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I want to help so bad

Old 12-07-2011, 02:53 PM
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I want to help so bad

Yesterday one I went out for coffee with one of my AD's friends. Her friend Halee. She contacted me earlier in the week saying she wanted to talk to me about Amber and her drinking. I agreed to the meeting on the terms that I'd hear anything she had to say no matter how bad it made my daughter look.

I haven't seen or heard from Amber in about month we used to go out for lunch every once in a while to catch up on how she was doing and whats going on in her life good or bad. I haven't had that lately.

Well I learned a lot meeting with her friend.

Amber got a new job where she works during the day and has a little more money on hand. So she now has a new apartment and a new roomate, who shares the same love of life that she does and enjoys the partying lifestyle. She told me they have some friends over almost every night or they just drink together. But they're essentially always drunk and sometimes they get high. But apprently you don't find them sober past 9 PM.

She also told me Amber's party behavior has gotten way worse. Like she never could keep herself in check when she was drunk, but now shes "not someone I want to be around when shes drunk" This is the same friend that came home into my house drunk with her this past summer half naked and threw up on my kitchen floor and now she can't even drink with Amber anymore. She then told me a story from last weekend where Amber was at party with her and they were in a hot tub with guy. Amber was drunk, her friend hadn't drank much and neither had the guy. She asked him to get her the bottle of Jack Bean when she already had a beer and he asked her whats in it for him. She came on to him and told him "whatever he wanted". She according to her friend proceeded to take off her swimsuit bottoms and stick up her butt in his face, then slapped it and went "ya like?" and the top wasn't far behind and she let him "motorboat her"

My daughters friend said she feels terrible because at that point she left the hot tub because was just so sickening to see Amber get taken advantage of that way so she went to a different room. But eventaully Amber came completely naked holding a bottle of whiskey and asking people if they wanted to do body shots "of any part of her body". She told me it was the saddest thing she's ever seen considering how far Amber was about a year and a half ago where they couldn't even get her to go to a party.

I couldn't hold back my tears and her friend gave a hug and wanted to know if Amber would ever live in my house again. I said I didn't know. She told me she thought it'd be better if she came because her roomate has a terrible influence on Amber, she was also at that party and was just as drunk and completely encouraged Amber. She also showed me some pictures from facebook of Amber. She looks completely different, she got blonde highlights, she's visibly gained weight, and she has another tattoo. It's of a heart with wings on her lower back to go with the lipstick outline on her right butt cheek.

I guess I just really want her to come home because it seems like nothing is getting better in her life and I'd want to keep an eye on her and try to help her through this issue. But I've been down that road before and it only caused more pain. I don't know what to do but apprently she's gotten so bad her childhood friends won't even deal with her when she drinks. What do I do?
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Old 12-07-2011, 03:51 PM
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I am sorry, I feel your pain, however, IMHO you really need to work on you, are you going to Alanon meetings yet? If you do not help yourself first, no one will get healthy.

You can kidnap her, lock her in her bedroom and she will figure a way out, she will not seek recovery until she is ready. Attempting to move her back in your home is not the answer...her friend is a young girl like Amber, she really is not in a position to understand what will or will not work. Addiction is a complex disease, there is no easy fix.

Have you been reading others posts on this board? That includes the F & F of Substance Abusers? What about the stickeys? Addiction is Addiction, and now your daughter is doing drugs of some kind, so what is posted on the Substance Abusers Forum applies to your daughter.

I want to support you. However, you post, I respond, and then immediately...poof, you are gone, a month or so later when there is another crisis you post again.

I understand that it is your choice, and, I take no exception to that. However, one thing I do know is that recovery from addiction and/or codependency requires follow through, successful recovery is not a hit or miss program. It requires total dedication.

Just my two cents, take what you want and leave the rest.
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Old 12-07-2011, 04:11 PM
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I know how hard this is, but bringing her home won't stop her. She still drank and went out when she was living with you before, so what would be different this time? She is a legal adult, and you cannot force her to move back home, and even if she did, what would be different? If she wants to drink and party, she is going to drink and party.

I know how much you love your daughter, but hearing these things does absolutely no good and only keeps you torn up. It would be better if you didn't know what all she was doing. We cannot love our children into health. If we could, none of us would be here and SR wouldn't exist.

I don't recall if you are attending al-anon meetings, but if you aren't you should, and if you are, maybe you should go more frequently. Having support from others who are in the same situation can be very beneficial. All you can do is take care of yourself, and I hope you will get some help so you can do that.
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Old 12-07-2011, 05:30 PM
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When I was in college I did much the same, I did not drink every single night but I did binge drink, smoked pot/hash, did speed, etc.

My parents tried to intervene to no avail, I had to flunk out of school before I woke up, I got a full time job and went to school at night it took amost seven years to graduate, but I paid my own way and I straightened out on my own terms.

She is going to have to do this on her own, please make sure that she knows that you love her and are worried about her behavior, reminder her that if she is going to have sex to at least have safe sex.

I feel for you, but you absolutely cannot fix this, will say a prayer for you and your daughter.

Bill
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Old 12-07-2011, 07:01 PM
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@Dollydo I know sometimes I just vanish from here but that doesn't mean I don't read and consider what you guys say. I've never been an alcholic and can only learn so much from education about it. You guys are a big help.

That said I haven't checked into alanon but maybe it's time I should. We've always made excuses to dodge it. Whether it's not enough time, whether it's thinking we can handle it on our own. I don't know why we haven't done it but I think we should and soon. I'm having more trouble lately knowing she's still not getting better and is actaully getting worse.

I've never been in a situation with these kind of problems. That didn't happen in my childhood we were all just good kids that came home from school and didn't do this stuff. Then Amber was such a blessing and never got roped in for 18 years and my other two kdis are still too young. It's all hard for me. I really have no idea how to handle the fact that my daughter is getting drunk or smoking pot pretty much every night. The fact that she will strip and shake her ass in a guys face just so he gets her another bottle. The fact that she is so willing to expose her self to in public and get taken advantage of. I don't know how to handle any of it and it's killing me as a parent who thought they had answers for everything
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Old 12-07-2011, 07:06 PM
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I gently suggest that you put your focus on your two younger children. Amber is going to do whatever Amber wants to do. You cannot help her, but you can help your other children. They need you to guide them and to be your main focus.

I do hope you will get to an al-anon meeting and keep going. You really need some face-to-face support from other parents who have children who are going headlong down the wrong path with alcohol and drugs. While you cannot save Amber, you can learn how to save yourself and gain some peace of mind and serenity.
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Old 12-07-2011, 07:28 PM
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Originally Posted by Sheneedshelp View Post
I guess I just really want her to come home because it seems like nothing is getting better in her life and I'd want to keep an eye on her and try to help her through this issue. But I've been down that road before and it only caused more pain. I don't know what to do but apprently she's gotten so bad her childhood friends won't even deal with her when she drinks. What do I do?
SNH,

I'm sorry that your daughter continues to struggle with her addiction. Unfortunately, you seem to know the answer to your own question, as hard as it is to accept.

One of the most quoted expressions in AA meetings, with good reason, is from Einstein:

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results.

Matching her self inflicted pain with some of your own ("been down that road") isn't going to change anything. Have you checked out alanon?
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Old 12-08-2011, 06:15 AM
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As long as she views her drinking as "partying" she will not stop. Alcoholism is not a party and is not fun. It is progressive and she is now progressing into drugs. I remember she had to attend some court ordered alcohol classes or AA meetings? She probably treated them as a joke because she is still having fun with booze and the "lifestyle". It sounds as if she is in the beginning stages of alcoholism & sad to say to but it can get much worse.
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Old 12-08-2011, 07:56 AM
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There is so much "need" right now - how about channeling that need for helping toward a charity or Xmas drive or something? Put that energy to good use?!
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Old 12-12-2011, 12:35 PM
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Hi,

Sorry things haven't changed much with your daughter, but most people have to feel a lot of pain before they are ready to change. That goes for her, and for you.

You seem to think if you just keep "trying" that something YOU do will make a difference. It almost certainly won't.

I agree with the others here that you need to take care of yourself and your other kids. Amber is beyond your help. It's tough to swallow, but it's true. She knows you are there to support her if she wants help. Her friends know it, too. So that message has been sent and received.

Please do something to help yourself--that's one place where your own efforts WILL be rewarded.
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Old 12-12-2011, 01:40 PM
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I just can't for the life of me imagine the purpose of Amber telling you this story, particularly in this kind of detail.

I agree with Lexie and everyone else, focus on yourself and your little ones.
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Old 12-12-2011, 02:34 PM
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Originally Posted by Hanna View Post
I just can't for the life of me imagine the purpose of Amber telling you this story, particularly in this kind of detail.
I agree wholeheartedly with the above advice regarding detachment, and focusing on your younger kids. And getting support in doing so, be it Al-Anon or something else.

But there's something very off about the whole exchange with Halee, from the way it's recounted here. I can sort of see Halee wanting to talk to you to let you know how bad things are with Amber. But then the whole sexual story, in such detail? If I heard a story about a drunk daughter that had the phrase "hot tub" and "guy" I would just want to interrupt: "LALALA okay I actually get the picture." And Halee's sitting there recounting even the "motorboat" stuff? It sounds like Halee was either trying to hurt you, or--I don't know--is there something wrong with her?

And the facebook pictures? Why did Haley need to show you the tattoo?

It must be terrible to hear of your daughter putting herself in vulnerable positions, but you seem to be focusing on that in great detail. It's just as sad to think of the way alcohol must be affecting her career, her education, her health, at such a young age.

I hope you can get some peace for yourself and the rest of your family. Are there some resources in your town for Al-Anon or similar?
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