Feeling some anger

Old 11-28-2011, 09:51 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Feeling some anger

I have tried to let go of the anger I have felt for many years. I don't want to live my life that way. I try to treat my husband with compassion even when I hear all the lies and the way he still tries to convince himself and me that he is in control of the alcohol.
Today is our 30th anniversary. He had called about 2 weeks ago and we spent over an hour on the phone. He said things like" I am tired of being angry, hurt and alone." "i want to move from this day forward and let go of all the hurt in the past" "Everything is going to be alright". I so desperately want to believe what he is saying yet he is not saying that he has decided to quit drinking and unless he does that I think I cannot trust what he has to say.
So I had sent him a message for our anniversary and I made it through the day at work and was very gently with myself. Then about 8 p.m. he calls to wish me "anniversary". He said that out of respect for the years we were together and tried to work it out that he felt it necessary to call but that was all. He was very short and did not want to talk anymore.
WTF! Why even bother. I really had tried to let go of expectations but I certainly wasn't expecting that! Now I am pissed. Maybe mostly at myself for allowing him to still take up so much room in my life.
I know I am being stubborn about things. I can't let go yet but I feel myself getting closer to that point. It annoys me that he can just walk off into the sunset without having the balls to tell me that he wants out and put all things in order. Its like he still wants to have the option of me. And I'm letting him. I need to go NC again I fear and go back to thinking the husband I love is dead and gone. Just feeling angry at the situation and his choices.
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Old 11-29-2011, 02:05 AM
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IMHO we can fully get rid of the anger only when and if we reach full acceptance.
Acceptance that he is who he is and that most likely he'll never change.
Acceptance that life happens on life terms, and there is not a single thing we can do about it.
Acceptance that we have lost this battle.
Acceptance that we were silly enough to even think winning this battle is a possibility.
Acceptance that thinking of it all in terms of winning and losing and battle was a mistake.
Acceptance that from this day on whether we're happy or unhappy depends only on ourselves...
Acceptance that the A is not the only one to be blamed that this is our life now, and that we should take responisbility for our own lives.
Acceptance that past is past.
And than letting go of it all.

It happens only when you allow for it to happen, when you're ready. It doesn't happen while wether he's still lieing or not makes a difference to you. Lies are part of the disease, compassion comes from understanding this too. It usually takes a certain amount of detachmet, distancing (different to each of us, to some never possible) to understand and feel this.

I hope this doesn't sounds patronising, just wanted to share what I learned from my own experience.
I wish you well.
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Old 11-29-2011, 10:27 AM
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I hate so much that your anniversary wasn't a pleasant celebration - that must have been very disappointing and sad.

I wish you the best as you walk this road on discovering what is healthy and best for YOU ~ don't forget you have the ability to make choices for you. Everyone is deserving of respect, love, dignity and healthy compassion - don't forget to give that to yourself!

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Old 11-29-2011, 05:01 PM
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I am a firm believer that it's ok to be angry when you have been "done wrong" Jesus could turn the other cheek "becuase he was Jesus" !

I have to work through my pain and anger, I don't have a timetable, some things I have forgiven rapidly, some things still set me off 30 years after the happened.

My wife reminds me that it's called spiritual practice because just like anything else we cannot be good at it without regular practice.

So stew about it for awhile and remember that it's his loss, you will pick yourself up, dust yourself off and come back better and stronger, a new year is just around the corner, don't make a resoultion, find a new path to walk down.

Best of luck to you,

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Old 11-30-2011, 07:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Willybluedog View Post
I am a firm believer that it's ok to be angry when you have been "done wrong" Jesus could turn the other cheek "becuase he was Jesus" !
Even in the Bible Jesus got angry at things He felt important, though - the story of overturning carts in the Temple marketplace is actually one of my favorite stories because it shows that it's okay to be angry for a good cause, and it's okay to do something about it.
He actually sounds like He was exasperated quite a lot with a lot of well-intentioned but clueless people who thought they were helping. So there's hope for me, too.

To me, "turning the other cheek" means that I shouldn't allow other people to draw me into an argument that isn't important, I should "turn the other cheek" rather than "throw the next punch."
That doesn't mean that I shouldn't get angry, though. And that doesn't mean I can't do something about it - I just have to try and pick a healthier response that will actually bring some positive results for my life, rather than some missing teeth to go with the original black eye.
That's not to say I always achieve that, either, but it's a good goal anyway.
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