Seeking insight

Old 04-23-2011, 01:54 PM
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Seeking insight

I texted RAH this am and told him I was scared, I was having trouble letting my wall down.

"No $h!t. I hadn't noticed."

Not exactly the response I was looking for and I said so. He texted back with "You're on your own, I tried to be nice, do what you ask, and get closer to you. All of which not only had no positive results but actually made things worse."

Perfect! I am on my own. Oh wait, how is that different than oh, I don't know, our entire freaking marriage?

It was what I needed. I told him I was moving out and going to a friend's house until I found a place.

"Do whatever you want."

Ok then. I felt sad but relieved all afternoon. I took him six hours to text me again.

"I don't want you to leave. I want normalcy too, but I don't know how to help you."

And then ...

"Why do you want to quit when things are picking up steam?"

Am I right to see this as a last ditch effort to get me to stay through the quacking? I don't even trust my own judgment anymore. As was mentioned in a previous post, he doesn't have a full-time job and I pay all the bills.

I don't know what to trust anymore.

Your $0.02?
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Old 04-23-2011, 02:09 PM
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I wish I could remember everyones details, but its so tough.

Im sorry, I do not remember how long he has been at recovery.

Yes, it is hard to keep resentment at bay when you are still shouldering the financial burden.

I put my foot down about that one, and RAH did get up and start working again.

Its hard to say whether he wants to stay because it is easy for him to be there, or because he wants the marriage to work out.

I have no great advice, right now, just solidarity in your frustration.
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Old 04-23-2011, 02:09 PM
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Yes, he is quacking. Chances are he took some time to realize what it would mean if you actually did leave. How would he pay what needs to be paid? If you pay all the bills, why are you the one moving out? Can he afford the place and all associated bills on his own? No. Would you be paying for the marital home along with your new place? Are you okay with that? He was being a jerk until you mentioned leaving. Then, after thinking about what that would actually mean, he texts back that he doesn't want you to go.

It's an attempt at manipulation.
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Old 04-24-2011, 06:47 PM
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That doesn't sound like someone trying to work things through in the interest of both parties.

That sounds like someone only concerned about himself.
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Old 04-24-2011, 07:30 PM
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It looks to me like you gave him an olive branch and he took it and smacked you with it. Gee thanks. Makes me wonder how recovered he really is. I don't remember your whole story, but I do know you have lived with an A for a H and therefore you have been put through an emotional wringer. In a normal relationship if you would have said that to your spouse the reaction would have been " I understand, I don't want you to feel this way. What can I do or say that may help you? We have been through so much, so I know for us to be close again and for you to trust me will take some time. I am willing to give you that time and prove my trust". So how did I do? Is that more of what you wanted to hear? Me too! Why do they not get it!? I agree with the others, it sounds like quacking to me.
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Old 04-24-2011, 07:39 PM
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Oh dear, that's almost identical to a conversation Im having with my AH now. We talked about divorce/separation.. And at first he said, I'll go. He was trying to placate me by being the amicable spouse (ie. See how nice I am? How could you make me leave?). I said, "fine. Let's get the divorce started and get the show on the road!". And then he switched to mr. Pissy. "I'm leaving MY house. Why do I have to go?!?" I responded with..."fine. I'll go."

I told him tonight that I had found several houses I was interested in renting. I'd let him know as soon as I had picked one and had a scheduled move date.

He was shocked. "I cant believe you really are quitting. I really thought you were better than that." "like I said, I'll let you know when I have something set up. Good night."

All of his attempts to manipulate me back into the dance were failing miserably. I want what I want for very valid and truthful reasons. No amount of discussion or emotional terrorism from my AH is going to change that.

Though your AH is in recovery, the isms are still clearly in effect. Keep your feet oN the ground, and your eyes focused on you.
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Old 04-25-2011, 07:16 AM
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"I don't know what to trust anymore."

Trust yourself, Dear. I can tell from your post that you're exactly where I was about 17 months ago. Finally enough was enough and I wanted my life back. Today we're divorced. And he's still drinking. I love him but I can fix him or make him want to fix himself. I'm living my life and that is pretty good right now.
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