Blogs


Notices

It's a long, dark night

Old 06-27-2011, 12:28 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Wyoming
Posts: 130
Blog Entries: 2
It's a long, dark night

After spending a couple of fruitless hours trying to sleep, I thought I'd wander over here and try to get some of the heartache out of the system. My AH drinks every day, but sometimes he binges on top of it -- and right now he's working on day four of staying passed out whenever he's not "refilling," and there's enough alcohol left for a fifth day at least. Tonight he got up for a little while, ate a little (the first in days), and sat down in our office for a little while before stumbling back off to bed. He still hasn't had any fluids except what's in the beer and whiskey, and I know the alcohol more than offsets that.

What haunts me more than anything tonight is that while he was up, I saw a look -- the loose, papery, yellow skin, the sunken eyes, the blue-white fingernails, the dull stare -- that I've only ever seen once before. It was the exact look my uncle had the last time I saw him, ten days before he died from the complications of long-term alcoholism.

My husband is 51, has been an active alcoholic for about 30 years (maybe a little more...long before my time) and I've seen so many disturbing signs of failing health before. I've recognized that he doesn't have a bottom, he doesn't want help, and he will die from it. I am not anywhere near the point where that would be a relief. That said, reflecting on it has made me face the fact that the person I love more than my own life is as good as dead already -- he's been replaced by an alcohol-induced zombie, and he doesn't want to find his way back.

These are not easy thoughts at 1:30 a.m. Right now I have so much going through my head. My son will be here on Thursday and he'll be staying for a month, and the thought that keeps popping up is that I don't want him to be here when AH dies. When we married, and then again when I found out I was pregnant, I had so hoped that I would be able to raise my daughter with a daddy that loves her every bit as much as I do. I wonder, if this is the bout that finally does him in, how long I'll regret how I've spent the last week. In the past, even when he was drinking, I still slept next to him every night, and rarely got up or went to bed without kisses and hugs. Right now I've scarcely been near him, talked to him, or touched him in days, and I've been sleeping in my son's room. The first couple of nights were a blessed relief, I slept better than I have in a long time -- and my 7-month-old daughter did too, surprisingly enough, even though she sleeps on the other end of the house anyway so you wouldn't think it would make that big of a difference. Tonight the waves have come crashing in, and I don't know if it's because of all the mixed feelings finally catching up with me, or if it's because of that look.

I don't really have any specific questions or requests for advice or anything, I just needed to -- for lack of a more palatable term -- do a little emotional vomiting. It helps knowing that others who can really understand will read it, and maybe in the morning I can re-read for myself and try to make a little more sense out of everything.
wywriter is offline  
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to wywriter For This Useful Post:
Alone22 (06-27-2011), Leise (06-27-2011), peaches28 (06-27-2011), roxiestone (06-27-2011), TakingCharge999 (06-27-2011), Tally (06-27-2011), TeM (06-27-2011), Tuffgirl (06-27-2011), vujade (06-27-2011)
Old 06-27-2011, 03:44 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 626
I hope you were able to get some rest. It's hard to process anything when we are in HALT.
roxiestone is offline  
Old 06-27-2011, 04:41 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,360
No words to say except I am thinking of you and your family.
LifeRecovery is offline  
Old 06-27-2011, 05:21 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
catlovermi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
(HALT = Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired)

Gentle hugs to you, as you deserve them. I hope you were able to get some sleep after writing us.

CLMI
catlovermi is offline  
Old 06-27-2011, 05:24 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
kittykitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Blog Entries: 1
I am so sorry that you have to watch this happen. Prayers and hugs for you
kittykitty is offline  
Old 06-27-2011, 05:48 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
TeM
Member
 
TeM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
I can only imagine what you're feeling. I suspect, however, that you're in a lonely place right now. Thanks for sharing your story, and take what comfort you can from knowing you're not alone, and there are many here pulling for you.
TeM is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to TeM For This Useful Post:
marie1960 (06-27-2011)
Old 06-27-2011, 06:38 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I'm sorry.
stella27 is offline  
Old 06-27-2011, 07:18 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Blog Entries: 1
What haunts me more than anything tonight is that while he was up, I saw a look -- the loose, papery, yellow skin, the sunken eyes, the blue-white fingernails, the dull stare -- that I've only ever seen once before. It was the exact look my uncle had the last time I saw him, ten days before he died from the complications of long-term alcoholism.
Please know you are not alone. Hugs to you, hope you got some rest. Life's troubling issues are magnified when we are exhausted. Take care of You.

Last edited by DesertEyes; 06-27-2011 at 01:50 PM. Reason: fixed broken quote
marie1960 is offline  
Old 06-27-2011, 07:31 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 14
Sending prayers out for your family. Lean on Him, when you feel like you have no strength left. He will carry you.
peaches28 is offline  
Old 06-27-2011, 07:43 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
((((hug)))) my your HP bring you strength during this difficult time.
Alone22 is offline  
Old 06-27-2011, 01:54 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Starting over
 
DesertEyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,427
Blog Entries: 1
We are all here for you WyWriter, and there's millions more in meetings of al-anon and CODA and other such groups all over the world. No matter how much pain you are in there are thousands right here on SR who are praying for you and thinking of you. All around the world.

Mike
DesertEyes is offline  
Old 06-27-2011, 04:00 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
rose68's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Georgia
Posts: 51
prayers for you and your family.
rose68 is offline  
Old 06-27-2011, 04:41 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Wyoming
Posts: 130
Blog Entries: 2
Thank you, everyone . I took my laptop out and did my work in the sunshine today (rain the past several days was very badly-timed) and that seemed to help a lot. AH has been up and about a bit -- long enough to fall off the porch and catch himself on one arm, which he originally suspected might be broken. When I asked if we needed to go to the VA, he decided it was just a pulled muscle. I'm pretty certain it's broken, but we'll see how things unfold as the "anesthesia" wears off.

Thankfully, I never have to worry about medical bills for him as long as we can get to the VA -- that takes a TON of stress off. He also finally came to enough to take his pants off before crawling back into bed, so I was able to get a hold of the debit card and pay the rent and fill up the gas tank -- yay! He can drink the last $3 on there. He may survive this bout just because he couldn't afford to keep it up longer, we'll see -- DTs coming up.
wywriter is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:58 AM.