Need some positive encouragement

Old 05-09-2012, 09:10 PM
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Need some positive encouragement

I am feeling very overwhelmed today. My AH just doesn't seem to be able to give me anything at this time. His dad died last week, his mother is a mess and he spent 2 days last week cleaning up her house which should be deemed a health hazard, and he has his sentencing next week.

My birthday is tomorrow and I'm dreading it, as usual. My AH just doesn't handle things well but luckily this year he hasn't made a stink about it, I just know he's uncomfortable with birthdays and thinking that I have some crazy expectations or something. When I tell him a card and a nice dinner is fine, he thinks I'm crazy, LOL. Anyway, this will be the first birthday where I don't get a phone call from MY dad, he passed away back in December.

And, here I sit feeling guilty, typical codependent behavior from me. AH told me earlier today that his friend was coming over to pick him up to play tennis at 6:30. Well, I went down to the park with the dog at 6:15 and 10 minutes later he goes riding his bike down the driveway with his racquet bag on his back. The club is a 12 minute drive away so it's a good bike ride for him! So, either his friend bailed on him or he lied about it or whatever, right? So, why do I feel guilty? He chose to not ask. He chose to ride his bike. I am sitting here thinking I'm a bad wife just because I won't cart him around to everything for a month, but then realizing he didn't even ask. I even think my feelings are hurt because he didn't ask. UGH, what's wrong with me???
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Old 05-09-2012, 09:44 PM
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Lord Have Mercy
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Hi Liz-

Happy birthday! Treat yourself nicely, you deserve it.

Classic Codie behavior, they screw up and we feel bad. At least you can come here on SR and vent to a lot of nice people who know EXACTLY what you are talking about. You know it's good that he's riding his bike, like you said, good exercise, right? Plus he can't get drunk while pedaling and holding onto the handle bars at the same time!

I'm just trying to cheer you up. Count your blessings and say a prayer for AH. Then maybe watch your favorite TV show and have some ice cream. :-). Enjoy your birthday!
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Old 05-09-2012, 09:44 PM
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lizatola, I don't know what to say except I empathize with your feelings and I wish you well. Also...happy birthday!!!

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Old 05-10-2012, 05:38 AM
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Wrap your arms around yourself and give a nice squeeze. Consider yourself hugged from me.

Repeat - and give Yourself some love today!
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Old 05-10-2012, 05:44 AM
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Happy happy birthday!!!

Bottom line is, you can't trust him. He's not trustworthy, so it's wise of you to NOT trust him. The guilt is a habit and it takes time to change those. But be that as it may, today is YOUR day and you are worth the celebration, however you choose to enjoy it! You can deal with all of that tomorrow. Today is a celebration of YOU, and I'm grateful you were born and share this path with all of us.

Sending a big b-day hug,
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Old 05-10-2012, 05:53 AM
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Happy Birthday!! Make the day you want it to be for yourself!!! :day6
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Old 05-10-2012, 06:25 AM
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It's your day, make a wish and blow out those candles!
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Old 05-10-2012, 07:58 AM
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Thank you all for the birthday wishes. He left my birthday presents out on the counter for me, he's still sleeping. This year I had actually sent him an email a month ago telling him exactly what I wanted: literally the clothing I wanted, etc. with sku numbers, LOL! I made it very easy so that he wouldn't get stressed out. I figured I was doing myself a service at this point and took some heat off of him in the process.

We'll see how the day itself goes. He hasn't been in the best of moods and I feel like I'm faking it. He's even sleeping in the guest room these days because he knows his snoring wakes me up at night and then I go sleep in the guest room so now he doesn't even come to bed. I guess I should be grateful since I don't get woken up, right?
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Old 05-10-2012, 11:19 AM
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Mine is next Wednesday. Fellow taurus. Remember we put up with no bull
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Old 05-10-2012, 11:35 AM
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Hopefully, he stays sober because riding a bicycle under the influence can be dangerous too. I heard some states can even give you a BUI. I didn't believe it when I first heard but looked into it & it's true.
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Old 05-10-2012, 11:41 AM
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Happy birthday!

I got to the point in my marriage where I stopped expecting ANYTHING from him and started planning my own birthdays. I bought my own presents, including dinner out or a trip if I had the money. I would take my kids and celebrate and just leave him to do whatever (usually drink). I have to say those were some of the best birthdays I remember. Don't count on him to make your day special. Get busy making it special for yourself!

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