Notahappyhour

I signed up for this forum because I don't know where else to turn. I met my fiance 2 years ago. She is extremely intelligent, outgoing, everyone loves her, has a large circle of friends and is beautiful inside and out. When we first met she told me that she drank everyday for 7 years in her previous marriage because she was so miserable in the relationship. I blew it off because I had never been in that environment and thought she perhaps was exaggerating. She has 4 kids and surely she wouldn't drink everyday as she carried them. Prior to our engagement we dated and most of the time it was spending time together going out either together or with friends. I am not a drinker but she put them away at such an alarming rate that I felt compelled to have 1 or 2 drinks in order to not look like a wuss. She would have black outs, lose her keys, wallet, purse. She would never want to leave the bar and insist that we stay until it closes or find another bar, typically wanting to hop from bar to bar. When we became engaged it became worse and I started to shut down. Not wanting to go out made it worse as she insisted that she wanted to go out with her friends. She began staying out late, not calling or texting and coming in at 6:00 or 10:00 in the morning. She is not a cheater and I was never concerned for that because I knew where she was for the most part everytime she went out but she would become so consumed with alcohol that it seems like I was in second place at all times. She has the ability to drink 8 martinis, 4 to 6 beers and shots and still get up in the morning like nothing ever happened. Our life typically consists of her drinking from 12:00 noon to till 4 in the morning when the bars close. I love her so much and want to love her unconditionally but she told me that her parents are heavy drinkers. Her father drinks every night and that's the environment that she is use to and she wants to be accepted for her "one" flaw. I don't know what else to do because it has ruined our relationship. She says she can stop at anytime but when I've asked she's acknowledged that she needs help but doesn't have a cut off valve but then she's back at it again the next day. She only drinks heavily on the weekends, Friday, Saturday, sometimes Sunday. The rest of the time it's 2 or 3 glasses of wine or beer a day. I love her so much but I don't know what to do. Everyone says it will only get worse.


I just really need someone to point me in the right direction. She will never change I can assure you that. Her parents are a great example of how to function in life as an alcoholic as they have very successful careers. Her friends are all heavy drinkers and she seeks them out for that connection. I think I'm answering my own question as I'm typing this but when you're in love it's hard to understanding logic and the need to move on. I love myself, I truly do but I think I love her more.


Thank you for any help or suggestions.

catlovermi

I hope you'll stick around and check out a lot of threads and particularly the "sticky" threads at the top of the list of topics.

Most people end up here for the first time because something in them is sending up warning flares that things are not right.

You'll find a whole community of folks here who know exactly what sort of experiences you are having, and are about to have!

Sometimes we start off lite and slow responding to new folks, because there is a lot to assimilate, coming to terms with addiction and the ramifications.

CLMI

theuncertainty

Hi, Notahappyhour and welcome to SR. It does tend to slow down on the weekends, but others will be by to lend ESH and in the mean time, there is a lot of great information in the stickies and other threads, too.

It is a lot to come to grips with, a loved one having a problem with drinking. I am always amazed by the wisdom and strength of people who are new to the forum. I know from being a newbie that I didn't feel strong or wise when I first came here - sometimes (often) still don't. But knowing that we need support and info and asking for it takes a lot of guts.

The first book I ever picked up when trying to find out more about XAH's drinking was "Under the Influence" by Dr. Milam and Ketcham. It was amazingly helpful as I tried to understand WTF was going on with him. I highly recommend it. There are some excerpts in the stickies at the top of the forum.

The book outlines stages in an alcoholic's progression. There's a period where the alcoholic builds up a tolerance. It takes more and more alcohol to take any effect. It kind of sounds like that is where your fiance is.

Wishing you peace and continued strength.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome,

Sorry you are having to deal with this. I second the suggestion that you read "Under the Influence." You can read excerpts from it here.

I also suggest that you check out Al-Anon, and that you take your time with the wedding plans. It generally does get worse, and it never gets better over time. "Functional" is a stage of alcoholism, and not a type. Some people plateau for a while, only to have a precipitous series of alcohol-related disasters strike as things become more out of control.

Stick around, you will get lots of information and support here.

Portia123

Welcome to SR! Please do stick around, read the threads and feel free to post. My RAH is a functional alcoholic too. We love each other very much. This disease is pervasive and I've learned in AlAnon .. You can't cure it, you can't control it, you can only learn as much as you can about the disease so as not to contribute to it. AlAnon has been a great help in my life. I have learned that alcoholism cannot be cured, only arrested. My husband is currently in an outpatient program, he struggles, relapses, but gets back on the horse. Once I learned to take care of myself, while detaching from the behavior "with love", things changed for the better for YOU. My opinion is you can help your AF by learning as much as you can about the disease and taking care of yourself. M

Good luck to you ... :-)

wywriter

Welcome to SR!

I'm sorry to hear that you're facing such a painful decision right now -- leave the one you love, or live with alcoholism. This is the same decision I had to make three years ago. I grew up in an alcoholic household, and when I finally left (at age 15) I was just so relieved to be out of that environment. I swore I would never go back to it.

When I met my AH, I had no idea he was an alocholic...but I knew 10 months after we got together. He started drinking heavier and heavier, and even before his son confirmed it for me it was plain to see that this was a long-standing addiction that he'd put on hold in order to date me. He knew what I thought of alcohol, and didn't resume drinking until we were living together. By the time our wedding date rolled around, I knew very well what I was marrying and chose to do it anyway.

No one can tell you what's right for you -- and trust me, I won't try, because I still don't even know if choosing otherwise would have been right for me, either. Right now I'm to the point where I'm struggling on a daily basis between my feelings for him and what I know is healthy for me and my family. We have a baby together now...he lost his job the day before she was born, after having spent my entire third trimester on suspension for testing positive for alcohol during a random testing at work...he'd been back a week, and drank himself into unresponsiveness while he was on call.

Do you plan to have kids with her? Do you want to be able to enjoy social occasions together? Do you want to be able to depend on her to do what she says she will? What responsibilities are you willing to shoulder when she's too drunk to do it? Are you prepared to outlive her? These are only a few questions you may want to look at very, very carefully before getting married. Thinking about these sorts of things hurts very much, but I think the vast majority of people living with active alcoholics will tell you that they are valid concerns that will become a daily reality for you as she progresses.

Wow, I'm in a dark mood tonight -- sorry if this comes across too strong, but this is coming from someone who can't even sleep in her own bed right now...and tonight I'm really coming to grips with how my life is doomed to stagnation with him, we'll only ever be treading water unless he miraculously decides he'd rather not drink himself to death.

zrx1200R

welcome. And you can search for my previous posts. They say the same thing as this one. Some are more humorous than this one though.

I have been married to an alcoholic for 22 years. She's spent over 100 grand on alcohol. I have no money in savings. Even though I am a well educated professional, we still live paycheck to paycheck.

Your fiancee's drinking will most certainly get worse. My wife was up to 15+ bottles of wine a week. Drunk, passed out as the stay at home parent while I'm out of town. No amount of talking, reasoning, bartering, logic, pleading or love will make her change. Even the threat of loosing everything has not forced her hand. It can't. They have to change because they want to. Not because we want them to.

My advice: Run for the hills as fast as you can and don't look back. Really. Why would anyone knowingly sign up for what I and countless others on this board have endured? My parents saw some of the warning signs, but didn't tell me. Figured I was a grown up and needed to make my own decisions. I'd never been around problem drinkers. I didn't know. Only later did I learn my grandfather was an alcoholic while my father was growing. I sure wish he'd of told me to run away. but he didn't.

If you marry this woman, I predict she will be pregnant within the first year, and stop working soon there after. You will be a single income household, and your vacation and retirement money will be spent on alcohol. And shoes.

Ask yourself if you really love her, or love your intimate time together. Big difference. These alcoholics MUST find a codependent. They can NEVER be with someone like them. They are like a parasite, and you are the host. At first it is a symbiotic relationship. Over time, they consume more and more of the host. Eventually, the original host is lost. Replaced by an empty, friendless and lonely shell.

Find yourself another person. Can you imagine what the rest of your life will be like with someone who is like you? Versus living with an alcoholic?

Good luck.

duqld1717

"Ask yourself if you really love her, or love your intimate time together. Big difference. These alcoholics MUST find a codependent. They can NEVER be with someone like them. They are like a parasite, and you are the host. At first it is a symbiotic relationship. Over time, they consume more and more of the host. Eventually, the original host is lost. Replaced by an empty, friendless and lonely shell."

I have to agree with ZRX. I am that empty lonely shell now. Sometimes I want to crawl out of my skin because I don't want to live like this anymore. I wanna be who I was before I met Satan disguised as a 34 year old charming, outgoing, charismatic man in a suit. The thing is with Alcoholics, is that you aren't dealing with a human being. You are dealing with a chemical that has taken over a human being. And you can never reason with a chemical. And I also feel like that chemical has poisoned my soul along with his. His alcoholism wore me down to a pulp. They are like a virus-if you get close enough you will get infected. Ask yourself this...would you like having your chest hurt, stomach ache and nerves be shot everyday? Well, that is what the anxiety of living with an Alcoholic is..that is if you decide to stick around.

marie1960

Welcome, hope you find the answers that you are searching for. I found the threads, "Quackers", and "Things a normie wouldn't know", to be the most eye opening. It's all laid out for you in black and white. The names are different, but the scenerio is ALWAYS the same.

Successful and healthy marriages need attention daily. The old saying, marriage is work, is true. A person with this disease cannot commit 100% to the marriage. Therefore it is all going to be on you. It is going to be one sided, and most people just cannot and should not have to endure the hardships that this disease causes.

If you want to be with someone that is not in control that is your choice, but be prepared to be lied to on a daily basis. Major mood swings are another daily occurance. You maybe enjoying a social circle now, but that too will end. Others will get tired of being around the nonsense, or you will one day be so embarrassed by your AGF actions will not want to show your face in public. Perhaps things might not get out of hand until after you get home from an evening out, then all hell breaks loose............... and of course the next day they have no recollection of the previous evenings events.

I find this disease to be so very selfish, eventually it will take her away from you, and she will not be the person you fell in love with. All normal rationale will be out the window,and you will be living the same hell, that so many people have posted about.

Nobody can decide for you, but knowing what I know now, I would buy a one way ticket to anywhere, and never look back.

You will never be number one in her life, the Alcohol is her first love, and that is a hard pill to swallow. All my best to you.

grateful101010

Listen to zrx1200R. Where you are now, he once was. Where he is now, you will be if you don't make a change. There are 307 million people in this country, half are women, a quarter of those are the appropriate age for you, 1/3 of those are single, find yourself one who isn't dying.

She's dying , do you want to stick around and watch it? Because you sure can't do anything to stop it, unless you're God. Or her. And none of us are.

Tuffgirl

I am glad you are asking these questions before, and not after, marrying her.

I didn't...I instead chose to make excuses for the drinking. I chose to view the drinking as something - anything - other than what it was. I chose wrong.

I wouldn't do this over again, knowing what I know now. I am separated, and although my husband did seek recovery and is working hard in the issues that led him into alcoholism, I don't know if I have it in me to be the spouse of a recovering alcoholic. I don't know if I can forgive. I know I can't forget.

You have a tough choice to make. Educate yourself. Read about alcoholism. Listen to others, go to a few Al-Anon meetings and open AA meetings. Imagine your life together in the most realistic way possible, not by your version of what this dream will look like.

Take good care, and welcome!
~T

RollTide

I thought that when we got married and he was in a stable environment that it would surely change. Then I thought after he got arrested and went to rehab that it would surely change. I thought the same thing the second time he went to rehab. And when we divorced. And when he broke his ankle drunk. And when he went to rehab the third time.

I honestly didn't know that life could be hell until I married an alcoholic. The biggest regret in my life is not getting out much sooner.

Freedom1990

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. That is, it only gets worse if left untreated and eventually leads to death.

High functioning is a stage, not a type of alcoholism.

Alanon would be a great source of face-to-face support for you.

I am a long-term recovering alcoholic, and also a recovering codependent.

I left my EXAH after 5 years for my own sanity and safety.

He never did find recovery and died at the tender age of 47.

NoAlcoholToday

There is a lot of emotion involved in some of the replies here.

I have been a high functioning alcoholic for a decade. My best advice to you would be to see if you can get her to have some blood tests. I have recently discovered that alcoholism is very closely related to the way the vital organs behave based on volatile blood sugar levels. Before you run for the hills, find out if she is diabetic. Also google "hypoglycemic" and "hyperglycemic". And dont ever let anyone convince you that she is choosing alcohol over you. Believe me, it is not easy being an alcoholic and there isn't too much choice involved in the matter.

skippernlilg

Shouldn't a medical professional that *she* consults determine all this? If OP observes her drinking and then her behavior, then the exocrine/endocrine system of the pancreas would definitely take the overload of alcohol sugars into a possible overload does not matter if she's hyper- or hypo- glycemic! That's the point of how damaging this DOC (drug of choice) is to the physical body and also the psychological, behaviorial, mental, and spiritual aspects of us humans.

No, I also do not think an alcoholic willingly chooses alcohol over you. It's not a will thing. The alcohol is in control, not the alcoholic or anyone else involved with the alcoholic. So, the alcoholic really can't see past the DOC, no matter how hard s/he tries. Not until real recovery.

Notahappyhour

Thank you everyone for your post. I really do see there are many like me that have gone thru and are going thru this. I'm 36 and she is 29. We have a lot of life to live and I so much want to live it with her. I'm a decent guy and I know that if I completely shut her out of my life I can find someone else eventually but I just feel in my heart that I've found the woman that I don't want to live without. We actually broke up due to her getting drunk and coming in at 7 in the morning. We have since tried to work on putting our relationship back together but unfortunately she's hit rock bottom and admitted that she's been drunk everyday since we've been apart. We met earlier this week just to spend time together and she became so drunk that she refused to even leave the bar and allow me to drive her home because she wanted to stay until the bar closed. I know she loves me (and she proves that to me everyday, even after our breakup) and I know there is a sweet, beautiful, human being in there. I know I'm thinking with my heart and not with logic. And I think to myself that unconditional love should see her thru this and that maybe she will change. She's worked hard everyday of her life and has supported herself and her kids, with a little help from her affluent parents but she's given me no indication that she would not continue to be a supportive wife in the future. Her father as I mentioned is also an alcoholic and he thrives as a successful businessman.

I know that our breakup triggered the downward spiral of her drinking but beforehand she made excuses for every drink she had. She's never violent just obstinant when she drinks and often times embarrasing.

We are taking baby steps to repair what we had but everytime she wants to meet it's always over drinks. She gets angry if I'm not drinking and acts as if we sit there and just have drinks without practically saying a word that it's a "fun" time. But if I try to talk about our relationship or her drinking then she shuts me off and say's that she can't take it. My parents tell me constantly that I'm going to end up caring for 4 kids while she goes out and drinks everynight with her friends and eventually we will have nothing as she not only drinks insessently but is a binge shopper. So zrx1200r was exactly right with the "shoe buying" comment. She has a closet full and although she has no job she went out and purchased 11 pair the other day before she and I met to talk about where our relationship is headed.

I know that I sound like an idiot. I consider myself an educated person but when it comes to matters of the heart I obviously have no clue. This is one woman I just don't want to be without. She constantly blames me for the breakup and says that I need to do A, B and C to fix it but when I talk about the drinking she simply agrees but does nothing about it. Only says that it's her coping mechanism.


Help

suki44883

Not sure how much help we can be other than what has already been said. If you are bound and determined to continue a relationship with this girl, you have seen what you are in for. Nothing is going to change unless she gets help for her addiction. It doesn't sound like she wants to do that, so, what you've seen is what you are going to get, except it will get worse. Alcoholism is progressive. Only you can decide what you are willing to live with.

LexieCat

It IS her coping mechanism. That's exactly what it is. The thing is, if she doesn't replace it with something better, she will continue to spiral downward.

The "something better" won't be you. You can't fix this. As much as you love her and support her and reason with her and give her chances, you won't be able to fix it. If love could do it, there would be no alcoholics, because they tend to choose the most loving, patient people in the world. If we could have fixed ours, we would have.

Stick around here, try some Al-Anon meetings, learn about alcoholism. You do NOT sound like an idiot--this stuff is foreign territory for anyone who hasn't had to deal with it before. Please keep an open mind. There is a lot to learn.

kittykitty

Well then there's your answer. Some people are happy with a partner that they can only love 50% of the time, because the other 50% they are drunk, lying, stealing, or passed out. But if that's your thing, then go for it.

You might not realize it, but based on your posts you're in just as much denial as she is. You say you know she's not going to get better, and in fact it has already gotten worse, but you just can't be without her. It sounds like you are more addicted to her than she is to alcohol. I would look into that if I were you.

We all deserve better, and so do you. Live is too short to live it with someone who can't enjoy it with you because they are sitting in a bar, waiting for it to close.

Freedom1990

Her life will become more and more centered on alcohol. Again, it is a progressive disease, and you will always play second fiddle to the alcohol.

Please do look into attending some Alanon meetings for yourself, and I also suggest reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.