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Divorce Papers Signed - How come I cant be like some of you?

Old 05-21-2011, 12:05 AM
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Unhappy Divorce Papers Signed - How come I cant be like some of you?

If you read my last post: Where's the man I married?

You will be able to understand, where Im at today....

Got a pretty big lump in my thoart today, when the lawyer
called me and told me he faxed the signed papers over to her.
She would give them to the court and it will all be final by middle
of next week...

I got really big lump in my thoart as I was on the phone to the lawyer
Pulled over along side the road to puke
Finally letting go
Hoping this is what brings him to his knees & he finds recovery

I sat here today and wondered, how come I cant be like some of you.

Some of you stayed married to your AH or AW
Some of you sound very content
Some of you sound so strong
Some of you can live apart for years & stay married

Why not me?

I didnt want to divorce him ... I really didnt
But I dont know this person anymore, so I had to let go....
Damn, I really let go........
It is here, right smack in my face..Papers are signed!

But a really weird feeling came across to me
I will probably end up burying him, before he ever sees a sober day
Alcoholism, what a freaking horrible diesase!!!!
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Old 05-21-2011, 12:13 AM
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If I ever get to where you are at I'm sure I will feel the same way. Hugs to you!
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Old 05-21-2011, 12:22 AM
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Hugs and prayers to you Bobby. I have read many of your threads and posts and I have not been married to an alcoholic (or anyone) so I can't share experience... although, I also ask myself where did the person I shared friendship and many good moments with, go?. I can go mad thinking about it. The only way to win is not to play. I agree alcoholism is horrible. We can´t hang around to see if they ever "come back". The toll is just too high and the chances sadly are too slim.

I admire your strength. You can still love him from a distance.

Where is Bobby? its about you now. I dreaded the idea of being single but you know what, it is wonderful, to do again all of what I have left because I was paying attention to my "partners" and THEIR lives and it was all about them. Now that it is about me I feel much better and realize life is stressful, painful as it is and I need people around me that SUPPORT me and make me feel loved. I deserve it.

You deserve peace and joy and happiness, around people that uplift you, not the ones that bring you down. If you are like me perhaps you feel drained now, but I promise you there will be much better times ahead. Better than you ever thought possible.

Do you have Melody Beatty´s literature? "the Grief club" is about many times of losses, and it was the soothing, wise voice I needed when going through a really bad breakup with an alcoholic.It has a chapter dedicated to grieving the loss of an alcoholic. Maybe it helps you too.
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Old 05-21-2011, 07:20 AM
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I'm sorry, Bobby. I understand. You can't be like those others who can stay married and peacefully coexist because your A and your situation didn't give you that option. It isn't feasible for you. I am sorry. I know how hard it is.
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Old 05-21-2011, 07:36 AM
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You know Bobby I would be willing to bet while you are wishing you could be like some of the ones who stay I bet there are many who will read your post and wish they were as brave as you to leave.

Its all about perception you are free now to live a life not centered in one crisis after another or one drama after another.

I wouldn't give up my single life for all those years I spent with my XAH. I now live with a kitty and the only drama she gives me is meowing at things she can only see.
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Old 05-21-2011, 07:44 AM
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You're comparing your insides to others outsides. It doesn't work, ever.

I stayed, for years and years. I was one of those that seemed to be happy joyous and free... And I was at times... But alcoholism is progressive, and my denial of that fact led me to accepting some very acceptable things.


We all have our own limits, boundaries, whatever...

I don't want to divorce my husband either. I HATE this whole stupid process... But it needs to be done for MY health and sanity. I HATE the thought of the kids having to go through this... But for everything I hate, I can come up with AT LEAST 3-4 things of what I'm going to LOVE about being free of the everyday life with the disease.

Maybe you should spend a little time today focusing on one or two, or more!, of the blessings that will come from your divorce. That will help you move forward.
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Old 05-21-2011, 07:57 AM
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I didn't want to divorce my husband either but had to. My sobriety depended on it, I was afraid of being with him financially, legally (he was growing pot) in Va. !, and it was hard. Now 4 yrs. later it is just a dull ache. We had no kids together and there is no contact. At first I was 95% sad. Now I am 95% ok. My therapist said my integrity got me out. Now I live with my 2 cats and bird and am retired from teaching and working partime. I go to alot of meetings and do service work for AA. It gets better but at first was like a friend described "like surgery with a hacksaw."
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Old 05-21-2011, 07:59 AM
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A divorce on paper is nothing but a financial business transaction. The who gets what. When married to an A you have no financial protection, now you do.

I am sorry that you had to do this, but, it appears that you had no other option.

Be kind to yourself this weekend, take it easy, plan for your future.
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Old 05-21-2011, 09:28 AM
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Big hugs BobbyJ. I am going to tweak lillamy's tagline and say "If you're going through grief, just keep going".

For today, you know you did the right thing. Now his downfall will not be yours. Now you have a chance to get on the life raft and swim for shore.

Doing the right thing can also be the hardest, most painful thing. Trust me, I know.

Let yourself feel and go through the motions. Tell yourself you are going to be ok, and then start walking your talk - like the recovering A's do - and one day you won't just be walking anymore.

And don't predict the future or what other people are experiencing. That's a no where trip that only brings you more pain.

What do you want to do with your life now? That's the question you can ask yourself now.

Thinking of you today...sending prayers and positive thoughts.
~T

Last edited by Tuffgirl; 05-21-2011 at 09:28 AM. Reason: typos
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Old 05-21-2011, 09:44 AM
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Originally Posted by newby1961 View Post
You know Bobby I would be willing to bet while you are wishing you could be like some of the ones who stay I bet there are many who will read your post and wish they were as brave as you to leave.

Its all about perception you are free now to live a life not centered in one crisis after another or one drama after another.
Well said!

It is OK to feel the way you are now. I think everyone feels that way. I was so damn happy to finally be getting a divorce Ihad thought about for years and I was still struck with such sharp grief and sadness when it was finalized.

You won't always feel this way.
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Old 05-21-2011, 12:08 PM
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You're comparing your insides to others outsides. It doesn't work, ever.
And we all handle things differently.
Here's how I work: When something has to be done, and I know it's what has to be done, I do it. I do it hells bells, full throttle, no looking back. That's how I approached my divorce once I knew it had to happen. I didn't allow myself what you're doing -- feeling. I focused on moving the process forward.

Once it was done, I opened the compartment of Feelings and started dealing with them.

I don't really recommend it -- it worked very well for me, and allowed me to make use of the skill of compartmentalizing that I've pretty much perfected over the past 20 years. But the feelings will have to be dealt with sooner or later.

Just remember to not blame yourself for leaving. Or for your feelings. And I've had the same thought -- I'll bury him before he stops drinking.
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Old 05-21-2011, 01:56 PM
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Often on SR the advice has been given to "play the tape all the way through." As many have posted about here, I also grieved the good parts, and the lost fantasies of what I wanted to be that never was...but I could not allow myself to forget what got me to the breakup point. I could not overlook that this ending was a chance for a new beginning for myself and my daughter.
Take your time, take care of yourself, don't compare your self or your journey with anyone else's. Each person's path is their own.
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Old 05-21-2011, 03:10 PM
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I hope this doesn't come off as trite, but I truly believe this with all my heart.

When HP closes a door, HP opens a window somewhere else.

Please focus on that. This may be the end of your marriage, and it is sad because of the baffling circumstances that make no sense whatsoever to your heart, but it is also the beginning of the rest of your life. And it can be as wonderful or as bad as YOU choose to make it. Personally, I'm betting that your go for wonderful!
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Old 05-21-2011, 07:12 PM
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How ironic.

I was reading your post and thinking, 'she's so strong, why can't I be like her?'
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Old 05-21-2011, 07:23 PM
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Just here to give you a hug, Bobby. You WILL be better very soon. It's all about you now.
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Old 05-21-2011, 11:27 PM
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Today was a funny day.

Woke up and was wondering what the hell am I going to do about money?
How am I going to pay the house payment?
When am I going to stop crying?

A guy called on a welder that I had for sale. He was traveling 2 hours
to get here. I told him I would find someone to help me un-bolt it from
the AH truck. Called a friend of mine, he came over and unhooked it for me.

But until he got here, I tried to like hell, to loosen the bolts. Cut my fingers
up, and sat there and cried. I yelled "Damn It...AH...Where did you go"
Then cried some more. Pretty much a poor me day...

It was funny, the guy who purchased the welder, also wanted to buy this
big tool box. I took the money and he took the goods.

As him and I were talking, we discovered we met each other about 10 years
ago in a business deal. Now he is the owner of 4 businesses.
AND NOW...He wanted my business cards, and said he will be calling me
to purchase from me!!

Then the friend who helped me unbolt that damn welder, called and told
me he will pay me cash for a air compressor that is in the garage.

So after all of my tears, and a couple of really good poor me naps.
I made some money and have future business deals...

Now..I have enough money for a 2 months of house payments...
That is alot of weight off of my shoulders...

Decided tonight, it's time for the bedroom, to become Mine!!!
Instead of ours....Gonna paint, change the bedding.....

Gotta keep smackin myself in the face...One day at a time!!!!


(( THATS WHAT HAPPEN TODAY )) ~ LaPinturaBella
~ LaPinturaBella ~ When HP closes a door, HP opens a window somewhere else

Takingcharge999 - I will get that book! Thanks!

lillamy - Full Throttle Baby...Im trying


And to the rest of you: THANK YOU for listening & giving your wonderful support!!!
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Old 05-22-2011, 06:33 AM
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You go girl! I find that too, I have some really awesome days and BOOM along comes the days! I am finding that the are now getting further and further apart. I cried after talking to the lawyer and it was over the phone. I am finding to take those days as they come and feel it and move through it and know a better day will follow.

I am still trying to sell house and live with him. THe living arrangement is so so considering we are splitting up. Oh, you will get a kick out of this one! I am talking to AH this morning, just chatting in general and the split comes up and he says....

"I don't think WE (Excuse me.. Who is the WE. Does he have a little white mouse in his pocket?? There is no WE to decide. I am splitting regardless) should do this. I am not drinking and can stop and have. Quack Quack YA you can stop but YOU ALWAYS start up again. Don't you think we should stay together?

:rotfxko
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Old 05-22-2011, 06:34 AM
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Oh and forgot to say above. Looks like HP brought you that wonderful man to drive 2 hours and buy your stuff!!
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Old 05-22-2011, 07:17 AM
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Aw, BobbyJ... Your HP has been with you all along. It all comes down to letting go, having faith, and trusting that all things will work out!!

My problem for years has been my desire to have a map... I wanted to plan and know EXACTLY what my life is going to be. I had my career ( college, then grad school, then engineeering license), my personal life (marriage, house, dog, kids), and with each item checked off the list/accomplished... I was working my way to the end goal... Happiness.

Problem was... I was living MY will and plan, or wanted to at least... But that's the funny thing with life... It doesn't ever go exactly how we want it... It goes the way life goes... And we have to accept what we get, and roll with it.

Ive learned to let go of my death grip on the wheel, and let my HP guide me. And the end result has been some really awesome blessings!! Career options I NEVER imagined I could have, contracts I never thought I would qualify for, friends who were more amazing than my wildest dreams!! And the best surprise, is that I've learned that happiness isn't a destination... It's right here and now!!!


Have faith. You WILL be okay. Something amazing is waiting around the corner for you... Something you never even dreamed of... BETTER than you ever dreamed of, I promise.

P.s. Have fun creating your new room!!!! Paint and new bedding can work wonders on a space!!!
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Old 05-22-2011, 09:37 AM
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Glad to hear things are looking up for a change. Was thinking of you this morning...

Funny how just when we feel we are about to "go under", someone throws us a lifeline.

You are going to be ok. Such a good feeling, eh?!
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