GettingBy

So, I've left a message with the attorney I work with for engineering stuff (he's a great guy, I trust and respect him)... and will work on getting my divorce attorney replaced today. I didn't deal with it last week because I was out of town two days for work and then off on Friday with the kids. Top of the to-do list today though!!

As I mentioned in other posts, AH and I have gone round and round about who stays and who goes. I realized last week that by expecting him to do something - I was giving him control over my life and serenity. SO fine, I go. I called around and checked classifieds/craigslist... and guess what I found this morning?!?!

A perfect house for me! 4 bedroom, 2 bathroom, completely gutted and remodeled... and 10 minutes from my parents :-) (I'm about 20 now). It has lots of room for the kids, a big yard to get them a swingset, and space for my business!! It's available June 1st which gives us some time to get the temporary custody paperwork in order. I'm going to see it tomorrow afternoon.



I will not be held hostage anymore.

lillamy

You GO, girl!!!!
Taking charge of your own life and your own destiny!
I want to do a little happy dance for ya, but I think I'd scare the downstairs neighbors.

stella27

good for you, GB. If his plans are to do nothing, you are simply going to have to make plans for yourself. It sounds perfect.

Check these things off your list. You are making great srides.

StarCat

Oooh, hooray!
How exciting!
You deserve the best. I am so excited to see that you're finally starting to get some of it!

Ponder

Good for you. Hopefully you'll find a good attorney a.s.a.p. too.

Sylvie66

Wow! Good for you! That's a huge realization, and the place sounds like it could really work out.

- Sylvie

Tuffgirl

Congrats...and good thinking...sometimes peace requires us to give up the battle.

GettingBy

That's exactly where I'm at. Letting go of the need to right fight. My current attorney (the one who's getting the ax) wants to fight, fight, fight... he wants to kick AH out, file all sorts of restraining orders, and ruin AH. He wants me to get the marital house, full custody, marital support... yada-yada-yada... even though I've said repeatedly... I DON'T WANT IT!! I just want him out of my life!!

Time to find an attorney that will help me get what I WANT. I understand there are "risks" to me leaving but for my own sanity, I need to go. He's going to keep drinking, and not addressing his anger... and as long as those two things are going on - I'm not safe.

That's exactly the problem I'm faced with... his plan is to do nothing. Throw out half-assed promises in hopes that it stems the tide and gets me to stay put. He mentioned marital counseling last week... only in hopes to bait me into the dance. I didn't bite because I know he's not going to actually find a counselor, or make an appointment. All of that means he'd actually have to DO SOMETHING... beside lifting a glass to mouth.

I'm so done with my marriage today.


I'm getting excited about going to see the house tomorrow. The more I look at the pictures, the more I realize that it's almost a mirror image of the beloved house we sold to move into the current house. It's a move back into my comfort zone!!

All things for a reason!

TakingCharge999

Hugs!!

It feels great to be DONE. I was recently DONE with a specific situation. It feels great to be DONE!! I insist, lol.

I also notice how I am held hostage in several situations. I will not be held hostage anymore either! here is to freedom!

catlovermi

Did I just feel a turbo blast??

CLMI

sandrawg

You reminded me why I hate attorneys.

They want to fight fight fight because then they can bill bill bill.. Do what's right for you. Legal battles are physically and mentally exhausting and prevent you from moving on, IMO.

GettingBy

Ugh... so he just called... because he actually called a counselor!!!! And wanted to talk to me about if his insurance covered it, when he'd like to go... he rambled on and on...

and I said nothing.

He realized I wasn't talking and asked what I was thinking... I told him I didn't understand what he wanted to get from a marriage counselor. He said its so that we can learn how to communicate! (WTF?!?!) I said, "What good is that going to do about the unacceptable behavior?" At which point, the conversation took a hard left into "Nowhere Good". He got mad, yelled at me and said he doesn't have a drinking problem and everybody he has asked has confirmed that. "They" all agree that I am being unreasonable and that I must be leaving him for another man... because I make no sense.

I calmly told him that if a friend treated me the way he's been treating me, they wouldn't be my friend anymore. It's unacceptable the way he talks to me, the way he diminishes my feelings, and completely unacceptable to lay a hand on me. Then he got really mad... and yelled...

"ARE YOU SERIOUSLY GOING TO HOLD THAT AGAINST ME FOREVER?!?!? I guess so!! So why the hell am I bothering with a marriage counselor?!?!"

Me... "I really don't know. That was entirely your decision."


He's mad. Really mad that I'm just walking away from "us." He doesn't think I've given it a fair shot. I disagree. I think I have.

His last words to me (before he hung up on me!)... "I hope you know what you are doing. This will destroy the kids, and it's ALL ON YOU. Bad news Shannon... the grass ISN'T greener on the other side."


I've been down the marriage counselor road with him. Unless this counselor is trained for addictions... it's only going to fuel his ego. The counselor is going to pick us both apart - AH will cling to all the things I am doing wrong, and won't face his own stuff. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.


Damn it. Why did I take that call and let him ruin my good day!?!??!



Now I've got him in my head... screwing with my thinking. Making me think I am being unreasonable for not letting the drinking incidents go.

Tuffgirl

Quacker!

wanttobehealthy

I was told the same thing this weekend when he realized I wasn't backing down, threatening, joking etc... about leaving and filing for divorce. I got the "I don't know what you think you're going to find elsewhere but no one is ever going to match up to your unreasonable standards" -- yeah, unreasonable standards like don't abuse me, be honest and don't steal money. Your H is having an adult temper tantrum bc he is not getting his way. He's going to say whatever he can to try and suck you back in.

Ditto. AH really wants to go to MC (or wanted to as of a few weeks ago) and was having his own version of the tantrum your AH is having for the same reason. He wants to go to MC bc he can fool the MC into thinking that the "problem" is something mutual that can be resolved by talking about communication etc... You nailed it-- your AH wants to have his ego stroked and wants a 3rd party to tell him what YOU are doing wrong so he can cling to that and keep ignoring his issues.

Quote:

Damn it. Why did I take that call and let him ruin my good day!?!??!

Just repeat over and over "he's an addict, he's doing what addicts do... he's sick, it's not about me... "

Quote:

Now I've got him in my head... screwing with my thinking. Making me think I am being unreasonable for not letting the drinking incidents go.

You KNOW that's not true. You are not unreasonable for saying "this is unacceptable". He can continue to think what he thinks and act however he wants but YOU don't have to stick around and let it ruin you. I've been trying to make the distinction in my mind between "not letting something go" and giving myself permission to choose what is and isn't acceptable to me and making it an issue of what I can and can't accept instead of what he should or shouldn't be doing... You're doing the same. He can do what he wants-- you are just deciding what you will or won't live with. There's nothing unreasonable about that. What's unreasonable are all the years we both have spent living with behaviors that aren't compatible with what we want/deserve/expect and putting up with it and subjecting our kids to it anyway.

Now you know, don't pick up the phone...

BobbyJ

They will guilt you and make you drop to your knee's,,,,when they use
your children as targets.. (IGNORE IT)

Why do we answer their phone calls? (DUMB US)

Marriage Counseling Now? ( Get sober, might take him 5 years to do it, then counseling for himself, then MAYBE friendship counseling for the both of you) There is no marriage, when they are NOT sober...
Think of what it has done to you (YOUR A MESS) like me, if YOU dont stop it, your going to end up with damaged kids..YES, from the alcoholic!!....

SO...Until he is Truely RECOVERED....you might as well hand the dog the phone next time...

Go to AA and find someone who is has truely recovered for 10+ years...You will see the difference!!! - You will stop thinking twice about yourself..

Hang Tight Baby...Your only in the middle of the storm!!!

When you get your own place and get away from his craziness for a couple of months, you will see just how really sick he is......(Been There, Done That..& I WON SERENITY)

BobbyJ

I will not be held hostage anymore.


Throw on your running shoes & go let off some steam...

enjoy YOUR day!

sandrawg

Somebody said something on another thread that, an addict NEEDS his drug like a normal person needs water.

Imagine if someone said to you "quit drinking water or I walk."

You'd probably behave like your AH is behaving.

all I can say is, I too, laid down the law about "unacceptable behavior." I got the same kind of reaction as your AH is reacting. Keep in mind, these are all denial games he is playing with you to see if he can suck you in again with his lies.

I got:

"you're the only one in my life who sees me like that" (I assume he meant "who sees him as an alcoholic." well, that's not exactly true. His former best drinking buddy sees him like that. And so does his therapist, who is also my therapist. NOT ONLY THAT I was the only one close enough to him to have seen his crazy alcoholic behavior for the last 3.5 yrs--everyone else in his life are other addicts/alcoholics he hangs out with, or his in-denial family.)

"Why do you keep trying to make this all about drinking?" BECAUSE IT IS ALL ABOUT DRINKING!

"You want to convince yourself, J left you for booze, blow it out your a$$" - well let's see. when you asked me what you needed to do, to get me back, I said "stop drinking." And you walked. I call that leaving me for booze!

See ,how irrational they are?

I decided should my ex ever try to contact me again, I'm going to simply say this line no matter what:

"I had every right to leave a relationship that was not safe or healthy for me. So long as you were drinking, you were not a reliable or trustworthy person to have in my life. So long as you continue to drink, you are not someone I can have in my life."

Case closed!

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

GettingBy and WanttoBeH - Did you two find some speedtrack to get out of CRAZYLAND or what??

It is funny how they all say the same thing. Mine started with the marriage counseling BS too and I said Been there, tried that, got the T Shirt that said "Marriage Counseling does not work with an A"!

You go girl because you are on your way to PEACELAND

ps Going to look at an apartment for me and the girls tonight!!

StarCat

Sometimes we need another reminder that the stove is hot.
Sometimes we need another reminder of why we're leaving in the first place.



You are getting where you need to go.
He is not worth ruining your day.

Ponder

Who's "they"? His drinking buddies? I bet they have the same flippen mentality. You are NOT being unreasonable. The "they" in my ABF life thought the same thing until he spent the night at their house because I refused to go and babysit his ass. "They" got the full monte that night, and "they" by some miracle "got it," at least some of it. Those friends think beer is still okay, but refuse to serve him whiskey anymore. ugh, take what I can get I suppose.

My humble opinion, consider the source of who is agreeing that it's unreasonable.