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Shopping for Bread at the Hardware Store...

Old 06-21-2011, 09:14 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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tuffgirl - this entire thread you have really worked thru your emotions and bared your soul ~
taken some tough post, comments and still keep on trudging on your road of recovery!

This is what I believe SR and our SR family is about - healing, helping, loving, a little nudging, a little fact facing, and most of all lots & lots of HUGS!

no matter what you remain true to your name TUFFGIRL - regardless -

"you and your HP are going to be ok - even better than OK!"

PINK HUGS!
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Old 06-21-2011, 09:38 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Thanks Pink. And thanks dear SR friends. I do appreciate the "tough" posts. I know I can get all tangled up in the emotions to step back and be objective about things. That is also part of my journey - learning to step outside of that immediate emotional reaction and think instead. Funny thing is, I realize this is part of the lesson I was meant to learn by having this A in my life. Think my HP thought I was getting a little lazy in that department.
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Old 06-21-2011, 09:52 AM
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I had to laugh at your neurotic dogs! I tend to cherish my dogs' quirks, or idiosyncrasies if you will.

Seems I always have more than one special needs dog, whether it's medical or behavioral!

Miss Bug is my systemic lupus girl, and does very well with the medications she's been on for a couple of years now.

My two seniors get their daily dose of aspirin and pain meds for arthritis.

Ku'a is my scaredy cat (of strange people) who tends to sit between my legs as I'm doing dishes, and has carried over the quirk of nibbling on my nose like she did as a wee pup. Um, it's a bit more of my nose she nibbles now!

Got to love those fur kids!
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Old 06-21-2011, 09:56 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Gotta love the old-timers...

They know stuff. As always, take my posts with a grain of salt. I write them as if I was talking to myself not always remembering that other people's skulls are less thick than mine.

I think you are awesome and doing well in recovery, with or without "him," and with or without Cheetah pants.

C-



Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
Haha - thanks all for the laugh this morning. Bella, I love your description! BobbyJ, working on those cheetah pants. I did buy a cheetah print shirt and some black pants that are pretty form fitting...step 1, right?!

Pix, you must live in a small town. I have grocery stores that have a hardware section, but nothing the other way around. I envision that 'hardware' store as being the typical old-guy store that smells of saw dust and has about 8 aisles with one whole aisle dedicated to nothing but screws of all types.

I spoke briefly to an old-timer last night in Al-Anon. She is married to a long sober A. I explained what I am dealing with here and her take on it was firstly: don't take it personally. He is probably still completely lying to himself. Why would someone break that 20 year habit in 7 months? Secondly, like Anvil has pointed out here in the past, 7 months off alcohol is only 7 months...the brain still feels the effects and can be in a 'fog'. Lastly...I don't know if he has stopped drinking yet. She didn't think so. As a matter of fact, none of the RA's I've talked to so far think this guy is totally sober, based on what I describe. Granted, its all hearsay but still...

She said wait - make decisions in peace, not in conflict. Well, stopping all communication felt peaceful. Felt right. For me.

I can wait a bit to file the papers. Wait for the peaceful feeling. Where I don't need to put it out there as a question to the world...I'll just know it is time to do the next right thing.

I feel better today - like a weight is lifting (or maybe the ball and chain feeling is getting much smaller now!)
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Old 06-21-2011, 09:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl View Post
She said wait - make decisions in peace, not in conflict. Well, stopping all communication felt peaceful. Felt right. For me.
Yes. I learned that lesson as well. In short, slowing down is good. Divorce is a process not a conclusion.
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Old 06-21-2011, 10:10 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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I haven't read all the replies but you got some great thoughts. I'd like to add a couple and hope they aren't ridiculously redundant.

I won't file because I don't want a divorce, I want the marriage I thought I was getting.
That line, like many others have said, really stood out to me. I felt like this for a long time, too, and I had to get to the place where I finally accepted that I'd been had. Something someone posted on here long ago really hit home for me. She had gone to her counselor and was telling her all of the wonderful things that she knew her husband COULD be. The counselor replied with "I'm not sure that it's healthy to be in love with the IDEA of a person." In other words, when we look at someone for who we think they could be...or who we feel they promised us they would be...instead of who they ARE, its more like having an imaginary friend rather than a spouse.

The second thing I wanted to say is, and this is just MHO, there are two components to a marriage. One is spiritual and one is legal. When the spiritual part of a marriage is gone, the only thing that exists is a LEGAL CONTRACT. If you were a victim of the old bait-and-switch, you have every right to dissolve that contract. If you are not filing with the idea that it somehow keeps a connection to the spiritual part of a relationship, you could actually be putting yourself at great risk financially and legally. The longer you live apart and the more he spirals into his disease, the less control you have over your own legal destiny by still having that contract in place.

All of this being said, you will know when you are at the right place to make these decisions. Everything happens in its own time.

Again, just MHO. Take what you want and leave the rest.
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Old 06-21-2011, 10:23 AM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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SKW, OT but everytime I look at your avatar I see a heart right next to one of them aliens with the big eyes, and I think he's singing. This is what happens when you live with an A for 15 years. It effects you.
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Old 06-21-2011, 10:36 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by m1k3 View Post
SKW, OT but everytime I look at your avatar I see a heart right next to one of them aliens with the big eyes, and I think he's singing. This is what happens when you live with an A for 15 years. It effects you.
I didn't see it before but now that you pointed it out....
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Old 06-21-2011, 11:51 AM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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LOL!!! Oh no!!!! I'm might have to do some more digging because now all *I* see is a singing alien! ROTF!

Actually, I think its because the picture is of actual headphones and we just don't see those much anymore, huh? LOL!
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Old 06-21-2011, 12:00 PM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by jds0401 View Post
In the meantime, do what you do! Don't worry one bit about what he is or isn't doing...at least that's how I am doing it.
Count me in on that too. I'm just doing what I need to do and letting AH/STBXAH (or whatever the hell he is!!!!) do his thing. I just don't care to resolve the marriage/divorce crap right now. I'm happy living for me and the kids and working on my recovery.

I'm confident that more will be revealed... on God's schedule... not mine.
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Old 06-21-2011, 12:35 PM
  # 51 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
I believe that there were a few things that happened for me to get to this point.

1) Complete acceptance of who my husband was and of the reality of our relationship. Not the relationship I signed up for, wanted and wished for - but the one I actually had.

2) Detachment. Letting go. Letting go of wishing he was some how different. Letting go of thinking I could some how do the one magically thing that would make him different.

3) Saving myself. Giving myself permission to do what was right for me. Clearing my thinking.

Once I could do that, I could detach from the power struggle. His accusations, blame, guilt tripping, and manipulations no longer mattered. That was a process. I could leave him to his own reality without having to defend mine. I separated.



You can make that happen. You are the only one that can make that happen That power is right there inside you, waiting for you to be ready. It will always be there.
This is what I would say if it wasn't already so elegantly stated.
Accept. You don't get what you wanted.
Detach. Let go of THAT dream and create anew.
Act. Stop waiting for him. I didn't want to divorce. I didn't like it. I wanted it to feel right or good or something.
I decided it would never feel good. And he wasn't going to change. And how he was didn't work.
The only logical thing was to divorce.

I had to make that choice logically because my heart rebelled all the way through.
I just held my feelings and moved forward (as awkwardly as I did).

((tuff)) I FEEL you, sister! I REALLY do!
Suckage on a stick.

p
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Old 06-21-2011, 01:09 PM
  # 52 (permalink)  
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Suckage on a stick...that's funny! LOL!

I don't want to date the other guy. Are you kidding me? Ack! That's the last thing I need. But it is a little painful sign to me that I can't, even if I wanted to, because I am legally married and I value my vows. I need to be completely free to pursue other men.

I searched this forum and found another thread from 2009 on this very topic - why we can caught up in going back to the hardware store for bread. I found some very good info there...eloquently written by Ago.

We are powerless over alcohol, people, places and things

I am powerless over anything or anybody I give my power to.

So the moment I NEED bread from a hardware store or anywhere else for that matter I am powerless over that, or the moment I NEED someone else to conform to my definition of love I am in trouble, Love has to be something you give, not something you get.

The 3 C's, one is "we can't control it" when I am trying to get a loaf of bread from a human being incapable of giving me MY version of bread, I am trying to control them.

The only way to get bread is from within, is to make it ourselves. The answer is always found from within, never from other people or "hardware stores"


I copied and pasted the entire reply (this is one small piece of it) for future reads. I recognize today I am not taking my own advice of "doing something different." I am actively participating in the madness by doing nothing different. I am being just as controlling expecting that the damn hardware store is going to have bread this time! I have this vision of myself, going up to the hardware cashier (some old grizzly guy with denim overalls on) and asking "where is the bread?" He says, "we don't carry bread here. This is a hardware store." So I leave and come back the next day, "Is the bread in yet?" and the old guy says "We don't carry bread here". So I come back the next day, and the next, and everyday for 6 months, asking for bread. AT some point the cashier is going to call the cops to have me arrested for harassment.

I need to stop being that person. It's embarrassing to me now. It's time.
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Old 06-21-2011, 07:33 PM
  # 53 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by m1k3 View Post
SKW, OT but everytime I look at your avatar I see a heart right next to one of them aliens with the big eyes, and I think he's singing. This is what happens when you live with an A for 15 years. It effects you.
Sorry OT...Mike, I see the same thing and I'm convinced that's just how I see normally. Heck, when the first Batman came out I saw the "Bat Signal" billboard everyday for 3 months and had no idea what the heck it was...I kept seeing he negative space, not the bat. What does that say about me??? Maybe I can blame it on too many oil paint fumes from my art. LMAO
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Old 06-21-2011, 08:42 PM
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If I file, he can remain forever the victim of that big mean Tuffgirl who moved out(gasp) and then proceeded to divorce him (double gasp).
Get out of his head. He's going to do and be whatever he part he wants to write into the script of his life for himself. Probably the Poor Innocent Victim part.

So what?

That's not reality. That's his script. The one he writes for his life so that he can justify doing whatever it is he wants to do. He might not be drinking, but he sure as hell isn't recovered if he's blaming you for everything and refusing to take responsibility.

So that's him. Forget him, as CeeLo Green would say.

What about you? You want to move forward. You want to get on with your life. So file. Boom! Be done with him, be done with it. Just because filing might play right into what he wants doesn't mean it's the wrong thing. Be careful that you don't avoid doing something you really want to do just because it might be what he wants you to do, too.

Get out of his head. Get him out of your head. Like someone here said to me -- "pretend he's dead, that should do it!" (although if he were dead you wouldn't have to file, there is that...). What action would you take if you weren't thinking about how HE would react to it?

Sometimes, the best way to get out of a power struggle is to let go.
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