Where is the husband I married?

Old 07-18-2011, 09:32 PM
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Where is the husband I married?

Well its almost been 8 months since the AH moved away. Now he is the XAH.

Today he called me at work. He was very sad. He wanted to know if there was anything left of us. I dodge the question and told him that this is not part of my recovery right now. But I did tell him, we are divorced, what is left, you made a choice to continue to drink. It is your choice. It is your choice to continue to live in hell, not mine.

He asked me the question again, now the hair goes up on my neck. I feel trapped into a corner. I told him I was not going to talk about the past.

Trying to change the subject, I asked him how his recovery is going. He said great, but he doesnt go to many meetings since he works 15 hours a day.

I told him he has to stay sober to get better. He tells me that he is. I said well you might be right now, but for the program to work, you have to stay sober forever not just for the hour.

He tells me, well if you tell me that there is something still between us, I will work harder, if not, well I guess I will find something else. Then he begins to cry. I told him he has to stay sober for himself, not me nor anyone else or it wont work. He told me that he went to rehab for us..uggg

By this time, Im done with the phone call and told him goodbye.

19 phones later....I get the message on the answering machine

"You had this planned to dump me, when I went to rehab" You never called me when I was in there for 28 days. And now its been 8 months and you havent called me once!! - Do you have someone else?...I should have seen this years ago, it started when your grandmother got divorced (umm,like 65 years ago)...Are you sleeping with your moms husband, is that why you are so ashamed you cant talk to me?.....Wedding vows, do you know they mean?....You had this all planned to dump me...I drank when you first meet me, alcoholism is a diesase, you know that so why are you dumping me?

OMG....His mind is so out there!! It is un-real!!!!

OMG....Today, I felt so sad.
Where is the strong man I married? O
nce again, living inside of the vodka bottle!
Im pissed! Im sad! And I told him that.
I told him I was pissed that he left his family & marriage for a freaking bottle!
Im really pissed, Im really sad and I deserve to have those feelings!
If you would get sober, you would understand more about how I feel, instead of the poor me crap.....You would understand, your an alcoholic and its your choice. I can not fix you only you can do it for you.

He asked me if I was in a recovery program. I told him yes, its not always easy, but Im working on me. And as far as "feelings" I have lots of them. Some of them I have dealt with and some Im not ready to yet, and thats okay..

Yes I love him, but cant not live with him. I love the memories of who he use to be...This person now, I dont know and I dont like, and thats okay.

I cant live, taking care of a 50 year baby. I cant work my butt off everyday to support his drinking habits....

In a 1-1/2 months he has drank $2100 worth of vodka, hard to believe he use to make that kind of money in a few days at work. Now, he has a salary job, that is close to minimum wage. And that job is a real challenge for him. Its a job that a kid could do....

When he moved across the country, he packed one bag of clothes. He doesnt ask about clothes, if I need money, if I need food or even if the house has sold.....

Before the diesase progressed, I never had to worry about much. He always took care of stuff. He was the provider of the home.

This post is not to come across as poor me, its not meant to sound angry.
It is written to un-leash my feelings about how I felt today

When they say "Alcohol is progressive diesase" Believe me, its true, I have seen it with my own eyes

Where is the husband I married? I ask myself this over and over. I know where he is....It just feels like a really bad dream
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Old 07-18-2011, 10:00 PM
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Oh BobbyJ - big hugs to you tonight.

It isn't a really bad is a totally suck-a$$ reality. I hate alcoholism and what it does to people. So sad.

He sounded drunk in the last call...IMHO.

I ask myself the same questions. The answer is a pretty bitter pill to swallow - I married a fraud. Oh, he didn't mean to be...I understand that. But he did lie to me and led me to believe we were going to live one kind of life and ended up living this one. But *SIGH* I believed him, too.

You did the right thing, letting him go to find his own way. You're right, this is his choice.

Just sucks, though, huh?! Hang in there.
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Old 07-18-2011, 10:10 PM
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My story is different but I have asked myself that very same question. It is just so sad that the man I married is partially gone because of a disease. It is so sad that he will be completely gone if he allows his disease to begin progressing again. I grieve for the person he was.
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Old 07-19-2011, 05:06 AM
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For many years my second husband would call me (once a year or so) to "chat"--and he was always drunk. I kept the calls VERY short, ended with, "Well, I have to go, please take care of yourself," and HUNG UP.

Yeah, he'd leave the odd message about our marriage vows, the fact that I kept his name (long story, but I'd already changed the name, didn't want to change it again, it sounds good with the first name). I just deleted.

It isn't worth even engaging or encouraging as long as they are still drinking. Pointless, upsetting. No reason to do it.

Hugs, hope you can let go a little more today.
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Old 07-19-2011, 06:25 AM
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BobbyJ, ((((hugs))))

Yeah this sucks big time. But lets see if we can put a positive spin on this.

Where is the woman who used to be married to him?

She has matured, become strong, self sufficient and independent. She has grown and is growing in a positive direction and living the life that is right for her as she chooses it. She has become someone who accepts herself and reality for what they are and is working on if not already possessing serenity.

She is someone admirable.

Your friend,
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Old 07-19-2011, 07:22 AM
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I am sitting here this morning asking myself pretty much the same thing. Where our stories differ is that we are a few years behind you. My AH is still high functioning, but it seems that maybe slowly starting to change too. His personality is so different. He used to be a confident (maybe even too confident), loving and well spoken man. While he was always somewhat self centered, he seems all consumed with himself at this point. Every time we sit down to talk about our relationship there is never one word of compassion for what his alcoholism has done to me and our relationship. It is all self pity, sometimes lies, with an overtone of him trying to make me feel bad for not being a better wife. I think it has reached that scary point of taking over his personality, drinking or not. The man I love and married 21 years ago seems lost somewhere inside.... and I really, really miss him. It is heartbreaking to see them pick the booze over family, but now at least I know it has nothing to do with me. Hugs.
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