banisheggshells

I'd like you to tell me how to live without needing outside validation. LOL! (kidding, but really, answer that question if you know. Which book is that in? I own most of the Melody Beattie books).

I've been reading here for months. Typical story, wife divorces AH, who's used for years off and on, lying, rehab, etc. I managed to compartmentalize/detach/go no contact (except for necessary children stuff) for the last year so I could focus on the kids and their emotions and selling the house and moving into a new place. This made the divorce easier. Now we are settled in our own place, our own calm and happy life and well, as you can guess, all my emotional mess showed up. I've been working on that pretty hard for about the last 3 months.

So my pat on the back: XAH cancels seeing child, he's too busy, yada, yada, yada. Child is devastated. Old Codie me would have come up with 10 different times/ways he could see child and tried to get this to happen. New me? Said "no problem, child will see you on X date then"

Phew! I did it. That was so, so hard! Now, tell me why I feel the need to run around and tell everyone how much I am progressing? Because this need for validation is the reason I have finally joined SR. Sick huh?

My IRL friends won't get it because honestly, 1/2 of them are codies. Now I see it and realize how those are NOT the people who I call when I need real advice on this emotional mess part.

Thank you all so, so much for letting me "read over your shoulder" these last few months. You have no idea how much you teach people by your example!

wicked

Yes! You did do it!

I think it is human nature to want others who have been down the path to validate our progress. We are social beings. Yeah, that is my adult mature answer.

Now, I will say as a recovering addict, codependent, and ACOA, I want recognition, prizes, cake and a pat on the back!

Still work to do.


Awareness is the key, and a sense of humor helps me.

Beth

(I love your name! banish egg shells right now!)

kittykitty

Alanon is how I live without the need for outside validation. The answer is not in a book. The answer is within YOU.

barb dwyer

I completely agree with the alanon thing too!

it's a WONDERFUL new start for you
and you can keep working on yourself
where 100% of those around you
are guaranteed codies
but who are also working on themselves!

I tell everyone that recovery
was the best thing to ever happen to me
for that simple reason.

It surrounded me with people
who understood.

I'll love to see you do that for yourself!

SO you got through this one thing =-
now reward yourself somehow.

If it's nothing more than
to buy yourself some self tanning cream
(it's spring everywhere on the planet EXCEPT montana apparently)

or something SOMETHING ...
that only YOU can appreciate.

A new paperback.
A new color eyeshadow.

something.
anything.

That's how we learn to be our OWN validation.
that takes time.

good for you!

lillamy

Because you HAVE!!! And that's a huge big step. And it's better to come here and tell us than to pay a therapist to listen to it!

And I hope to get there in the end, too, to where I don't need outside validation. Not there yet either... but can I say GO YOU! again without sidetracking your recovery?

stella27

I think it's human to want validation. To need it constantly? co-dependent. But you are doing something really HARD and I think you deserve a pat on the back. Good job.

LexieCat

We ALL need validation now and then.

Good job, awesome.

StarCat

I think for people who have gone through what we have survived, and been told constantly that we're in the wrong, we don't understand, we're not doing enough, it's actually a really important part of our recovery to receive validation for our recovery, because that is reinforcing that we are heading in the correct direction.

We second-guess ourselves too much. We allow ourselves to get sucked back into the drama and the unhealthy behaviors. We need validation, in some part, to help ourselves stay out of it until we are strong enough to recognize our healthy behaviors on our own.

Once we reach that point, the need for validation lessens. I remember soon after leaving XABF I needed people to constantly tell me I was doing the right thing. Now I am at the point where I can share with people what I did, really proudly, and be satisfied with a "Great job!" Eventually, I will not need that "Great job!"

That said, that doesn't mean I won't still want it, every once in awhile.


Great job! You are doing awesome, and it's exciting! Hooray!

I, too, love your username. All this talk of validation and banishing egg shells makes me want to bake a chocolate cake tonight, then prance around the kitchen on the empty eggshells and stomp them into a million pieces.
The kitchen floor is already filthy, and I'll already have to clean it because I have company coming over on Friday, so maybe I will do that.