guilt coz I cant be happy for him
I'm sure this means I haven't detached, but just to make sure I'm "normal" in dealing with this split from an abusive alcoholic...
I find myself NOT wanting him to better his life. Hearing that he's still drinking and/or unhappy and lonely actually makes me feel good--like, "this is how people say he is... and im glad that's how it's playing out". The comfort that "people don't change" is a great coping mechanism, but it means I like that he's still an alcoholic throwing away his life's potential. I feel horrible about this, coz I'm afraid it means "i didn't love him"... when that's the complete opposite of what I did feel for him. It's just that the thought of him, maybe even 10 years from now (if that's how long it takes), being in a stable relationship... and building the life WE had envisioned (i.e. one big happy family all in love with life and each other) pisses me off soooooo much. actually, i dont know if it's "pissed off" that i feel or more like it would be a blatant slap in my face that HE rejected ME.
I know it's a long shot that he'd ever even be normal or stable, especially since his alcoholism is rooted in very deep psychological issues; but he IS seeing an psychoanalyst (although still an active alcoholic)--so, maybe in 5-10 years he would actually have healthier behavior traits to make him have a manageable life. and YES, i know i know... who knows where I will be in 5-10 years--i'm sure, doing something successful and more or less happy; but still... right now... i honestly don't know how i'd ever come to that place where I could say that "i'd be happy for him" if i found out somehow he changed his life around and is living some happy life with the family we were supposed to build together.
It makes me feel guilty--it's not like I make horrible wishes; but i definitely don't make well-wishes... and hearing that he's the same as always gives me a feeling of comfort, in a weird way.