except everybody was smoking and struggling.

I met and talked to about a dozen patients, and was shocked how many were fathers and mothers, formerly productive members of society with loving spouses and beautiful children. Intelligent articulate people, innocent looking kids, kindly grandparents, but all just coming to throws with desperate addictions to drugs and alcohol. I heard some of the horror stories of what brought them there after I met them, it was nearly impossible to connect the story with the recovering user who had a warm hello and a friendly smile for my shy son.

I pulled out of the parking lot with two very strong impressions, if I was ever guilty of stereotyping who a drunk or an addict is, I was a fool. It can be anybody in any stage of their life. Also I got a taste of how bad high school and college drug and alcohol problem really is, seeing so many loving parents visiting there children in rehab is enough to make a father physically ill, this problem is way worse than I ever understood.

After seeing what I have over the last two months, specifically as my wife neared her breakdown, I have been terrified to even hold a drink in my hand, and today that has gotten amplified. Don't get me wrong I am no preacher, with all of the partying I have done in college and before I had kids, I am lucky I wasn't the one that ended up in one of these facilities, but I never truly got how bad this disease is until today. This is going to make me change the way I raise my kids, this can never happen to them while I live.

As for my wife and her journey, unfortunately I am very confused and again need help. The first dose of reality that I had to ingest was that almost all of the people in her group were there for their second or third time, some as many as five. Almost to a person rehab seemed periodic for them. This realization rocked me, many people have written me on the site talking about spouses relapsing and going back into rehab, but I didn't quite understand that this was the norm. I have to deal with the reality that if my wife gets sober, taking her back into my life will most likely mean going through this several more times, possibly periodically for the rest of my life or until I throw int he towel.

The month of pain while they are in treatment I think I can deal with, but the events leading up to her intervention tore apart every fiber of my being, and brought me to the point where I honestly believed I could not take any more pain, so this is a tough reality for me to accept.

I get now I have to make a decision as to whether this is something I can do several times and maintain my sanity, but is it wrong to just throw in the towel now and avoid the pain for myself and my children, and the risks to their health and safety. Can you build enough walls and boundaries to truly ever feel comfortable with an alcoholic being responsible for your children?

No matter what she has done in the past, is it humanly possible to just give up and run before I even give her a chance, solely because the likelihood of her relapsing and the kids being pulled back into the whirlwind. Every damn time I think I am making a little sense of my life something else rocks me.

Sound familiar?

The other concern I have, probably directly related to the realities of relapse, is where is she really at in the process.

She admits she is an alcoholic, and she needs to be in rehab. She says for the last couple of days she has been participating in her groups sessions and trying to share and be honest, starting when she accepted her reality. These seem like good signs to me, but over and over through the day she kept with the theme that she was not nearly as bad off as the other people there. To be fair their stories are much worse, car accidents, divorces, CPS removing their children, and all forms of horror that got them to rock bottom. What my wife can't grasp is that the only reason that her stories aren't as bad or worse is my stupid enabling, and her bold face luck.

With me cleaning up her messes, taking care of her in the rough times, and financially enabling her, she never had any external repercussions from her addiction. If it wasn't me it was her mother taking her in and taking care of her. If I had hit my bottom sooner, or her mother hadn't been there to hold her together each time I threw her out, her stories would have been identical to everyone else in the place.

I am really scared right now that she has only half come out of denial, does this make any sense? Is it part of the process to slowly realize the truth, and she is making progress down the right road? Is she just trying to convince me it isn't that bad and don't give up on her, but she really understands how bad it is, or is she going through this experience only half admitting things to herself. Is she going to get out in three weeks and think she is doing this just to make me happy, but deep inside she doesn't believe she has a problem? Is it possible to fool the councilors and the people in her group? is it a normal part of the process to slowly admit the reality, and she is actually doing well? Am I being obsessive and impatient and need to give my head a shake? When there is this much on the line, is it possible not to obsess?

And there you have it, I have now been dragged back into the quacking and knowing it isn't helping.

Sorry guys I am lost in a wave of confusion and feeling sick again. The scary answer may be that this feeling never goes away because there are no answers, and that is the reality I need to accept if I sign up for this journey.

Learn2Live

You are in a tough situation, NWHusband, and I thank you for sharing your story. There are many people with young children who come here in the same predicament, "Do I continue to live with this for the sake of the children?" In the end, I think it is a pretty personal decision; you have to honor yourself and your own values. My mother has been married to my alcoholic father for 50+ years. She stayed through some pretty horrific times, for the sake of her children. She stays now because she feels she has an obligation to do so. She has never really had a husband and it is sad to watch her grow old, alone, and it is sad to have a father who maintains no contact, has no relationship at all, with most of his children and grandchildren, and minimal contact with those children who will still speak to him.

These are some heavy questions. There is no way to predict what is going to happen. But as I always say, the best predictor of future behavior, IMO, is past behavior.

You are focusing on the alcoholic and her recovery. Have you worked on your own self yet? Have you started going to Al-Anon? If not, why not? If you can spend a day at a rehab focusing on the alcoholic and what she needs, why can you not spend an hour at Al-Anon to focus on you? Yes, it's possible not to obsess and I really think you need to shift your focus onto you. When you yourself recognize the need for your own Recovery, when you begin working on yourself, the answers to your questions begin to reveal themselves.

How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico

Regarding the revolving door to rehab: An alcoholic does NOT need to go to rehab to get and stay sober. What they need is only the desire.

NWHusband

Thanks for the words Learn2Live, I have joined Al-anon, sort of. I made the decision on Thursday of last week to start attending and found a group, but they meet weekly on Wednesday so I have not attended my first meeting yet.

I am feeling a lot better today, one of the things I wasn't respecting through this process was the affect of sleep deprivation, I have not been sleeping well for the last couple of weeks, sometimes not at all. It was impacting me and my moods much more than I understood. This weekend culminated with a bit of a marathon as I was up Friday and Saturday night.

I have been resisting taking any form of sleeping aid, and the exhaustion was feeding the anxiety which was causing the sleep deprivation. One of the difficult issues with my wife's state was this dependance upon sleeping pills, she had a lot of over the counter and prescription pills, and I have been a little militant about not using them. I realized I am not her and my mental state is more important, so I took one last evening after I put the kids to bed at 7:30.

Be it the exhaustion or the sleeping aid I slept amazingly well, I woke up to find the sitter in the house and the kids up having breakfast at 7:30 this morning. I think she new I needed some sleep as I usually get up at 5:00 AM, but the affect of 12 hours of solid sleep is amazing I feel a lot better this morning than I did yesterday.

Day 10 was tough, it poured rain so we were stuck in the house and right now that is not a good thing. I started out pretty low, probably apparent from my post of the evening before, but I hit a high point about mid-day when I spoke with my RA cousin, (I am taking a shot at this acronym thing, is that right for recovering alcoholic with 10 years of sobriety). We had a long talk about changing roles and attitudes as my wife starts to process her denial, and what my experiences were like visiting the rehab center on the wekend. My cousin really helped me to understand some of what I experienced by sharing with me what she felt like for the first few days after she broke and started to fight her denial and participate in treatment. She pounded me on the message to take things one day at a time, and focus on myself and the children instead of obsessing about the future which is currently out of my control.

Anyway a couple of hours later I had a nasty call from my wife, more quacking about her friend finding out she was in rehab, and craziness about me not talking to her mother anymore. Poor woman is trying to make sense of all of this as well, (I mean my mother and law and not my wife). I knew I needed to stay above it, and I feel I did a good job of it on the phone, but I let it affect me and I spent the rest of the day depressed.

I have learnt enough in the last week to realize that letting this affect me this much is detrimental, and I need to not let her have this power over me. I made the decision to tell my wife that all of her obsessing/meddling with the world outside of rehab was not helping her treatment, and I resolved to tell her to focus on her recovery and to not phone us for the rest of the week. I felt this would buy me some space to think and focus on myself and the kids, and would help her as well. She never called in the evening so the speech is currently undelivered.

Anyway feeling much better this morning, the restorative power of sleep is something to be respected. I am going to be seeing my therapist and attending my first Al-anon meeting this week, and when my wife next calls I am going to be having the discussion with her.

I feel better for making this resolution to move forward and focus on me and the kids, now I need to focus on doing it!

m1k3

NWHusband, This:

still makes her the center of your thinking.

My AW's last time in rehab I simply refused to answer her calls. She figured out all on her own that I was no longer playing the role of enabler. I focused on myself. I only talked once to her when I needed to get something she had taken with her to rehab and then picked it up.

Your friend,

Cyranoak

...you will stop making excuses and you will make attending your first Alanon meeting a priority. Try at least six meetings, some different, before deciding if it is for you. Even if it turns out it isn't you will have made a huge stride towards improving your life and that of your children.

Your wife, and you are probably picking this up from the other posts, is fully responsible for her own recovery (or lack thereof). Not you. Not your children. Her.

Cyranoak

Pelican

H.A.L.T. is a self recognition technique that can help anyone.

I tend to react instead of respond to life if I am:

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

You recognized your need for sleep and took action, good on you!

Keep on keeping on!

Cyranoak

Bellingham has meetings Monday through Saturday, and when you include Sedro-Wooley, Ferndale and Mt. Vernon it get's even better.

Yeah, I used to live in Bellingham. I love that place.

C-

Learn2Live

Sleep is so very important for us humans and I think many, many (too many) Americans do not understand how important it is. A couple of years ago I made significant changes to my daily habits so that I can get a full 8 hours each and every night. I hope you are able to maintain good nights sleep from here on out.

AXBF complains about his lack of sleep every single day. I tried to teach him how to make changes to his daily life to help him in this regard but he could not stick with any of it and seemed to just want to complain about it. So, he also has bottle after bottle of sleep aids, both prescription and over the counter. Imagine a physician prescribing 30+ valium for a man with a 30+ year alcohol and drug abuse history! Living with AXBF ruined my daily sleep habits that I had incorporated into my life, and I began having to take sleep aids too. Me, a person who would not even take an aspirin for a headache! My life has been so affected by alcoholism and addiction and the chaos that results from it; no wonder I'm a mess.

Yes, you got the RA for Recovering Alcoholic acronym right

NWHusband

Damn it your right, I'm doing it again.

I picked the Wednesday meeting as it fit into my schedule without any pain, but this is a lot more important than having to adjust my lunch time, and by waiting for Wednesday I am not respecting how important this is to me or my children.

Looks like I missed todays morning meeting, and I have the kids tonight but I can shut my phone off this evening and head to Blain for the Tuesday afternoon meeting.

As always, thanks!

Jazzman

Actually there is a manual, Pelican gave you the link.
Have another look at it when your brain has slowed down a bit. I followed the steps outlined as though my sanity depended on it, and just like reading the manual, it did the trick. (Engineer too)

When my ex was in rehab there was very little communication and the house was quiet and peaceful and for the first time in two years I could really relax. Sounds like you're doing something wrong?

NWHusband

There is something wrong

Similar to your experience, both times I asked my wife to leave there was a powerful feeling of calm and restfulness. Some of the best weeks I experienced in years, and both times I was unhappy to see it come to an end. At those times I was looking at her issues, and understanding they were hers so I didn't drag myself into them. I carried a lot of anger at first but felt better as it seeped out, then felt content for the peace and sanity.

I believe what changed this time was my attitude toward her behavior. Before I was ignorantly in denial about what alcoholism is, so I was angry at her for her choices and the things she did, I blamed her for what she was doing which was probably better than the way I have been handling it this time. I was so grateful for her going to rehab this time I think I have overcompensated.

Her going to rehab and my subsequent fevered research into this condition have changed my perspective, and apparently not for the better. Like most people I was aware of addiction and probably familiar enough with the terminology to think I understood it.

Learning more about it I realized it was a disease, and suddenly felt she could not help it as she was genetically forced into this through no fault of her own. I unwittingly felt I could fix this for her by forcing her down the path, so I managed to make it my problem. When my anger at her behavior evaporated and pity slid in to take its place, the result was my happiness became dependent on her state. This is an impossible situation as it puts me back on her roller coaster with no control, every time she calls and she is upset I am more upset, and she is in a dark place so waiting on the happy call to cheer up is impossible.

Though I am guilty of missing and misunderstanding many of the 10 ways you and Pelican sent me, (i just re-read them a couple of times, thanks), I think failing on way number 8, (Avoid the reactions of pity and anger), are the most significant for me personally.

The constant communication with my wife is the most difficult and yet it is my fault not hers. I complain about the constant calls, yet I still answer them, which obviously isn't working.

It was a hard step to decide not to talk to her for the wrong reasons, (anxiety over what it would do to her), but slowly the little lightbulbs are coming on for me and I hope they continue. I am really looking forward to my quiet evening

LuvMySis

I hope you have a nice, quiet evening, NWHusband, and that you're able to get a good night's rest.

One of your earlier posts reminded me of how we jump through hoops to cover for our alcoholics - rather, how we USED TO jump through hoops. Completely unaware of what's really going on and what we should be doing. One time when my sister was in rehab, she convinced me to call the local newspaper to protest her treatment in the hospital. I'm pretty sure her major complaint was that she wasn't allowed to drink. When I think about that call now, I'm so relieved the newspaper never followed up on my call. I'm mortified by some of the things I've done to enable the alcoholics in my life. Some of them are as bad as what the A's themselves have done. Just thought I'd share.

Hypatia

Perhaps it might be helpful to think about why medical professionals are strongly discouraged from treating their own family members and loved ones. Keeping that emotional distance and objectivity required to make the best medical decisions isn't easy.

And now take it a step further and consider that when a doctor gets ill, he goes to another doctor for diagnosis and treatment even if he's fairly certain what the problem might be and how to fix it. When doctors start treating themselves or their loved ones, they usually end up with an even bigger problem.

I am not a doctor. And yet I find myself constantly fighting these tendencies. I want to fix my husband and then fix myself, all by myself.

Letting go and acknowledging that others are in a much better position to deal with my husband's problem seems to hurt my ego. After all, I know what the problem is: drinking. And I know what the solution is: stop drinking. It sounds so simple, doesn't it?

So why do I seem unable to communicate this simple concept to my husband? Obviously I must be doing something wrong. So I change tactics. Use logic. Use Emotion. Argue using both logic and emotion. Yell, scream, give the silent treatment. Stamp my foot. Ignore. Throw a temper tantrum. But nothing works, precisely because I am too close. I am not seen as an authority figure by my husband, and I shouldn't be. I am his wife, not his therapist or doctor or mother or teacher or boss.

So I have to step back and allow others to do what I cannot. Meanwhile, I also have to re-learn what it means to be a wife again, a partner. If the balance of equals within the relationship cannot eventually be restored then it will fail. And if there never was such a balance of equality, then the relationship needs to be completely redefined and essentially begun anew. That is why so many relationships fall apart after therapy even with the best of intentions on both sides.

But some do succeed. We often don't hear about them because they have no need to ask for advice on how to deal with their happiness. It would be very unusual for people to complain and be sad or go into a rage because their lives are great and they have a wonderful marriage.

There are no guarantees, and the best of professionals can make no promises of a better marriage after rehab. There are limits to what can be done. More importantly, we have to learn and define our own personal limits. Each of us must decide for ourselves how far we are willing to go, how much are we willing to put up with, and what are the limits of our own health and sanity.

One of the toughest of decisions is when to say that enough is enough, my limit has been reached, and to walk away. It can be a short stroll to gain some distance and perspective with the intention of returning, or the beginning of a brand new independent journey. Either way, it begins with a step away from our partner.

NWHusband

I agree with Anvilhead, I struggled from the start with this idea of their phone access, when they were supposed to be focusing on themselves. They limit the calls to 5 minutes, but they can make as many calls as they want, so you just get it in repeated 5 minute doses. I'll leave it to the professionals to make policies, but seemed strange to me.

Well it was very peaceful on the western front, there is a lesson in the value of shutting off the phone that extends beyond dealign with AW's Not a great night for sleep, upset daughter who lost her stuffed animal, it was up pretty late before I tried looking in the underwear drawer, and son woke up just before the crack of dawn for a potty related emergency

A nice tired though, it feels good to be worn out from taking on challenges one has a chance against

Tried my first Alanon meeting today. Called to confirm the start time with the place hosting it and was given the wrong time, should have stuck with the website. Walked into the meeting 10 minutes before it ended, and completely disrupted the group, (there were only three people so it was hard to hide in the back). They apologized but they had just wrapped up.

There was a 30-40 year age gap between the three members and myself, so I felt a little bit like an intruder, but they were really nice and asked me to come back. I think I will try M1k3's advice and try a few different groups to see which one suits me best :-)

Tuffgirl

Took me a handful of meetings to find the right fit...and then after a while I found the fit wasn't so great anymore (same reason, much older folks then me) so I found another group after that.

Glad to hear things are taking on a sense of calm. It's hard enough to be a single parent without having this drama hanging over you.

Take care,
~T

chronsweet

Personally, I think an Alcoholic has to want to be sober. That is why many of them fail at the rehab process, because THEY don't want to be sober, but their loved ones do. I split with my XA just five days ago and I have a 2 year old son, so I feel your pain.

My boss said to me, that children mimic their parents, often the same sex parent. I can't allow my son to mimic his father. I have to protect his environment. I have to let him know that it is NOT okay to drown his life in booze. Period. I think there comes a time when we as parents know that it is time. It is time to protect the children because they cannot protect themselves. You will know when it is your time.

Keep coming back and posting. It took me FIVE long years to get away from this guy and I was almost sucked into the pit with him before I became pregnant. Addiction is crazy-making and we, as humans, don't deserve to live like that. I feel sorry for my XA. He lost his son, me, his home and his job all in a 3 day period. You know what I found upon returning to the house, him sitting in the same damn chair drinking beer out of 'his glass' and an empty pint in the fridge. Crazy that a person can lose everything, and still sit there and do the ONE THING that tore everything apart.

Take care, keep reading and posting. Make decisions on your own time schedule, nothing has to be decided over night. It took me 18 months of reading and finally posting before my breaking point found me.

NWHusband

Very pleasant day today, saw my therapist in the morning which brings it all up, but seems to help me file it in the right places

Went to my first Al-anon meeting as well. I would guess about 15 people attended, which seemed like a good balance between being able to connect with the group but not being the center of it. Really had a powerful experience in that first meeting, so many little light bulbs went on as I listend to the 4 or 5 people that tell my story, or pretty close to it.

I really understood for the first time that this is about exploring myself and starting a journey to make myself a better person, not developing tools to cope with my wife. I like that idea a lot, gives me a little control back.

I made an appointment with a divorce attorney today as well, no decision made and I am definitely not in a place to make a decision yet, but I am understanding that a lot of the situation I got myself into was related to my ignorant fear of divorce, bankruptcy, loosing my children, and other fears I used to justify my enabling. With no practical knowledge of what a divorce looks like, or what the potential realities of it are, I think I owe it to myself to become educated.

It is a very real possibility that this is my future, maybe it is a big scary monster like I have been thinking, maybe it is a cake walk compared to what I have been through in my last two years, but I look forward to ridding myself of the confusion.

NWHusband

It has been a few days since I posted, which I think is a good sign as I needed validation a couple of times a day during the first week to maintain my sanity, I guess that means I am a little less restless.

Wednesday and Thursday were very serene days for me after I went to my first Alanon meeting, I started to really relax and accept my new realities. It is nice to be less furtive and to be able to process the nasty as well as the nice, but do so from an emotionally level point of view. Not saying I think I am better, but I do feel my periods of sanity are getting longer, my periods of roller coaster thinking are getting shorter, and I have learned I have to respect the progress I make instead of being upset it comes so slowly

Friday and Saturday were very difficult days again, but trying to look at them from a balanced perspective, and accepting that it is Ok that there were a lot of tough days ahead. My mother in law came to stay with me on Friday night so I could take her down to visit with her daughter on Saturday's family day.

My mother in law is just great, she has been through a lot of the same pain as I have been, she had a terrible marriage to an alcoholic husband for 7 years, (father of her children), then she jumped into another 4 year relationship with an addict. After her kids grew older she had to deal with getting her older son through rehab for narcotics after he was pretty much living on the streets, and now she is trying to come to grips with having an alcoholic daughter.

You can imagine this is one tough lady, but she is so kind an sweet and caring when she can be. It is so unfortunate she has never reached out for help, or tried to process any of the pain or get educated about addiction. She blames herself for all of it, and it is killing her that the one child she didn't "Screw up with", is an alcoholic.

We talked for hours on Friday about this, I had to try and reassure her this wasn't her fault, and at least give her some fundamental understanding of what addiction is and what causes it. She still believes because she didn't drink when she was pregnant that her daughter could not be an alcoholic, she really has no idea whatsoever about the condition. I know she felt a million times better as I pounded the message home to her that this is not her fault.

Since I am so early in my journey of recovery and understanding, and we are so emotionally entwined with dealing with her wife/daughter, I really don't think I have the skills to help her. I could make things worse by overstepping my knowledge, but I had to do something before the poor woman has a stroke. I focused on the two areas I felt I could talk to her about, stopping her enabling and stopping her from blaming herself. She is still responding to my wifes emails by pretending to be my wife, so that her friends do not find out she is in rehab, and it is killing her and preventing my wife from suffering her consequences.

Saturday we went to family day with the kids, and the kids and I did very well, it was a pleasant day, and my wife is looking and sounding much better. This isn't to say I feel she is doing well, but compared to the first visit there was a lot less quacking about how she didn't need to be there. The visit was hard for both my wife and her mother, as her mother just couldn't understand how to process this yet, so she spent the day vacillating between anger and pity, and made them both a little miserable while she was trying to help.

I think she made progress on her pain, and I gave her some reading homework I printed off from the site, (she doesn't like computers), and I made a little progress with getting her to think about going to an alanon meeting by sharing my experience, but I am too confused as to the best way to help her to push it any further.

She left on Sunday and I was sad to see her go, but it was nice to have my peace back.

Today I also had my get-educated meeting with my divorce attorney, and it went about as one coud expect, though I left happy as it reminded me that I can make the decision to end this and survive. As I thought going in, if I decide to take this step it will be expensive, painful, and humiliating, but I did get validation that as bad as it will be there is no chance it is half as bad as staying married to my wife if she continues to drink. This is all I really hoped for.

I hope at some point I can stop living one day at a time, I am kind of anxious to try daydreaming about a positive future, but today the future is still a little too confused. Not as scary as it was 2 weeks ago, so I know I made some progress in week two

ghost99

As someone whose AW has been through rehab multiple times (and also with children at home), I can relate to the rollercoaster ride of rehab.

If it helps at all, from my experience, I would have zero expectations about her recovery when she comes home. I know this sounds cynical but it might help you not be so disappointed when they relapse.

Also, as many have pointed out, you are so focused on her recovery, but remember you need recovery as much as she does. It took me about 10 years to realize this myself.

Shadydeal

First I would like to say that I am very sorry that you and your children are going thru all of the pain. I almost didn't comment because it appears that people have given you a lot of comments that should help. They also appear to have a lot of knowledge. I don't have a whole lot but what I do have I would consider living hell! I can only offer a few things but maybe you will find them useful. I put my XABF thru a rehab program. My only relationship w/an A and hopefully the last...Anyway, I wish I had learned all I could before/after doing so because I truly thought that everyone should be supportive and when he gets out....everything will be fixed! Far from the truth. I realize that everyone is different, some will do well and some will do nothing. I wish I had done so many things differently! I think he went in there for the right reasons but it didn't last long. He was only sober for 30 after he got out! I was such an Enabler. I was so excited about this new chance and life! I made it easy! I think everyone would have benefited had I spent the time working on myself and letting him struggle thru the mess. I was so supportive, letters everyday, packs of cig....he had it easy. Helped him back on his feet when he got out...I wish I had let him struggle to repair the damage. I truly thought this was the fix. First time in a rehab! Read all you can because your behavior and reaction could have a larage effect on her sucess/failure! I hope it all works out but in truth it takes most several times to get it if then! Then it takes them a long time to come out of the fog they have been living in after the stop drinking! One of the best books I read was Getting them Sober! Kinda misleading because it is more for you than her! I wish you well and I enjoy reading your post!