I just left my boyfriend of 6 years due to addiction, did I make the right choice? - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 02-16-2012, 10:50 AM   #1 (permalink)
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I just left my boyfriend of 6 years due to addiction, did I make the right choice?


I just got out of a 6 year relationship one month ago with a man who i loved more then life itself. I feel in love with him so hard, so fast and KNEW that was the man that god had put in my life to marry. I was 22 and so in love and thanked god everyday he put him in my life, we moved intogether and everything was perfect....then thats when i noticed the drinking, 1 year into the relationship.

The next 4 years living with him was him sobering up from me leaving him and going back then sobering up for 2 years....i thought FINALLY we are gonna make it, i loved him so much....but thats when the perscription pill addiction came into play. He was off and on those for 2 years and on our 5 year anniversery he had a sezure from cutting cold turkey cuz i told him i would leave agian. He went into rehab and i moved back in with parents on my 28th birthday.

For the next year we talked, saw each other and texted and continued to love each other, he told me he was getting better and wanted to be with me and marry me and was so sorry for everything. He asked me to fight for him with my family but i was scared cuz he lied to me before about being sober. I loved him so much and wanted to be with him so I said ok after 9 months of "dating" i said ill fight for you with my family but out of no where he said it was to late and i should of done it months ago and i didnt love him. I was so confused and was balling my eyes out and said i wanted him back. Then he said he wont stop drinking and he dosent have a problem and started seeing somone new. So i left him.

Talk about a blow to my heart, i fought for him for 6 years and then out of no where, he starts drinking again and tells me this new girl was there when i wasnt and dosent judge him on his past. I have been crying 6 times a day for month just trying to remember to breath and get throught it and not think of all the good times we shared but the bad and I cant. Please tell me i did the right thing and how to get through it and to move on...my heart has never been this broken and I wish he would just sober up and be with me but...whats the point right?


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Old 02-16-2012, 11:22 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome.
Yes.
You did the right thing.

Quote:
I just got out of a 6 year relationship one month ago with a man who i loved more then life itself.
No. You didn't love him more than life itself. Which is why you were sane enough to save yourself from drowning in his drinking. You should give yourself a big pat on the back for walking away when you did.

As for the "the other girl was there when you weren't" -- there will ALWAYS be another girl who is willing to put up with an addict's bull****... for a while.

My AXH's alcoholism got to the point where this man, who in the beginning would have taken a bullet for me, threatened to kill me and our children. And guess what? He doesn't have any problems getting a date. Of course, he doesn't tell people he threatened to kill his family. He doesn't tell people how abusive he is when he's drunk.

You're worth more than being the pounding bag, emotionally or physically, of an addict.

You didn't cause his drinking.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

But what you can do is take care of yourself. Please, hang around, read some posts (especially the ones that are stuck at the top of the forum). Ask questions. And if you live somewhere where there are Al-Anon meetings, find one and go.

Hugs. Hearts heal and don't become harder, just smarter. Promise.
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Old 02-16-2012, 11:24 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I am so sorry you are hurting so much.

Facts: He is an addict, he is looking for an enabler, you are not an enabler- the other girl (who doesn't "judge" which really means "she doesn't know me at all yet so I can deceive her into thinking I am someone I'm not) is an enabler.

I am divorcing my AH, have 2 young kids and have felt that same pain you describe (not recently, but last year for much of the year). Even though it hurts so so so much, ask yourself whether you would have wanted to keep living like you had? Asking myself that, and realizing that I was unhappy helps me when I am as low as I have ever felt. You have good reason to be sad. You spent many years with someone you loved, you wanted a life together. But he's an addict, and he can't be in a relationship. If you'd stayed together it might have ended in marriage, kids etc... but eventually you'd be in this same spot. Sad, crying, wondering how you spent so long with someone who was never fully invested in the r/s.

It's really hard. I know. Post here a lot. You'll get support and it will help.

Sending hugs your way...
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Old 02-16-2012, 11:28 AM   #4 (permalink)
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You are not alone.

I am in the process of divorcing my AH.

It is so hard. A real emotional rollercoaster. Stay strong. Find support here. There is so much good advice from others who have been in the same position.

I have written down all the worst things that my AH did and when I feel wobbly I look at it to remind myself why leaving is the right thing. As I am learning it is actions not words that are important.

Just take things one little thing at a time and keep putting one foot in front of another.

Thinking of you.
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Old 02-16-2012, 11:33 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Welcome, and I'm so sorry you're hurting. I believe he saved you from a life of misery and someday you will be thankful that this has happened, but it doesn't take the pain away. Keep coming back, we're here for you.
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Old 02-16-2012, 11:50 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Oh how I wish I had your courage and backbone! I have been in a 14 year relationship (now have a 5 yr old and another one on the way) and my qualifier blames me for everything. Always says if I dont do this he will find someone else. He has not that I know of. We have been through the best of times (camping, traveling, buying a house, having a baby) to the worst of times (him overdosing in front of our 2 year old, threatening to kill me, suicide notes, our home burning down, the list goes on). You did the right thing for you, and that is what is the most importatn YOU! Again I hope that someday very soon I have enough strength and courage to stand up for my self. Thank you very much for your post oddly it has helped me today.
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Old 02-16-2012, 12:04 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Yes. You did the right thing. There was no way you could have changed him or "made him see the light". He's not interested in recovery; he just wants his enabler, and that's no you (thank goodness).

As for how to move on, you focus on taking care of yourself while you heal. You get involved in new activities. You remember to rest, eat well, surround yourself with friends, and take time to reflect. And you post on SR a whole lot
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Old 02-16-2012, 12:38 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Welcome to you, so glad you are here.

I caught my wife of 8 years cheating, when I confronted her she moved out. I was deavastated even though our relationship had been very rocky. I honestly thought I was going to self destruct. I got into therapy, every day I got a little stronger. At 34 I met the woman of my dreams, we got married and have two beautiful children.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, personally I think your guardian angel has saved you from a lifetime of heartbreak. One of these days someone will come along and treat you like you deserve to be treated.

When things get rough remember this: You are beautiful, smart, and caring, you deserve the same things from a person who claims to love you.

If you need a shoulder, an ear, or a hug, I will be here.

Big hugs and best of luck to you.

Bill
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Old 02-16-2012, 09:26 PM   #9 (permalink)
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justrae-

similar happened to me. it hurts horribly. we can all say to you that this is for the best, but right now, that doesn't take the pain away.

keep reaching out for support. consider individual therapy to help you heal. try journaling your feelings.

i want to add that many of our addicts do the same...when we step back from enabling their addiction, they go and get someone new who will. it is not personal. this is not about you as a person. this is about the addiction needing to be fed. addiction also likes to remain in the dark. you called it out into the light.

your XABF is an addict. he is abusing alcohol and pills. it is the road that only leads to tears. shed yours now and thank god that you didn't marry him and have children with him.

i found it very useful to read the stories here when i felt at my lowest, because it reminded me of the reason why we couldn't be together. love is not enough to fix an addict. it took me a long time to accept that but i know it now.

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Old 12-08-2015, 03:57 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Im so sorry you are going through this! I know I'm years late of the original date this was posted. But I am going through the same thing right now. Expect mine is an adderall addict and i just left him. I moved four hrs away with my family bc i knew I couldn't be around him bc i love him and i would take him back. We still txt bc it eases the pain. He is promising to get help and get me back....I am heart broken. Any advice?
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Old 12-08-2015, 04:12 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Olivia, this is a very old thread, from 2012. The OP hasn't posted since October of that year--she probably isn't still reading.

I think you got lots of good feedback on your original thread. FWIW, I think the texting may be prolonging your pain, rather than relieving it.
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