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Old 05-07-2011, 05:22 AM
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Join Date: Nov 2010
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Just Stepping Inside

I have been an outside reader for awhile.
Backgroud.. My AH drank alot with his work then we moved from the Midwest to South Florida for his job and a promised new start. I have NO family here. A year of bliss when we first arrived then a steadily decline to raging alcoholic. After many fights and hours of tears down the shower drain, i came home from work and he had packed his things and left. Now i was in a four bedroom house with two kids that i couldnt afford and no family. I found a two bedroom condo. Me and my daughter shared a room and we made the best of it. Visited the AH on and off but that turned out to be the same rollercoaster ride just a different setting. He said he didnt drink as much with me gone..but it was made clear when i would visit he would be drunk that he still was. He one night text me that he needed rehab so i picked him up.. and he went into rehab. 90 days later he is out.. then he appears at my house.. eyes huge and "out of it" saying get out, your place is on fire (it wasnt) and making me read random Bible verses. i told him to lay down and sleep or i was calling someone to pick him up!(he had drank six energy drinks back to back) he woke up saying he needed to go home and he left only to call me later on the side of the rode in a ambulance. after a few days in the bakers act ward, he returned to rehab for a few more weeks. he then got out not wanting to stay at his place alone.. he slept on the couch in my two bedroom condo and i sleep on the other couch to not appear rude to him. he was what seemed to me "not humbled" by his experiences and complained frequently about our living situation which at best he put us there...he lost his job and instead of looking for more work he took the time to focus on his recovery while i tried to hold everything together again. just like when he was an AH except now he is a RAH. He scolded me for asking if anyone had even called him back for a job saying i was controlling... it was just a question. we then found a small three bedroom condo and i told him if he didnt want to continue in this relationship to part ways before we get into this lease i cant afford alone from a place i could afford on my own. Sure enought less then a month later he took his cloths and left while i was at work and this time returned back to the midwest. of course i cried and begged him to return even tho his recovery hadnt been easy to be around..alot of ups and downs and some interesting behavior.. he said NO he wasnt coming back.. i pulled up my big girl panties and my work thank God gave me a raise to help with rent. Well.. i saw pics of him drinking when he returned to the midwest!! but his kids and family seemed like that was OK and i was the bad one.. hmm.. baffling.. He then got tired of where he was and returned to FL.. i told him i couldnt live with him right away since he had be drinking so he lived in a sober living place for a month then it was thanksgiving/christmas time and he still wasnt working and would be homeless soon.. again i took him back which my family was against. I felt like i had waited fourteen years for him to be sober and would miss it if i wasnt there... things were going ok, separate accounts so his spending doesnt trigger my instability, i dont look at his phone and we arent facebook friends and i havent told my work of his return.. recently i noticed alittle "pity party" attitude from him and then he had come home from fishing with the smell of alcohol... i questioned him which of course he denies it then i let it go.. but again recently he went to dinner by himself because i had to work and he met me at the movies after and i smelled it again on him... that was a huge trigger for me.. i became this ball of doubt and worry.. i regained control and then weeks later... he got mad at my daughter for the smallest reason and stop talking to her and swore he wouldnt talk to her again.. she is a teen.. i left for the weekend with her so we didnt have to endure any more of that... i returned and he was fine But that has stayed with me... I feel like my kids and I cant endure anymore... our slightest infractions are dealt with a heavy hand.. but others and he himself are offered forgiveness quickly.. he mostly just goes to work and watches tv. Last night i went shopping for bread at the hardward store by thinking he would help clean because my daughter was having someone sleep over.. NOPE. he watched tv.. then i thought.. This is the climax that i have endured all this for????...
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Old 05-07-2011, 07:25 PM
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same planet...different world
 
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
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Hello and welcome to SR.

It's hard to be in a strange state
with no real life support.

have you sought support in real life?
I know there's meetings there.

The miraculous thing about AA and Alanon
no matter where in the world you are -
you have someplace where people understand.

I hope you'll find support here
and make some new friends.

Again - welcome!

(ps - I've posted this three times and my computer keeps timing out)
kinda like recovery -
we have to decide that it's going to happen
and then keep doing it LOL
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Old 05-08-2011, 06:19 AM
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peaceful seabird
 
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
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Welcome to the SR family!

Thanks for taking the time to introduce yourself.

Have you tried Alanon in your new community? I moved away from the home my children and I had known and found comfort/support with the local Alanon group. It helped to have phone numbers and familiar faces in a place where everyone was a stranger.

I have also been working on myself by reading self-improvement books. One of my favorites is Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More". I also read the daily reading's of "Language of Letting Go" and Alanon readers to keep my focus on my personal recovery.

I applaud you for seperating your finances from your alcoholic. That gave me some peace of mind by knowing my earnings were not being used for his addiction.
I also had to look at ways that I was enabling his addiction other than financially. Things like reminding of important dates, appts; paying utilities, bills in a timely manner; grocery shopping; cooking; cleaning; laundry; free counseling; medical advice; shopping for toiletries; scheduling car repairs, etc........All of these things my A was capable of doing for himself, yet I was taking control of making sure they were handled. This enabled my A to live life on his terms and I made myself sick and tired from resentment.

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

This is one of my favorite posts with steps to help while dealing with addiction:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Old 05-08-2011, 06:35 AM
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Trudging that road.
 
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I so relate to your story except now I am away from my ex thank God but it took 7 times of us leaving each other to stay away for good.

Part of an alcoholic relationship is the very many lies. It got to the point where if he said it was raining out I had better go to the window and check.

The insanity for me was my life always seemed to mellow out when we were apart, sure I missed him but there was a peace when he wasn't around then I would take him back and bam it would start the cycle all over again.

I needed to get help for myself so I could stand up and be strong enough to stay gone.

IMHO unless he stops drinking there isn't much hope for a stable sane relationship. So I guess the ball is sort of in your court just what are you willing to live with?

I thank God everday we didn't have kids cause that would just have added to the insanity.

You and you kids deserve to have a life full of love, laughter, and hope for a new day.
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