Alone22

Stay strong! Bad behavior is bad behavior coming from an A or not. At this point there isn't really a reason to argue over if he is an A or not (not say you are) because either way he is still a self centered jerk. He proved it by making horrible threats and trying to guilt you into believing something that is just plain false. All I see is an addict( or jerk) pulling out everything he has to try to control the situation.

Focus on the positive steps your are taking and some day soon you will be able to leave the craziness behind you.

Seren

Oh my! It is time to get out the duck, isn't it?!

Mantra for today: "I'm looking at a new house tomorrow!"
"I'm looking at a new house tomorrow!"
"I'm looking at a new house tomorrow!".........

Repeat as needed....
Take yourself and kiddos out for pizza....
Shoot, get an office supply catalog and shop for new stuff for the at-home office perfect for an engineer (oooooo....drafting table anyone?!).

Hugs and prayers!
HG

Cyranoak

"Bad news Shannon... the grass ISN'T greener on the other side."

Yes it is, but it doesn't even matter. The best part, and the part he'll eventually figure out if he hasn't already and will probably never admit, is that you didn't leave him for another man... you left him.

***hole.

Cyranoak

P.s. It won't destroy the kids. The damage has already been done, and primarily by him. On the contrary, this will help them begin to heal.

P.p.s. I'm 45 years old and I've never hit a woman. Ever. It was easy. What I did was, I didn't hit a woman. Super complicated, but I was able to do it.

GettingBy

Well in his mind... he's changed EVERYTHING... he claims he's given up his entire identity to survive with me! (Said with the most dramatic flair possible, of course!) My response to that has very consistently been... well if being with me means letting go of your identity... let's get you out of here so you can get back to being you!!

As for the madness and the kids, he claims that having us at home together is so much better than a broken home. He sites all sorts of articles that support his theory... the only problem, not one of them discuss alcoholism in the home. OH, but wait, according to him... we don't have that.




I talked to my lawyer friend this afternoon... he was all sorts of supportive. He said I was 100% doing the right thing to get out of the situation I was in. Said that DV never goes any place good without some serious intervention. He agreed with my opinion of lawyer I'm firing. He gave me the name of another lawyer he thought was a better match to me, my personality, and how I handle myself. I left a message for her... hopefully she'll get back to me soon.


Thanks for all the support folks. I feel like I'm in the eye of the storm right now. I know I will get through this... but it hurts like hell.

suki44883

he claims that having us at home together is so much better than a broken home.

I've heard it said, and agree 100%...it is better to have come from a broken home than to live in one.

Sylvie66

One of the things that really helped me in my decisions lately has been talking IRL to ACOAs. I had someone thank me last week for moving out, even after almost 4 years of living in an alcoholic household.

Keep breathing - sometimes doing right isn't necessarily good, and vice verce.

- Sylvie

sandrawg

We're with you. We got your back

Just remember the right thing to do is often the hardest.

Jeep08

I feel the pain you are in.

My wife and I have been through a roller coaster of fights over her drinking for 4 years. I love her but can not live with her drinking. Four years ago she drove very stupidly drunk with the kids in the car and I confronted her. She has tried many options to quit drinking and has repeatedly failed. She was only successful at getting really good at hiding it. Five weeks ago I caught her with her bottle hidden in the closet as she was poring a drink. She could not deny anything any longer. I told her she had to leave. I was done worrying if the kids were safe when she was with them. She admitted she knew she was an alcoholic but her half hearted attempts at therapy and AA had not stuck. I had found information about a residential treatment facility with a six week stay.

My boundary was that she had to leave due to her drinking. She had two options. A. Go anywhere she wanted to and do whatever she wanted but I was keeping the kids. B. Go to the treatment facility and really work the program, but she still had to go. I told her if she did she could come back sober and with a better set of tools and we would try again. Time will tell if she follows through with regular treatment and stays sober or not. She is still in treatment. My boundary stays the same the kids safety and them not being exposed to her drinking is the #1 goal. The rest of our issues we can work on if she is not drinking. Residential therapy, lost wages and marriage counseling are expensive but not nearly as expensive as divorce lawyers, both in money and for the well being of the kids. It only has a chance if they get sober. We have to be willing to make the hard choices to protect the kids and ourselves.

Here is a question to think about? Can you prove that he is an alcoholic to the courts and get full custody? How will you feel if he has partial custody of the kids and is still drinking? That is a hard question and you may want to raise it with the lawyer. I was at an advantage my wife admitted she was an alcoholic and knew the effects it will have long term on our kids. She was open to geting help. She is a child of an alcoholic. I told her that the kids were the number one priority and they needed to be protected from her drinking, either through her sobriety or my custody of them. It was her choice to make not mine and my boundary set for my own sanity and the safety of the kids. That conversation would not have worked if that had not been her first drink of the day.

I am still upset, mad and feel cheated but it gets a little easier each day. I think it will be a very long road when she gets back but I am very glad she went to the program. I am very proud of her choice to take the hard and rocky road to treatment. Even if she does not want to be with me the kids are better of with a healthy and sober mom in their lives.

Jeep08

Deer GETTINGBY.

Making a choice and sticking to it feels good. It is taking control of your life when it feels out of control and that feels great. Please remember to considered all the out comes and explore all your possibilities. I am very happy my spouse made the choice for treatment. Good luck to you and your family I hope everything improves for you.

GettingBy

Thanks Jeep. I'm happy your spouse chose treatment too. Not all of them, or many of them for that matter, make that choice. Mine certainly isn't. He's got a death grip on the bottle and even the loss of his family isn't loosening it.

I'm sad tonight. I'm looking forward to going to see the house tomorrow... but I'm so sad that my life turned into this. AH said to me tonight, "This is all because you couldn't let go of your hurt and resentments. You just can't forgive me."

And to be honest, right now I can't, nor do I think I should. I have forgiven so many things in the past. I've turned the other cheek more times than I can count. And it's to the point that I can't turn it any more.

I won't do marriage counseling. I've given up on us.

Until and unless he acknowledges that the drinking is a problem... and does something about it... I'm not participating in this marriage.

GettingBy

I have to keep re-reading this... it's so true. And I think that's why he was so mad and hurt tonight. He knows there is no one else. I would rather be alone than be with him.

I think I would feel like a pile of $hit too if my spouse disliked me enough to divorce me just to go live alone.

Eh, well, the difference is... I'd do something about it. I wouldnt just keep flapping my mouth and acting like an asshat.

Jeep08

I do feel lucky that AW made her choice. Reading the threads I seem to be in a rare position and appreciate it. I hope the new house gives you the distance you need to feel better. Keep working on a life for your self and your girls.

wanttobehealthy

Let us know how the house is... and I'm sorry you're sad. I think it's perfectly normal though. No one goes into marriage, has kids, builds a life together and imagines having to dismantle it. Look at it though as a chance to start a new chapter and create a new life with just the good parts from your current one...

I've heard the same lately... About how no one I will ever be with will measure up to my unreasonable standards (right-- things like honesty, not being abusive-- all unreasonable!) :rotfxko

Your H knows full well, as does mine that he is the one who doesn't have the willingness to change or ability or both. He probably just wishes that you would play the game one more time of "I'm going to change I am so sorry" and then have you forgive again and go through the madness all over.

The status quo has worked for your H and mine for quite some time. It's not working for us anymore and we've made that clear and they are trying everything to get it back.

I don't know about you but for me, the more these kinds of remarks are made, the more certain it makes me that I have made the right decision. It's just additional confirmation.

For what it's worth, my H acknowledges that drinking is a problem, goes to AA and outpatient rehab and it made zero difference. Sober or not he's not someone I would choose as a friend right now, let alone a husband, so why on earth would I stay with someone who I feel that way about? It sounds to me like you're pretty much on the same page....

FindingPeace1

Well in his mind... he's changed EVERYTHING... he claims he's given up his entire identity to survive with me! (Said with the most dramatic flair possible, of course!) My response to that has very consistently been... well if being with me means letting go of your identity... let's get you out of here so you can get back to being you!!

Your sharp wit makes my day!

GettingBy

Well, I went to go look at the house! It's super cute... Has a big bedroom downstairs that would serve well as an office. One big bedroom upstairs for me, a tiny bedroom that could be a play room... And the other bedroom is super cool... Perfect for kids. To get to it... You go through a leprechaun size door in the big room... And into a perfect space for two kids beds and space for lots of fun!!!

It's a nice house, and I could see us living there. But it's kind of far away from daycare and daughter's school. I thanked the guy for showing me and told him I would get back to him. I need some time to sit with it. It's available June 1st so I have a little time, but he's having an open house this weekend. If it gets rented so be it. I'm not ready to pull the trigger just yet... And all things for a reason.

AH and I talked about the living situation last night. He has all sorts of ideas that include us staying under the same roof while we try to sell the house. He doesn't want to spend money on rent. I say it will be the best money I ever spent.

I did order a new al-anon book... Opening our Hearts, transforming our losses. A lady from my home group said it was her life line during her divorce. And well, I could use a lifeline or two these days!

AH retained an attorney this morning. He called me during the day and was all chatty about the weather, work, and his lacrosse game tonight. It was bizarre. Same thing while he was home before his game tonight... All happy joyous and free. Guess getting a set of brains about the divorce process gave him peace. Who knows, and who cares. (apparently I do because I just wrote that stupid paragraph. Good god.)

Anyways, I'm trying to get a meeting set up with potential new attorneys. I spoke to one of the secretaries today. She asked who I was firing... And then laughed out loud when I said the name. Apparently my current divorce attorney doesn't have a very favorable reputation... Or at least has a reputation for loving litigating!!! I need to get a replacement as soon as possible.

The kids and I had a great and fun filled night. They are curled up in bed asleep together, like kittens! We are having really strong thunderstorms tonight and they were scared and wanted to be together... I couldn't say no. The love each other so much... It's a blessing to witness.

Well, I'm glad you're all hear to listen.

kittykitty

:ghug3

StarCat

The house sounds awesome!
Please post pictures, if you decide to go this route? I'd love to see it. <3

And hooray for you! You are moving forward, and doing great.
You deserve the best in life, and you're on your way to getting there.
Hooray!

LaTeeDa

Those are the moments that make life worthwhile. My kids love each other, too. Although, since they are teenagers now, getting them to admit it openly is impossible, lol. But I still see it in their concern and interaction with each other. My sister and I are very close and always have been. I believe it's a silver lining in the dark cloud of alcoholic families.

The house will be if it's meant to be. You are on your path, letting life happen. Your future is bright. Sleep well.

L

Ponder

It might be my own paranoia after divorcing a narcissistic abusive control freak a couple years ago, but his happy joyous attitude made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. My first thought is be wary of this sudden new found attitude. I do hope you find an attorney soon!

ValJester

GB, well done. I moved me and my girls out a bout two months ago. It seems lonely at first, strange house, reneted not my own. Missed my wife or at least how I remembered her.

The serenity of being away from living with an active alcoholic massively offsets all the fear and loneliness.

I now have a couple of pals in that town. My 16year old daughter is blossoming.

It was the right decision.

Enjoy your new place, it will feel tough at first but you probably won't regret it.

Take care...