sweetteewalls

My RAH and I are freshly separated again and I am at a loss when it comes to co-parenting with him. I don't want to ignore him because it isn't best for our daughter. I want her to see him, talk to him more but I get anxiety because it is always a fight. Like I offered the other day he could pick our daughter up from my girlfriend the other day and he said I am making it awkward for our daughter. I told him because he just up and left me on Friday I want him to be with her but I cannot see him right now because one of 2 things: 1) I don't want to fight and 2) I don't want to miss him more and maybe reach out in a moment of weakness and then get sucked back into reconciling, etc... Therapist says there is no right answer and we have to do what is comfortable and yet will one day allow us to be in the same place in our daughter's special occassions together. I don't know what to do. Do I need to just suck it up and exchange our daughter? I am so scared to do so because i just don't want to hurt from him anymore than I already am...He walked out on us and then says "my daughter" now...but he wasn't thinking of her when she was screaming and hugging on him the night he left us asking him to stay with us. I know maybe it's fresh...I go back and forth on what I want to do....help.

coffeedrinker

First off, I missed welcoming you to S/R.

WELCOME

This sounds like a "Boundary Setting" excercise.

The concept of boundaries, setting them, and sticking to what I said I wanted, was a difficult and somewhat lengthy process for me. We just have to practice.

I'd say, if the talking to him more isn't going well, throw that desire out the window. It doesn't have to be forever, but just for the time being.

The future is just that - it's not here right now, so just live in the sitch as it is today. The future will unfold and you can alter as it does.

You are also resentful -- with good reasons. Yes, it's fresh. And yes, he wasn't thinking of her when he threw his selfish fit. He is an addict. The daughter isn't quite as important as his primary love.

Alone22

I honestly don't know what the right answer is but my gut would tell me to keep your daughter away from him as much as possible. He sounds mean and childish (based on your other post) and at 3 she must be terrified at what is happening. Heck at 13 she would be terrified at his behavior. I think I would take a big step back and wait to see what he does. In my opinion you have every right not to want to see him and it is super kind of you to make plans so he can see your daughter without you being around.

I know you are hurting right now (who wouldn't be). What he is putting you through is horrible. He sounds like a teenager who needs a slap up the side of the head. Mature adults simply do not act like that. Detach and distance yourself as much as you can.

Good luck and a big hug to you.

sweetteewalls

Thank you...it's hard because he and my 3 year old are super close and even when we are together they are corny close...but I like that. So right now, she wants to call him, and I just tell her Daddy lives in his apartment now and usually I'll let her call at least once a day and dial the phone and give it straight to her so I don't have to hear anything from him. So she goes to pre-school part time so on his day off he picks her up from pre-school kept her over night and then the next day brought her back home to my home but my girlfriend received her for me so there would be no interaction.

I love how he says I am selfish by not wanting to see him and making it awkward but he doesn't see himself as selfish by doing what he did. I don't understand why he wants me to be there when we exchange because it's almost like he wants me there just to be rude to me and I don't want my daughter to see me cry as he walks away, just being honest because I know I will...

GettingBy

Hiya Sweetteewalls!

Well, you don't have to make a decision RIGHT NOW, heck you don't have to make a decision today or tomorrow.... you can just sit with it, and let things calm for a day or two.

When I find myself spinning and getting worked up because I feel like I HAVE to do something... the best solution is usually to let that problem go for a minute (or hour, whatever) and focus on something else... like taking care of me. When I stop obsessing over an issue, the intensity of it seems to fade. My adrenaline settles, my heart slows, and my thinking clears... allowing me to see other choices and options that may not have been apparent before.

So, just for right now - take a deep breath, and then another. And go do something special just for you - a coffee break? A snack? Jam to some music? Go do something OTHER THAN think about all that yucky stuff.


I am a much better mother to my children (5 and 3! so I know how tough that age is!) when I am calm and focused on the here and now. When I find myself projecting into the future, my thinking gets clouded, I get stressed... and they, of course, sense it and react to it.

Right here... right now. That's all you HAVE to do.

sweetteewalls

I feel frustrated because he just e-mailed me saying "what goes around comes around"...I will say I fear it because he does give me child support willingly, it is ordered from when we were separated, etc..and because I am struggling financially and need his help, sometimes I give in to what he wants just to appease him as pathetic as that sounds.

GettingBy

Step away from him... and by that I mean... stop reading the emails, stop calling him, debating with him... trying to figure him out, and what his next move might, or might not be...

It's NEVER going to lead you to a place of peace. Never.

As Anvil said, you have a separation agreement, he's obligated to pay... you don't owe him ANYTHING for that money. Do not feel like you have to play his reindeer games.

sweetteewalls

Thank you guys. You both are right and I just need to get stronger. It got worse before it got better. He basically called my daughter back and he spoke to her and told her after that he needed to speak to me. He told me that he hates me so much and doesn't want to deal with me that he will go to court and get his daughter He then proceeded to throw every insecurity I have in my face. He said that he only wants to hear from me if our daughter is half dead but not to contact him otherwise. I said fine, so be it. I literally just blocked him from my e-mail and called my phone company and blocked him from my texting me and he obviously needs my number because we share a daughter but the main fights start via text so I eliminated that. He is so angry right now and seeing red and really, I just have to feel grateful that I can determine the tempo of the rest of my day and it will be a good day. =)

LaPinturaBella

You can also set your cell phone to make sure his calls go straight to voice mail. That way you can listen when YOU choose to and not get caught off guard by answering his calls. And don't buy into his threats. He's quacking. The chances of the court awarding him sole custody (thereby taking your DD from you) are slim. HE'S the alcoholic...not you.

GettingBy

Sweetteewalls... go through my old posts... I went through a very similiar interaction with my AH just a few weeks ago. All the same crap... I hate you, look what you're doing to us, you're destroying this family... and then, he took MY inventory. Rattled off a long list of my character flaws and shredded me.

It hurt... especially because there was some truth.

And what I learned was that my AH is not a safe person for me right now. He's got stuff he's dealing with, and right now, where he's at emotionally... I AM THE ENEMY. I'm the bad guy. He hurts, and he wants me to hurt too.

Yucky, yucky, yucky. And every time I engage with him, I get sucked into and I get hurt. So I limit my contact to protect me!!

Good for you for changing the phone and blocking him. You ARE WORTHY of love and respect!!

sweetteewalls

I believe I am struggling so much because he was my best friend and I gave him everything of myself. Now, I try so hard to see the best in him some way even as co-parents and I have to face the reality that if we were going to see eye to eye and I was able to reason with him, he wouldn't have walked out on us a week ago today. I hate this feeling and I know I will ultimately be ok but I hate this part...the part where it pains me to be without him because he really was a fantastic partner and father these past 2 months while we were doing all our counseling/classes. I miss him like crazy but I guess I need to take the goggles off and realize that if he was the man I was in love with, that man wouldn't have walked out on me nor would he have continued to treat me this way. I deserve a partner in life who will not run when things get hard. I know that.

GettingBy

You both are raw and hurting right now... everything seems so scary, painful, and hopeless.

Take a deep breath... and then listen closely...

you don't know what the future holds for you two.

None of is do! Just stay in the moment, focus on you and keeping your side of the street clean.

What will be will be... don't waste the PRESENT trying to figure it all out, okay?

tjp613

I'm confused.

He walked out on YOU.

Why is he so angry at you? Because you want your girlfriend to act as a 3rd party when you exchange your daughter?

If I'm understanding this correctly then he sounds like he is off his rocker!!! He is projecting so much of his crap and self-loathing onto you it's unreal! And this is what alcoholics/addicts DO especially when their favorite punching bag isn't immediately accessible!

I hope you can get some distance between the two of you real soon 'cause he is tearing you down so much you can't even see your own self-worth anymore. I'm so proud of you for blocking the texts. That's just awesome. Stay in counseling, ok? Keep posting here. You're being so strong and you're doing the right thing. (((((Hugs))))

sweetteewalls

Yes, that's correct...he chose to leave me and he is so mad and angry at me. That's what I didn't understand is he chose this but acts as if I gave him no choice but I have learned on this site that he is projecting just like you said! He said I'm causing drama because I won't exchange our daughter with him directly. I have her come over because I don't want to engage at all, I'm not strong enough yet. I love this website because when I feel weak and alone, I come to this site and get rejuvenated by the advice and stories. =) its going to be a long road ahead and I'm prepared for it, just keep doing what I can!

tjp613

It really doesn't matter what he thinks about how you've chosen to exchange your daughter -- it's YOUR choice and YOU get to choose! I think he's just mad because he doesn't get to see the sad look in your eyes, loses the opportunity to vilify and abuse you, and feed his own sick ego. I think he is eaten alive with guilt and is trying to find an inroad for justifying his actions. When you don't engage, he's got nowhere to look but in the mirror...and that is making him very uncomfortable. PLUS....he's lost his "dance" partner. Oh yeah, he's really got a mess on his hands now.

Did I read somewhere that he left with your daughter? So he's got her 'full time' and you don't?