I am new
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: CT
Posts: 2
I am new
Hey all... I am new to this. I am a mother of one. My s/o began drinking when we found out we were pregnant and that was 3 years ago... I tried to reach out to him many times to get sober again, after episodes of him pushing me around when I was six months pregnant I did not see him again until the day our daughter was born. Fast forward to now... he met a woman who is in alanon and he found support through her and began an intimate relationship with her just prior to him finally starting AA a week ago. I was so elated he started the program everything was wonderful and then I found out about her a week ago (he has been seeing her for idk how long but I am putting the pieces together and it looks like six months), I asked him to stop seeing her and continue with our daughter and I so we can heal and be a family again. He blames me for this and is continuing to lie about seeing her, he has had me blocked on social sites for about two years because I told him he was not acting like a man in a relationship. I did push but I pushed for him to get sober again, I never expected this. He has told me for a year now I have been a liar, betrayer and cheater (I am not). I am grateful to have found this site as this is my first step in opening up to the world again. So... thats my very shortened story. Hi all :/
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
I don't mean to sound rude when I say this, so please don't take it that way.
Anyway, are you two together? If not, he is going to do whatever he wants, even if that means being with this other woman, and you aren't going to be able to break them up simply because you want to be a family.
If you are together, then what the hell are you doing allowing him to cheat on you with this woman? Regardless of whether he is an addict or not, why would you be in a relationship with someone you can't trust? Do you want your child to have someone like that as a role model? Trust me, I know how hard it is to be a single parent, but it can be done, and if he isn't going to be responsible enough to care for your child anyway, then he shouldn't be allowed to.
Please don't use the family thing as an excuse to take him back. He sounds like he has been lying to you for years, and you deserve so much better. He is not going to change, and he is going to continue hurting both you and your child.
Anyway, are you two together? If not, he is going to do whatever he wants, even if that means being with this other woman, and you aren't going to be able to break them up simply because you want to be a family.
If you are together, then what the hell are you doing allowing him to cheat on you with this woman? Regardless of whether he is an addict or not, why would you be in a relationship with someone you can't trust? Do you want your child to have someone like that as a role model? Trust me, I know how hard it is to be a single parent, but it can be done, and if he isn't going to be responsible enough to care for your child anyway, then he shouldn't be allowed to.
Please don't use the family thing as an excuse to take him back. He sounds like he has been lying to you for years, and you deserve so much better. He is not going to change, and he is going to continue hurting both you and your child.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Hi Flower7
I am glad you are here, but sorry for what brought you here.
My loved one who struggles with an addiction also had an affair. It was the affair that finally got me into recovery for my life on both counts.
Al-anon has helped me a lot with both recovery from living with a loved one with an addiction and from working through the feelings associated with a loved one in and having an affair. I realize that Al-anon might be sensitive topic because of your situation, but there might be other options for you.
I found that my reaction to the drinking and the affair were similar....a whole lot of chaos and confusion.
Please be gentle with yourself and take care of you.
I am glad you are here, but sorry for what brought you here.
My loved one who struggles with an addiction also had an affair. It was the affair that finally got me into recovery for my life on both counts.
Al-anon has helped me a lot with both recovery from living with a loved one with an addiction and from working through the feelings associated with a loved one in and having an affair. I realize that Al-anon might be sensitive topic because of your situation, but there might be other options for you.
I found that my reaction to the drinking and the affair were similar....a whole lot of chaos and confusion.
Please be gentle with yourself and take care of you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome flower.
I hope you find this forum a great resource as I have.
Sounds like a lot on your plate right now, along with being a new Mom. Congrats on that, by the way.
We have a saying here called the three C's. We don't cause them to drink, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. But what we can do is find our own path to a better life regardless of what the alcoholic is doing.
Take good care, and keep coming back!
~T
I hope you find this forum a great resource as I have.
Sounds like a lot on your plate right now, along with being a new Mom. Congrats on that, by the way.
We have a saying here called the three C's. We don't cause them to drink, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. But what we can do is find our own path to a better life regardless of what the alcoholic is doing.
Take good care, and keep coming back!
~T
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: CT
Posts: 2
He is actually not in our lives. I am simply trying to make sense of it all for myself. Thank you for the warm welcome. After thinking about it, it is wrong for me to ask for the "family". I have no problem raising my daughter on my own. I have a great family and I just hope he heals for himself. For a while i thought i caused this. But after reading so much here about everyones experiences from both sides i have a much deeper understanding. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
alcoholics love to project. so his calling you a liar for the past year sounds to me like he was projecting his behavior onto you.
sorry for all you've been through. glad you are here. this is a really amazing site. i attend al anon here and there but what's been most instrumental to me has been this site and my sponsor.
welcome!
sorry for all you've been through. glad you are here. this is a really amazing site. i attend al anon here and there but what's been most instrumental to me has been this site and my sponsor.
welcome!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 18
like another poster said, they love to project. Once my ABF yelled at me for an hour because he claims I am addicted to purses and need to go to rehab for it. this all came about because I would sometimes go on forums and talk about fashion (an interest of mine) and i got to emails to my phone because someone had replied to a question I asked on a forum. he was livid. i did not understand until I relaized that when they are mad at themseleves they will act like they are mad at you so that they dont need to deal with their own feelings.
it sounds to me like he likes being with this other woman because she doesnt know the real him. With you, you know all his problems and struggles so theres no where to hide from his inner demons.
You sound very strong, and will get through this. you need to concentrate on you. Create an amazing and healthy life for you and your child. If he gets better, on his own, for HIM. then maybe one day you could have that family. But right now, be your own little family, and one day you may meet someone else who enters your life without all the chaos and you can create a different family. Best of luck to you and your child.
it sounds to me like he likes being with this other woman because she doesnt know the real him. With you, you know all his problems and struggles so theres no where to hide from his inner demons.
You sound very strong, and will get through this. you need to concentrate on you. Create an amazing and healthy life for you and your child. If he gets better, on his own, for HIM. then maybe one day you could have that family. But right now, be your own little family, and one day you may meet someone else who enters your life without all the chaos and you can create a different family. Best of luck to you and your child.
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