confusedandsad

we were fighting last night. he freaked out for no reason, well "i treat him like crap" is apparently the reason but he couldn't give me any examples or specifics...and he said he was leaving me.

while fighting back and forth he made a comment about me failing all my classes this semester. well i failed them because while i should have been doing hw or studying i've been argueing with him, trying to FIND him, apologizing or argueing with the "friends"/friends he's been trying to hook-up with, helping him find a thearapist, a psychiatrist, talking to his mom, etc etc. i didn't mention this to him.

this morning he was being really nice. huh?

well i told him today i can't keep on with this relationship if things aren't going to start getting REALLY better. like stop blaming your problems on me, except responsibility, quit putting me down, support my going to school (which he thinks is "stupid" cause i should "stay at home with the kids and let him support us"). i mean i know its a WHOLE lot to expect but we have had these problems before he started drinking...so i've been waiting YEARS not weeks.

i have a birthday coming up and i'm feeling old and i'm tired of wasting my time. i'm jealous of my friends that are happily married. i want that too.

and so i told him that if this relationship isn't going to start heading in that direction i don't want to waste the best years of mine and my kids lives waiting. i don't want to be miserable forever. is this going to go on forever?

i was nice about it...i wanted to talk, i'm a talk things out person. he said "ok. so be it."
"what does that mean?"
"its over."

now i'm just sad.

but i really don't feel like he wants to make things work...or wants to be with me anymore.

so frustrating. and i have a final exam tonight for the one out of four classes i haven't aready completely failed.