ANEWAUGUST

I am sorry for your pain.

Why did you overlook her drinking earlier?

Who knows, sometimes I think we become entranced in the thrill and excitement that an active alcoholic can create. Maybe we want to save them, maybe we believe it will change.....who knows?

The important thing is that you recognized it, and are taking the actions necessary for your happiness.

Freedom1990

Isn't that the truth? It's the kids who will pay the price over and over.

blueblooms14

I'm only 23 days into "No Contact" with someone I had become very attached to, and that I had wanted to have my happily-ever-after with, so this is pretty fresh for me; no sage here.

Now I see I wanted him to fit into something he didn't or couldn't fit into. I too set aside early warning signs that he couldn't/didn't fit what I wanted.

Right now I'm working on choosing the thoughts I have about it. I also saw the end of the relationship as a failure, but now I am counting the end of the relationship as a success story. By choosing to not live the type of life he and I had in our relationship, I discovered something about myself and affirmed myself and my life, what I want, who I am, what I value and hope for. That's what you did too. So, to turn it around some, our dating processes were successful; we learned what we didn't want. Not condemning her/him, but defining and affirming a way of living ourselves. It's a validation and a choice, the exercise of free will. It's easier for me to look at it that way.

Notahappyhour

I overlooked it because I had little to know experience with an alcoholic, let alone one that was completely functional and had her life together. I didn't notice the patterns until we moved in together and then our weekends of just dating and having fun (with drinks on her part) turned into a constant focus. The plan was always centered around alcohol, even the wedding planning centered on alcohol and how important it was for us to have our favorite drinks and wine there and a lot of it. Once I started to count the number of drinks she consumed and how quickly she did so I came to realize that she did have a major problem, to which she agreed and then told me more about her past. She always asked me to help her or vowed about she become puking drunk that she would never drink like that again. But she would be back at it the next weekend just as bad. I love her so I was blinded because she spoke my love language and was a great person when she was sober. She was never bad just obnoxious when she drank. My final straw was when she came home at 8 in the morning after getting hammered at the bar with her girlfriends and subsequently I kicked her out and broke off the engagement. That marked the 3rd time she had done that to me and I told her the second time if she did it then she could not live with me. She has to respect me and our relationship not the alcohol. So now, we are dating and working on the engagement. Square one. She still has a ring and we still have the same feelings just are now both more guarded.

suki44883

My thoughts: Nothing has changed. She still drinks as much as she wants. You still think she drinks too much. She still has the ring. What has changed? Go back and read this thread from the beginning. You started to make some headway but then, somehow, got back on the roller coaster. She isn't doing anything differently than before. What has changed?

grateful101010

How many final straws do you have?

littlefish

I hate to bring up some negative things, but it sounds like what you think is going back to square one and working on the engagement is the dismantling of any boundaries you established with the breakup. You are the one that is guarded. Do you really think she is?

As an alcoholic who obviously is adept at using people, (living in a house her parents bought her, using her parents as proxy parents while she parties every weekend, staying out all night on you three times but you have apparently taken her back)...it sounds like she has now widened the limits of how far she can go with you.
I hope you don't find that observation brutal. But I have seen brutal.

My father and brother, both alcoholics, falsified my mothers signature while she lay in the hospital after a major stroke and cleaned out one of her savings accounts. They drank that money up in less than a year. The last 8 years of my life I have been the recipient of a steady stream of requests for money from my three alcoholic brothers: always new stories about new dramas and a desperate need for money. Always lies. And when I didn't send them money: bitter, hateful e-mail tirades.

Last summer one of my brothers died alone, living in his car, in the parking lot outside a VA hospital, the back seat of the car was piled with empty Vodka bottles and wrappers from junk food. He was by then incontinent, you can imagine what the car smelled like. He had lost all his teeth 10 years ago to alcoholism. You mention your fiancé is beautiful: this brother was a very handsome man when he was 29.

My father died living in a shelter for homeless men. He was a handsome man too.

The brother closest to my age is an alcoholic, (all my siblings are/were alcoholics), and mentally ill. He has suffered permanent brain damage from stroking, from blows to the head he received while in a drunken fight.

My brothers and father didn't do all these terrible things and terrible things didn't happen to them because they were bad people. They were completely in the clutches of this disease and nothing else mattered to them but the next drink.

There is only one solution for her: that she acknowledges she is an alcoholic and stops drinking.

It sounds, unfortunately, that she is far, far from reaching that point. She blames other people for her drinking, and that is never a good sign: it makes it all the harder for the alcoholic to recover when they blame others and are delusional about the causes of their drinking. Her "ex" didn't make her drink. She would have drank no matter who she was with. After all, she is drinking with you.
My husband didn't make me drink. Life problems didn't make me drink. I believe that I drank because I was born with the disease of alcoholism: I believe there is a genetic predisposition, (look at my family!)
I hope you understand that marriage will tie you closer to this alcoholic: are you really sure you want to make a deeper commitment when IMHO...speaking as a alcoholic myself: she is quickly sliding down into the abyss. It is not going to be pretty.

Babyblue

An active alcoholic mom is not a capable mom.

From what you've described those kids seem to be in a precarious situation.

You said that 'she is in there somewhere'. No she is there, right in front of you. That IS who she is at this point in her life. And only she can really do something about it and sounds like she is a very long way from that.

Glad you are taking so much of the great advice here to heart.

Notahappyhour

You bring up a very valid point. And yes, I am having relapses emotionally because my heart at times is thinking more than my brain. I'm trying to remain positive about the situation but I am so low at this point, today after I spoke with her, that all I can think about is why does this have to happen. We were tentatively going to spend time together and again talk about where we are going in our relationship, unfortunately she says that she could not find a babysitter as the grandparents are out of town and we are trying not to reinvolve the children in this situation. I told her that I understood as she said she was going to just stay in with the kids tonight. I then sent her a text later that evening to which she responded that she was out on the town and would talk with me tomorrow. She frequents the local bar just a block from my house and the bartenders know her by name. It rips my heart out because I feel cheated on everytime by alcohol. She says it drives her brain crazy when she's just sitting inside the house, especially with the kids demanding her attention every minute, which is the case. They can be sweet at times but are very spoil and have little to no manners. When she walks in the room they go completely haywire and I see it on her face that it gets under her skin to the point that she finally begins to scream at them. Then she blames it on me that she did it because she knew I couldn't tolerate their unruliness. Which yes, I do feel they need to be disciplined when they are out of order, which is something she and I constantly disagree upon.

I feel like the outcast now in my own "relationship" because I chose not to drink and be her protector. Now she's replaced me with her sister and friends to get her home when she is wasted. No this isn't the kind of relationship or starting over I want and I know that she will get up tomorrow, contact me as if nothing happened. Agree to be with me as long as we go somewhere that she can purchase alcohol. She will definitely be drinking by 11am which is her pattern on the weekends, 11am to 2am and then over her friends house for more drinks. I've asked her to find new friends, couples that we can relate to and her reply was typically, "I don't want to be friends with so and so. We have nothing in common. They don't drink. They just sit around the house."

I guess I'm writing all this just to look back at it and realize that I need to wake up. There are so many other people out there that can be right for me and bring me so much joy. I've dedicated half of my life and time lately to researching this disease, trying to get help for her, trying to get closure for myself, trying to stop from having a nervous breakdown because I put myself out there for a woman that was not capable of breaking free from an addiction that may one day ruin her if she doesn't get help. I keep telling myself it's not my problem. I have my own set of problems now to deal with. She hasn't even looked into help nor recognizes that she needs to stop. In fact just the opposite. Our time apart is the reason for her to drink more because I broke off the engagement.The more I keep in contact with her in hopes of repairing a broken engagement the more I'm just going to keep hurting because the real issue isn't putting a relationship back together but it's fixing a major problem that will only get worse unless she acknowledges it and does something about it.

She seems to crave it more and more lately. Even my sister that lives far away said that everynight when she reads her facebook status it always says something to the effect of "having drinks with friends". My sister told my mother that she was afraid I would become an alcoholic if I stayed with her. That's very hurtful and eye opening for me to think that my sister would think that because I really value what my sister says. If other people are recognizing this and they live several states away then myself that is living it every day should recognize and walk away before things get worse. My family constantly tell me I have more to lose in all of this if I stay in it. If we marry and she continues down this path and we divorce, then I'm the one that will lose out even more so financially, emotionally etc.

I seriously need to get closer to God and church and find a good woman. I think my morals are so out of wack that I would never have tolerated this behavior among a friend, let alone a fiance, 10-15 years ago.

All of you are helping me so much to move towards closure and understanding that it isn't going to change and that she is a slave to the disease and I will always be second place to it. I really could give all of you big hugs right now. I'm a grown man and I have literally been brought to my knees by a woman and a 16oz bottle.

Notahappyhour

I had my first drink at 24. from that point I may of had 1 or 2 drinks every 3 or 4 months. My parents do not drink at all and it was never in our home. Fast forward and when I met my ex I begin to drink just to try to keep up with her and prevent her comments that I was not having fun, was being anti social or not enjoying the moment. If I drank and said nothing to her the entire time she would look at me and say that she is having so much fun but if I didn't drink and tried to hold a full conversation with her, with trying being the operative word, she would look at me and say, "why are you not having fun?". Once I stopped drinking her demeanor would completely change. I then became like a third wheel to her and the alcohol. She would then want to call her drinking buddies and have them meet us so she could continue the drinking. I asked her why she did that after her morning hangover to which she replied, "I do that because you act as if you don't enjoy being with me".

Geesh! I used to be so strong emotionally. Didn't put up with any crap from anyone, now all I do in this relationship is put up with it. She cried to me that she didn't know of any man that would accept her and her 4 kids and I did that willingly, she asked me to ask her father for her hand in marriage and let him know I would take care of her and I did, she wanted a beautiful home for the family and I purchased it, everything she had asked for I gave it to her because she was going to be my forever and she was convinced of the same.

catlovermi

This says it all, in one sentence.

Sending support.

CLMI

tjp613

NotaHH -- God, I feel your pain! It leaps from the screen! My heart aches for you because I remember what that feels like and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. However, the blessing here is that you are taking some very important steps in your life by coming here to SR, facing reality, gaining acceptance, and saving yourself from what would most likely be a very miserable future. I know it doesn't feel like it, but to us veterans THIS is a cause for celebration. Another life spared!

This is a pivotal moment for you. You have opened your eyes and things will never look the same again. Now is the time to work on ACCEPTANCE that she is in no way, shape or form ready to get sober. She is losing a wonderful man and it hasn't phased her drinking in the slightest. She is very, very sick. And more importantly, there is nothing you can do to help her while still active in her life.

How do you feel about going No Contact? It's the quickest way to accomplish two things: 1) She feels very swift and painful consequences, and 2) it's the quickest way for you to get through that tunnel of pain and through to the other side.

You deserve so, so much more. Your family must be beside themselves with worry for you. Why don't you go spend some time with your sister and just get away from all this for a few days?

LexieCat

At this point there is absolutely nothing you can do to help her. You are only torturing yourself.

Self-sacrifice CAN be noble when it serves a purpose, but there is no purpose in this situation. It won't help her one little bit and will destroy you in the process.

As long as you maintain contact with her, you are going to be susceptible to being sucked back into the madness.

Notahappyhour

For the spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, ex's of Alcoholics can anyone tell me if their relationship was the same in the fact that when your significant other went out with you they always went for the drink menu first, made an excuse as to why they needed a drink today, then another, and another, drank the first few drinks down like water in a matter of minutes, treated you lke you were anti social or get upset with you if you didn't drink with them and then sought out friends who drank if you wouldn't practically ignoring you, If you suggested going home they would act as if they didn't hear you or that you were just someone trying to limit their fun and would defer to their friends or the bartender or the person sitting beside them suggesting another round rather than listening to their own significant other's advice? I tried to explain to her that when she became drunk she acted like a single person, as if I didn't exist even though I was right there in front of her. She simply explained that she had anxiety issues with being in public. Well she certainly has tried to work on that "issue" with as much as she goes out but the other major issue is being buried under the carpet.

I guess I ask that question to try and wrestle with my mind that going NC is the better option. I think the more she knows I will be
there for her through anything, which was what I was soon to vow to her, the more she feels she can do this and when she is ready
deal with other things on her own terms, drinking not being one of the things.

I have so many reasons already to go no contact but when you shut everything else out in your world and you focus on one person that was meant to be with you for the rest of your life it's hard to redirect it to something else that seems at the present time to be of little to no importance.

Fandy

in reading this very sad thread one thing you've posted stuck with me...you see yourself a her "proctector" in your relationship....Actually I see you as enabling her and her taking as much advantage of you (and your wallet) as she does when she leaves her kids with her parents.

what happened to the beautiful home they purchased for her? who pays the mortgage on it now that she has lost her job?

Notahappyhour

No I agree that I've completely enabled. I did a lot in the beginning. Always planning events, going to special places for alone time with her, going dancing, normal dating stuff, etc but I didn't realize that she had this problem. When she realized I didn't then wouldn't drink as much then our alone time became social time with a group of her friends, which to me I thought okay so she's bringing me into her social circle so things are really progressing. Since I didn't drink I tried to do the next best thing and I started looking up mixed drinks online so that I could A) Make them for her at home and limit her intake, B) Save money because the bar tabs where outragous and C) I wanted to make her happy. Again this was all in the beginning before I truly recognized this problem. Her major issue with me today is "why did I change. Why did I stop loving all the things she enjoyed doing. She thought we had everything in common then it's like I completely lost interest. She's the same person today that she was back then." This is her argument with me everytime we talk.

Her home was owned by her parents and when we became engaged I purchased a home and her parents sold the other. Her job loss came after I kicked her out so she is bitter with me about that one but my friends say she should realize that a married woman or a woman engaged does not stay out until the wee hours of the morning and make no contact with their significant other, worrying him sick over whether she is okay. Her friend's say I'm a jerk for kicking her out and I should have more trust in her that she is not doing anything wrong and I always know where she is and should come and pick her up or not leave her alone at the bar if I'm such a good fiance.

suki44883

I have so many reasons already to go no contact but when you shut everything else out in your world and you focus on one person that was meant to be with you for the rest of your life it's hard to redirect it to something else that seems at the present time to be of little to no importance.

Maybe she wasn't meant to be with you for the rest of your life. Maybe you're trying to convince yourself that she is "the one," but in reality, she isn't. This could be your HP's way of showing you that. You still have a choice; free will, if you will, but the evidence is there in front of you that she most likely is not the one you were meant to be with for the rest of your life.

Tuffgirl

"If you are in a relationship with someone who has a relationship with a substance you have a rival with whom you cannot compete. You need to give some long, hard thought to the relationship; you need to make a careful assessment of what really exists versus what you would like to have exist.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is addicted, you will never be first choice. Period. The primary relationship the partner will choose and seek again and again at any expense will be the relationship with the addictive substance. You are not strong enough to overcome the power of the substance. You cannot compete successfully. You will end up hurt and probably broke. These relationships need to be put on hold until the partner is clean and sober, and you cannot force your partner to make that choice.

If your partner is addicted, you can't fix him until he is ready to fix himself. You can't make her get ready to fix herself. Your partner is the only person with the power to make these changes. You will not be able to make anything happen unless your partner is ready to make it happen. It's not your fault. You didn't break them, you can't fix them."

Bryn C. Collins, Emotional Unavailability: Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap

Just thought I'd share a few passages from a book I've read recently. As long as your fiance is an active alcoholic, nothing you do matters. She can't have a relationship with you. It's just not possible. I am very sorry, but I relate to your desires to continue to try to make some sort of difference. We all here have tried various tactics. They all failed. None of us have the power to "fix" anyone else. You sound like a smart man...with a lot to offer some nice (& sober) woman out there. Go find her! She's waiting for you.

~T

gowest

I don't know if this will help you but I find this youtube video helpful and funny even when I am sad and my heart has been breaking.

YouTube - ‪Madea - let folks go‬‏

Watch the whole thing through please it is worth it.

SOME OF THE BEST ADVICE I HAVE EVER HEARD

Tuffgirl

gowest - I am reposting on its own thread...this is great! Hope you don't mind...