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immediate help?

Old 07-01-2011, 12:58 AM
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immediate help?

What do you do at night when you are at your lowest. I am cuddled up in bed with our baby girl trying to keep her life in tact and the house is dark and I'm wide awake. I cannot bare this pain right now. My heart feels panicky when it crosses my mind that RAH is just doing whatever he pleases and is not responsible for me or our baby girl. He wants to "see" her but that's it. He doesn't care what she's going through missing him. He said I'm drama because she's 3 and couldn't possibly miss him that much. I hate him, I'm crying one minute, trying to be his friend the next for sake of co-parenting. I'm all over the radar. I read another thread about the emotional abuse an alcoholic does and I could've written that thread verbatum. I'm trying to stay on this site because its healthy. Part of me wants to get in my car and drive to where he is or pick up my phone and send a text...I really feel like I am losing it. Literally, if he were dead this would be easier because this way, he is choosing to disregard me and our family. It is like a death because I don't know him this way! I know I will get through eventually but I don't know how to get through the night, the small moments when I am so lonely or angry moments without losing my mind.
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Old 07-01-2011, 05:16 AM
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I hope you were able to get some rest. As much as you are able, as soon as you are able, shift the focus away from what he is doing or not doing to what you want and what you need for yourself and your child.

I don't know if you are in Al-Anon, but I found them, along with reading Codependent No More to be very helpful.

Keep coming back and posting. Many of us have been in your shoes.
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Old 07-01-2011, 05:22 AM
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You have a warm bed to sleep in, a roof over your head, and a three year old who probably thinks you hung the moon by your side.

His loss if he wants to throw all that away. Focus on what's good in your life, and the things you can change, instead of obsessing over the things you can't. I know too well how hard it is to get out of a funk, but you can do it, I know you can. Next time make a gratitude list, from A-Z, for things you are thankful for in your life. It helps me sometimes.

Sending you prayers and hugs
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Old 07-01-2011, 05:25 AM
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Aawww sweetwalls...I know how hard it is. I know how it breaks your heart to look at your daughter and wish things were different for her sake. But kitty is right...you've got to focus on YOU and YOUR DAUGHTER right now. Trying to understand how they do what they do...why they do it....will drive you insane. There is no logic. The addiction has taken over. Please try to let him go....leave him in God's care...and put your energy into making a better life for you and your sweet little girl.

Hang in there...
It'll get better if you keep the focus on you and off of him.

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Old 07-01-2011, 05:40 AM
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I am sorry for your pain. The feelings that you are expressing are quite normal for someone going through a marital breakup.

Alanon would be a great source of help to you as well as the gratitude list. Your life is in tact, you have your daughter, you have the ability to care for her properly, does the rest really matter? I think not.

Give yourself some time, you will heal. It will get easier.
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Old 07-01-2011, 06:23 AM
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You are a lot stronger than you think you are.

Please do start getting to Al-Anon. It will help you find those lost parts of you--the parts that can manage on your own.

Your daughter misses her daddy, but she has a mommy who can take good care of her ALL the time. Kids always miss whoever isn't there, but if they are safe and well-cared for, they will survive it.

For both of your sakes, though, you need to work on YOU. Your daughter will pick up on your own fear unless you learn to deal with it. It's a process, and it takes some time, but you will get there. You will be stronger for it, and a better mom for it.

Hugs,
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Old 07-01-2011, 08:15 AM
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Good Morning everyone. It was nice to wake up these responses. I feel better. I have another Alanon meeting tonight. I am going to keep busy this holiday weekend. I guess I am in this mode where I am doing all the right things on the outside even if I'm hurt on the inside. I need to stay away and have no contact and it has to be just a shift in thought. I even decided that when I go out of town I am just going to leave my cell at home so I won't be tempted to engage in any contact whether it be negative or positive. I'm going to grieve for him but its a bonus because he gives me child support from the grave...ha ha ha. Wow, I made a joke! 1st time in days! Its a beautiful day and the first day of my new life!
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Old 07-01-2011, 08:39 AM
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Originally Posted by sweetteewalls View Post
Its a beautiful day and the first day of my new life!
Amen, STW. Have a great day!
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Old 07-01-2011, 08:52 AM
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I agree Al-NON would be a great source for help for you.
I understand where you are coming from and and have dealt with the same feelings. We are all in this together. That is why you came here.

Best of luck
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Old 07-01-2011, 09:37 AM
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I agree. I am going to Alanon and weekly therapy but I just struggle in the alone times at night when I have nothing to do left but think and that's when it's hardest. I keep busy all day, waking hours but when I am alone...I don't know what to do. Maybe I shouldn't be hard on myself and just allow myself to feel those things for the time being...
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Old 07-01-2011, 09:48 AM
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First of all, when I hit my bottom on all of this chaos, I dragged myself into my healthcare provider and talked about anti-depressants (not medical advice, just sharing my ES&H).

Then I took advice from here and Al-Anon and began to use that down time (the lonely nights) productively...I started a journal. And I read.

Lastly, some nights I just simply watch TV and "vegged" on the couch.

You are in a transition period in your life. My wise Mom calls then AFGE's (another f-bomb growth experience) and they are painful and disorienting. I felt very surreal for many months. It is now that I am finally feeling some sense of normal again. New routines feel comfortable now. New surroundings feel safe now. I feel far more normal in my own skin today then I did that dark January that I first posted here.

You are reaching out and talking about this - that is so important to helping stop the overwhelming sense of loneliness. And each time you post, you sound stronger. Keep it up! There is no quick fix, but you are well on your way!
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Old 07-01-2011, 09:49 AM
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You sound so much better this morning Sweet. I know at night when I can't sleep I can really start spinning. I try to remind myself that in the middle of the night our brains can't think or function to clearly. I tell myself to let it go for tonight and take a look at it in the morning. It seems like by morning whatever I was fretting about in the middle of the night was not as overwhelming the next day. By morning I am able to logically think through stuff and come up with a plan of what I need to do to move forward. One day at a time and you will get through this!
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Old 07-01-2011, 09:52 AM
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Oh one more thing I thought of. You may want to look into some meds to help you sleep at night. Something that will get your brain to turn off. I few times I have used anti anxiety meds very short term to help me through difficult times and it really helped a lot.
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Old 07-01-2011, 10:16 AM
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Yes I will go to the dr. today. Just called. Ok everyone, wish me luck! =)
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Old 07-01-2011, 12:18 PM
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Hi there. I just saw your post to me on the other thread I started. You will get through this, but yes, I'm glad you made an appt. to go see a Dr. to get something to help you sleep. I can only imagine your mind in a million different places right now and throw your health into the mix, doesn't help things. Stay strong and like you told me, keep posting, we are here to support one another through all of this. I am going to try to get to my first alanon meeting in the next two weeks as soon as I can. Stay strong and get some sunshine this weekend if you can
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Old 07-01-2011, 05:09 PM
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Just be careful you don't use any of those sleep meds to avoid ALL painful thinking. That's how addictions get started!

What helped me at night when I first got sober (which is as disorienting, in a way, as what you are going through) is curling up in bed with a good book and a little cup of ice cream. The book I read weren't heavy stuff--it was escape-type stuff. (I highly recommend Harry Potter, lol). I just read as late as I needed to until my eyes felt sleepy. It now takes me about 15 minutes of reading until I am ready to fall asleep at the drop of my head. A nice hot shower or bath helps, too.

Good idea escaping without the cell phone for awhile!
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Old 07-01-2011, 06:54 PM
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Glad you are in therapy and getting some support. If you need more, reach out for it where ever you can. I think what you are experiencing is grief. It will come in waves. Just know that when you are feeling your lowest that you will feel better by the next day. Each day it will get a bit easier.

It is hard when you have a small child and find yourself thinking about all the future possibilities with fear but just focus on the here and now. Your daughter, coping with your pain and healing.

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Old 07-01-2011, 08:10 PM
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Well I went to dr. today and he didn't prescribe me anything. He said that he believes I am doing the right thing therapy wise and to come back and give that 30 days. Afterward, I took my daughter to the local Aquarium and she loves animals. I took tons of pics of her. It was a little rough cuz it seemed like every family had a dad there but us but I think I know the reality is there are many single mothers out there. It took all my energy not to send him a pic of her like I usually would to keep him in the loop. He is missing these moments because he chose to. So now we just got home and I am pooped from all that walking and carrying a heavy 3 yr old girl who should have walked more but I am coddling her right now. (Hey, I can admit it.) So we just ordered a pizza and will eat it and maybe a movie and I am sure will be tired after that so I am giving myself an "A" for today. One day at a time is all I can do.
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Old 07-01-2011, 08:18 PM
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When my abusive husband first left me I was devastated. The nights were beyond horrible. What helped me was either falling asleep to the TV or reading until I was utterly exhausted and couldn't keep my eyes open. Anything that took the focus off of thinking about the past or him got me through the nights. It will get better, just takes time.
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Old 07-01-2011, 08:20 PM
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Good job, mom!

All that walking and carrying might help you sleep better tonight, too.

I give you and "A", too.
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