Would you tell teenage son about AH's affair? (please no tough love!)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
What I have done in the past is write a letter. I write them to people who have ticked me off, hurt me, etc. I get all that emotion out and then get rid of them (I love my burn barrel). I guess it's kind of like a God box.
I understand about having to get things out. I hope that you can come to some sort of peace with this.
I understand about having to get things out. I hope that you can come to some sort of peace with this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I agree 100% with the posters talking about how important it is to not insult or talk badly about the other parent... HOWEVER, telling your children (particularly those who are older teens and probably know far more than you are aware) the facts that are true about the other parent's behavior is not insulting that parent imho.
My father had numerous affairs and my mother stayed with him. I'm the oldest of 6 kids and I can't tell you how I knew he was cheating on her, but by middle school I knew it... I felt it. They got divorced when I was a senior in high school and it was my father who told us he'd cheated (which I found odd). He told us under the pretense of "your mother was so cold and so unaffectionate that I had to turn elsewhere".
The result? I felt bad for HIM and angry with my mother for pushing him into the arms of another woman. Granted my father is pretty sick to manipulate his kids and play games with their minds like that but that's another matter...
I wish my mother would have said, as emotionless as possible, something to the effect of "your father made the choice to find someone else and we are getting divorced". Honest, truthful, not hiding info but not trying to make us take sides.
Like I said, as a pre-teen I KNEW what was up anyway and I'd bet money your son has a sense of it too. While many may disagree, I think that it's better for kids of a certain age to be told the bare minimum truthful facts than to leave them confused, scared to ask, sensing something is up but say nothing. Your son may want to ask directly (I know I did) but like me, may have no idea how to approach the topic.
I think that saying something simple and honest and emphasizing that it won't have any impact of him having a relationship with his Dad as far as you're concerned is what I'd do...
But again, this is coming from the perspective of someone who was kind of in your son's shoes and knew a bit what was up and hated that my mother didn't tell us....
I'm sorry for all you're going through...
My father had numerous affairs and my mother stayed with him. I'm the oldest of 6 kids and I can't tell you how I knew he was cheating on her, but by middle school I knew it... I felt it. They got divorced when I was a senior in high school and it was my father who told us he'd cheated (which I found odd). He told us under the pretense of "your mother was so cold and so unaffectionate that I had to turn elsewhere".
The result? I felt bad for HIM and angry with my mother for pushing him into the arms of another woman. Granted my father is pretty sick to manipulate his kids and play games with their minds like that but that's another matter...
I wish my mother would have said, as emotionless as possible, something to the effect of "your father made the choice to find someone else and we are getting divorced". Honest, truthful, not hiding info but not trying to make us take sides.
Like I said, as a pre-teen I KNEW what was up anyway and I'd bet money your son has a sense of it too. While many may disagree, I think that it's better for kids of a certain age to be told the bare minimum truthful facts than to leave them confused, scared to ask, sensing something is up but say nothing. Your son may want to ask directly (I know I did) but like me, may have no idea how to approach the topic.
I think that saying something simple and honest and emphasizing that it won't have any impact of him having a relationship with his Dad as far as you're concerned is what I'd do...
But again, this is coming from the perspective of someone who was kind of in your son's shoes and knew a bit what was up and hated that my mother didn't tell us....
I'm sorry for all you're going through...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
One other thought...
Leaving it up to kids to ask questions rather than telling them fair amounts of honest info when they are old enough to have that be appropriate seems to me to be unfair to our kids.
Kids sense and know what's going on. We owe it to them to be honest within reason and shouldn't expect them to approach us asking really hard questions.
Something about this notion of "only tell if he asks" is really triggering for me bc it puts the burden on the kid and my sense is a) he's 15 and probably knows a lot already and b) what's he going to think when dad moves out and 2 seconds later has a girlfriend and it's the big elephant in the room that no one is mentioning and that he's left thinking/wondering about....
I remember being in a place much like that you describe your son being in and really, really wish one of my parents had had the balls to appropriately tell my sister and I the truth rather than leaving us to wonder until my father laid out the gory details in a totally inappropriate way...
Just my 2 cents...
Leaving it up to kids to ask questions rather than telling them fair amounts of honest info when they are old enough to have that be appropriate seems to me to be unfair to our kids.
Kids sense and know what's going on. We owe it to them to be honest within reason and shouldn't expect them to approach us asking really hard questions.
Something about this notion of "only tell if he asks" is really triggering for me bc it puts the burden on the kid and my sense is a) he's 15 and probably knows a lot already and b) what's he going to think when dad moves out and 2 seconds later has a girlfriend and it's the big elephant in the room that no one is mentioning and that he's left thinking/wondering about....
I remember being in a place much like that you describe your son being in and really, really wish one of my parents had had the balls to appropriately tell my sister and I the truth rather than leaving us to wonder until my father laid out the gory details in a totally inappropriate way...
Just my 2 cents...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
You share things with kids appropriately based on their age. I woulld caution against disclosing an affair because at 15, his view of how adult relationships are managed and formed are really taking root. As parents we 'model' the adult life for our teens. Plus there is the added burden of feeling caught in the middle since he may become very angry at his dad for doing that to you, then feel he has to protect you. Not his job. Nor is he a confidente. He needs to just live his life as a 15 year old kid.
Give him the information that directly relates to him, not about your marriage, dad's behaviors, etc. And along the way ask him how he is doing and if has questions. He may or may not. But I wouldn't disclose the details of the split. Even if he asked I'd word it in more general terms like "Dad wasn't happy in our marriage". He may ask for more info but word it carefully whatever you disclose. "Affair" is a loaded word for a teen if it relates to their parents. He loves you both and to know that you were hurt by this could create a wedge between him and his dad.
My mom would come to me about her problems with my dad and I HATED it. It made me resent her actually because he was my dad and I still loved him. I didn't want to know about their problems because I felt more responsible for them (even though I know I wasn't, kids internalize the stuff their parents go through). Kids knowing things isn't always the best way. That isn't to say hide things but reveal stuff in a way that respects their limited understanding of the world and relationships. They are not mature enough to handle or process on an emotional level very adult issues. It could cause a distortion in their thoughts that has longer lasting effects (all dads cheat, all parents divorce, etc).
Give him the information that directly relates to him, not about your marriage, dad's behaviors, etc. And along the way ask him how he is doing and if has questions. He may or may not. But I wouldn't disclose the details of the split. Even if he asked I'd word it in more general terms like "Dad wasn't happy in our marriage". He may ask for more info but word it carefully whatever you disclose. "Affair" is a loaded word for a teen if it relates to their parents. He loves you both and to know that you were hurt by this could create a wedge between him and his dad.
My mom would come to me about her problems with my dad and I HATED it. It made me resent her actually because he was my dad and I still loved him. I didn't want to know about their problems because I felt more responsible for them (even though I know I wasn't, kids internalize the stuff their parents go through). Kids knowing things isn't always the best way. That isn't to say hide things but reveal stuff in a way that respects their limited understanding of the world and relationships. They are not mature enough to handle or process on an emotional level very adult issues. It could cause a distortion in their thoughts that has longer lasting effects (all dads cheat, all parents divorce, etc).
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
I have a very strong policy of honesty with my children, both teenagers.
Sometimes this has led to sharing of too much information. It is never fun for any of us. I always regret it.
That being said, the hard truths, things that I would not have chosen for them to know about me, have come from my mouth and nobody else's. That I believe is important.
I knew that at some point my ex would threaten to divulge unpleasant personal information, so I told my children first. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done.
So I don't lie when asked a direct question about my ex, although I have on occasion not answered said that they should ask their father the question, AND I don't sugar coat anything I've done either. Neither of us were perfect. I am very happy that I don't have secrets that I am keeping from them.
In this situation, should your son ask or need to know who had the affair, I would suggest that it come from your ex-husband's mouth and not yours.
It will be better for all parties that way.
Sometimes this has led to sharing of too much information. It is never fun for any of us. I always regret it.
That being said, the hard truths, things that I would not have chosen for them to know about me, have come from my mouth and nobody else's. That I believe is important.
I knew that at some point my ex would threaten to divulge unpleasant personal information, so I told my children first. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done.
So I don't lie when asked a direct question about my ex, although I have on occasion not answered said that they should ask their father the question, AND I don't sugar coat anything I've done either. Neither of us were perfect. I am very happy that I don't have secrets that I am keeping from them.
In this situation, should your son ask or need to know who had the affair, I would suggest that it come from your ex-husband's mouth and not yours.
It will be better for all parties that way.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Leave your son out of this - I see no reason to telling him other than the possibility of looking like the "good guy" because your husband is being such an @hole. And that's a terrible reason to force this information on your son. He will eventually ask about it. If he asks specifically about infidelity, tell him the truth then.
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
My guess is that your marriage wasn't perfect before he had an affair, so why use what might have been "the straw that broke the camels back" your explanation. So if you feel you must mention the affair, tell the whole story and what led to it.
FWIW, I believe a 15 year old is still a child.
FWIW, I believe a 15 year old is still a child.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
I didn't read through the replies.
Mine is: No. we don't get to choose our parents. Parents have to put their best foot forward. Someday the children may learn of things in the past. But there is no reason to tell them now.
Mine is: No. we don't get to choose our parents. Parents have to put their best foot forward. Someday the children may learn of things in the past. But there is no reason to tell them now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 204
Sometimes you do have to tell your kids what is going on. My AH and I are divorcing because he is a truly out of control alcoholic. My very smart seven year old saw a lot of stumbling around and weird behavior in the past year. My AH came home from rehab and started smoking after having quit for ten years. He also started drinking a lot more and getting weirder at that point, so my son thought my AH's recent problems were caused by smoking. I decided to discuss alcoholism with my son. I didn't get too graphic but I was honest without being mean. I am glad I told him for many reasons, so he realized smoking didn't make people act this way, and so he understands why we can't live with Dad anymore. I think if I didn't explain he would never get why we have to move. Also, I am glad I told him because he then confided in me that he and a little friend of his found Daddy's vodka in the garage one time. He would have never told me that if I hadn't mentioned alcoholism first and it showed me that he knew more than I thought he did.
But, I don't think you have to mention the affair to the 15 year old, I am sure he will figure it out, and besides, hearing about that stuff is kinda gross. But, I do think there are some things you have to discuss honestly with your kids about alcoholism because really, that's the bigger issue and the one that may more directly affect them someday.
But, I don't think you have to mention the affair to the 15 year old, I am sure he will figure it out, and besides, hearing about that stuff is kinda gross. But, I do think there are some things you have to discuss honestly with your kids about alcoholism because really, that's the bigger issue and the one that may more directly affect them someday.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I didn't read all the replies...
What I would do in this situation is to ask a teen therapist. Only a pro can tell you what is best for the teen at this age, IMHO.
Later I would go to individual therapy and get the teen individual therapy too.
A pro has the kid's best interests in mind and an objective view...
What I would do in this situation is to ask a teen therapist. Only a pro can tell you what is best for the teen at this age, IMHO.
Later I would go to individual therapy and get the teen individual therapy too.
A pro has the kid's best interests in mind and an objective view...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Light Side of the Moon
Posts: 15
I would ask yourself what benefit would there be to your son by telling him of his father's affair?
I am a child of a divorce. I was not shielded much at all from the details of my father's two affairs although even without that information it was clear the marriage was failing. There was really no reason at all my mother had to share that information other than to be a salve for her own guilt that I had to experience the divorce. My parent's divorce was up there with the worst. Now that I am an adult I see that my parents are only human, and while my Dad made some really bad choices, I have chosen to forgive him and get on with it...my Mom still seems to be stuck in the past. It is painful...
My husband's parents on the other hand did not share any of the details of their divorce with their children...if anything their children were completely surprised by the announcement that Mom and Dad were splitting...I have great respect for the way they handled it because there was no character assassination, no details shared, no animosity and they were allowed to continue living their childhood as they had the right to do. My husband and his siblings could spend their energy growing and put it towards their emotional development instead of spending it in a sea of parental anger and resentment ping-pong. Their childhood and teenage years continued to be 'Their' life and not suddenly defined by the drama of their parent's divorce. This is very important I believe.
I had very little childhood...with all of these details shared it was like I was ushered into an immediate adulthood I had not asked to be ushered in to.
Now that I am older and I see things a bit more clearly I have to say I am losing respect for my Mom. I see where she was extremely hurt, with every right to be, but it became so important for her to look like the good guy that she ran my Dad through the coals.
I will always be part of my Mom and part of my Dad. When I look in the mirror I see both of them...and I have to say it is really hard when one parent rejects the other and throws insults around - a child can't help but feel on some level that they are not fully accepted because half of them is the very parent that is being criticized, even when it may be fully warranted.
I would definitely be careful with this information and I would consult a professional for advice.
Good luck and I am sorry you are all going through this. I hope that you find peace soon...
I am a child of a divorce. I was not shielded much at all from the details of my father's two affairs although even without that information it was clear the marriage was failing. There was really no reason at all my mother had to share that information other than to be a salve for her own guilt that I had to experience the divorce. My parent's divorce was up there with the worst. Now that I am an adult I see that my parents are only human, and while my Dad made some really bad choices, I have chosen to forgive him and get on with it...my Mom still seems to be stuck in the past. It is painful...
My husband's parents on the other hand did not share any of the details of their divorce with their children...if anything their children were completely surprised by the announcement that Mom and Dad were splitting...I have great respect for the way they handled it because there was no character assassination, no details shared, no animosity and they were allowed to continue living their childhood as they had the right to do. My husband and his siblings could spend their energy growing and put it towards their emotional development instead of spending it in a sea of parental anger and resentment ping-pong. Their childhood and teenage years continued to be 'Their' life and not suddenly defined by the drama of their parent's divorce. This is very important I believe.
I had very little childhood...with all of these details shared it was like I was ushered into an immediate adulthood I had not asked to be ushered in to.
Now that I am older and I see things a bit more clearly I have to say I am losing respect for my Mom. I see where she was extremely hurt, with every right to be, but it became so important for her to look like the good guy that she ran my Dad through the coals.
I will always be part of my Mom and part of my Dad. When I look in the mirror I see both of them...and I have to say it is really hard when one parent rejects the other and throws insults around - a child can't help but feel on some level that they are not fully accepted because half of them is the very parent that is being criticized, even when it may be fully warranted.
I would definitely be careful with this information and I would consult a professional for advice.
Good luck and I am sorry you are all going through this. I hope that you find peace soon...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 626
Well, you don't have to make the decision to tell today. Even if you decide to tell, after thoughtful prayer and talk with your sponsor and perhaps a teen counselor, I wouldn't do it in the midst of all this chaos.
I think you have to be crystal, and I do mean crystal clear and honest with yourself about your intentions. And I think it's too soon and too raw for you to know that.
I think you have to be crystal, and I do mean crystal clear and honest with yourself about your intentions. And I think it's too soon and too raw for you to know that.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Oh StarShine for me everything was hidden, EVERYTHING, and even when they didn't badmouth each other I don't think they are at peace with each other. They can't stand to be in the same room together after 26 years. They will miss a wedding because the other person might go. Their own daughter's wedding! It still sucked and sucks.
So I guess its painful and challenging either way
As he is young, I don't know the benefits of details, perhaps there are none... but later in life.. my opinion is that he has to know the truth and background about everyone in his family.
The more I know about the past the more tools I got for healing.
But that of course is talking as someone who is nearly 30 and is coming from a healthier "whatever happened I in now way caused it, controlled ir or could cure it" and making questions, etc and working this with a therapist...
Even the worse truths are better than never knowing what happened... we carry unconscious patterns and repeat the stories of our grandparents, and parents. Knowing the facts, the ugly parts is needed to know yourself... needed to avoid repeating the same story of suffering and passing it to the next generation.
So I guess its painful and challenging either way
As he is young, I don't know the benefits of details, perhaps there are none... but later in life.. my opinion is that he has to know the truth and background about everyone in his family.
The more I know about the past the more tools I got for healing.
But that of course is talking as someone who is nearly 30 and is coming from a healthier "whatever happened I in now way caused it, controlled ir or could cure it" and making questions, etc and working this with a therapist...
Even the worse truths are better than never knowing what happened... we carry unconscious patterns and repeat the stories of our grandparents, and parents. Knowing the facts, the ugly parts is needed to know yourself... needed to avoid repeating the same story of suffering and passing it to the next generation.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Light Side of the Moon
Posts: 15
I see where you are coming from too TakingCharge...I guess there are no easy answers. I guess it all comes down to in what Spirit facts are shared...Are they shared to belittle the other parent? or are they shared for Clarity and Truth?
I feel your pain when it comes to weddings and other events. I didn't know until the night before my wedding if my Dad would be there but that was due to me having a long overdue discussion regarding boundaries with my Step Mom and completely losing it with her.
No easy answers for sure...
I feel your pain when it comes to weddings and other events. I didn't know until the night before my wedding if my Dad would be there but that was due to me having a long overdue discussion regarding boundaries with my Step Mom and completely losing it with her.
No easy answers for sure...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I'd wager to say that a 15 year old knows more than he lets on knowing. He may even suspect his dad cheated but unless he comes up to verify his suspicions. He may just want to be left out of this mess.
No one is saying lie. But an adult revealing something between adults is one thing, to a kid (15 year olds are still kids) it can have life long consequences.
I think it would be throwing another layer of pain onto a kids life to know the gorey details of a divorce (in addition to adjusting to the divorce). As his mom though, you will ultimately make the right choice whichever you decide because you know him best.
No one is saying lie. But an adult revealing something between adults is one thing, to a kid (15 year olds are still kids) it can have life long consequences.
I think it would be throwing another layer of pain onto a kids life to know the gorey details of a divorce (in addition to adjusting to the divorce). As his mom though, you will ultimately make the right choice whichever you decide because you know him best.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 7
I come from a divorced home. Dad had an affair and married the other woman. I was 13 and it did not take much to figure out what had gone on. I always had a soft spot for my Dad and thought my Mom pushed him away until my husband did it to me. Now I have great respect for her and not my Dad at all. He hid away from it all, as did the other woman and even judged others who committed adultery???
I am with Cryanoak here 100%. Both my children did not see this coming at all and were SHOCKED when he moved out. When the 12 year old asked me straight out if Dad had left for another woman, I told her he had. When her brother asked if it was "x", I told him yes. They have formed their own opinions now and I get blamed for "bad mouthing him and her" by him all the time. NOT MY PROBLEM - my kids know I will tell the truth if asked. They can speak to their Dad everyday and see him a lot but I will not lie and buy into this "irreconcilable differences" stuff, which in my mind is a cop out. I never gave up on my marriage, he did, the children know that and still love him which is GREAT, but they have to know that what happened was not right.
I am with Cryanoak here 100%. Both my children did not see this coming at all and were SHOCKED when he moved out. When the 12 year old asked me straight out if Dad had left for another woman, I told her he had. When her brother asked if it was "x", I told him yes. They have formed their own opinions now and I get blamed for "bad mouthing him and her" by him all the time. NOT MY PROBLEM - my kids know I will tell the truth if asked. They can speak to their Dad everyday and see him a lot but I will not lie and buy into this "irreconcilable differences" stuff, which in my mind is a cop out. I never gave up on my marriage, he did, the children know that and still love him which is GREAT, but they have to know that what happened was not right.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I've thought so much about this thread. There seems to be a lot of folks who weigh in with what their childhood was like, and try to prevent the same thing happening to another child.
I think that doesn't work. Each family, each child is different. We all have out own path.
What JO wrote above is perfect. She reassesses her childhood, through adult eyes and makes a choice she's comfortable with. Awesome.
I think that doesn't work. Each family, each child is different. We all have out own path.
What JO wrote above is perfect. She reassesses her childhood, through adult eyes and makes a choice she's comfortable with. Awesome.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
