outonalimb

If you only knew how your words have helped me today... (but then again, I think you probably DO know...)

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Turns out my exah crawled into the back of a preachers van.
The preacher called my exah's brother- the brother went and got him - and my exah is now in the ER.

He's right where he needs to be without any intervention or rescuring on my part. Imagine that!!

I'm staying out of it.

There was a period of a few hours this morning where I didn't know if he was alive or dead and I panicked but I turned it over to God and came to work.

On with my life.

My exah is going to have to figure it out on his own.

I'm not going to rescue him.

Not my job.

I just lost all perspective (and all recovery) in a moment of panic.

And soloMio...I just want to say thank you especially to you for your post. So many of my actions have been fear-driven. Afraid that something would happen to my son's father and my son would look at me one day and say WHY didn't I do something to help his dad? To save his dad? Fear of this outcome has been the driving source of my codependence and insanity.

And yet, my son is in alateen.
He's getting a good education about addiction.
And he relies on me for security and stability.
I AM doing the right thing by my son.
And I'm doing the right thing for me too.

And I letting my exah experience the full consequences of his decisions/actions. I'm giving him a strangly wrapped gift.

I just lost it for a minute.
But I'm okay now.


Thank you all so much for talking me off of the ledge this morning.
I'm going to be okay.
And I have you and my recovery tools to thank for this fact.

Big huge mega hugs and love going out to all of you today.

((((((((((((SR Friends))))))))))))))))))))))

Mary

lillamy

Amazing how God works. Amazing.

breakingglass

glad to hear that!

best wishes to you.....

kittykitty

I'm glad he is okay, and i', especially glad that you had nothing to do with it.

We all lose it once in a while. We all take it back, turn it over, take it back, turn it over... i challenge anyone here to say they haven't struggled like that in the past. Some things are just harder to turn over than others.

This is my new thing now, every time I see the word fear i want to share what a friend told me it stands for:
False
Expectations
Appearing
Real

Anticipating what the future will hold is exhausting, and I have found that 90% of the time I am wrong. Most of the time, because I thrived on stress and malfunction, I would anticipate the worst possible outcome, and blame and prepare myself for it. Similar to what you were doing I think, picturing him lying next to a dumpster with no shoes, all dirty and bleeding from getting beaten up. Our imagination can get pretty vivid when we lose control like that. Anticipating the worst, so the blame we put on ourselves is horrendous. It's weird how codies do that, I know I do. I make it as hard on myself as possible. Worst case scenarios, and somehow they are always my fault.

And in actuality, he ended up in a better place than you could have offered him, even if you went to rescue him. Better for you, and better for him. What a relief.

HP works in mysterious ways. Perhaps your suffering and worry was a lesson, an opportunity for you to learn just how powerless you are over what he chooses to do. Many times, I hear, when we ask our HP to remove a shortcoming of ours, He presents a few opportunities for us to experience those shortcomings full force, to illustrate how right we are to remove them. What a lesson, in so many ways.

eaglette

Kitty, I love the acronym! Thanks for posting it.

transformyself

There ya go Sister. Just keep doing this one, amazing thing and before you know it, you'll have built the safe place you've always searched for. Right here in your own life.

Ok ok, it seems like it takes an eternity when we're changing that programming, but it is so worth it.

Hugs to you!

LexieCat

Man, I'm so sorry you have had so much to deal with. Letting go is sometimes the hardest thing in the world.

I'm glad he's in a safe place for now. I sometimes think it's a real shame that our society has made it so difficult to keep people with serious mental disorders in a safe place for their own protection. I'm aware of the arguments on both sides, but it seems to have swung too far on the side of freedom for people to suffer and die.

There really wouldn't have been anything long-term you could do to help him, even if you had temporarily "rescued" him.

Hugs, many,

Learn2Live

I know, seems weird, right? My brother is very mentally ill and homeless. But yes, this is His answer. When I let go, I also let go of thinking I ever had any idea what is "right" or "good" for someone else, or for someone else's life, or someone else's journey. This is not your journey; this is HIS journey. It's between XAH and HIS Higher Power. Not between you and your Higher Power. And not between you and his Higher Power. Keep your focus on your side of the street. Remember, nobody forced him downtown. These are his choices he is making. He must realize the consequences of his own actions.

I was that way once. I had to figure it out and find my way. So does my brother. So does your XAH. Feeling bad, guilty, or sorry for him is not going to help him.

Yep, you could have gone out there to get him. You still can if the opportunity presents itself. But you are just going to wind up right back here:

HE has to do what is necessary for HIS life. YOU have to do what is necessary for YOUR life. The guilt you allow yourself to feel and continue is part of what keeps you on the rollercoaster. You've chosen to STEP off the rollercoaster. That's actually the easy part. Now, you have to decide each and every day of your life, every morning when you wake up, whether or not you are going to step back on the rollercoaster today.

It's good that you recognize how you feel. But you can CHOOSE what you accept responsibility for and what you allow others to accept responsibility for. I have to constantly remind myself of what is and is not my responsibility. And what is and is not my business.

(((hugs))) keep posting. You're doing great.

skippernlilg

Outonalimb (((HUGS)))

You know, a message came to mind so I thought I'd share it.

You are an angel.

You are not the Head Angel.

There are lots of angels out here in the world.

He will find his own wings when it's the right time.

Patience and virtue.

---skipper

theuncertainty

Lots and lots of hugs, Outonalimb. It's so difficult, but you did the right thing for you and your son. You know that, though, right? - easier to rationalize it than to feel it, I know. One thing I am slowly, slowly and painfully, learning is that our HP can only do what we get out the way to let him do. Both us and the person we're praying for.

Our HP can only work on the 'broken' stuff in our life if we let go and let him work. And generally, if we're the ones that need to be 'fixed', I've found that more often than not, he's trying to show us what needs to be done and it's up to us to follow through.

Please do let go of the guilt. You do not have to shoulder it. It's your XAH's choice to use the help that's shown to him or not. Hang in there.
:ghug3

outonalimb

What a blessing you all are to me!! Truly!!

Thank you so much for all of your comments. Time and time again, I'm overwhelmed by the wisdom and support this place offers. THANK YOU!!!

I learned a very powerful and humbling lesson today. I'm not in charge. And even more important... I DON'T WANT TO BE!!

With huge gratitude...
Mary

TakingCharge999

Mary glad you are back on track! I am glad you are setting a good example for your son.
We can panic and ask for help and you did just that.

You are the one who rocks! and I am glad he is in good care now. I hope he takes this chance to get better.

In SR I learned this motto, from anvilhead I think

NOT MY PROBLEM
NOT MY PROBLEM
NOT MY PROBLEM

MayaandMe

I think you are doing awesome.
Asking hard questions is okay...just don't hold yourself responsible for something that you are not.

Sending hugs and prayers...

dollydo

Mary,

Your baaaaack!

Babyblue

I read in your posts about all the things you DID do for him. So you did whatever you possibly could to tend to a very ill adult. That is not a small undertaking and turns out he did not follow through on the help. That isn't your fault and nothing you do would have changed that.

He is in the ER now, but he may not follow through on the help they will offer him either. Or he will. Either way it isn't something you have any control over. You are doing all the right things and your son needs a mom who isn't taken over by taking care of an adult who cannot seem to get himself the help he needs. By focusing on your son, you are doing your AH a huge favor. Probably the most important job anyone could do in his absence.

Give yourself credit for being a survivor I see strength in you, not helplessness or weakness.

chicory

I am keeping him in prayer that he will take help. and for you, your son, and your peace of mind.


big , big hug,
chicory

LaPinturaBella

I'm very glad that you are feeling better, Outonalimb. And I'm glad that exAH is getting some kind of herlp. I'll pray that he really takes it and accepts the gift this time.

Just wanted to chime in on the part about "God doing this to him." I believe God doesn't DO anything to any of us. If God did, that would mean our lives were all mapped out in advance and anything we did or didn't do wouldn't matter one tiny bit. God gave each of us Free Will. We have each been given the freedom to make our own choices and chart the course of our lives. Part of that freedom is the fact that if we make poor or bad choices, we suffer the natural consequences.

Hopefully we learn from and make new choices to rectify the poor ones. So YOU have nothing to feel guilty for. You can be sad, I'm sure God is just as sad, if not more so. But this is in no way, shape or form "on you." It's not your responsibility because you aren't him, you can't make him choose the right choice and you can't rescue him from his consequences.

My 2 cents. I'll pray he sees this wake up call and heeds it. And I pray for peace for all concerned.