You are not alone.
I am in the process of divorcing my AH.
It is so hard. A real emotional rollercoaster. Stay strong. Find support here. There is so much good advice from others who have been in the same position.
I have written down all the worst things that my AH did and when I feel wobbly I look at it to remind myself why leaving is the right thing. As I am learning it is actions not words that are important.
Just take things one little thing at a time and keep putting one foot in front of another.
Thinking of you.