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So Frustrating!

Old 06-19-2011, 11:47 AM
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So Frustrating!

So my AH makes a comment about his nephew and I answered him by saying, "XXX has to drink before he goes to work?" and my AH responds affirmatively and says, "now, THAT'S an alcoholic."

I wandered away and came back to the computer as he went on a rant about it not being alcoholism when you come home from work and have a few beers, quack, quack, quack...didn't really listen to what he was saying...

...because I get so frustrated about his denial. And more than that --- he won't even empower himself with knowledge. That's what really gets me...if I had a problem (and I guess it's that he doesn't really believe he has a problem), I would want to learn, learn, learn and read, read, read. But he won't. And I know it's all part of the denial, but it's so aggravating!

At one point in college I was a psychology major, so it's part of my make-up to be interested in human behavior and what makes people tick, and so it's so foreign to me to see him have such a disinterest. Even if I was in denial, but others suggested I had some disease, I would want to know all about it and WHY they thought that I did. I just can't wrap my head around it all, and I know it's part of the insanity, and I have to let it go to avoid making myself insane, but I'm not there yet and I am just really annoyed...again.

Thanks for letting me share!
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Old 06-19-2011, 02:39 PM
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Yes, that's some deflection for you.

What I observed in my exABF is that no matter how much I would get answers, resources, or help, it did not matter to him. He was bound and determined to dive even deeper into his disease, and boy, did he ever!

I'm glad I didn't let it suck me deeper than it already had.

Don't get mad, get healthy!! For you.
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Old 06-19-2011, 04:11 PM
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Being an alcoholic does not in any way qualify us alcoholics for knowing about the disease. I didn't understand anything about alcoholism, yet, I thought I was an expert! I thought I knew ALL about it because my parents were alcoholics.
Wrong.
It is not really a psychological form of delusion. Most alcoholics are not psychologically disturbed. It is just the delusional way of thinking that comes with drinking. However, some alcoholics are disturbed, chronically depressed and or mentally ill.

I wouldn't to psychoanalyze your husband. Just make your boundaries and remember the three Cīs....
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Old 06-20-2011, 07:52 AM
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Call it denial... call it a defense mechanism... call it whatever you want - I think the reality is that it's human nature. It's not fun to look deep inside and realize that we are wrong, broken, defective... and I think the more wrong or broken we feel, the harder it is to admit just how bad things are.

Change is HARD. Really hard... and the longer we've had a habit - the harder it is to break it. So whether it's drinking, over-eating, gambling, shopping, enabling... whatever your addiction - you can either face the facts and do the hard work - or look around you for someone who's worse than you so you don't feel so bad and stay stuck in your sickness.

That's been the hardest part about my recovery - is to stop comparing myself (and AH) to others. I have to keep my focus squarely on me and my little world - what do I want it to look like versus what it is... and then keep working towards my goal. I have had to learn patience. I've had to learn to slow down and realize that real, true change takes time and that I need to work on smaller steps and keeping sustained progress. It's hard - recovering from my codependency and enabling.

I can't even imagine how scary it has to be for an alcoholic to have to face their truths - nor do I want to get in my AH's head and figure that out! I have enough work trying to figure myself out!!!!
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Old 06-20-2011, 07:59 AM
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Reaching the point where you drink in the morning before going to work starts with coming home from work and having a "few" drinks, or only drinking on weekends. Alcoholism is progressive. No one starts out needing an alcohol fix before leaving for work. At some point, if the nephew doesn't get help, he'll be taking off work to drink. It's a progression and it never gets better unless they get help.

What you are seeing in the nephew is where your husband is headed if he doesn't do something about it. Even if he doesn't see that, you do, and you should plan accordingly.
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Old 06-20-2011, 08:41 AM
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Suki, that is exactly what I was thinking except for my twisted way of looking at things. What popped in to my mind as I read that was "Don't worry, you'll catch up."
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Old 06-20-2011, 12:49 PM
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I've seen the same thing in my AW. When my daughter or I confront her, she will not admit that she is an alcoholic or that she has a problem...or even that she shouldn't drink.

Her response is "What's the big deal if I have a drink or two?". Yet, over the last couple of years, she has fallen several times, broke her glasses, broke my recliner, busted her nose, and finally broke her ankle. She won't deny that these things happened, but will not, or cannot admit that these are signs of a problem. She also hides her booze and lies about drinking.

I understand your frustration.
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Old 06-20-2011, 01:33 PM
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My xah has been in and out of treatment and detoxes and ER's over the last couple of years. He got out of his most recent, and longest, inpatient treatment and decided to go stay with his brother. He'd been sober for about 3 months at that time. His brother is an alcoholic. He was there a few days and we met for a child function and he looked at me and said "Blah blah blah...He's a mess. I just want to tell him xyz. Do you know what it is like living with an alcoholic like that?"

I didn't say one word. I had already let go. I have accepted him for who he is (but finally understand that doesn't equal excepting who he is as my husband) and of course this is very freeing and monumental for me but the unexpected gift of that is I once again have compassion for a man that I once loved and then hated, resented, and despised for a very long time. That statement didn't cause a well spring of anger or indignation but mostly just sadness and a little disbelief. It will not frustrate you when it no longer matters 'to your life'. Your life doesn't change based on his denial or awareness. You'll get there. Keep focusing on your life and yourself. I wish I had some words of wisdom to highlight the path.
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Old 06-20-2011, 02:47 PM
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I heard it once said:

alcoholism ~ the only disease that tells you ~ you don't have a disease!
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