All things happen for a reason...
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
All things happen for a reason...
and this weekend was no different. As I mentioned on Friday in my "Roll with It" post, AH's plans got all botched up and he ended up not going out of town. I didn't let it derail me. The kids and I stayed detached and had fun Friday night. We went golfing and out to dinner. Afterwards they wanted ice cream and really wanted Daddy to join us. I sent a simple text telling him we were going, where we'd be and the kids would like him to join us.... and then I let go. He did meet us there, drunk, of course, but participated for his 30 minutes and left. I was glad he came for the kids.
He was busy all morning saturday helping his family/grandparents move. Kids and I did our thing. He came home around 1pm, did his "chore" (spray weed killer on the lawn), showered, and announced to me (kids were outside playing with neighbors) that he was going to a party and won't be around the rest of the evening. I said Okay, and let go. He hadn't seen the kids in several days, but that's his business, his choices... not mine.
So, I called my girlfriend, who just happened to have the weekend alone!!!... and invited her to come over to hang out with me after the kids went to bed. Kids and I had dinner with our neighbors (a great couple that I respect the heck out of!!). After dinner, the wife said to me, "Is everything okay? You and B have not been doing anything together for as long as we can remember." I broke down, told her what was going on, told her we'd be selling the house and moving. I had dreaded this discussion because I LOVE these neighbors. Their kids are best friends with our kids... they are the ONLY reason that I'd fight to keep this house. She felt awful, she agreed that I was doing the right thing... even as much as they didn't want to see us go. She said...
"We have wanted to say something to you about B's drinking. A (her husband) has been so bothered by some of the things he sees, and he knows he's only getting part of the story." Ugh. So... she then says, "A is really going to want to talk to B about this, what do you think?" I said, "Well, A should go talk to that tree over there because it would be a better use of his time." Ha. I'm so snarky these days.
Anyways... kids and I went home. I hung out with my girlfriend, and was SOOO glad she was there. B came home around 11:30, so drunk he couldn't stand, could barely talk, etc. It was good to have a "witness", so to speak.
Sunday morning, a couple of things happened that affirmed my decision to divorce (happens almost constantly now!!). I was getting ready for church when B came in the house... "I'm going to buy donuts with A. I'll be back in a few!" I thought, "uh-oh... how is this going to go?!?!" BUT...
I knew that A is going to do what he wants to do. I had no involvement in it. I need to let go. So, I got ready for church and went by myself.
After church, I was talking to some older, wiser people about the whole situation, and about A wanting to talk to Brian. I said, "Yeah, he's wasting his time. B is a lost cause." Older wiser person said, "No one is a lost cause, but I don't blame you for how you feel right now. The thing is Shannon, we just never know who or what it might be that opens B's eyes & ears. You have chosen to focus on you, and that's right... but you need to let go of the future. You just don't KNOW what could happen." Okay. I got it - have hope.
So... I got a call from A... he had a 3 hr talk with B. Said things went really well. He didn't tell B that he knew any of the dirty details, but said B confessed the whole truth, almost identical to how I told the story. B admitted to having a drinking problem, admitted to grabbing me by the throat, admitted that he's never taken responsibility/apologized, admitted that he gives me silent treatment, and talked about wanting to save the marriage. So, the discussion apparently went well, and A wanted to know where I stood.
I said, "Well A, I appreciate you talking to B. I respect you alot. I think you are a good, grounded, moral human being... and I know that what you said was probably identical to what I've been saying. Though, the benefit of it coming from you... you aren't the "enemy", so to speak, in B's mind. Maybe it will wake him up, I don't know. I do know that I have made it clear, and I mean it, that I am done with the drinking and all the other crap. I will not discuss the marriage until he takes responsibility for his behavior/actions. The ball is in B's court now. I am going to continue on taking care of me and honoring me."
He agreed, and said, "Well, I think he's there. He admitted to me it's a problem. And I think you guys are fixable."
I said, "Wel, I think B knows how to talk the talk. And I think he told you all the right things because he knows it will get you off his back. Time will tell what B choses to do with what you told him. Time will tell."
So... here's where I'm at. A small part of me was hoping that I would come home, and B would say, "Hey can we talk?" Hoping that his conversation with A would have made him "get it"... but, the cynical side of me said, "Take that hope and put it to better use... on yourself, Shannon!!!" I came home. He didn't say a word to me. It was the same old silent treatment. Him watching his TV... avoiding me. So I went to my room, read a book and went to bed.
Nothing changes... and life is moving on. A small part of me is mad at myself for buying into the idea that maybe this time he'd get it. I feel so jaded and bitter towards my husband. I'm so mad that he keeps chosing alcohol over "us".
Thanks for listening.
-Shannon
He was busy all morning saturday helping his family/grandparents move. Kids and I did our thing. He came home around 1pm, did his "chore" (spray weed killer on the lawn), showered, and announced to me (kids were outside playing with neighbors) that he was going to a party and won't be around the rest of the evening. I said Okay, and let go. He hadn't seen the kids in several days, but that's his business, his choices... not mine.
So, I called my girlfriend, who just happened to have the weekend alone!!!... and invited her to come over to hang out with me after the kids went to bed. Kids and I had dinner with our neighbors (a great couple that I respect the heck out of!!). After dinner, the wife said to me, "Is everything okay? You and B have not been doing anything together for as long as we can remember." I broke down, told her what was going on, told her we'd be selling the house and moving. I had dreaded this discussion because I LOVE these neighbors. Their kids are best friends with our kids... they are the ONLY reason that I'd fight to keep this house. She felt awful, she agreed that I was doing the right thing... even as much as they didn't want to see us go. She said...
"We have wanted to say something to you about B's drinking. A (her husband) has been so bothered by some of the things he sees, and he knows he's only getting part of the story." Ugh. So... she then says, "A is really going to want to talk to B about this, what do you think?" I said, "Well, A should go talk to that tree over there because it would be a better use of his time." Ha. I'm so snarky these days.
Anyways... kids and I went home. I hung out with my girlfriend, and was SOOO glad she was there. B came home around 11:30, so drunk he couldn't stand, could barely talk, etc. It was good to have a "witness", so to speak.
Sunday morning, a couple of things happened that affirmed my decision to divorce (happens almost constantly now!!). I was getting ready for church when B came in the house... "I'm going to buy donuts with A. I'll be back in a few!" I thought, "uh-oh... how is this going to go?!?!" BUT...
I knew that A is going to do what he wants to do. I had no involvement in it. I need to let go. So, I got ready for church and went by myself.
After church, I was talking to some older, wiser people about the whole situation, and about A wanting to talk to Brian. I said, "Yeah, he's wasting his time. B is a lost cause." Older wiser person said, "No one is a lost cause, but I don't blame you for how you feel right now. The thing is Shannon, we just never know who or what it might be that opens B's eyes & ears. You have chosen to focus on you, and that's right... but you need to let go of the future. You just don't KNOW what could happen." Okay. I got it - have hope.
So... I got a call from A... he had a 3 hr talk with B. Said things went really well. He didn't tell B that he knew any of the dirty details, but said B confessed the whole truth, almost identical to how I told the story. B admitted to having a drinking problem, admitted to grabbing me by the throat, admitted that he's never taken responsibility/apologized, admitted that he gives me silent treatment, and talked about wanting to save the marriage. So, the discussion apparently went well, and A wanted to know where I stood.
I said, "Well A, I appreciate you talking to B. I respect you alot. I think you are a good, grounded, moral human being... and I know that what you said was probably identical to what I've been saying. Though, the benefit of it coming from you... you aren't the "enemy", so to speak, in B's mind. Maybe it will wake him up, I don't know. I do know that I have made it clear, and I mean it, that I am done with the drinking and all the other crap. I will not discuss the marriage until he takes responsibility for his behavior/actions. The ball is in B's court now. I am going to continue on taking care of me and honoring me."
He agreed, and said, "Well, I think he's there. He admitted to me it's a problem. And I think you guys are fixable."
I said, "Wel, I think B knows how to talk the talk. And I think he told you all the right things because he knows it will get you off his back. Time will tell what B choses to do with what you told him. Time will tell."
So... here's where I'm at. A small part of me was hoping that I would come home, and B would say, "Hey can we talk?" Hoping that his conversation with A would have made him "get it"... but, the cynical side of me said, "Take that hope and put it to better use... on yourself, Shannon!!!" I came home. He didn't say a word to me. It was the same old silent treatment. Him watching his TV... avoiding me. So I went to my room, read a book and went to bed.
Nothing changes... and life is moving on. A small part of me is mad at myself for buying into the idea that maybe this time he'd get it. I feel so jaded and bitter towards my husband. I'm so mad that he keeps chosing alcohol over "us".
Thanks for listening.
-Shannon
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Shannon, hang in there. You have to take care of yourself and your kids first.
I am going through something very similar with my wife right now. I just moved out. Divorce is probably in the future but because she is going to rehab I will give her some time.
Even though its only been a couple of days it has been amazing not having to worry about what craziness is going to happen next. You were probably right about his talk with A. Alcoholic are master manipulators.
r Get in touch with Al-anon, it will help. You need to work on your own recovery.
We are all behind you on this so keep on keeping on.
Trudging that road.
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Seattle Wa
Posts: 6,840
Shannon so sorry for your pain. Alcoholism is such a deadly disease and can be so destructive to a family.
It is good that he admitted he has a problem but unfortunately he needs to do a whole lot more than that.
It is also good that instead of holding it all in you have chosen to vent to some trusted friends.
Have you ever heard or been to Alanon? There you will find many people like you dealing with the same issues. You will also learn how to detach w/love
I will keep you and your family in my prayers..
It is good that he admitted he has a problem but unfortunately he needs to do a whole lot more than that.
It is also good that instead of holding it all in you have chosen to vent to some trusted friends.
Have you ever heard or been to Alanon? There you will find many people like you dealing with the same issues. You will also learn how to detach w/love
I will keep you and your family in my prayers..
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
There's nothing wrong with having hope. Hope is a good thing.
In my case, I hope that XABF will get better. One of the things I like about No Contact is that now I am able to pretend that he is rediscovering the sober version of himself.
Hanging on to that hope with all your might and believing you can make it happen, on the other hand, is a bad thing. Betting on that hope as reality is a bad thing.
I know that XABF is not doing well. We work at the same place, and I hear things. Not a lot, thank goodness - people don't run to me talking about him or anything - but I hear enough to know that "everyone is worried about him." Some probably know he's an alcoholic, others just know he's acting unusual, and his daughter apparently believes he has some massive mental disease that's causing all his erratic behavior (and she knows he drinks too much).
My hope is just that - hope.
And right now, it's not going anywhere, because I like having hope. It makes me feel good.
And right now, I do recognize that my hope is not becoming a reality. That is a large part of why I am never going back, although at this point if he became this dream man I thought he was, perfect recovery, "perfect" everything, I still won't go back - there's too much history now, and too much hurt, and I wouldn't be able to enjoy any sort of relationship with him because I'd always be trying to look around the corner.
So I hope that maybe someday it will happen and he will get better,
I accept that today is probably not the day,
and I go forth into my own recovery.
Hope is good.
It's the expectations that'll know you for a loop.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
sorry i did not hear any AL ANON either or you talking to your sponsor...sponsorship HELPS! and so does AL ANON...please look for a meeting that you feel comfortable with and go...
your moving forward...
~god bless
your moving forward...
~god bless
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
Thta little glimmer of hope does hurt. It was the last thing to fade, and it's cruel to have it resurface after you have made so much progress.
Your hope of his getting better has its place. If he can, if he wants to, if he takes steps to do so, it can ONLY benefit your kids. They deserve a functional dad, whether or not heis married to their mom.
You know you are doing the right thing by deciding what you are willing to live with. You are more educated about the disease of alcoholism than your sweet and supportive neighbor. You know how much you have already endured.
Let the two men have their friendship and tell yourself that if, in two years, he has recovered and is once again the man you know he can be, you can always date him later. Right? But in the meantime, you cannot continue to live with him and expose your kids to the illness on the basis of some words and admissions of needing help.
I know how painful this is. Believe me, I really do.
Your hope of his getting better has its place. If he can, if he wants to, if he takes steps to do so, it can ONLY benefit your kids. They deserve a functional dad, whether or not heis married to their mom.
You know you are doing the right thing by deciding what you are willing to live with. You are more educated about the disease of alcoholism than your sweet and supportive neighbor. You know how much you have already endured.
Let the two men have their friendship and tell yourself that if, in two years, he has recovered and is once again the man you know he can be, you can always date him later. Right? But in the meantime, you cannot continue to live with him and expose your kids to the illness on the basis of some words and admissions of needing help.
I know how painful this is. Believe me, I really do.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
He hasn't found bottom yet - but obviously he is very aware of what he is doing. He sounds desperate to hang onto his reality...that's the addiction talking and controlling him.
I think there is more to be revealed here...
Sometimes it takes a while for those seeds to germinate and take root.
I think there is more to be revealed here...
Sometimes it takes a while for those seeds to germinate and take root.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Hope is as futile as fear. Both keep us stuck. One of my friends (and I am sure that I've heard it here too) tells me this and it's really true... Hard to accept and remind myself of when I am down, but it's true.... We all have that glimmer of hope- we're humans, not robots. I'm sorry you're down. It's okay to not feel great constantly though. You know that you're hoping for something that isn't likely to happen (or hoped I guess is more accurate) so that's an improvement over hoping for it and then being sad when it doesn't happen.
I'm glad you had an evening with a girlfriend-- that always does me a world of good and I had my own girlfriend night Sat night too and it was great and gave me much needed perspective on my own AH.
At least for the kids sake if not the sake of your marriage, your H is able to see some semblance of reality. Maybe that means that at a time down the road he'll decide to get help.
I'm glad you had an evening with a girlfriend-- that always does me a world of good and I had my own girlfriend night Sat night too and it was great and gave me much needed perspective on my own AH.
At least for the kids sake if not the sake of your marriage, your H is able to see some semblance of reality. Maybe that means that at a time down the road he'll decide to get help.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Hey GB, I think you are doing great and are grounding yourself in what you know to be reality, rather than what you want reality to be (you have high level immunity to BS and Gas lighting now-- well done). Even when I put on my critical hat I can't see that I would change one thing you describe in this post.
I want to throw something out there for you to consider, and all due respect to those who disagree with me (and that may be you). I don't believe all things happen for a reason, or as part of some "master plan" on the part of a higher power.
What I believe is that things happen. Things Happen. Once they do, I have to accept that they did, then I have to decide how to respond to them in what I consider to be an appropriate fashion. I have three choices always and I'm sure you can see them coming:
While we may or may not agree that all things happen for a reason, I bet we can agree that, at the very least, things happen.
Take care,
Cyranoak
I want to throw something out there for you to consider, and all due respect to those who disagree with me (and that may be you). I don't believe all things happen for a reason, or as part of some "master plan" on the part of a higher power.
What I believe is that things happen. Things Happen. Once they do, I have to accept that they did, then I have to decide how to respond to them in what I consider to be an appropriate fashion. I have three choices always and I'm sure you can see them coming:
- Change the things I can (if I want to)
- Accept the things I cannot change (even if I don't want to)
- And try and figure out which of the above two apply (always the hard part for me)
While we may or may not agree that all things happen for a reason, I bet we can agree that, at the very least, things happen.
Take care,
Cyranoak
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 185
Hope.....this is what is keeping me from getting my life back. For some reason, I keep hoping that "R"AH will see the light, and we will live happily ever after. I have absolutely no reason to believe this will happen. He is not reasonable or rational. Why do I believe he will act or respond to a situation the way a rational person would? Can't get past this valley of false hope that I am stuck in. At least not today.....maybe tomorrow.
Don't waste too much time hoping for something that will probably never happen.
Don't waste too much time hoping for something that will probably never happen.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Hope is not a strategy.
A goal is not a plan.
That is one of the things I picked up from SR and have it where I can see it every day.
I can have all the hope in the world but it doesn't get me anywhere. I need strategies to get me places - hope is a different thing.
I can have a goal but I'll never reach it without a plan.
It helped me keep moving because I was also very stuck in hoping for action in someone else, and knowing what I wanted (goal) - but not doing anything to get closer to it.
Those two things helped me focus on myself and my actions. It works in more then just relationships. It is one of my favorite things to look at every day now.
I have more hope then ever for my xah, and it is genuine hope with good feelings - not the pain filled (and for me always very angry) hope. It is that way because hope for him is no longer tangled with hope for myself.
Thinking of you all today.
A goal is not a plan.
That is one of the things I picked up from SR and have it where I can see it every day.
I can have all the hope in the world but it doesn't get me anywhere. I need strategies to get me places - hope is a different thing.
I can have a goal but I'll never reach it without a plan.
It helped me keep moving because I was also very stuck in hoping for action in someone else, and knowing what I wanted (goal) - but not doing anything to get closer to it.
Those two things helped me focus on myself and my actions. It works in more then just relationships. It is one of my favorite things to look at every day now.
I have more hope then ever for my xah, and it is genuine hope with good feelings - not the pain filled (and for me always very angry) hope. It is that way because hope for him is no longer tangled with hope for myself.
Thinking of you all today.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Something I've learned about myself over the years--I'm very good a deluding myself. I call it hope, but if I'm really honest with myself, it's fear and doubt. And it's especially easy to go there when things are bleak or difficult. When I find myself hoping someone else will do something to make my life better, or hoping for some outside event or circumstance to happen, it's because of my fear.
What if I make a mistake?
What if I can't do what I need to do?
What if things get worse instead of better?
So, I go down the rabbit hole of wishful thinking and call it hope. It's because I'm scared. It's because I'm uncertain. It's because things are difficult.
You are doing some of the most difficult things a person can do right now. You are making some very difficult decisions. It's human nature to want the easy way out. Wouldn't it be grand if you didn't have to do all this difficult stuff? Wouldn't it be grand if you had a fairy godmother who could turn your AH into a handsome prince?
That was a nice diversion, but now back to reality. Back to the difficult stuff. Hope can co-exist with reality. Hope is not delusional. It's okay to have hope, but don't let it turn into magical thinking.
L
What if I make a mistake?
What if I can't do what I need to do?
What if things get worse instead of better?
So, I go down the rabbit hole of wishful thinking and call it hope. It's because I'm scared. It's because I'm uncertain. It's because things are difficult.
You are doing some of the most difficult things a person can do right now. You are making some very difficult decisions. It's human nature to want the easy way out. Wouldn't it be grand if you didn't have to do all this difficult stuff? Wouldn't it be grand if you had a fairy godmother who could turn your AH into a handsome prince?
That was a nice diversion, but now back to reality. Back to the difficult stuff. Hope can co-exist with reality. Hope is not delusional. It's okay to have hope, but don't let it turn into magical thinking.
L
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
I really appreciate you all reading through my mind vomit and providing your thoughts.
Cyranoak - what I meant by "all things happen for a reason"... was really the whole pile of "coincidents" this weekend became. AH stayed home - which gave me opportunities to see why I'm divorcing him & gave him the chance to talk to neighbor. I called my girlfriend and had the chance to sit with her, have her home when AH came home drunk, went to church and had the opportunity to get sage wisdom from someone wiser than me! So, while all of those things did just "happen", I firmly believe that they "happen" because I've taken my hands off the wheel, and let go of my need to control. Pre-al-anon, I would have been riddled with "OMG, he's going to be home now! Now what do I do!?!" Instead of that, I said, "Ok. Well, life goes on. Live in the moment, and go with the flow and see where my HP wants me to go." So, I guess what I'm saying, is I agree, and disagree, with you. I think things do just happen, but I believe firmly in my HP guiding those things.
I think ^^^^^that's it... that glimmer of hope was a nice diversion from reality. The hope that maybe I wouldn't have to keep doing all the hard work of divorce, selling the house, etc. BUT, even IF, he did come to me as say, "I have a problem, I need help." That isn't an easy road either!!! That's a life long road filled with hard work, ups/downs, etc.
There is no easy button when dealing with alcoholism.
Cyranoak - what I meant by "all things happen for a reason"... was really the whole pile of "coincidents" this weekend became. AH stayed home - which gave me opportunities to see why I'm divorcing him & gave him the chance to talk to neighbor. I called my girlfriend and had the chance to sit with her, have her home when AH came home drunk, went to church and had the opportunity to get sage wisdom from someone wiser than me! So, while all of those things did just "happen", I firmly believe that they "happen" because I've taken my hands off the wheel, and let go of my need to control. Pre-al-anon, I would have been riddled with "OMG, he's going to be home now! Now what do I do!?!" Instead of that, I said, "Ok. Well, life goes on. Live in the moment, and go with the flow and see where my HP wants me to go." So, I guess what I'm saying, is I agree, and disagree, with you. I think things do just happen, but I believe firmly in my HP guiding those things.
You are doing some of the most difficult things a person can do right now. You are making some very difficult decisions. It's human nature to want the easy way out. Wouldn't it be grand if you didn't have to do all this difficult stuff? Wouldn't it be grand if you had a fairy godmother who could turn your AH into a handsome prince?
That was a nice diversion, but now back to reality. Back to the difficult stuff. Hope can co-exist with reality. Hope is not delusional. It's okay to have hope, but don't let it turn into magical thinking.
That was a nice diversion, but now back to reality. Back to the difficult stuff. Hope can co-exist with reality. Hope is not delusional. It's okay to have hope, but don't let it turn into magical thinking.
There is no easy button when dealing with alcoholism.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
I'm sure your neighbors are wonderful people and I'm sure they have only the best intentions. But unless they have had prior exhaustive experience with addictions they will naturally deduce that if he admits he has a problem, then the next logical step is to get help.. right?
I got to the point where it was better for me to keep a lot of what I was going through to myself, my therapist and members here at SR.
I got to the point where it was better for me to keep a lot of what I was going through to myself, my therapist and members here at SR.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
In some talks with my AW before I moved out I told her that I loved her and always will. It wasn't love that died it was hope. She told me that if I didn't have any hope that maybe I need therapy. (quack) I told her that I had lots of hope for my future, that was the reason for moving out, I just didn't have any hope of her getting better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by Jazzman 
I'm sure your neighbors are wonderful people and I'm sure they have only the best intentions. But unless they have had prior exhaustive experience with addictions they will naturally deduce that if he admits he has a problem, then the next logical step is to get help.. right?
I feel like I "fell off the wagon", so to speak... I allowed myself to forget Step 1... and that it doesn't just apply to me, but others too.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
This part really sticks out: "even IF, he did come to me as say, "I have a problem, I need help." "
When I worked myself around to "I won't live with an active alcoholic, even if he is getting help" - that's when I started to act on my plans. I doubt that my ABF, who still doesn't see that he has a serious drinking problem, will ever stop drinking. He's a wonderful man, and he's taking some small steps toward being healthier. It's not enough for me to move back in!
I guess what I'm saying is that you can only go by the events that are actually presented. If your AH started AA and stopped drinking, you still wouldn't have an involved husband and father. Would you be okay with that? Or would you be better off living elsewhere? And that's a huge 'if' - that hasn't happened. So this is where detachment comes in. You can detach from the hope, and still have a little kernel of magic, while you go on filing for divorce and selling the house and moving.
Detachment doesn't mean you don't care. It means that you are going ahead with living according to your values in the face of absurdity and hope.
- Sylvie
When I worked myself around to "I won't live with an active alcoholic, even if he is getting help" - that's when I started to act on my plans. I doubt that my ABF, who still doesn't see that he has a serious drinking problem, will ever stop drinking. He's a wonderful man, and he's taking some small steps toward being healthier. It's not enough for me to move back in!
I guess what I'm saying is that you can only go by the events that are actually presented. If your AH started AA and stopped drinking, you still wouldn't have an involved husband and father. Would you be okay with that? Or would you be better off living elsewhere? And that's a huge 'if' - that hasn't happened. So this is where detachment comes in. You can detach from the hope, and still have a little kernel of magic, while you go on filing for divorce and selling the house and moving.
Detachment doesn't mean you don't care. It means that you are going ahead with living according to your values in the face of absurdity and hope.
- Sylvie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Exactly Sylvie, thank you!
It's such a big fat huge IF... that he admits he has a problem, admits he needs help... then actually goes and gets it?!?!? AND sticks to it?!?!?
I got a better chance of winning the lottery at this point.
I love him. I really do. And if he were to go and get help, I'd support his recovery... from a really safe distance (ie. my own home).
I can see how people could get sucked back into the dance when their alcoholic spouse offers to get help. Mine hasn't even said it, and I found myself thinking, "Maybe I should stay and give him a chance. I don't want to leave before the miracle!"
As I've said in other posts, I think it was easy for me to keep moving forward because it was so clear, "Screw you, I'm not going to stop drinking."
It's such a big fat huge IF... that he admits he has a problem, admits he needs help... then actually goes and gets it?!?!? AND sticks to it?!?!?
I got a better chance of winning the lottery at this point.
I love him. I really do. And if he were to go and get help, I'd support his recovery... from a really safe distance (ie. my own home).
I can see how people could get sucked back into the dance when their alcoholic spouse offers to get help. Mine hasn't even said it, and I found myself thinking, "Maybe I should stay and give him a chance. I don't want to leave before the miracle!"
As I've said in other posts, I think it was easy for me to keep moving forward because it was so clear, "Screw you, I'm not going to stop drinking."
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