15 years and no wiser?
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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15 years and no wiser?
My stomach is in knots and I am pondering the difference between watchful with reason and vaguely suspicious Suspicion that might be distorting my perception and thinking. I would hate for my own unfounded suspicion to undermine AH’s recovery. If it even is recovery because how can an A recover without any type of program at all? I mean – it’s possible, I suppose, but so utterly improbable.
There are decisions I must make and I have to stop obsessing first. Know what I mean?
This is our third “reconciliation” and is based on his third spiritual epiphany. It was all so believable for about the standard (for him) three months. I was unusually laid back and non-confrontational, too. I guess because I believed there had been a genuine change.
Gradually, though, the daily devotions together ceased, the controlling, the little cruelties, began to escalate into long, ugly fights – the kind that lead you to conclude that he’s not just an AH – he’s an A-hole down to the bone. But I thought maybe I could live with a jerk, as long as he wasn’t drinking and he was working and could lift heavy objects.
Then, I discovered he was visiting teen porn sites. I wasn’t even snooping – didn’t think I needed to. That’s what I dread so, so much. Being trustful and serene and being bushwhacked by alcohol and cheating.
We did talk about it. He said it didn’t signify anything – he was just mad at me. (However, it had begun when he was not mad at me, as far as I was aware.) That was several weeks ago. This week, all of a sudden, he became extremely amorous and affectionate toward me. He had been totally non-amorous and affectionate in a brotherly way prior to that. I am also convinced he has been sneaking a drink or two, but he denies it and I can’t prove it. There is also something not adding up about his finances that he is not telling me about.
Or am I just a crazy, suspicious old hag? I don’t think he’s cheating – yet. I do think he’s drinking and controlling it. What is bugging me so bad that I am posting is this sudden change in his demeanor toward me. Why? It makes me wonder whether everything since December has been an all-out con.
So – that’s my bottom line question. Took me long enough to say it, huh?
Plus we know where one drink leads. All I said was, “You know where that road goes.”
Yeah, now I’ve written this out, it’s pretty clear I’m back in the same fix I struggled so hard to get out off a year ago – and had succeeded. Please somebody say something wise and wonderful, anyway.
There are decisions I must make and I have to stop obsessing first. Know what I mean?
This is our third “reconciliation” and is based on his third spiritual epiphany. It was all so believable for about the standard (for him) three months. I was unusually laid back and non-confrontational, too. I guess because I believed there had been a genuine change.
Gradually, though, the daily devotions together ceased, the controlling, the little cruelties, began to escalate into long, ugly fights – the kind that lead you to conclude that he’s not just an AH – he’s an A-hole down to the bone. But I thought maybe I could live with a jerk, as long as he wasn’t drinking and he was working and could lift heavy objects.
Then, I discovered he was visiting teen porn sites. I wasn’t even snooping – didn’t think I needed to. That’s what I dread so, so much. Being trustful and serene and being bushwhacked by alcohol and cheating.
We did talk about it. He said it didn’t signify anything – he was just mad at me. (However, it had begun when he was not mad at me, as far as I was aware.) That was several weeks ago. This week, all of a sudden, he became extremely amorous and affectionate toward me. He had been totally non-amorous and affectionate in a brotherly way prior to that. I am also convinced he has been sneaking a drink or two, but he denies it and I can’t prove it. There is also something not adding up about his finances that he is not telling me about.
Or am I just a crazy, suspicious old hag? I don’t think he’s cheating – yet. I do think he’s drinking and controlling it. What is bugging me so bad that I am posting is this sudden change in his demeanor toward me. Why? It makes me wonder whether everything since December has been an all-out con.
So – that’s my bottom line question. Took me long enough to say it, huh?
Plus we know where one drink leads. All I said was, “You know where that road goes.”
Yeah, now I’ve written this out, it’s pretty clear I’m back in the same fix I struggled so hard to get out off a year ago – and had succeeded. Please somebody say something wise and wonderful, anyway.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 7
Dancing! That's the ticket! Why didn't I think of that? No better stress relief that I know of.
We recently moved to a new city and I haven't felt the motivation to seek out an Al-Anon group until now, but that's definitely on my list.
PS The gut is never wrong. Never I know that, but I need to hear it, too -- so thanks.
We recently moved to a new city and I haven't felt the motivation to seek out an Al-Anon group until now, but that's definitely on my list.
PS The gut is never wrong. Never I know that, but I need to hear it, too -- so thanks.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 146
My 'gut' feelings always served me to be right on the money when I felt something was wrong. Sudden behavior changes are a clue that something is most assuredly brewing but figuring out what will drive you crazy and I'm not sure if putting energy into trying to find out what it is with an A is even worth it. If they're not in the mood to tell you all you will get are lies, denial, deflection, and manipulation.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Hi WaitnWatch,
Welcome. Maybe your stomach is in knots because its trying to tell you something. Leading a happy, healthy, peaceful life does not usually lead to a a stomach knot
My stomach was in a permanent knot (I had a severe stress cough) when I was living with an active AH, when my life was dramatic and chaotic. I lived in fear, treading on eggshells everyday.
I have come to realise through my own recovery of SR, Al-anon and therapy that it doesn't really matter whether they are drinking, not drinking, in a programme or not, its about actions and positive actions at that. How their behaviour makes you feel. Are they reliable, consistent, loving, thoughtful, kind, caring, respectful - all those 'normal' things that we deserve from a husband and equal partner. I definitely deserve these from a husband and equal partner, as I am important.
I can imagine how you are feeling with all the negative actions starting up again. I know how devastating it was when my AH relapsed the first time, as I had faith and trust that his sobriety was going to last forever. It lasted about 5 months and we went back to square one with the blame-shifting, controlling and verbal abusive.
My AH visited porn sites too, looking at sites with young girls who were no older than our daughters (21 and 24yrs). I was checking up on my AH at that time and he was visiting the porn sites for hours everyday before and after work. I was sleeping in the spare room at the time and he blamed it on that. I thought it was disgusting and a pretty low act and it was another added reason to leave my AH. (BTW, I am not a prude and believe that porn can be healthy in a healthy marriage only if both parties are happy about including it)
I personally dont think you are a crazy, suspicious old hag at all but you are once again 'caught up' in the 'family disease' - your husbands alcoholism. Your stomach (gut) is telling you something isn't right and your not trusting your instincts.
Also visiting teen porn sites and blaming that on you.
Being caught up in the family disease, was what made me ill, stressed, anxious and panicked and I know that I could never live like that again.
Sometimes I worry that my AH will start drinking again, whilst trying to hide it from me (he has been sober for about 9 months, without a program but with continued therapy sessions and medication) At the end of the day its not about him drinking again but more importantly the negative behaviors that would come from that. I have faith that my continued recovery and recovery to date will now be enough for me to recognise that I am once again not being treated with respect etc and that I deserve better. I will never live with an active alcoholic again. That is my bottom line.
Do YOU know that YOU are important? your life is important? and you are worthy of having an equal partnership with someone who loves, respects, honors you and is trustworthy, honest, kind caring, thoughtful etc, etc, etc?
Al-anon will definitely help and if you already go, try increasing your meetings for a while. Something has been working for you in the past, maybe its time to find that strength again.
Welcome. Maybe your stomach is in knots because its trying to tell you something. Leading a happy, healthy, peaceful life does not usually lead to a a stomach knot
My stomach was in a permanent knot (I had a severe stress cough) when I was living with an active AH, when my life was dramatic and chaotic. I lived in fear, treading on eggshells everyday.
I have come to realise through my own recovery of SR, Al-anon and therapy that it doesn't really matter whether they are drinking, not drinking, in a programme or not, its about actions and positive actions at that. How their behaviour makes you feel. Are they reliable, consistent, loving, thoughtful, kind, caring, respectful - all those 'normal' things that we deserve from a husband and equal partner. I definitely deserve these from a husband and equal partner, as I am important.
I can imagine how you are feeling with all the negative actions starting up again. I know how devastating it was when my AH relapsed the first time, as I had faith and trust that his sobriety was going to last forever. It lasted about 5 months and we went back to square one with the blame-shifting, controlling and verbal abusive.
My AH visited porn sites too, looking at sites with young girls who were no older than our daughters (21 and 24yrs). I was checking up on my AH at that time and he was visiting the porn sites for hours everyday before and after work. I was sleeping in the spare room at the time and he blamed it on that. I thought it was disgusting and a pretty low act and it was another added reason to leave my AH. (BTW, I am not a prude and believe that porn can be healthy in a healthy marriage only if both parties are happy about including it)
I personally dont think you are a crazy, suspicious old hag at all but you are once again 'caught up' in the 'family disease' - your husbands alcoholism. Your stomach (gut) is telling you something isn't right and your not trusting your instincts.
Gradually, though, the daily devotions together ceased, the controlling, the little cruelties, began to escalate into long, ugly fights
Being caught up in the family disease, was what made me ill, stressed, anxious and panicked and I know that I could never live like that again.
Sometimes I worry that my AH will start drinking again, whilst trying to hide it from me (he has been sober for about 9 months, without a program but with continued therapy sessions and medication) At the end of the day its not about him drinking again but more importantly the negative behaviors that would come from that. I have faith that my continued recovery and recovery to date will now be enough for me to recognise that I am once again not being treated with respect etc and that I deserve better. I will never live with an active alcoholic again. That is my bottom line.
Do YOU know that YOU are important? your life is important? and you are worthy of having an equal partnership with someone who loves, respects, honors you and is trustworthy, honest, kind caring, thoughtful etc, etc, etc?
Al-anon will definitely help and if you already go, try increasing your meetings for a while. Something has been working for you in the past, maybe its time to find that strength again.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
His telling you that he is viewing teen (which sounds to me like a safer way of saying child) porn was done bc he was angry at you says loudly to me that whether he is drinking or not, he is an alcoholic in mind and actions. He is blaming you for his sick behavior? That's not just alcoholic behavior but abusive behavior.
Trust your gut.
I hate that I have become so cynical after years of living with my AH bc now the second my gut tells me something I trust it and I think it makes me come off as hardened. But at the end of the day I'd rather be cynical than blindsided constantly when I didn't trust my gut.
Sounds like you know that your gut is right too. It's just hard to accept (at least that was and sometimes still is the case for me).
xo
Trust your gut.
I hate that I have become so cynical after years of living with my AH bc now the second my gut tells me something I trust it and I think it makes me come off as hardened. But at the end of the day I'd rather be cynical than blindsided constantly when I didn't trust my gut.
Sounds like you know that your gut is right too. It's just hard to accept (at least that was and sometimes still is the case for me).
xo
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 7
Eight Ball --Your experience does resemble mine. And I am caught up in it again. I am so glad I posted because what you guys are saying is so strong and so right. It really helps. Although, it will not be so easy to slip the trap as it was last year. I need a lot of conviction to do what is best for me exclusively, but that is what I am seeing has to be done. Cleverly done.
WanttobeHealthy -- you called it. Seems like child porn to me, too. How can someone act so innocent about something so vile?
Thanks to this site and bitter experience, I am able to identify abuse much more quickly. This current situation is decidely emotionally abusive. It feels paranoid, but I almost think this most recent effusive affection is meant to mess with my head.
WanttobeHealthy -- you called it. Seems like child porn to me, too. How can someone act so innocent about something so vile?
Thanks to this site and bitter experience, I am able to identify abuse much more quickly. This current situation is decidely emotionally abusive. It feels paranoid, but I almost think this most recent effusive affection is meant to mess with my head.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ny/nj
Posts: 182
Here's my wise and wonderful take: wake up. No, really, wake up now, honey. Really, sweetie, you're having that dream again. You know, the one where it really does work out. C'mon, up and at it. Back to reality.
I wasted 20 years. You're at 15? Five more years of the pink cloud did not give me the desired outcome. Maybe you two will beat the odds. But from here those odds look mighty slim.
I'm sorry. Good luck!
I wasted 20 years. You're at 15? Five more years of the pink cloud did not give me the desired outcome. Maybe you two will beat the odds. But from here those odds look mighty slim.
I'm sorry. Good luck!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
" How can someone act so innocent about something so vile? "
Because he is a sicko, he is a liar and a manipulater...you have a choice, go down with the ship or jump and swim to the shore...it is your choice.
Because he is a sicko, he is a liar and a manipulater...you have a choice, go down with the ship or jump and swim to the shore...it is your choice.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by WaitnWatch 
WanttobeHealthy -- you called it. Seems like child porn to me, too. How can someone act so innocent about something so vile?
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 7
It seems I need to clarify that that teens not youngchildren were featured at the offensive website. Scantily clad teens striking provocative poses, but not children.
Yes, Anvilhead, there is no escaping the realization that his problem is way more than drinking. You have gone straight to the core of what has really rocked my reality.
Yes, Anvilhead, there is no escaping the realization that his problem is way more than drinking. You have gone straight to the core of what has really rocked my reality.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Yes, Anvilhead, there is no escaping the realization that his problem is way more than drinking. You have gone straight to the core of what has really rocked my reality.
At the same time we have to work hard at changing so we choose positive people and let the sick, destructive ones go their own way.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Vent your spleen somewhere else, Anvil. While I may not, personally, believe there is a moral difference between seductive teen websites and genuine child porn, there IS a difference legally. I do not visit this site to be berated and you need to rein it in.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by WaitnWatch
It seems I need to clarify that that teens not youngchildren were featured at the offensive website. Scantily clad teens striking provocative poses, but not children.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by WaitnWatch
You people are quite appalling. No, Anvil -- you're not my enemy. You are just a bully. You, too, choublak. One thing is sure -- this website is a lot easier to go no contact with than an alcoholic.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
True this website is easier to go NC to versus the addict...I'm so grateful it is turning the other way for me. I can much more easily avoid contact with him and I find my self spending more time on SR and reading great books.
What you are going through SUCKS. When we are forced to see the person we loved for who they really are...that is gut wrenching when we find out it isn't about the alcohol or drugs they really are abusive, a holes, Liars, etc...
How could I have fallen in love with someone like ths and stayed for so long? It was easier for me to doubt my gut or think I was being a hypercritical demanding Virgo (funny all words my RXAB calls me) versus believing what he IS SHOWING ME. If I believe what I'm seeing and experiencing that means I have to leave and the dream of who I thought he was is over.
So would you rather have the continued pain and abuse you have ad for years or the pain and sadness that comes with ending a relationship? At least the pain that comes with leaving eventually stops hurting whereas the pain with staying will just get deeper.
Much love
What you are going through SUCKS. When we are forced to see the person we loved for who they really are...that is gut wrenching when we find out it isn't about the alcohol or drugs they really are abusive, a holes, Liars, etc...
How could I have fallen in love with someone like ths and stayed for so long? It was easier for me to doubt my gut or think I was being a hypercritical demanding Virgo (funny all words my RXAB calls me) versus believing what he IS SHOWING ME. If I believe what I'm seeing and experiencing that means I have to leave and the dream of who I thought he was is over.
So would you rather have the continued pain and abuse you have ad for years or the pain and sadness that comes with ending a relationship? At least the pain that comes with leaving eventually stops hurting whereas the pain with staying will just get deeper.
Much love
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