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Drinking after his meeting?

Old 04-27-2011, 07:54 PM
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Drinking after his meeting?

So I just talked to xabf. He attended his first as meeting tonight. He texted me a little after 7 to say that he was glad he went and it was good. I replied that I was glad and he could call me if he wanted to later.

He called an hour later, I could hear it in his voice, he has had several beers. I know, even over the Phone. I didn't accuse. He brought it up by baiting me with "I can't believe I am getting accused of DRINKING tonight.
" and what bs it was that his dad accused him.
Still Played dumb but listened to his quacking about how beneficial the meeting was until I was really sure, then stated simply that I needed to go get dd in bed.

Really?

I guess there is a possibility that he lied and did not go to the meeting. Or maybe he went, and started drinking after the meeting. Has your a drank immediately after meetings?
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Old 04-27-2011, 07:58 PM
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Unfortunately, some people do attend meetings and then stop and get a six-pack on the way home. Some do it for a long time. Some people actually "get it" and some don't.

Maybe he's just telling you what he thinks you want to hear?
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Old 04-27-2011, 08:01 PM
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I think our addicted loved ones live in this fantasy world where if they THINK it and SAY it , is just as good as having done it. My ah has lied so many times to me that I never believe a word he says and then he pulls the guilt card out when he is truthful and tries to make me feel like crap.

You should be proud of your victory this eve - you didnt rise to his bait and you ended the conversation calmly. It also sounds you are in a great headspace. Way to go and thanks for the inspiration.
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Old 04-27-2011, 08:06 PM
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Just got another call that I didn't answer because I was snuggling with dd. Then a text that says "fine, I guess you aren't talking to me". Then "fineas long as no one is talking to me I might as well go get more booze"

I didnt respond to these, so the last one before I turned the phone off said "I'm going out later with a woman from the meeting"

Ugh. Phone OFF
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Old 04-27-2011, 08:08 PM
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Good for you! Don't take the bait.

Quack, quack, quack.
Don't engage. Don't engage. Don't engage.
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Old 04-27-2011, 08:10 PM
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Yup, turn that phone off and enjoy your daughter!!

You're doing great,XXXXXX! I'm so proud of you. Stay strong, you won't regret it.
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Old 04-27-2011, 09:27 PM
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Glad to hear that you were strong. All those texts were just attempts to control. Trying to get a rise out of you. Even if you are angry, having you yell at him would be better than nothing, in his eyes.

He definitely doesn't get it. Threatening to go get more booze if you won't talk to him says that in plain english. He's only "doing" whatever he is "doing" to make you happy, to shut you up. At least that is what it looks like to me, as someone who has seen the same thing for herself. They only want to look like they are trying, hoping that will be enough to keep us satisfied. Eventually they go back to doing whatever.

I need posts like this, to soothe me when I have bad days, wondering if I made the right decision when I left my ex. Thanks for the reminder.
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Old 04-27-2011, 09:36 PM
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You're standing strong, XXXXXXXXXX.
Can I say 10X from now on?
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Old 04-27-2011, 09:44 PM
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talking the talk!?

I'm Sorry for you and your baby, and you are doing exactly what you are supposed to do!!!! Anyone can talk the talk but not back it up because they would have to be honest with themselves!!! oops!!! I had to!!! And yep it did hurt for a while until I grew up & start telling the truth.................carry on w/ the tough love program, It works if they really care about you!
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Old 04-27-2011, 09:46 PM
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I think our addicted loved ones live in this fantasy world where if they THINK it and SAY it , is just as good as having done it. My ah has lied so many times to me that I never believe a word he says and then he pulls the guilt card out when he is truthful and tries to make me feel like crap.


This is soooo true in my life.
My RAH seems to think that just thinking good thoughts is going to be enough.

Its been this way for years, and he is better, now, by far, but when he was drinking it was so awful.

BTW--Hes not going out with a woman from the meeting. He is WITH his woman from the meeting--her name is BOOZE
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Old 04-28-2011, 02:28 AM
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I asked a co-worker about this very thing a few weeks ago. He is a alcoholic who has started attending meetings recently. He said that booze has been his crutch for so long that anything that overwhelms him naturally gets soothed by alcohol. The meetings were something new, something confronting and therefore something overwhelming. Hence for the first few meetings, his desire to drink afterwards was very strong. Its an interesting point he gave, especially since he stopped drinking after his 4th meeting. I dont know how I personally feel about what he said but Im grateful for his honesty. And Ive tried not to judge.

On the other hand, you didnt let him push your buttons with crazy texts. Congratulations on choosing your health over his quacking. Thats wonderful strength.
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Old 04-28-2011, 03:14 AM
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I've attended AA meetings with an exbf who was in recovery. I saw people show up drunk.

They welcome them, all the same.

My ex played a lot of games to make me think he was on the right path; for ex., texting me to ask his therapist's address. He's been seeing that therapist for years, he knows where it is. He just wanted to let me know he was GOING to a therapist.
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Old 04-28-2011, 08:04 AM
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Good for you, don't let him get you to engage.

My A drank before meetings, after meetings...didn't stop until he hit bottom, and that was many months and lots of BS later.
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Old 04-28-2011, 09:27 AM
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Originally Posted by seekingcalm View Post
My A drank before meetings, after meetings....
My ex AH used (prescription drugs) before during & after meetings for yrs ~ the members asked him to quit chairing, but never refused to allow him to attend, asked him to step down from the financial position he held, he finally quit the program all together ~ he couldn't keep up the lies

My Addict daughter said she made some of her best connections at one of the "meetings" ~ now that she is truly working to stay sober - she attends a different meeting.

I have heard AA speakers say that it didn't matter what their loved ones said when they were in this state of mine - they would do or say anything to justify their behaviors ~ so please know it's not about you - it's about him and the disease he is fighting!

Keep taking good care of YOU!

PINK HUGS,
Rita
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Old 04-28-2011, 09:37 AM
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[QUOTE]
Originally Posted by XXXXXXXXXX View Post
So I just talked to xabf. He attended his first as meeting tonight. He texted me a little after 7 to say that he was glad he went and it was good. I replied that I was glad and he could call me if he wanted to later.

He called an hour later, I could hear it in his voice, he has had several beers. I know, even over the Phone. I didn't accuse. He brought it up by baiting me with "I can't believe I am getting accused of DRINKING tonight.
" and what bs it was that his dad accused him.
Still Played dumb but listened to his quacking about how beneficial the meeting was until I was really sure, then stated simply that I needed to go get dd in bed.

Really?
That bold part belongs in "things normies don't know/do". I too can tell, over the phone when AH is drinking. In fact, I can tell based on what he used to say he was leaving to do whether he was going to drink. A's I guess think that we are idiots or they are just so consumed with their "fix" that they don't care how obvious they are... Sorry you had to deal with this. I'd turn the phone off for good when he leaves the house from now on. That way you are guaranteed peace.

I guess there is a possibility that he lied and did not go to the meeting. Or maybe he went, and started drinking after the meeting. Has your a drank immediately after meetings?
My H and I were returning from outpatient rehab family night a few months ago (for him) and 2 of the guys from his program- who were there bc of a court mandate- were at the gas station we stopped at bc the car was running on fumes. They asked AH if he wanted anything and then went into the store and got a case of beer each. In broad daylight. They could've been busted and gone back to jail and had just left a 3 hr rehab/AA type meeting... And I think that AH was upset that I was there and he couldn't join them.

So, yes, people drink before, after and if they could get away with it, during meetings. My H hasn't done it in front of me but like you I've known when he has bc of the texts I get, the calls or the way he leaves the house claiming he is going to a meeting and then stumbles home 5 hrs later...

I think turning off your phone and continuing as best you can to not respond to him when he baits you is your best bet...
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Old 04-28-2011, 11:52 AM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
as he IS now an EX and as these conversations and texts don't really seem to GO anywhere, and in fact are pretty intrusive on your peace and serenity and time with your child, would you consider moving more towards no contact?

after a while they become more like telemarketers, don't they? annoying and pointless........with nothing of value to OFFER.
I have seriously and am seriously considering n.c. It is a hard decision for me to make. I think eventually it will come to that. I am not there yet. I do see your point. Thanks for reminding me.
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Old 04-28-2011, 02:43 PM
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As one who violated no contact too many times, I second what anvilhead said. Nothing good can come of it for you or him. All I got was a) getting sucked in again to "I really wanna change" then 2 days later, getting drunken text messages and b) more quack quack quack (including blaming ME for the time he put his gun in his mouth and threatened suicide.)

They are simply not worth dealing with, unless and until they're TRULY embarking on a program of sober recovery. Maybe after they've been doing it a year, so you know it's for real.

Originally Posted by XXXXXXXXXX View Post
I have seriously and am seriously considering n.c. It is a hard decision for me to make. I think eventually it will come to that. I am not there yet. I do see your point. Thanks for reminding me.
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Old 04-29-2011, 12:25 PM
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Originally Posted by pupnut5 View Post
I asked a co-worker about this very thing a few weeks ago. He is a alcoholic who has started attending meetings recently. He said that booze has been his crutch for so long that anything that overwhelms him naturally gets soothed by alcohol. The meetings were something new, something confronting and therefore something overwhelming. Hence for the first few meetings, his desire to drink afterwards was very strong. Its an interesting point he gave, especially since he stopped drinking after his 4th meeting. I dont know how I personally feel about what he said but Im grateful for his honesty. And Ive tried not to judge.
It is SO GOOD to get the truth from someone relatively neutral in our lives, someone who has little to nothing to gain by telling us what they think we want to hear, as opposed to what is the actual truth.

Originally Posted by sandrawg View Post
I've attended AA meetings with an exbf who was in recovery. I saw people show up drunk.

They welcome them, all the same.
That's an excellent thing about AA. A's learn to not judge each other. I am learning, via Al-Anon, to drop the judgments, even when my AH comes home from a meeting and it's clear he has had something to drink. It does become clear to us, when our A's have been drinking. What I've learned in Al-Anon is to notice it with neutrality, and, to realize "quacking" when I hear it. Developing the neutral response to his quacking has led to less quacking from him.

Today's ONE DAY at a TIME in AL-ANON (little blue book) post is right along these lines:

APRIL 29 in The Little Blue Book ONE DAY at a TIME in AL-ANON:

"A little meditation on the word FORGIVE can throw some rather surprising light on our understanding of the word.

"We are asked to forgive those who have injured us. Unless we have first judged and condemned them for what they did, there would be no reason for us to forgive them. Rather we would have to forgive ourselves for judging.

"The Scripture says: 'Judge not that ye be not judged.' If we do judge - no matter how great the injury or how premeditated - WE are at fault. Following this train of thought to its logical conclusion, we see that we can forgive only ourselves. In doing so, we also forgive the person whose action we have resented.

"Today's Reminder

"'Thou shalt love they neighbor as thyself' tells me I must first make peace with myself before I can learn to love others. I must remind myself constantly that I can never know any other person's motives and conditioning; I must, for my own sake, accept them as they are. A large ingredient of that acceptance is loving tolerance.

"'Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.' (Luke)

"'And forgive me for judging and retaliating. Help me to forgive myself; I know this is the first step toward spiritual security'."
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Old 04-29-2011, 03:39 PM
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He is grasping at anything now with the texts. Good for you for not taking the bait. Going no contact is hard, I don't know if I could BUT I started to get texts like that, I definately would. It is intrusive and emotionally abusive to you.

You are doing great though!
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