When the A is acting nice and normal?

Old 06-08-2012, 06:49 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Jade is a pretty shade of green....and let him be green with envy at you getting your life back in order. Active alcoholics don't get that the greatest gift they could give themselves AND you is sobriety and recovery.
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Old 06-08-2012, 07:07 PM
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Works for me! A gift of self is worth so much more.
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Old 06-08-2012, 10:43 PM
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Originally Posted by feelingalone43 View Post
He says he is ready to change the way he treats people so he can get better, and if he gets better, then we will get better. He is not in a program, but only drinking an occasional low-alcohol beer, which is within a boundary I set long ago. I don't mind seeing someone enjoy a beer, but can't stand drunks.
For what it's worth...
Maybe he's not an alcoholic and he can drink normally. But I kinda feel like you already know that's not the case? There are lots of different cues that someone is an alcoholic, but "can't drink normally" is pretty much the definition of alcoholism. And alcoholics who aren't in a program, or who are attempting to just "cut back," are pretty much doomed to continuing to progress in their disease.
You can't control whether your alcoholic drinks or not. But it's possible, even likely, that he's not just "enjoying a beer." He's headed down a path that is making you miserable and that may kill him. Serious business.
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Old 06-09-2012, 07:57 PM
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Mine cycles through over the top behaviors and abusive language mostly. Then goes through a period of pretending it never happened. Several years ago if I brought it up the next morning she would apologize or at least be horrified at her behaviors. Now, since I am enabling and she has had no consequences, she feels free to escalate. Tonight was an over the top pity party about how I don't do anything and she does all the laundry and etc. It is pointless to point out what I do to help.

Now I am getting her telling me to tell all my friends on SR, they will believe you!

I am afraid that I have put up with artificially caused misery for too long. Being older and retired I was afraid to start a fair and equitable split and she thinks she has me over a barrel with that and refuses to leave after saying she can't stand it any more. I live on a very small retirement. But with the house and property paid for as well as all else it is enough. I really hoped she would at least try to get sober, but all she does is resent my sobriety and throw it in my face claiming I throw it in hers. Which I don't at all. I have asked her once or twice to rein herself in because it was the alcohol speaking.

So it is time for the one who claims to be the enabler of my behaviors to have some consequences and getting exactly what she claims she wants. No more me. She thinks we can just live together and she can abuse me and make things miserable. Tonight she said that I had crossed a line, and gone too far and she would no longer stand for it. I asked why she doesn't leave then. (She has family and her parents here even though they are on in years they have their own place too.) What confounds me is her continuing escalation and tonight it hit me. She is getting worse because of her alcoholism progressing. So I have made a decision. I am filing on Monday and beginning to make whatever arrangements my lawyer tells me to. Everything will be sold and the proceeds divided evenly. I can't deprive her of my pension because it is retired military.

I am young enough to go back to work. And she will run through her money pretty fast. The one that crossed the line irrevocably wasn't me. Until tonight I actually thought we might get things right again. Her health is starting to go too with coughing all the time from smoking and her drinking. She disappears at 2 PM every day and goes to see her parents or shopping and comes back at 7 PM and feeds her dogs, then starts drinking and usually by 8:30 it is in full swing. NO more. Thanks for the thread. Reinforced what I decided tonight.

I appreciate hearing a guy because all of her complaints sound very much like all the complaints of AH/BFs. I guess things are the same regardless.

I am at peace because her biggest gripe is that I won't go back to work to get her a bigger house. I am pretty easy and can do without all the trappings. And now that I am going top do it I realize I want no more of relationships for a good long while. Sex is not an issue as much as before, as I don't go there anymore anyway. I am one of the guys many consider good looking. Well I am also off the market, likely for good. Never happen 20 years ago.

I will have a peaceful dinner every night and no angry destructive people in my life. Kids are grown and the pups are the only casualties as she insisted we get them over my protests and I am the one that trained them and walks them and spends time with them each day.

Anyway, I am back, thanks for being here.
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Old 06-10-2012, 01:06 PM
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Everytime I come to this website, it's like going to an al-anon meeting. I get what I need each time from reading stories so similar to my own. Today I was feeling crazy because my AH has been trying to "act" normal too. He's being very nice and thoughtful, but I, like all of you, know that he's trying to lure me back in. I've been married for over 30 years to this man, but the smoke screen is no longer there for me, and I'm seeing far too clearly for his benefit. I cannot let those walls down any more because past history has taught me that it's not a safe thing to do to myself. I feel that the relationship cannot continue with him drinking. I'm trying to take care of me and find myself after my many years of codependency. It's tough to live this way, but I've learned to expect nothing but more heartache from this man. When I get something besides heartache, I'm no longer swooned or won over. Hang in there, Lizotola, you are on your way to sanity and clarity for YOU.
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Old 06-10-2012, 04:40 PM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post

Come to think of it, the man I'm dating now has never bought me flowers. But, he is always present when we talk, he's always honest with me, he never plays games or puts me down. We work through whatever differences we have with neither of us feeling like a "winner" or a "loser." There is no power struggle, no mind games, to attempts to control. Just mutual respect, honesty, and appreciation. How I lived without those basics for so long, I'll never know.

My heart aches for this in my relationship with my husband. I think my expectations always trip me up.
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Old 06-10-2012, 05:29 PM
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I have always felt the best time to receive flowers was "just because." I love that!

Conversely, receiving (I'll call it Getting Flowers) in an attempt to apologize for bad behaviour is insulting to me. Flowers ain't gunna do it for me.
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Old 06-10-2012, 06:05 PM
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Originally Posted by onceuponatime2 View Post
My heart aches for this in my relationship with my husband. I think my expectations always trip me up.
My heart ached for this kind of relationship with my husband, too. Then I realized he wasn't capable of that kind of relationship.

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