whereisthisgoin

Okay, I need the help of you awesome SR people. The good news is that my AH and I have finally agreed to divorce -- the catalyst was me catching his girlfriend calling on his cell when he wasn't in the room. No, I didn't answer it but it did force his hand on the topic which I was already clued in on this past month.

So, while I'm happy to have the kick in the pants I need - I am a little sore around the edges of my heart. We will be telling our son about the divorce soon, and I want to know, how much to tell?

Our son absolutely knows we have issues. He has been through it with his drunk dad, and I sleep in the guest room - so he's aware of the dysfunction.

I did a little googling and there seems to be 2 camps:
One is: Don't keep secrets from your kids
The other is: You don't need to tell the details, it only hurts them.

I am really trying my best to stay on the higher road through all of this and do what's right for my son-- if that helps sway your opinion at all.

Meanwhile, if AH tries to fight me about custody, the gloves are coming off and this affair will be mentioned. I really think the ball is in my court on whether to tell our son or not..certainly my AH will NOT want to mention it - but if the resounding replies say we should talk about the affair - then AH doesn't really get a say!

The hard part is that if we shouldn't talk about the affair, then I shouldn't tell friends either (except for the 1 or 2 closest). It's going to be difficult to keep a lid on it.

Thanks - thanks - thanks!

Seren

(((whereisthisgoin))) I have no words of wisdom, just stopping by to offer a hug and some encouragement! :ghug3

susanlauren

How old is your son? And are you sure he doesn't know already? Kids are smart and perceptive. If you son knows of the affair and has been keeping that secret to himself, it may be a huge relief for him to have things out in the open. Also, I would consider whether your son could hear about it from others in the family or from family friends. If that were the case, I would think it would be far better for you son to hear it from his parents than from an outsider. Just some things to consider. Susan

skippernlilg

No, I would not. Not even if the 'gloves come off'. (imho, gloves can come off in court where that fight belongs)

I would say: "Child, your father and I have decided to divorce. This marriage was not working, no matter how hard each of us worked at it (you don't have to go into who did the most work). We have made this decision as a couple and NONE of this has to do with you. You and I will continue to live __________, I will continue to attend Al-anon. Do you have any questions?"

If, for some weird reason, he says, "Did Dad have an affair?"

You may respond, "I can see why you'd be concerned, but the details of this are better left to a later time, after all this dust settles."

If for some reason (like I did) he asked, "Awww, Mom, did you find out about the affair, FINALLY?"

Please do not say, "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!!!" ok?

You might say, "I can see we both have a lot of healing to do, and I'm happy to provide outside support for you. I love you very much."

Really, kids just want to know they're loved, it's not their fault, and where they're going to live. (and that their feelings are noticed and someone cares)

The other thing I wanted to let you know is that not only is your son 'aware' of the dysfunction, unfortunately, he's a part of it.

Thanks,

acoa here

Chino

My parents divorced when I was 16, were separated for a year beforehand. My mom told me about my dad's affair just before the divorce was final and I truly hated her at that moment. I was just fine with "we can't get along" because it was obviously the truth. If I had asked her, that would have been one thing, but I didn't. It was something she volunteered and I saw it as a conquer and divide maneuver.

This reminds me of something us family members were told at daughter's rehab: "wait for the question".

m1k3

I have no experience here to offer either. My daughter is handling a situation with how much to tell her D13 about my AW. So far her approach, which I agree with, is to tell the truth without going into details except where asked.

lillamy

How old is he?

whereisthisgoin

He is 15.

Tuffgirl

I love this - thanks Skipper. Well said!

I am very sorry. Sucks. Hang in there and take good care!

roxiestone

I am very sorry you are going through this. It does hurt in so many ways.

I think Skipper nailed this one.


An affair is personal marriage business, no matter how old the child is.

Freedom1990

Although my oldest was eight at the time I left my EXAH, and not his child, I chose not to reveal his infidelity to me when she was older either.

That was an issue between him and me, and it served no constructive purpose to share that with her even in her later years.

She knew the marriage was bad when I left. That was painfully evident.

hello-kitty

As parents, it's our resonsibility to make sure our motives are pure when it comes to the kids and our divorce. One golden rule is Do not talk badly about the child's other parent to the children. So I gotta ask, what would be the point in telling your son that his father is a liar and a cheater? Is it going to make a difference somehow? Is it going to improve your son's life and contribute positively to his future development?

As parents there are some things we just don't share with our children, even when we are being honest. Dirty nasty details about divorce certainly seems like one of them. Especially if the kid already has an idea that things are over. If he wants to know more specific details I'm sure he'll ask. Even then, I'm sure his fathers true character will reveal itself in time to his son, without your assistance.

Pelican

I have experience with Divorce.
I have experience with Divorce w/kids.

I also have parents that I loved.

Any adult issues, should remain as adult issues.
Please do not air your dirty laundry with or around your child.

I chose not to share all the dirt about my ex's with my children based on my experience with my first husbands ex wife and their child. It was ugly. She referred to her ex as A**hole, and made many false accusations. She shared all this with their 5 year old son. He thought his dad was to be hated. Yet he loved his dad. He did not know how to act around his dad during visitation. It was torture to watch.

We were married about 8 years and had 2 children. When we divorced we used his first divorce as an example of "how not to act when divorcing with children". We were not able to maintain our relationship, but he has enjoyed a wonderful relationship with our children (now 23 & 19) all these years. They love him, warts and all, and he loves them too.

I am doing the same with my daughter from my last marriage to an alcoholic. She knows what he is like, she saw a lot, heard a lot, and remembers most. I do not need to give her a front row seat to the behind the scenes drama.

I also based my decision on my love for my parents. They fought constantly. She was controlling and nagging and he was absent. But I loved them both. I never heard my mother call my father names, I never heard her put him down, I never heard her gossiping with friends about his behaviors. I also never heard him utter a negative word about her.

I am thankful for that. I try to give my children the same choice - love both your parents as you are loved by each.

hello-kitty

I hated it when my mom talked bad about my dad. Absolutely hated it. I didn't care whether it was the truth or not. I loved my dad "warts and all' as Pelican said. Actually the negative talk made me resent my mom a little. It made me want to stand up for my dad. I mean, jeesh. That's my dad your talking about.

LexieCat

There is absolutely nothing to be gained by telling him. It isn't his business, it shouldn't be his concern. You were the one betrayed, not him.

I also don't see how having an affair has anything whatsoever to do with custody. If it becomes an issue for some other reason, then it becomes an issue. But it has nothing to do with the fitness of the parent unless, for example, he told the child to lie for him. And then it is about using the child to lie, not about the affair.

I think it would put your son in an EXTREMELY awkward situation. You wouldn't share with your son about your great (or lousy) sex life, and there is likewise no reason to tell him about other personal details.

hello-kitty

Yes. That IS a different experience especially as it relates to this story. I'm sorry that your parents lied to you about who your father was. That's awful and I don't think anyone would condone such a blatant misrepresentation of the truth. I don't think that is the case in this situation. I could be mistaken though.

LexieCat

Not everyone who has an affair is a sex addict. Darklight, I'm sorry you were lied to about who your father was. That was NOT right and you DID have a right to that information.

This, I see as different. This is one spouse cheating on another, which is not something a child needs to know about. It isn't necessary to lie, and I don't advocate lying, but simply saying it is a private matter ought to be sufficient. Some things are private.

Cyranoak

...it won't be easy though. Kidding.

By the time I was 12 both my mother and father had been married and divorced twice. Both of my mother's marriages ended because her husbands (including my father) cheated on her and her second husband was also an alcoholic. Stage set yet?

So, here's my view. My dad said bad things about my mom and I hated it. My mom never said bad things about my dad and I hated that too because I knew she was keeping something from me.

I'm often in a position where my daughter is asking me about my wife.
Here's how I handle it now after years in Alanon. I rarely volunteer information, but if I'm asked directly I answer truthfully and I don't suger coat it. I feel OK with that because it's not me "doing something" to my wife. It's simply a consequence for my wife because of an action of my wife.

Wife knows this is how I handle it because we agreed on it together. And, yes, the same is true for me when I **** up and daughter asks about it. As painful as it is, today in our house we endeavor to practice rigorous honesty and accountability.

In short, I'd only tell your son his dad is a lying, cheating drunk if he asks. And if he asks, I wouldn't feel the need to elaborate or use those words. I'd say something like, "your Dad cheated on me and I can no longer trust him. Therefore I have to divorce him." It simply is what it is.

I hope this helps.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

P.s. And all due respect to those who disagree, a marriage includes the children of the marriage and they are affected by the actions of their parents just like in this case. It is his business, and keeping secrets within marriages in my opinion is very, very bad and somewhat sick. IMHO If your marriage has secrets, as mine did, something is very wrong. I'm not talking about sexual proclivities here or personal stuff that truly affects nobody but the parties in the marriage, but things just like lying, cheating, violence, emotional or physical abuse, etc.

theuncertainty

I kind of have to disagree with where I think Anvil is coming from on this one. I think I would tell my teen aged son if me having an affair was the reason for the divorce. But it's a HUGE supposition on my part: 1. I would never have an affair; if I were find out I was the other woman I would never continue a romance because that's a HUGE betrayal of trust. 2. DS is not a teenager 3. I'm already divorced. 4. I have no desire to date right now. 5. DS, then aged 4 almost 5, is the one who told me about his father's GF. So major guess work on my part to even assume that.

So, I'm more in the camp that if you can be truthful about the reason without assigning blame, it would be better if the info came from you or your STBX. Because it will come out. I'd rather my child hears it from me than from some one else who may not be worried about how he's told. Any way it happens, it's gonna hurt; it's going to hurt them and it will hurt you. That's where the truth comes in. If they can at least trust you to tell the truth, even if it's a carefully worded, screened truth, it's easier for them to trust that you'll still be there for them.



My parents divorced after I got out of college. Mom was having an affair. I had absolutely no clue, wasn't living at home. I came home for a family weekend during which time they had a blow out fight; the truth was thrown out like a grenade. By my Dad. I was... confused, hurt, angry, sad, felt betrayed by both of them. Mad at Dad for saying it the way he did; mad at Mom for having the affair; mad at Mom for NOT being the one to tell us; mad at Mom for hurting my Daddy; mad at Dad for hurting us by telling us.

But, if we hadn't found out about the reason for the divorce from Mom & Dad's fight, we would have when the affair's kids called us later.


All that being said.... If you're not ready to talk about the affair without hurt or blame, I think it'd be reasonable to tell him that the decision to divorce was not taken lightly, but you're not ready to talk about the reasons for the divorce just yet. If he has questions you will do your best to answer them.

Definitely let him know that you're aware it will affect him; explain how it may change his world. Explain who will live where; if it's an issue and if you have an idea about how the custody thing is going to work out, let him know that; if he get's a say in it, let him know that. Reiterate again and again that he will still be loved, the family dynamics will change, but you will still be there, still Mom and Dad...

Hugs, Whereisthisgoing. This was really one of the hardest parts about divorcing for me. How it affects DS. What do I tell him? How do I tell him? He's only 6 when it finalized, I can't imagine having to discuss it with him as an almost-adult while the emotions are still raw for us all....

MissChievous

No. He's still a child, and I would never get a child involved in something in which they have absolutely no control, and a child should never have to be involved in adult issues. It's a helpless feeling and they are not equipped mentally, emotionally, physiologically or neurologically to deal with adult issues. He will be victimized by what his dad did and the bad choices he has made. If you involve him you will be using him to bolster your feelings and to get back at your husband, and that's a terrible exploitation of a child.

JMHO.