he stopped, i'm sad

Old 06-16-2011, 11:00 AM
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he stopped, i'm sad

well my AH stopped least for 3 months now, and i am so proud of him. the problem is me. why am i so depressed all the time? shouldn't i be happy now that the stress from his drinking is gone? could my depression be a part of his alcoholism? i'm so confused right now. i thought i would be so happy but i'm not.... what's wrong with me??

i wonder if it could be that he no longer goes anywhere with be because everywhere you go, there's alcohol. he hibrinates in that house day after day and i think he's afraid to be out around other people in a social atmosphere. we dont go out with other couples anymore either because everyone we know drinks. i know they told him in the meetings that he needs to distance himself from "those people" .... but those people are our friends....some of them have been for more than 40 years!! how do you just drop your friends because your husband has a drinking problem? i don't want us to drift apart because of this .....but i don't want to loose my dearest friends in the world either.........
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Old 06-16-2011, 11:44 AM
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BreakingGlass, is he part of a program like AA or something like it? There is a big difference between being sober and being in recovery?

As for yourself, are you working a recovery? Try some al-anon meetings. That will give you a chance to meet some people face to face who understand exactly what you are going through.

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Old 06-16-2011, 12:00 PM
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Originally Posted by breakingglass View Post
shouldn't i be happy now that the stress from his drinking is gone? could my depression be a part of his alcoholism? i'm so confused right now. i thought i would be so happy but i'm not.... what's wrong with me??
The stress from the drinking may be gone, but the change that brought also seems to have brought you different stress. I went through this and all of the confusion that came with it and that will lessen and hopefully heal as you learn more about alcoholism.

Also, his alcoholism is not brought on by your depression. Taking on that guilt is not what you need right now.
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Old 06-16-2011, 04:39 PM
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Three months is early for both of you in his sobriety. Hopefully in time he will feel secure enough in his recovery to not exclude real friends from his life. In the meantime there isn't any reason why you cannot continue these friendships. Real friends will understand.

It is depressing maybe to watch him go through his stuff right now but this too shall pass. I always try to remember the 'greater cause' when things get uncomfortable or depressing with recovery. Recovery means things get better but it is a process.

Or maybe the depression is in holding so much for so long about the alcoholism. Kind of a release of feelings that are difficult. Even the best of friends may not understand this so have you considered therapy through this time?
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Old 06-16-2011, 05:32 PM
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Happiness comes from within, not from whether or not someone else is sober and social.

May your own happiness surface through thoughts of others and find you today (((hugs))).
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Old 06-16-2011, 08:43 PM
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I agree with the above. You're recovery is different from his and will take it's own course. He may have fears of being out in a social setting but that does not mean you must shoulder those fears. That's a trait of codependency that gets us all stuck in the first place.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. If you would normally adjust your life to accommodate what he's doing or feeling, then do the opposite. Go out and live. He can choose to join you when/if he feels comfortable. In time, a balance will come.
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Old 06-17-2011, 07:25 AM
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I read Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More" recently. In it, I was comforted to find a few passages: Here:

"Alcoholism and other compulsive disorders are truly family illnesses. The way the illness affects other family members is called codependency.

Once they have been affected--once 'it' sets in--codependnecy takes on a life of its own. It is similar to catching pneumonia or picking up a destructive habit. Once you've got it, you've got it.

If you want to get rid of it, *you* have to do something to make it go away. It doesn't matter whose fault it is. Your codependency becomes your problem; solving your problems become your responsibility."

Ok, so how I see this in your situation, is that you have several options before you:

You can read all over SR, including the very helpful stickies above, post here, find your nearest and most applicable-to-you Al-anon meeting, and start your work. If you work it, it does work.

Oh, and
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Old 06-20-2011, 09:37 AM
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thanks everyone for your thoughts and advice. i think i may go to therapy and talk to someone. i know i have to deal with my feelings myself. i am almost positive that his drinking got me to this point. and part of the problem is my lack of drive and ambition. i've gained more weight than i care to look at in a mirror and my eating habits have gotten so bad. i really want to quit smoking too so i think park of the problem is that when i think of all these things that i think i SHOULD be doing and those i know i SHOULDN'T, i get depressed. maybe its me that needs to heal me...... i see what some of you mean.... i am the only one capable of fixing me.

one good thing..... i was afraid i wouldn't like my AH being sober. i've heard of people quitting alcohol and then finding out they didn't really like each other in the first place because they never really knew each other in anything but a drunken state. but he's a wonderful man and has a great sense of humor and i love being around him now......
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Old 06-20-2011, 09:33 PM
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I think seeing a therapist is a great idea. Depression (even situational depression) can be debilitating if not dealt with. And, depression is really anger turned inward onto the self. So, this sounds like a great step to uncover your true feelings and really start healing.

I hope it goes well for you!
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