guilt coz I cant be happy for him

Old 05-10-2011, 10:20 PM
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guilt coz I cant be happy for him

I'm sure this means I haven't detached, but just to make sure I'm "normal" in dealing with this split from an abusive alcoholic...

I find myself NOT wanting him to better his life. Hearing that he's still drinking and/or unhappy and lonely actually makes me feel good--like, "this is how people say he is... and im glad that's how it's playing out". The comfort that "people don't change" is a great coping mechanism, but it means I like that he's still an alcoholic throwing away his life's potential. I feel horrible about this, coz I'm afraid it means "i didn't love him"... when that's the complete opposite of what I did feel for him. It's just that the thought of him, maybe even 10 years from now (if that's how long it takes), being in a stable relationship... and building the life WE had envisioned (i.e. one big happy family all in love with life and each other) pisses me off soooooo much. actually, i dont know if it's "pissed off" that i feel or more like it would be a blatant slap in my face that HE rejected ME.

I know it's a long shot that he'd ever even be normal or stable, especially since his alcoholism is rooted in very deep psychological issues; but he IS seeing an psychoanalyst (although still an active alcoholic)--so, maybe in 5-10 years he would actually have healthier behavior traits to make him have a manageable life. and YES, i know i know... who knows where I will be in 5-10 years--i'm sure, doing something successful and more or less happy; but still... right now... i honestly don't know how i'd ever come to that place where I could say that "i'd be happy for him" if i found out somehow he changed his life around and is living some happy life with the family we were supposed to build together.

It makes me feel guilty--it's not like I make horrible wishes; but i definitely don't make well-wishes... and hearing that he's the same as always gives me a feeling of comfort, in a weird way.
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Old 05-10-2011, 10:26 PM
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This is normal. You are grieving the loss of what you thought you had. As YOU get healthier and stronger you will let go and move on. And you'll also start to wish him well. You do and did love him. You're just very, very hurt right now and it's sometimes "easier" to psychologically turn the anger on them and wish them ill, than to turn it onto yourself. Plus, he earned your anger. But it will pass, you will find things to be grateful for from this relationship and you'll get through it all. <<hugs>>
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Old 05-10-2011, 11:34 PM
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I agree with LaPinturaBella.

Life can only be lived in the now.

Remember alcoholism is CHRONIC, he will always be an alcoholic. He will always be vulnerable to relapse. Would YOU trust him again? even stronger alcoholics with lots of years under their belt relapse. Imagine not being able to relax during weekends, national holidays, birthday parties, your children's wedding... always anxious if today is the day he drinks? what if he has to travel? or what about when sad life events happen, like illnesses or deaths... what if he can't cope and drinks again? how could YOU relax never knowing if he will stay healthy or throw everything down the drain?

I know I wouldn't be able to relax anymore. I would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. And walking on eggshells. That is not life IMHO.

No one knows what will happen. Yes he might be happier and healthier later. Maybe after 30 years. Maybe next year. Or maybe NEVER. You don't know. No one knows. Its a fantasy that you have that is hurting you. Perhaps he never gets well again and dies in denial as many alcoholics die?

We can't control anyone.....

Try to stay in the now. I do that by using yoga breathing techniques, reading Zen books, playing with my cats, exercise, etc.

After the mourning process is over you won't care anymore what he does or what happens. He won't even be in your thoughts anymore for you to wish him well or wish him ill. You will have let go.

PS I have hoped the worst for an XABF and no longer feel guilty... its part of the "forgiving process" as Melody Beatty calls it.
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Old 05-11-2011, 10:27 AM
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hearing that he's the same as always gives me a feeling of comfort, in a weird way.
Makes sense to me. It verifies that you made the right decision when you left.

Next step would be trying not to bother so much about him and what he's doing, but focus on what you want to do with your new freedom!
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Old 05-11-2011, 10:50 AM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
Makes sense to me. It verifies that you made the right decision when you left.

Next step would be trying not to bother so much about him and what he's doing, but focus on what you want to do with your new freedom!
I second is amazingly freeing to stop focusing on them and start focusing on ourselves.
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