Feeling some anger
I have tried to let go of the anger I have felt for many years. I don't want to live my life that way. I try to treat my husband with compassion even when I hear all the lies and the way he still tries to convince himself and me that he is in control of the alcohol.
Today is our 30th anniversary. He had called about 2 weeks ago and we spent over an hour on the phone. He said things like" I am tired of being angry, hurt and alone." "i want to move from this day forward and let go of all the hurt in the past" "Everything is going to be alright". I so desperately want to believe what he is saying yet he is not saying that he has decided to quit drinking and unless he does that I think I cannot trust what he has to say.
So I had sent him a message for our anniversary and I made it through the day at work and was very gently with myself. Then about 8 p.m. he calls to wish me "anniversary". He said that out of respect for the years we were together and tried to work it out that he felt it necessary to call but that was all. He was very short and did not want to talk anymore.
WTF! Why even bother. I really had tried to let go of expectations but I certainly wasn't expecting that! Now I am pissed. Maybe mostly at myself for allowing him to still take up so much room in my life.
I know I am being stubborn about things. I can't let go yet but I feel myself getting closer to that point. It annoys me that he can just walk off into the sunset without having the balls to tell me that he wants out and put all things in order. Its like he still wants to have the option of me. And I'm letting him. I need to go NC again I fear and go back to thinking the husband I love is dead and gone. Just feeling angry at the situation and his choices.