Moving forward with my life...
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by Ponder 
It might be my own paranoia after divorcing a narcissistic abusive control freak a couple years ago, but his happy joyous attitude made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. My first thought is be wary of this sudden new found attitude. I do hope you find an attorney soon!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by Ponder
It might be my own paranoia after divorcing a narcissistic abusive control freak a couple years ago, but his happy joyous attitude made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. My first thought is be wary of this sudden new found attitude. I do hope you find an attorney soon!
I hope for your sake GB that your H is just accepting what is and being agreeable but I'd be very careful about sharing too much with him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Well, I had drafted a nice response and then my internet browser had a brain fart and all was lost! Doh!
First I want to say thank you to ValJester... I want to give you a big giant hug for your post. It says it all for me. I know that moving out is going to be hard - it's not going to fix all the problems (I'm taking my crap with me!), but it will get me out of the chaos of the drinking and the toxic interactions that come with day-to-day living with an A. It will give me the space I need to breath, and to focus on me and fix my part of the situation. I hate the thought of going from homeowner to renter... but it is what it is. It's all a phase/transition... this too shall pass.
As for my AH, the hairs on my neck stood up at first too. I went through the whole, "OMG, what is he going to do to me?!?!" panic... but then reality set in, "He's going to do what he's going to do, and I have NO CONTROL. So, take a deep breath and focus on me." We talked briefly this morning. I asked how his meeting went, and he said, "Good. It really helped to talk to an attorney and learn exactly what the process is. I feel so much better now that I know." I see peace in him now. Acceptance that this divorce is going to move forward, as much as he disagrees. Replacing fear with knowledge has calmed him down, much like it did for me.
We are going to be okay. I know we both want this to be as amicable as possible for the kids. I'm sure it will get emotional at times and we'll both slip and do things that contradict our desire to put the kids first... but I'll do my best to keep my side focused and moving forward. That's all I can do.
I'm interviewing a bunch of attorneys today - need to get a replacement lined up ASAP. Got some input regarding one of the replacements I was looking at - turns out she's a shark too. Damnit. I'll keep looking until I find one that works for me. No rushed decisions this time.
First I want to say thank you to ValJester... I want to give you a big giant hug for your post. It says it all for me. I know that moving out is going to be hard - it's not going to fix all the problems (I'm taking my crap with me!), but it will get me out of the chaos of the drinking and the toxic interactions that come with day-to-day living with an A. It will give me the space I need to breath, and to focus on me and fix my part of the situation. I hate the thought of going from homeowner to renter... but it is what it is. It's all a phase/transition... this too shall pass.
As for my AH, the hairs on my neck stood up at first too. I went through the whole, "OMG, what is he going to do to me?!?!" panic... but then reality set in, "He's going to do what he's going to do, and I have NO CONTROL. So, take a deep breath and focus on me." We talked briefly this morning. I asked how his meeting went, and he said, "Good. It really helped to talk to an attorney and learn exactly what the process is. I feel so much better now that I know." I see peace in him now. Acceptance that this divorce is going to move forward, as much as he disagrees. Replacing fear with knowledge has calmed him down, much like it did for me.
We are going to be okay. I know we both want this to be as amicable as possible for the kids. I'm sure it will get emotional at times and we'll both slip and do things that contradict our desire to put the kids first... but I'll do my best to keep my side focused and moving forward. That's all I can do.
I'm interviewing a bunch of attorneys today - need to get a replacement lined up ASAP. Got some input regarding one of the replacements I was looking at - turns out she's a shark too. Damnit. I'll keep looking until I find one that works for me. No rushed decisions this time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by Jazzman
Oh and I would really try to be the first to file, if it were me.
I know my AH... and he does have a kind heart, and wants what's best for the children. Me too. I have no interest in annihilating him. I trust that he has no interest in doing that to me either.
But, if he should go down that road, I'll respond accordingly.
For now things are amicable, and I'll be sure to keep my side of it that way.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
The counselor I saw had 25 years experience in addiction counseling. I remember when I told her I was going to file for divorce. She said "Be prepared. When they find out they can't have the love, they want the money." I wasn't too concerned because my AH never had a materialistic bone in his body. He never cared a bit about money.
It was less than a month later when he started with the threats to sue me for spousal support, half my pension, half the equity in the house, and on and on. Fortunately for me, he didn't have the resolve to follow through OR the money to retain an attorney. Not trying to scare you, but don't be surprised if his "amicable" side goes on vacation.
L
It was less than a month later when he started with the threats to sue me for spousal support, half my pension, half the equity in the house, and on and on. Fortunately for me, he didn't have the resolve to follow through OR the money to retain an attorney. Not trying to scare you, but don't be surprised if his "amicable" side goes on vacation.
L
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Thanks LTD... like I said, I will hope for the best, but am prepared to do battle if need be.
The two lawyers that I had recommendations for have been IMPOSSIBLE to connect with. They won't return my repeated calls, nor set up appointments for me to come in... a sign that maybe they just aren't the attorney for me?!?!? I think so.
So, one of those attorney's is member of a coalition of Collaborative Family Lawyers, which is how I want to do my divorce. I found another member and gave her office a call... I was put directly in touch with the paralegal who would assist the attorney through the divorce process. She spent an hour on the phone with me. Detailing how the process would work and how they handle it in their office. We spoke about my current attorney and why I don't wan to use him.
The whole conversation flowed freely and calmly. She was exactly what I was looking for!! She agreed that my approach (to negotiate this between me and AH) is the best solution for the kids, but indicated that should it turn away from that... they have no problems going to bat for me. She gave me great advice on how I need to terminate my existing retainer, and how to substitute attorneys. I feel comfortable and at peace - it feels right, and that means alot to me.
As far as the money goes... AH and I make the same amount of money and have the same amount in retirement. I have more equity in the house, but have no issue dividing it 50/50. In fact, I'm willing to give it all to him - just to get him out of my life. I'm fortunate in that I have a successful business and really don't need any money from him to survive. Even if the business were to tank, I could go and work for an enginering firm tomorrow and be making more than I am on my own now.
It's really simple for me - I just want to be on my own and co-parent with him in an amicable fashion. I feel blessed that I am in the position I am with my career... to be able to support myself and the kids without help is huge.
The two lawyers that I had recommendations for have been IMPOSSIBLE to connect with. They won't return my repeated calls, nor set up appointments for me to come in... a sign that maybe they just aren't the attorney for me?!?!? I think so.
So, one of those attorney's is member of a coalition of Collaborative Family Lawyers, which is how I want to do my divorce. I found another member and gave her office a call... I was put directly in touch with the paralegal who would assist the attorney through the divorce process. She spent an hour on the phone with me. Detailing how the process would work and how they handle it in their office. We spoke about my current attorney and why I don't wan to use him.
The whole conversation flowed freely and calmly. She was exactly what I was looking for!! She agreed that my approach (to negotiate this between me and AH) is the best solution for the kids, but indicated that should it turn away from that... they have no problems going to bat for me. She gave me great advice on how I need to terminate my existing retainer, and how to substitute attorneys. I feel comfortable and at peace - it feels right, and that means alot to me.
As far as the money goes... AH and I make the same amount of money and have the same amount in retirement. I have more equity in the house, but have no issue dividing it 50/50. In fact, I'm willing to give it all to him - just to get him out of my life. I'm fortunate in that I have a successful business and really don't need any money from him to survive. Even if the business were to tank, I could go and work for an enginering firm tomorrow and be making more than I am on my own now.
It's really simple for me - I just want to be on my own and co-parent with him in an amicable fashion. I feel blessed that I am in the position I am with my career... to be able to support myself and the kids without help is huge.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Then settle for what each of you are entitled to by law, half the equity and child support based on the state guidelines, let him buy you out since he seems to want the house. No spousal support and you each keep your own retirement. Don't give up your equity, put it in a college fund for the kids or something like that. After all the raw feelings heal then hopefully you two should be able to co parent the kids for years to come.
I offered Mel exactly what she was entitled to by law, nothing more nothing less. After some legal show boating by her lawyer and dragging their feet, she settled exactly for that at the 11th hour. I walked out with my dignity intact and that was important to me.
I forgot you already filed.
I offered Mel exactly what she was entitled to by law, nothing more nothing less. After some legal show boating by her lawyer and dragging their feet, she settled exactly for that at the 11th hour. I walked out with my dignity intact and that was important to me.
I forgot you already filed.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
