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I think its just over...

Old 05-02-2011, 12:09 PM
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I think its just over...

we were fighting last night. he freaked out for no reason, well "i treat him like crap" is apparently the reason but he couldn't give me any examples or specifics...and he said he was leaving me.

while fighting back and forth he made a comment about me failing all my classes this semester. well i failed them because while i should have been doing hw or studying i've been argueing with him, trying to FIND him, apologizing or argueing with the "friends"/friends he's been trying to hook-up with, helping him find a thearapist, a psychiatrist, talking to his mom, etc etc. i didn't mention this to him.

this morning he was being really nice. huh?

well i told him today i can't keep on with this relationship if things aren't going to start getting REALLY better. like stop blaming your problems on me, except responsibility, quit putting me down, support my going to school (which he thinks is "stupid" cause i should "stay at home with the kids and let him support us"). i mean i know its a WHOLE lot to expect but we have had these problems before he started drinking...so i've been waiting YEARS not weeks.

i have a birthday coming up and i'm feeling old and i'm tired of wasting my time. i'm jealous of my friends that are happily married. i want that too.

and so i told him that if this relationship isn't going to start heading in that direction i don't want to waste the best years of mine and my kids lives waiting. i don't want to be miserable forever. is this going to go on forever?

i was nice about it...i wanted to talk, i'm a talk things out person. he said "ok. so be it."
"what does that mean?"
"its over."

now i'm just sad.

but i really don't feel like he wants to make things work...or wants to be with me anymore.

so frustrating. and i have a final exam tonight for the one out of four classes i haven't aready completely failed.
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Old 05-02-2011, 12:31 PM
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I remember once I angrily told my therapist of my husband, "Well he doesn't even WANT to be married! I don't think he ever did!" like it was the world's biggest character defect. It did take some time but I eventually realized that the guy may have made a mistake in getting married and perhaps he is, in fact, seeing that married life (to me anyway) may not be for him. It doesn't make him an evil person. Just a person who has made a mistake.

I make mistakes all the time and I just started (in recovery) to be more accountable to myself about them. There's no reason why I should hold someone else to a totally different standard. He is who he is; there nothing I can do to change that. I am not going to waste precious time on this earth trying to change someone and then get mad at him for not changing into the way I think he should be.

Hugs to you. I know it's tough.
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Old 05-02-2011, 12:32 PM
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What I've heard you say is your husband drinks regularly.
When he drinks, he flirts with others (and maybe more?)
He's depressed.
He is full of (classic alcoholic) apologies and no actions.
He is a cutter.
He is a smoker.
He claims to be committed to change.

You have told him you will do anything you can to help him
You want to know what steps to look into.

Now he is saying it is over.

Honey, this is A LOT to deal with in a short amount of time. Give yourself a break if you are overwhelmed.

He, I am sure, is a wonderful man when his issues don't overtake him. But he has a whole slew of very serious issues. MY AH has some serious issues, too; I understand!

Words from an alcoholic are meaningless. No matter how sorry he is or how much he says he is committed to change, we have an opportunity to tease out what is talk and what is action. Unfortunately, he doesn't want to change. I know you said your first post you are SURE he wants to change, his ACTIONS are showing you what he is choosing to do. He may be suffering from his choices, but he is making them nonetheless. While it may seem obvious his life would be better if he made different choices, it is his right as an adult to make his own choices.

We fixers/helpers say we will do anything to help, but sometimes our help is us trying to control a situation FOR another person.

He doesn't want help. And when he does, he will ask for it.

My AH said I was cruel when I started getting honest with myself and with him about his behavior and what I found unacceptable. I wasn't being cruel, I was being real. Unfortunately, addicts perfer to live in fantasy land rather than face their issues.

It hurts. You're sad. That is OKAY. Feel sad. Explore your sadness and anger and disappointment and hope and love. All those feelings have things to teach you about your needs and wants.

He can't be what you want him to be.

He is who he is.

I would guess although he said it is over, he is testing and you could still be together, if you wanted.
You get to figure out what you want.
I hear you saying you have issues with his behavior.

Are those issues deal breakers?

You are a worthwhile, valuable person who deserves to be treated with respect and have a healthy relationship and father figure for your children.
Are you getting that?
If not, what choices can you make (for you in your life) that could move toward that?

I'd suggest picking up a copy of Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It rocked my world.

Peace and stick around.

p
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Old 05-02-2011, 01:49 PM
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Honey, this is A LOT to deal with in a short amount of time. Give yourself a break if you are overwhelmed.

I am completely and totally overwhelmed and i do need a break.

I would guess although he said it is over, he is testing and you could still be together, if you wanted.
You get to figure out what you want.
I hear you saying you have issues with his behavior.

Are those issues deal breakers?


i agree with that first sentence. and i don't know yet if these are deal breakers. i'm extremely conflict. I want to stop hurting. but he is a great person besides these things. and on top of that based on my religion i don't believe in giving up on people or getting divourced. but i'm afraid in my heart i maybe have already given up.

I'm thinking he needs to stay at his moms (even tho she will baby and pamper him and it probably will just make him feel more right about everything.), i think we should stop talking, and he should watch the kids some on the weekends, because he is doing MUCH better with them. this is my plan for now.

I do need a break. i don't know if it will be temporary or permanent, but i definitly need a break.
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Old 05-02-2011, 02:18 PM
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my hearts hurts for you. these are such, such, such difficult decisions. we just want the sky to open up and a voice to tell us what we should do.

on paper, things look clear. there are no emotions, just words that are your truth in written form. when you involve your heart, oh gosh it's hard.

let me ask you:
you have stated that thing need to change in order for you to stay in the marriage. is that really true? or do you just really, really, really want things to change.

generalizations seem so unfair.
but the one thing i believe is true of ALL practicing (non-recovering) alcoholics, is that they say things that simply do not happen. their follow-through really sucks.

for now, sometimes all one can do, is put one foot in front of the other
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Old 05-02-2011, 06:59 PM
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So much to think about when you should be focusing on your school work!
My husband was the same way. Is the same way.
Everything is my fault. I treated him like crap. I made him feel like a second class citizen. I am the reason he drank-he is living elsewhere and he is still drinking. I want to ask what his excuse is now.
I think part of it is that they project onto us all their insecurities and failures. That could be another reason he does not want you to go to school and become independent.

It is so hard to let someone go. I am struggling with that and not wanting to give up on someone who I know is a wonderful person except that he is sick and he is refusing to get the treatment to get better.

My husband also said he did not know he wanted to continue to be married. He wanted to be on his own. That was so hurtful. He did not do anything about it. He sat in his chair and drank, being miserable and I kept getting sicker and sicker. We were going to counseling and he said hurtful things and admitted he was not giving even 50% to the marriage.

Everything he did and said told me he rather drink than be with me.
Someone said this on the board at some point and it made sense.
Think about it like you are going to a dance.
This person has told you that they don't want to go and isn't even a good dancer.
What kind of time do you think you are going to have?


My therapist put it this way "Either you separate, take care of yourself and live the life you want or resolve to be the wife of an alcoholic."

You cannot change him or expect him to change for you.

You have to change for you.

It hurt like hell but I moved out because I knew what an unhealthy situation it was for both of us. He began being emotionally abusive and threatened physical abuse.

My life is not "better". I miss his company. the way he made me laugh and feel. I missed that when I was living with him.
My life is more peaceful, not walking on eggshells and worrying what he is doing.
I am doing things I want to do and spending time with friends that make me feel good.
I have reconnected with old friends and have learned to be grateful for so many blessings in my life. I have learned how strong I am.
I know that if we were still together I would be a crazy woman. I feel it is yet another sign that my HP is taking good care of me.
I continue to hope and pray that he will choose sobriety. Then maybe we can work on healing our relationship.

You don't need to make a decision right now. Focus on school the best you can and decide when you are ready.
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