Is there any reason to stay?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 95
Is there any reason to stay?
I'm going to briefly recap my situation. I moved out of the house I shared with my AW about a week ago. We have been married for 1 year and together for 2.5 years.
She told me a few weeks ago she was inlove with another man, but she was still in love with me. She was a student, but she dropped and failed to many classes because of the drinking. Despite that she got a good job that she likes in her field of study. Yet because of the drinking has almost lost that. She hardly works, when she could work 40 hours a week.
I have tried to get her anything she wants, so I am sure that if we stay together or divorce, there is a 50% chance I will go bankrupt.
She moved the other man into our house as soon, if not before I moved out, I work out of town a few times a month.
She told me last week she thought she was pregnant and it might not be mine, then she told me she had a test from the Dr and it said she was. Today she said it is making her too sick and she is going to abort it, she told me a few days ago she was going to abort it because she didn't know if we were going to get back together. I'm a Christian, and pro life, she is pro choice, I guess I should have known there we are not a match.
She has a 5 year old daughter, who i hate to leave with her, but I have no rights there.
I think the choice is easy. But it isn't, I want to fight for our marriage, but I also think at 34 years old, I would rather live alone the rest of my life then put up with this.
If anyone has any strong words for me I would love to hear tethem. Is there any way I could stay and not go insane? I already feel I have gone crazy. I just keep putting off the appointment for therapy.
She told me a few weeks ago she was inlove with another man, but she was still in love with me. She was a student, but she dropped and failed to many classes because of the drinking. Despite that she got a good job that she likes in her field of study. Yet because of the drinking has almost lost that. She hardly works, when she could work 40 hours a week.
I have tried to get her anything she wants, so I am sure that if we stay together or divorce, there is a 50% chance I will go bankrupt.
She moved the other man into our house as soon, if not before I moved out, I work out of town a few times a month.
She told me last week she thought she was pregnant and it might not be mine, then she told me she had a test from the Dr and it said she was. Today she said it is making her too sick and she is going to abort it, she told me a few days ago she was going to abort it because she didn't know if we were going to get back together. I'm a Christian, and pro life, she is pro choice, I guess I should have known there we are not a match.
She has a 5 year old daughter, who i hate to leave with her, but I have no rights there.
I think the choice is easy. But it isn't, I want to fight for our marriage, but I also think at 34 years old, I would rather live alone the rest of my life then put up with this.
If anyone has any strong words for me I would love to hear tethem. Is there any way I could stay and not go insane? I already feel I have gone crazy. I just keep putting off the appointment for therapy.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Android,
I'm so sorry that you are in such pain. I'm a Christian, too, and I hear you on all counts. In my world (Catholic), she has broken all of her wedding vows and it would not be considered a valid marriage (i.e. easily eligible for annulment).
On a personal level, she just doesn't seem capable of being a mature partner. She has disrespected you and your home. Her words do not match her actions at all, and with addiction and recovery, that is the key. IMHO, if you return to her, it will be more of the same.
You deserve much better treatment, you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who shares your values and thinks and feels about marriage in the same way that you do. I hope today will be just a bit better for you!
Agape, HG
I'm so sorry that you are in such pain. I'm a Christian, too, and I hear you on all counts. In my world (Catholic), she has broken all of her wedding vows and it would not be considered a valid marriage (i.e. easily eligible for annulment).
On a personal level, she just doesn't seem capable of being a mature partner. She has disrespected you and your home. Her words do not match her actions at all, and with addiction and recovery, that is the key. IMHO, if you return to her, it will be more of the same.
You deserve much better treatment, you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who shares your values and thinks and feels about marriage in the same way that you do. I hope today will be just a bit better for you!
Agape, HG
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
I think the choice is easy. But it isn't, I want to fight for our marriage, but I also think at 34 years old, I would rather live alone the rest of my life then put up with this.
Then perhaps make another list of reasons to leave. Again, pay attention to whether the item is directed at this relationship, or is a general comment about relationships.
For example, one of the reasons to stay might be a general idea of commitment to marriage. For this exercise, strike out that reason since you would theoretically feel that way about any spouse.
Take the time to think things through. There is no rush at this point for you to take any final action. Realise, however, that the decision may have already been made for you. Both partners have to be committed to a marriage to make it work. Consider how her actions have shown her commitment to you and your marriage.
You say that you feel like you want to fight for your marriage. In my experience, such a fight may be self-defeating. I learned back in high school that if I could get a guy away from another girl, then somewhere there was another gal who could get him away from me. I hated that constant feeling of uncertainty while waiting for the next fight to keep him.
I decided that I would rather be the one being chased, rather than chasing after another. It was a lot less exhausting.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I did better when faced with a problem drinker and an affair when I realized that I did not have to decide today.
It was my first true example of realizing that time will show me more. It did, and my decision was made for me.
It was important for me to get more support during that time. Counseling, Al-Anon, etc.
It was my first true example of realizing that time will show me more. It did, and my decision was made for me.
It was important for me to get more support during that time. Counseling, Al-Anon, etc.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by android1 
I'm going to briefly recap my situation. I moved out of the house I shared with my AW about a week ago. We have been married for 1 year and together for 2.5 years.
She told me a few weeks ago she was inlove with another man, but she was still in love with me. She was a student, but she dropped and failed to many classes because of the drinking. Despite that she got a good job that she likes in her field of study. Yet because of the drinking has almost lost that. She hardly works, when she could work 40 hours a week.
I have tried to get her anything she wants, so I am sure that if we stay together or divorce, there is a 50% chance I will go bankrupt.
She moved the other man into our house as soon, if not before I moved out, I work out of town a few times a month.
She told me last week she thought she was pregnant and it might not be mine, then she told me she had a test from the Dr and it said she was. Today she said it is making her too sick and she is going to abort it, she told me a few days ago she was going to abort it because she didn't know if we were going to get back together. I'm a Christian, and pro life, she is pro choice, I guess I should have known there we are not a match.
She has a 5 year old daughter, who i hate to leave with her, but I have no rights there.
I think the choice is easy. But it isn't, I want to fight for our marriage, but I also think at 34 years old, I would rather live alone the rest of my life then put up with this.
If anyone has any strong words for me I would love to hear tethem. Is there any way I could stay and not go insane? I already feel I have gone crazy. I just keep putting off the appointment for therapy.
She told me a few weeks ago she was inlove with another man, but she was still in love with me. She was a student, but she dropped and failed to many classes because of the drinking. Despite that she got a good job that she likes in her field of study. Yet because of the drinking has almost lost that. She hardly works, when she could work 40 hours a week.
I have tried to get her anything she wants, so I am sure that if we stay together or divorce, there is a 50% chance I will go bankrupt.
She moved the other man into our house as soon, if not before I moved out, I work out of town a few times a month.
She told me last week she thought she was pregnant and it might not be mine, then she told me she had a test from the Dr and it said she was. Today she said it is making her too sick and she is going to abort it, she told me a few days ago she was going to abort it because she didn't know if we were going to get back together. I'm a Christian, and pro life, she is pro choice, I guess I should have known there we are not a match.
She has a 5 year old daughter, who i hate to leave with her, but I have no rights there.
I think the choice is easy. But it isn't, I want to fight for our marriage, but I also think at 34 years old, I would rather live alone the rest of my life then put up with this.
If anyone has any strong words for me I would love to hear tethem. Is there any way I could stay and not go insane? I already feel I have gone crazy. I just keep putting off the appointment for therapy.
I am going through almost the same thing with a cheating alcoholic spouse, right down to the other person moving in before I moved out and a 1 year marriage. I know you love her and want to save her, but you have to get out for your own sanity and financial security. If the drinking weren't enough, the cheating should be the motivator to get your behind out of there. She's sick, and it's a sickness that only she can heal herself. You loving her isn't helping her. About the 5 year old, are there grandparents or a father somewhere that you could contact and get her out of the situation?
Just, for once, do for you. I feel literally 100% better. I am still sad, disappointed, angry, etc....but my most overwhelming emotion is relief. Relief that I don't have to take this burden on anymore. Do it.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
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She's still manipulating you with the "I'm going to have an abortion" thing because she knows she can get to you that way. Whether or not you get back together with her, you will have no say in whether she keeps that baby or not (if there is a baby -- you know, there have been occasions when women lie about these things to get what they want...)
Harsh words? Cut your losses, move on. Get a good lawyer.
Harsh words? Cut your losses, move on. Get a good lawyer.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 95
Thank you all for the advice. The only reason I have to stay is my commitment to the marriage and I still love her. But all of that is over ridden by what she has done to me. I don't think she is pregnant, I can't trust a word she says. She told me I was cold, but that is because I have become numb to her insults and her lies. I feel if I got hot I would get angry and loose control of my self. That is not to say I am not angry, but I'm keeping it pushed down inside.
I think she would take me back, I think she wants me back. But all the reasons I lefy, are still there. She doesn't even address them when we speak.
I think she would take me back, I think she wants me back. But all the reasons I lefy, are still there. She doesn't even address them when we speak.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Good heavens, why would you want to stay with someone like this? She is sick, and I don't mean morning sickness from another man's child. I mean sick as in train wreck...and I mean this in the kindest and gentlest of tough-love questions.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 95
Tuffgirl I don't think I want to. I think it is a silly since of pride, and thinking that I haven't done all I could do. I feel guilty for leaving her.
Goodness, if someone told me what I just wrote, I would tell them to run and don't look back.
In my head it is over, but my heart still needs some work. I do know that the day I got my own place, a
huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I felt like a new man. That feeling comes and goes. I need to just get away from her. I can't trust her and all she does is try to manipulate me and everyone, her posts on Facebook make her look helpless and like I walked out on her in her time of need and took everything.
When the reality is I left her everything, I only took the tv that I bought 7 years before we met. I left her everything for the house. I would rather be free of her than have my stuff. It is all replaceable, my sanity is not!
Goodness, if someone told me what I just wrote, I would tell them to run and don't look back.
In my head it is over, but my heart still needs some work. I do know that the day I got my own place, a
huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I felt like a new man. That feeling comes and goes. I need to just get away from her. I can't trust her and all she does is try to manipulate me and everyone, her posts on Facebook make her look helpless and like I walked out on her in her time of need and took everything.
When the reality is I left her everything, I only took the tv that I bought 7 years before we met. I left her everything for the house. I would rather be free of her than have my stuff. It is all replaceable, my sanity is not!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
The hardest question I had to ask myself throughout my journey is "why do I think this is the best I can do?"
My ex treated me like crap - he was controlling and manipulating and downright stalkerish about my life. He broke every promise he made to me, including in the end the promise of commitment to marriage. Why would I think this is the best I can do?
He blamed me for everything that went wrong, most of which I have no control over anyway.
He drove drunk with my kids in the car. He accused me of having affairs when I would be kind to other men. He hacked into my personal email account and extrapolated information, twisted it into the darkest of terms, and beat me with it, over and over again. Why would I think this is the best I can do?
So when he went on about wanting a divorce because I wouldn't live with him (he didn't even ask for us to get back together; just declared this to be "true") I said fine. Guilt? Nope. I gave that man 5 years of my life. He turned it into pure madness. He doesn't deserve me.
Guilt is something we feel when we have done something wrong. You haven't done anything wrong. Stop thinking its guilt you feel because chances are highly likely it is simply sadness over the loss of the dream you had when you married this woman.
I had that same dream. It sucks to let it go. But I deserve better than that. Don't you?
My ex treated me like crap - he was controlling and manipulating and downright stalkerish about my life. He broke every promise he made to me, including in the end the promise of commitment to marriage. Why would I think this is the best I can do?
He blamed me for everything that went wrong, most of which I have no control over anyway.
He drove drunk with my kids in the car. He accused me of having affairs when I would be kind to other men. He hacked into my personal email account and extrapolated information, twisted it into the darkest of terms, and beat me with it, over and over again. Why would I think this is the best I can do?
So when he went on about wanting a divorce because I wouldn't live with him (he didn't even ask for us to get back together; just declared this to be "true") I said fine. Guilt? Nope. I gave that man 5 years of my life. He turned it into pure madness. He doesn't deserve me.
Guilt is something we feel when we have done something wrong. You haven't done anything wrong. Stop thinking its guilt you feel because chances are highly likely it is simply sadness over the loss of the dream you had when you married this woman.
I had that same dream. It sucks to let it go. But I deserve better than that. Don't you?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Dear android, I hear that you are feeling very confused and in pain. You have spoken about wanting to keep your sanity--and I know you mean some "peace of mind".
Sounds like a top priority? Right? I mean, if you don't have peace of m ind and your basic "sanity", what do you really have. Commit to your first priority first.
commit you next 6 months to your first priority---yourself. Call that therapist now and do the work that has to be done. Get involved in a strong program of alanon--go to as many meetings as possible, right now. You will be guided out of the forest, if you do this.
This has saved so many others in your situation and it will do the same for you, if you will surrender and let it.
Keep posting. You are not alone in this.
dandylion
Sounds like a top priority? Right? I mean, if you don't have peace of m ind and your basic "sanity", what do you really have. Commit to your first priority first.
commit you next 6 months to your first priority---yourself. Call that therapist now and do the work that has to be done. Get involved in a strong program of alanon--go to as many meetings as possible, right now. You will be guided out of the forest, if you do this.
This has saved so many others in your situation and it will do the same for you, if you will surrender and let it.
Keep posting. You are not alone in this.
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 95
Thanks everyone. I have gone to 2 alanon meetings, but with my work schedule the only one that is never when I am working is Friday night, and I am trying to get out and do normal stuff too. I am going to call the therapist. I know that will help. I am lucky to have friends family, coworkers and all of you here too.
I did send her a message saying that I want a divorce. I would have liked to do it in person, but I'm afraid I would back down or say the wrong thing. Or she would just say F off. I'm hoping we can agree on it, but I am ready even if we can't agree.
I am my priority for the next year or more. She thinks lm already dating, because I had dinner and one drink with 2 coworkers. I'm not, they were just being supportive, both of them are in relationships. I think she is just projecting her infidelity on me. I know it will be a while before I am ready to be in a relationship. I have a lot of codie and ACOA stuff to deal with. And I would rather be alone then get in a relationship while I am as unhealthy as I am now.
I did send her a message saying that I want a divorce. I would have liked to do it in person, but I'm afraid I would back down or say the wrong thing. Or she would just say F off. I'm hoping we can agree on it, but I am ready even if we can't agree.
I am my priority for the next year or more. She thinks lm already dating, because I had dinner and one drink with 2 coworkers. I'm not, they were just being supportive, both of them are in relationships. I think she is just projecting her infidelity on me. I know it will be a while before I am ready to be in a relationship. I have a lot of codie and ACOA stuff to deal with. And I would rather be alone then get in a relationship while I am as unhealthy as I am now.
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Location: UK
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Android - I felt I had to post even thoug I don't post here.
I too have been told by my sig other than he 'loved me' but was 'in love with another woman'.
I don't think I will ever get over being told that, even though we are 'together' now. I had had a baby three months earlier and this was christmas eve - our babies first christmas.
We are not really 'together' now.
I cannot gloss over what he said. I tried to stick my head in the sane but it haunts me everyday.
I waited, as he asked, so that he could make his mind up between his comfy old love (me) and her - his exciting new love. I now view this as one of the most ridiculous situations i ever found myself in. He had done very wrong, yet here I was waiting for him to make his mind up when actually it should have been him on bended knee's pleading with me to stay with him. At the time I did not seem to think I could control this situation. It was all in his hands until he decided.
And it's cruel, heart break cruel to tell someone that and do that. How dare she bide her time whilst making up her mind who she loves best.
I took him back because i could not bear the gossip. That he had left me and only three months before we had had a baby.
She even commented on my daughters pictures on facebook saying congratulations. Saying all the time to him to leave me for her.
Your AW's 'alleged' pregnancy? I don't know what to believe. However I do think this is no way to celebrate a first baby (for you) by threatening to get rid of it.
A pregnancy and a baby and becoming a Dad should be one of the best experiences bar none. What right does she have to deny you becoming a dad? Or your parents becoming Grandparents? or your sister/brother an auntie or uncle? She has no right. You have a blank sheet. She does not.
Your young.
In time, when you are ready you WILL meet someone else.
Someone else who cannot wait to be a mummy. Someone who only wants to be in love with you.
Be brave. Go and invest time in you recovering. In fact run.
Having a baby is miraculous but also hard work. Having a baby with someone who is not sure if they love you the right way or even want the baby will be really hard. Trust me I have been there. And once a child is here, it makes everything a million times harder to walk away. It's not just about you anymore. It's nearly always just about the child. And once you share a child you can never be free from one another. You always have to know them to some degree for the sake of the child.
As for the sickness - it goes!
And drinkers usually put up with far worse than morning sickness.
And if it is severe or unpleasant (that's if the baby exists) then she needs medical help and she will find she is treated with care, concern and dignity because morning sickness is not self inflicted like hangovers are.
I really wish you all the best and I hope I have not offended you in anyway. Apologies if I have.
xxxx
I too have been told by my sig other than he 'loved me' but was 'in love with another woman'.
I don't think I will ever get over being told that, even though we are 'together' now. I had had a baby three months earlier and this was christmas eve - our babies first christmas.
We are not really 'together' now.
I cannot gloss over what he said. I tried to stick my head in the sane but it haunts me everyday.
I waited, as he asked, so that he could make his mind up between his comfy old love (me) and her - his exciting new love. I now view this as one of the most ridiculous situations i ever found myself in. He had done very wrong, yet here I was waiting for him to make his mind up when actually it should have been him on bended knee's pleading with me to stay with him. At the time I did not seem to think I could control this situation. It was all in his hands until he decided.
And it's cruel, heart break cruel to tell someone that and do that. How dare she bide her time whilst making up her mind who she loves best.
I took him back because i could not bear the gossip. That he had left me and only three months before we had had a baby.
She even commented on my daughters pictures on facebook saying congratulations. Saying all the time to him to leave me for her.
Your AW's 'alleged' pregnancy? I don't know what to believe. However I do think this is no way to celebrate a first baby (for you) by threatening to get rid of it.
A pregnancy and a baby and becoming a Dad should be one of the best experiences bar none. What right does she have to deny you becoming a dad? Or your parents becoming Grandparents? or your sister/brother an auntie or uncle? She has no right. You have a blank sheet. She does not.
Your young.
In time, when you are ready you WILL meet someone else.
Someone else who cannot wait to be a mummy. Someone who only wants to be in love with you.
Be brave. Go and invest time in you recovering. In fact run.
Having a baby is miraculous but also hard work. Having a baby with someone who is not sure if they love you the right way or even want the baby will be really hard. Trust me I have been there. And once a child is here, it makes everything a million times harder to walk away. It's not just about you anymore. It's nearly always just about the child. And once you share a child you can never be free from one another. You always have to know them to some degree for the sake of the child.
As for the sickness - it goes!
And drinkers usually put up with far worse than morning sickness.
And if it is severe or unpleasant (that's if the baby exists) then she needs medical help and she will find she is treated with care, concern and dignity because morning sickness is not self inflicted like hangovers are.
I really wish you all the best and I hope I have not offended you in anyway. Apologies if I have.
xxxx
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 95
Thank you sasha4. Your advice was great. I'm sorry to hear you are in the same situation. I should clarify that the new man is not new, she has known hom since he was a teen. He has been in jail for the last 4 year's. I even drove her go pick him up from prison. She was to hungover to drive. Boy does that se stupid now.
So the feelings are not new. I always thought they were friends, because that is what she told me. So I know I don't need to wait around, she has had years to get over him, and she hasn't.
I think and this is just my opinion, at least when I am thinking straight, is if they could consider being in love with another once, it will happen again. It wasn't just a one time misjudgment. They thought about it a lot, and for some reason decided if they told us it would be ok.
So the feelings are not new. I always thought they were friends, because that is what she told me. So I know I don't need to wait around, she has had years to get over him, and she hasn't.
I think and this is just my opinion, at least when I am thinking straight, is if they could consider being in love with another once, it will happen again. It wasn't just a one time misjudgment. They thought about it a lot, and for some reason decided if they told us it would be ok.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: OH
Posts: 57
Hi android. To answer your question, "Is there any way I can stay and not go insane?". Ummm no..
Sorry to say it but if you want all that drama and abuse in your life than go back. She's communicating to you on how she wants to live her life. Do you want to live like that?
Sorry to say it but if you want all that drama and abuse in your life than go back. She's communicating to you on how she wants to live her life. Do you want to live like that?
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Dont you think you deserve better than this?
Do you want to be her doormat, LIFE LINE...meaning she can call when ever she wants and you come a running?
when is enough ENOUGH?
therapy? yes, make that appointment and stick with them...
and for the baby? just another tactic to keep you close by, i assume..
get well, and yes, do go to a 12 step program...get well for you
Melody Beattie has a good book called CoDependent No More...check it out, its a good read..
Do you want to be her doormat, LIFE LINE...meaning she can call when ever she wants and you come a running?
when is enough ENOUGH?
therapy? yes, make that appointment and stick with them...
and for the baby? just another tactic to keep you close by, i assume..
get well, and yes, do go to a 12 step program...get well for you
Melody Beattie has a good book called CoDependent No More...check it out, its a good read..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 95
My sister is talking to her lawyer friend tomorrow, to see if I can do this on the cheap or if I need a lawyer. I am leaving, no turning back. I just have questioned if I have done all I can. The AW says I haven't, but I know I have.
She told me yesterday she was 3 months pregnant, which would make the baby mine, as her new boyfriend didn't get out of jail until the beginning of July. I couldn't remember when she decided she wanted to have a baby, so I looked at our insurance claims and found the date if the removal, June 19th.
Also of all the stupid things to do, she posted she needed help moving furniture because I left her on Facebook. Well one of our mutual friends, who doesn't like the new BF, posted in reply, "where is *****, or did you break up?" And she actually replied he was passed out and they didn't break up.
I was so shocked that she would reply and not delete it. But I took a screen shot of it with the date, so if we ever go to court, she will have to explain that.
I think that because I have to laugh at that, I am getting over her. I haven't made the counseling appointment yet, but I will tomorrow. And I will post back that I did. I need someone to be accountable to.
She told me yesterday she was 3 months pregnant, which would make the baby mine, as her new boyfriend didn't get out of jail until the beginning of July. I couldn't remember when she decided she wanted to have a baby, so I looked at our insurance claims and found the date if the removal, June 19th.
Also of all the stupid things to do, she posted she needed help moving furniture because I left her on Facebook. Well one of our mutual friends, who doesn't like the new BF, posted in reply, "where is *****, or did you break up?" And she actually replied he was passed out and they didn't break up.
I was so shocked that she would reply and not delete it. But I took a screen shot of it with the date, so if we ever go to court, she will have to explain that.
I think that because I have to laugh at that, I am getting over her. I haven't made the counseling appointment yet, but I will tomorrow. And I will post back that I did. I need someone to be accountable to.
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