This is normal. You are grieving the loss of what you thought you had. As YOU get healthier and stronger you will let go and move on. And you'll also start to wish him well. You do and did love him. You're just very, very hurt right now and it's sometimes "easier" to psychologically turn the anger on them and wish them ill, than to turn it onto yourself. Plus, he earned your anger. But it will pass, you will find things to be grateful for from this relationship and you'll get through it all. <<hugs>>