LadyM

I'm a mess today. AH and I have been doing really well, I even got back to the point of thinking that maybe he'll be okay, maybe he's finally growing up (although I just read the 'blinding clarity' thread and that opened up a whole bunch of aha thoughts - thank you!). Maybe he's not really an alcoholic after all (hello denial!) But when it's good I can fool myself sometimes. Yesterday it all came crashing back down.

We spend the weekend at his family's home on an island off the coast. He had a very full weekend taking people out sailing on his boat and my MIL and I took my daughter down to the beach and MIL gave me time to do some art without the wee one, which was super nice of her.

We left the island on sunday afternoon - AH's dad had been sailing with him during the day and they had a great sail with very happy customers. AH had put the boat away and my FIL came to get us off the island. Upon arrival at the dock in the harbor I noticed AH was having a very hard time toting luggage and bags up the dock ramp. He also was slurring and his eyes looked funny. Then he started stumbling as he was loading the car and almost fell off the back of the truck bed. My MIL and I were worried and I asked what was up. He said "I think I'm just sunscorched - I haven't eaten anything all day"

I asked about the sandwich he packed for lunch and he told me he did eat that. I thought he had heat exhaustion or something, until I smelled him. Plus the slurring/stumbling ... he was WASTED. I helped MIL load her car and we chatted in low voices. She asked what was up and I told her I thought he was drunk - really drunk. I could drive his car, but my car was parked at my work - halfway between there and home - and we had to pick it up so I could go to work the next day. She asked if there was any way she could help but we couldn't think of anything. We got in the car, loaded our daughter and dog and I drove. About 10 minutes into the ride any further doubts about his being drunk were erased - he wasn't making any sense and passed out, snoring. DD was in the back (almost 2yrs old) and kept pointing at him saying "uh,oh" as his face was smashed at a funny angle on the seatbelt. Asking about daddy (da-dee nuhnight?) I said yes, daddy's sleeping. She asked why. It broke my heart listening to her try to wake him up, ask him to get her a book, and play her wake up game by saying good morning which usually we play back. But he was passed out. Drunk.

FIL and MIL both called to check if he was sunstroked or drunk. I said definately drunk. FIL was ripped, he couldn't believe it - he told him to watch the beer at one point on the sail and thought he'd only had a couple. He appologized to me for letting AH get away from him. I told him it wasn't his fault, it was AH's fault. FIL asked what I was going to do about my car. I said Ah's issue wasn't going to affect my monday - I was taking DD to daycare in his car and then driving to work. He would have to figure out how to get his car from my work and pick up DD from daycare. His problem wouldn't become my problem.

I got home and couldn't wake AH or get him out so I unloaded the car, walked the dog, fed DD dinner, put away luggage, watered the garden and then was able to pull him by his sweatshirt enough to wake him so he'd get out. He was in the car for 45 minutes. I would have left him there and locked the house doors but it was 90 degrees out and he was in a sweatshirt - I didn't want him to really get heat exhaustion.

He sobered up enough to talk a bit. I asked him what happened. He didn't know. I told him "if you're angry at me .." but he cut me off and said he wasn't, he was disappointed with himself. I said "well that makes two of us"

He figured out the car thing today. I'm still angry over our daughter having to see that - she's almost two, not old enough to understand why daddy won't wake up or play but old enough to know somethings wrong with daddy. And I'm sooooo disappointed, sad and hurt.

What an idiot. Sorry, I know he can't help it right, but he's never been this bad ... during a charter, during the day, in front of family and our daughter. I guess that means I'm embarrassed too huh.

And I thought it was getting better. What an idiot.

returntonormal

I know just how you feel - the weight of disappointment, the ache in my heart, the sheer evidence that I'm on my own. And the pain of knowing there's no explanation to give to your child(ren). It really hurts.

I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. It sounds like you're doing the right thing for you, which is fantastic.

hwsm

Wow. I know the feeling of dissapointment. You get your hopes up, let your guard down, and just when you get comfortable......they do it again. And again. I even told myself that I was setting my expectations very low so I wouldn't be dissappointed again. But I was and it still hurts. He's the idiot. You deserve so much better.

Freedom1990

So what does your daughter's future look like for you?

I ask because my 33-year-old AD lived her life around active alcoholism/addiction for her first 8 years of life.

It affected her profoundly.

She's addicted to narcotics. She's a rage-aholic. She's a compulsive overeater who is morbidly obese. She picks the sickest men for companions. This has had a profound effect on my grandchildren too.

That wasn't a future I would have chosen for her or my grandkids.

This disease is the gift that keeps on giving from generation to generation until someone says enough and stops the cycle.

Just some food for thought.

Alone22

Heartbreaking... such a sad sad disease. I have been disappointed so many times now that I have finally accepted that it is just who he is and is very unlikely to change. My AH just relapsed after about 2 months of sobriety. Not sure I can really even call it a relapse after such a short time... more like another failed attempt. Bigs hugs to you. I know how hard this is.

LadyM

The story continues...

Last night he was able to talk more about what happened on Sunday. Apparently he unknowingly had one beer that was 9.5% alcohol content. (He took out a brewing company and they brought some of their stock for the sail) He said he "pounded" it too fast () and it "put him over the edge."

I commented that I was surprised because I didn't think that one strong beer would make somebody blackout drunk. How many regular beers did he have before that one? He got defensive and said "I don't know" He kept insisting that it was that one beer (not his fault - the evil, sneaky, unknown 9.5% beer's fault) He even said his buddy tried one and didn't think he could drive either. I said I bet, but was he blacked out/passed out drunk off that one strong beer? He got angry and left the room for a minute. When he returned he apologized ... again. I means very little to me without change or him taking responsibility for his own decisions. He wanted to just forget and move on. i'm not ready this time - I won't put my feelings aside because he wants to hide from this issue.

I told him that I was still upset, less because of me and more because our daughter had to witness her father passed out drunk in the car and she can't tell him her side of this. I don't want her to see that - it broke my heart and it can't happen again (probably the wrong thing to say but I couldn't help it). He said he was sorry. I told him that sorry doesn't always fix it - that it doesn't give him free reign to do something like that again and say sorry and it's all better.

He got angry and said - I said I was sorry and I feel really bad about what happened. I don't want to listen to this or talk about it anymore. When you're ready to accept my apology and move on let me know! And he stomped off.

After a bit we were getting dinner I told him I still felt upset and didn't feel that it was right for me to push aside my feelings just because he wanted to move on and forget about it. I said "it's a big deal. and I need to talk about it - it's not just about the car issue or the fact he was passed out in the car for 45 minutes before I could get him out it was about his choices and how they are effecting his family. He said that he just wants to move on because it wasn't cool but it happened. He said 'sometimes you just have to let go and live it up a bit." I said, yes - however when it's 4-5 nights a week it's not a minor thing and you have to think - it's not okay to forget that you have other responsibilities or people depending on you. I was not okay with it at all.

He said fine, if you don't like it you can just leave me alone and don't be around me.
That's the second time in 4 months he's picked drinking over me and his daughter. I'm so sick of this. Yet I was so sad last night thinking about him not loving me and his daughter. It hurts too.

GettingBy

Your husband has a disease... it's called alcoholism. He can't control his drinking. Period.

Nothing you say will change that for him. You can't control it. You can't cure it. And you sure as heck didn't cause it.

All the talking in the world isn't going to get him healthy. I know what you want... you want a healthy husband who is present for you and your daughter... but you have to accept the reality of what you have... a sick husband who can't be there for you. He just can't.

So, it's up to you to step up to the plate and take care of you and your daughter. If you don't want your daughter to witness such behavior - YOU have to do something to protect her from him. Telling him to control it... is NOT going to work. He can give you all the promises in the world... but he CAN'T keep them. He can't because he's an alcoholic.

You have to learn to have Plan B's, and C's... and maybe even D's. You need to be prepared to do whatever you need to do to seperate/detach from his drinking/behavior to protect you and your daughter.

Al-anon has really helped me learn how to take care of ME. Put ME and my children first and foremost. Please consider giving it a shot!

Hugs to you,
Shannon

Alone22

Not to be too blunt but it sounds like quaking to me. You are right he is not taking responsibility and you have every right to feel your feelings. The biggest thing I have learned is that their alcoholism has nothing to do with you or not loving you (or your daughter). Although logically we can sit here and say they are picking booze over family therefore they must not love us enough, it simply is not a place for logic. This is a different beast that defies logic! Must be why talking, yelling, begging, threatening etc really just doesn't work. They only thing that might get them to understand is consequences, and even that is not enough sometimes. It is a baffling disease.

Jazzman

Who told you that? He sure can help it, he can get sober and stay sober. Lots of alcoholics have done that.

LadyM

Getting By - You're absolutely right. I know. In my head I know. My heart keeps wavering lately. I'm scared. It was all so clear and easy when I was angry. Now I don't want to go - even when I'm not happy. I keep thinking that we just have to work it out - it'll all get better. I'm crazy and I know it. Some days I feel so strong - like I can do it all, leave and find a better life for me and my daughter. Then I have this voice that says it's not worth the hassle of fighting, the emotional rollercoaster, it can be so easy to keep going where I am because it's known, but it's not healthy to stick with something just because it's easy. I've been having good days and bad lately. One day I can see so clearly and the next I'm back to where I started - hoping and reasoning where there is not hope or reason. I'm sad now where a month ago all the fueled me was anger and resentment - it can make you strong but this sadness is so painful I don't think it makes me stronger it just makes me tired. Then I start to regress in my own healing. And I'm scared of the unknown - how would it all work? My parents have been married for 34 years, my in-laws the same, I feel like a marriage is work and sacrifice. I can't fix this and he doesn't want to so a choice is forced on me by this disease. I can't argue or reason with it and that's really hard for me because it's in my nature to see logic.

I see in my writing lately that I keep saying 'hard' and 'but' ... why can't I stop this circle. I'm scared right now and that emotion is weakening my strength and clouding my sight.

m1k3

LadyM,

1st: (((( hugs ))))

2nd: Now, what are you going to do to protect your daughter?

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

You are not responsible for him, ever. You are responsible for yourself and your daughter. As the adult child of an alcoholic father I can honestly say that no child deserves to live like that.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Edit: As for him nothing you can say or do will convince him to get better. He will do that only when he is ready, if ever.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.


Your friend,

GettingBy

Al-anon... give it a shot.