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I just signed a new lease, but...

Old 05-24-2011, 03:57 AM
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I just signed a new lease, but...

I have so many things to do that it's surprising how I'm NOT trying to rush around and do these things. I mean, I have A LOT to do and I'm sitting with this glazed look not quite knowing what to do next. I'm still in this state where I just want to anesthetize myself - go back to my old tricks of lazing around so I can ignore what's around me. Not gonna work.

So, I signed a lease on a new apartment yesterday. I haven't told my husband. I don't know how to tell my husband. I don't know when to tell my husband. And because I'm still on the lease (I know, there was no avoiding it) it behooves me to clean this place up as best I can with the hopes that he finds a roommate to help with the rent (what he claims he wants to do).

Am I a coward for not wanting to tell him that I'll be moving out in a week?

We'd talked about my taking another apartment (more like my telling him I'd spent all day looking at apts. Conversely, another time, him telling me I MUST get another apartment), but these "conversations" always ended up with a drunken binge and I'd rather not deal...

In the meantime, I have a ton of work on my hands that really could have been done weeks ago. Because my new apt. won't have internet to start off with and I need internet access to complete these tasks, I really have to get them done this week. And here I am, doing nothing. What's wrong with me?

There's packing, and I also have to call the super to get certain things fixed that my husband hasn't bothered with (again, better to do since I'm still technically responsible). I have to set up electricity, phone, internet, etc. Why am I so sedentary?
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Old 05-24-2011, 04:31 AM
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Stress can send you into that "I want to hibernate til it's over" world. Unfortunately when I crawl out from my cave, I find a bigger load of c**p to cope with.

Start with some chore that is easiest and work up to where you can see what you have accomplished, and keep putting that darn foot in front of the other.

As for AH, well as he is so "sensitive" to you even mentioning leaving, maybe do as much as you can do before telling him anything more, or hopefully you may even be ready to leave before he notices changes in the home.

I do hope you take a bit of time out for you, eat well and remember why you are doing all this. Look at it as a beginning and not as an ending.
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Old 05-24-2011, 04:36 AM
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I can't answer the sedantary question but it does sound like there is something inside of you telling to be concerned about telling your husband. Respecting feelings is something I have learned to honor....one way to tell him is to do all that you need to do to move (have it done or all ready to go) and then tell him.

Are you afraid that he will go into a rage/become abusive or become sweet and talk you out of it? I know that there are so many "parts in me" that all want different things and different results. It's really hard to sort them out....sometimes the "part" that wants to zone out steps him and I immobilize.

You have made so many firm steps....telling other people what I am doing has kept me "honest" (ie doing what I have planned). There are parts of me that want to erase all of my plans and stay right were I am....it's a known quantity and the move means stepping out into the vast unknown....it's scary.

Sending you hugs and warm thoughts.
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Old 05-24-2011, 04:50 AM
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You are making the right moves. I just moved out this weekend and even just a couple of days away from the craziness has been bliss.

As for the lethargy, make a list of all the things that need to be done and the do them one at a time. As you start to cross things off the list you'll begin to feel back in control.

Going for a walk is a good way to get energy back. One other thing, lots of places have free wi-fi now. So even if your not connected you can still get stuff done.

Stay the course you'll be glad you did.
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Old 05-24-2011, 05:03 AM
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Believe me, I still become immobilized at times when I feel overwhelmed with stuff--it's hard to get moving and take the first step on SOMETHING where you feel like you don't know where to start.

Getting started, though, is the crucial thing. I think as you cross off some of the smaller tasks some momentum will build, and the thought of talking to him will also lose some of its power--it will become more REAL to you, and that will make the talk easier. It's no longer a hypothetical situation, but one that will happen.
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Old 05-24-2011, 05:49 AM
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THANK YOU ALL!!! I've been going SOOO crazy this last month -balancing all of these things. Just went out with the doggie and have a tentative move-out date that works with my schedule. Got some errands to run, but a LIST will be one of the things I'll be making while on the subway.

THANK YOU M1K3 (Mike?), I think I get so frantic and doomsday-ish that I forget little details like "it's not the end of the world if I can't get internet Day1". I even scoped out my new neighborhood the day after I put in the application for JUST THIS REASON.

Really, I can't say how much you all have been voices of reason in such an unreasonable time.

-Higher Power Bless!
I'm off, one foot in front of the other. maybe I'll even try to get to a meeting tonight.
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Old 05-24-2011, 05:56 AM
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Yes Yes Yes go to a meeting great plan

I understand 100% why you don't want to tell your husband yet.

Don't feel guilty you are just trying to take care of you and the less drama the better for the both of you.

I live alone and I love it I even got a cat..

Welcome to your new life DRAMA FREE
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Old 05-24-2011, 07:55 AM
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I get the same way - avoidance - when something big is looming over me. I've taken a lot of "sick" days over the last 5 months so I could go back to bed and hide from the world. Unfortunately, as others have said already, it just piles up. Especially at work, ugh!

So now I take things one at a time. I focus on what I can accomplish today and today only. I force myself not to go out to the bigger picture but determine what I have control over just today. It helps to narrow the focus a bit.

Telling someone you are leaving is never easy - even if it is just for physical space for now. But the only way through it it through it. Stay strong!

Sending prayers and positive thoughts that all goes well in the end...once your are moved in and settled and can relax in peace. Such a nice feeling!
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Old 05-24-2011, 10:03 AM
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Well done! I am so impressed with your resolve, your plan, and your execution. So many here get to the planning stage and stall. You are following through and that' s a great example for the rest of us (and certainly for me).

Thank you so much RECF.



Cyranoak

I, too, would leave regardless of the lease status. It is well worth the money IMHO.
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Old 05-24-2011, 10:37 AM
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Do the next thing in front of you. One thing at a time. The next thing you have to do -- just do it. No, you are not a coward for not telling him. You'll figure it out. You'll tell him when you are ready. Not before.

See if you can take your name off the lease -- so you are not liable. Protect yourself from liability. Plan to move. If there's a problem, call the police.

You will be fine.

Originally Posted by RECF View Post
I have so many things to do that it's surprising how I'm NOT trying to rush around and do these things. I mean, I have A LOT to do and I'm sitting with this glazed look not quite knowing what to do next. I'm still in this state where I just want to anesthetize myself - go back to my old tricks of lazing around so I can ignore what's around me. Not gonna work.

So, I signed a lease on a new apartment yesterday. I haven't told my husband. I don't know how to tell my husband. I don't know when to tell my husband. And because I'm still on the lease (I know, there was no avoiding it) it behooves me to clean this place up as best I can with the hopes that he finds a roommate to help with the rent (what he claims he wants to do).

Am I a coward for not wanting to tell him that I'll be moving out in a week?

We'd talked about my taking another apartment (more like my telling him I'd spent all day looking at apts. Conversely, another time, him telling me I MUST get another apartment), but these "conversations" always ended up with a drunken binge and I'd rather not deal...

In the meantime, I have a ton of work on my hands that really could have been done weeks ago. Because my new apt. won't have internet to start off with and I need internet access to complete these tasks, I really have to get them done this week. And here I am, doing nothing. What's wrong with me?

There's packing, and I also have to call the super to get certain things fixed that my husband hasn't bothered with (again, better to do since I'm still technically responsible). I have to set up electricity, phone, internet, etc. Why am I so sedentary?
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Old 05-24-2011, 10:39 AM
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Originally Posted by RECF View Post
I have so many things to do that it's surprising how I'm NOT trying to rush around and do these things. I mean, I have A LOT to do and I'm sitting with this glazed look not quite knowing what to do next. I'm still in this state where I just want to anesthetize myself - go back to my old tricks of lazing around so I can ignore what's around me. Not gonna work.

So, I signed a lease on a new apartment yesterday. I haven't told my husband. I don't know how to tell my husband. I don't know when to tell my husband. And because I'm still on the lease (I know, there was no avoiding it) it behooves me to clean this place up as best I can with the hopes that he finds a roommate to help with the rent (what he claims he wants to do).

Am I a coward for not wanting to tell him that I'll be moving out in a week?

We'd talked about my taking another apartment (more like my telling him I'd spent all day looking at apts. Conversely, another time, him telling me I MUST get another apartment), but these "conversations" always ended up with a drunken binge and I'd rather not deal...

In the meantime, I have a ton of work on my hands that really could have been done weeks ago. Because my new apt. won't have internet to start off with and I need internet access to complete these tasks, I really have to get them done this week. And here I am, doing nothing. What's wrong with me?

There's packing, and I also have to call the super to get certain things fixed that my husband hasn't bothered with (again, better to do since I'm still technically responsible). I have to set up electricity, phone, internet, etc. Why am I so sedentary?

What's wrong with you? Absolutely nothing! You are just a bit overwhelmed. It's a very traumatic time. Just relax. Go to your meetings. Do the next thing in front of you. One thing at a time. Make a list. Do one thing at a time. Then cross it off the list. It will feel good. Relax.

You are focusing on yourself and you are DOING THAT RIGHT!!!
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Old 05-24-2011, 12:36 PM
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If you are afraid about your safety what I would do is have a neighbor or a friend or someone with me when I tell him. Safety comes first. I do not know details but when I left the alcoholic I just took my things and took a cab and arrived to a friend's house the moment she said I could stay at her place.
It was very hard and we were not even married - I applaud your courage.
Try making a list and then breaking each activity to smaller and smaller bits... "cleaning apartment" is HUGE for me, its a huge MESS but from there I can go
"pick up clothes"
"iron trousers"
"clean bathroom's window"
"brush cats"

And keep on breaking them down..
"brush cats" can go
"brush Dolce"
"look for thin brush in the green box"
"brush Gabanna"
"look for green brush"

"hand them salmon prizes"

And well on and on until its something specific and small. Very slowly but I am starting to see a difference in my apartment so, divide and conquer!!
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Old 05-24-2011, 04:53 PM
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Your cats are named Dolce and Gabbana, beautiful! My dog's name is Willow (we didn't name her, the pound did), but I'm thinking that when I move I'm gonna change her name to Lala, for no other reason than I can. She always responds to me no matter what I do.

In the meantime, all I can say is that when it rains it pours. I got another job offer today with a competing company (don't get all excited, it's still considered 'entry-level' for NYC), but it IS for more $moula$. I actually negotiated with the 1st company that hired me to match them. I'm proud that I was able to do that.

With the hubby, I'm civil with him. I'm trying to drop hints that he shouldn't get used to my company or that I am pleased with past/current behavior. I still feel like I wish I could tell him before, but I just would loathe the reaction.

I still have a lot of work to do. But I made a ton of phone calls today, including hiring a guy to help me move. TakingCharge999, does a big burly, hairy mover-man count as someone there while I move?

It's hard though, he's sober today, and when he's sober I think 'It's not THAT bad, aren't I a little over-dramatic?'
And... maybe sometimes I can be, but the terror I felt at times - regardless the cause - was real. This is what Al-anon will be good for. Finding out why I thought it was okay to put myself into situations that made me feel terrorized, or where that feeling comes from.

For the record, he's never beaten me - thrown things at me, called me horrible names for hours on end, badgered me for sex til I did what he asked just to shut him up - all of these thing, yes. Unfortunately, where I live, the cops can't take you away for any of that. If he ain't hittin' ya, he ain't leavin'... Oh, and did I mention NYC. It's Bottom-line all the time. Landlord will only let me out of the lease if I PAY$$$ UP! Thanks for all the support. Maybe in the next couple of months I'll be writing you about how great my life is, yadda, yadda!
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Old 05-25-2011, 09:23 AM
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Originally Posted by RECF View Post
Landlord will only let me out of the lease if I PAY$$$ UP!
Not sure about New York, but in my state they'll automatically renew the lease when it expires unless you give enough advanced notice.
If New York does that, as well, you might want to mention to the landlord that your name should be removed from the lease when the current term expires. Just in case.
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