GettingBy

This I going to long, sorry.

I had a very lengthy talk with husband tonight. Crap was aired, more of his than mine... I've been letting my out a little at a time... So this was mostly his blow off.

He let me have it, unfiltered. He's mad, really mad at me. He thinks I'm being unreasonable about wantinga divorce. Thinks I'm quitting, being extreme, controlling, etc. Told me that everybody he told thinks I'm a control freak, Type A, classic engineer, etc. I asked them if he was honest to them about everything that's going on and he said, "yes, I told them about delaware, but they all think you are blowing it way out of proportion". he told me that I hold him to unreasonable standards. We talked about a bunch of other things... But the details don't matter.... What matters is how I feel now....

1. I don't think I blew the delaware incident out of proportion. It's unacceptable and 1.5 months later he still fails to acknowledge how much that hurt me emotionally.
2. The decision to divorce, while it may seem sudden to him (because of his lack of participation), has been on my mid since October. Things have been bad with us for a long time (that he did acknowledge).
3. I realize that a large part of my hurt and resentments is due expectations and wants... Of things he just can't give me, or has not been willing to give me because of his own hurts /anger.
4. I have not fully processed the melanoma issue from November/December. Sure, I'm grateful to have dodged the bullet, so to speak, but I'm left with a 5" scar down the outside of my arm... And I'm mad about that. I'm dreading the summer, tank tops, and all the comments (it's an ugly scar). He told me tonight that my anger about me arm is yet another example of how I just don't know how to be happy. He said, "why can't you just look at that as see the blessings?". Well, I do, but yet a part of me is still healing emotionally... And I think that's okay... And i can't lie... I was pissed to have him take my inventory.
5. He told me that he's been mad at me for years, and that I'm not his best friend. It hurt to hear that... And as much as he says divorce is wrong... All those things he is finally admitting to, tell me that our marriage is dead, and has been for longer than I even thought... And that like it or not, we are headed to divorce.

He took my inventory big time, and some of it was spot on. I know I have work to do, but some of what he complained about... I don't want to change. I have high standards, and I'm okay with that. Expect my spouse to be emotionally involved in our marriage, and to communicate with me... Not just stuff things and then blow up 5 yrs later. That's not fair.

I guess what this all boiled down to... He wants to blame me. Hes unhappy, hell, he's downright angry and miserable... But up til tonight he didn't want to admit it. He agrees that we suck as husband and wife but thinks that we should stick it out for the kids. I adamantly disagree. And thus, I am the one who has to pull the trigger. I asked him, "if not divorce, then what? What do you suggest we do?". He has no ideas. He said that part of him just wants to get away from me so he can get back to feeling good about himself.

We are toxic for each other. I am more resolved than ever that we need to work on ourselves right now... And then see where the marriage goes. How the hell do you do that and live together??

The divorce papers are signed, but not yet filed at the clerks office. I emailed the attorney and asked him to hold them. My head knows it's the right decision, but my heart isn't there yet.

Help me out here folks... Need ESH.

kittykitty

I think you are heading in the right direction. Kids that grow up in an unhappy home are FAR worse off than kids that grow up in a divorced home. You'll know what to do when the time is right.

As far as the inventory...while he is so busy pointing a finger at you, he forgets that there are three fingers pointing back at him.

I don't know what happened in Delaware, but after what i just read, he is probably very aware of how hurt you were/are with whatever he did, and he's probably enjoying it. He sounds like someone who enjoys causing others pain. From my experience, expecting them to acknowledge it (or even care, for that matter) only leads to disappointment. But then again, I could be wrong.

You just keep the focus on you, and your recovery from all this. Realize that you can't control how he feels, or how he decides to see things, or even what he chooses to do about it. Just focus on what YOU can do about it.

Sending you hugs

BobbyJ

Wow...
I have heard alot of the same things from mine..
I thinks its easy to have anger, when they still act like jack asses...

There is nothing that says YOU have to file for divorce right away.
Can you atleast seperate for a couple of months???

We tried to live together and make it work too! It was beyond toxic!!!

It was TOXIC with a capital "T"

I got lucky and mine moved 2,000 miles away...

In my case, time apart, has let me step out of the smoke and see the fire (the toxic love, the alcoholic for what he is today and will always be, until he finds true recovery!!!)

Ive had the chance to work on getting myself happy and
learning about me again, instead of him and all of his problems. I have learned
alot about myself and I like it.

Ive had the chance to physically and visually DETACH from mine..
And....The light has finally come on!!

We all hope to get the golden ticket from our husbands "TRUE RECOVERY"

Time apart....Does a body good!

BobbyJ

Question:
Is he in true recovery or just white knuckling the program?
How long has he been truely sober?
Is he applying the 12 steps to his life?

Is that something you can continue to live with?

bookwyrm

If he doesn't blame you, who else is he going to blame? This is so familiar. In the world according to XAH I am the devil incarnate. He is the eternal victim. He takes no responsibility for our divorce - even with the OW on the scene! Don't take on all the blame here. He is quacking and lashing out. His world is changing and he's not happy about it. You're taking action to have a better life for both of you. This takes strength and a desire for wellness. His plan to not change anything isn't much of a plan at all - especially if he's been as miserable as he said he was! Quack.

Oh and as one kid whose parents tried to stay together for the sake of the children - please don't!!

GettingBy

I woke up sadder than ever. The words are stinging me like a thousand little knives...

I'm no fun, never have been. Why cant i be like other wives and be more loving and understanding? He's just being a guy, and made a few mistakes.

I feel like a pretty horrible person today. I feel broken and unworthy of love... And interestingly enough, I want this divorce more now than ever. But, today, I think about that and worry if I'm just running away.

The seesaw in my head.... Maybe I do need to stay and try and work on this... Then it switches to, but we've been down that road, and we can't fundamentally change who we are as individuals... And so does staying in this just mean delaying the inevitable?

My mind is my own worst enemy today. I need to find calm in the storm.

LexieCat

GB,

You are letting the grain of truth in SOME of his rantings make you doubt everything you know. Even liars and idiots are right occasionally about something simply by virtue of statistical probability.

So he sneaked in a couple of things that happen to be true, or you think might be true. How does that CHANGE anything? You have good reasons for divorcing. You have thought this through very carefully. You shouldn't allow his last-ditch barrage of blaming you make you doubt all your hard work to get you to this place.

You're stuck on the idea that if you file, that makes you the "bad guy" for ending the marriage. That's true only if you buy into the idea that he's right about everything he says. But he's not. It is ALL manipulation to make you doubt yourself and back down and not do what you know is the right thing to do right now.

He will NEVER agree that you should divorce. NEVER. So if you are waiting for that one, you might as well shred the papers and resign yourself to continuing in a "relationship" that has been horrible for you.

If I thought you were acting hastily, I'd be the first one to say maybe you should wait a bit. I think you've BEEN waiting, and have thought everything through very carefully, and made the decision that's best for you. There doesn't seem to be any upside to waiting longer. You will just be prolonging the misery.

Hugs, big ones,

Thumper

Do not doubt yourself, the voice inside yourself, your perceptions, or your own truths. They are real. Protect them. Honor them.

Focus on them and push away all the confusion that is caused by his manipulations. You will know your answers.

As for him - Quack Quack Quack. :

fourmaggie

I so agree with this quote LexieCat...and you're right on too....gosh the A's they do that so well eh?

he has not excepted any responsiblity for this marriage...none...dont take his blames!

sure you need more recovery for YOU....but that is for you, and not him to decide that...wow! what a world of denial he is living in....

you will see this through...this is just a hump in your thinking...so stop! think! and no stinking thinking

do what you think is right for you

fixer

I know exactly how you are feeling since I'm moving down the same path. You both are probably very nice people but not right together. I say that since there is a part of you who is thinking about staying. Sometimes two people are not meant to be with each other. Doesn't mean someone is better, or worse, it's just the way it is. I think familiarity clouds judgement, sometimes a bad known is easier to deal with than the unknown. From your description I'd say you are a nuts and bolts person so this abstract situation must be a killer. Good luck.

stella27

I have a sick child and no time to post the reply I want to...

Airing it out with my spouse never helped once we got to that point because so much was blaming and angry and ugly.

Name-calling and put-downs are not normal parts of marriage.

No-contact is what helped me at times like this. call it trial separation, call it taking a few days for yourself, but you deserve to get away from the noise and the quacking.

Wishing you strength to remember what is true.

RECF

I know how you feel. All the fights all the blow outs getting worse and worse and worse - and to think of all the time and pain I could've saved if I'd had the strength to follow through. But right now you gotta be strong for your kids. Kids are smarter than you think. They probably know that your husband's a little absent. I love my mother with all my heart, but when I look at her relationship with my alkie father and all the pain and abuse I had to suffer because she wouldn't leave him, I can't help but be a little angry with her.

Jazzman

He's very good. He almost has you believing that assault is acceptable.

GettingBy

RECF... you described my home life. My Dad drank when I was little, my mom gave him an ultimatum and he stopped... but he didn't recover. He just became a dry drunk. It was hell growing up in that environment. They fought, yelled and screamed... I swear our floor was entirely of eggshells. Looking back now, I wish they had divorced. Of course, if you ask my mother, she looks back and thinks everything was peachy keen. Denial.

My husband comes from a chain of broken homes - his dad was an abusive alcoholic, so his mom divorced him, and husband No. 2 and is now working on No. 3. So, his perspective is that he does NOT want the kids growing up in a broken home environment.

So neither of us wants for our kids what we had as children. But the reality is, the two of us together cant give them a healthy stable home environment.

That's it right there in a nutshell... you have two very hurt and angry people dumping trash on each other... and it's only making the situation worse. I need to stop talking to him.

For me, I was trying to take the high road. Not nitpick his side of the street. I wanted to just leave it at "We don't belong together." He's hurt and feels bad, and is doing what he thinks will make him feel better.

I know I have work to do on me... but there's no way I'm going to start it until I am free and clear of the mess I'm in right now. Digging into it now will only hurt me more, and probably make me question my decision to leave.

I need to figure out how I can co-habitate with him until the divorce/house/crap is all settled.

First step - I'm going to move into the guest bedroom. I'm not sharing a bed with him anymore.
Step Two - I'm going to work out a schedule as to how we are going to split time with the kids. I will not continue to play the chirade in front of them that everything is okay. I think we should split weekends up - he has them this weekend and I'll go away some place and take time for me. I have them next weekend - and he goes away some place. Weekdays will be a little harder to figure out... but not impossible.

I went to the hardware store last night... looking for bread.... and doing that only leads to hurt and resentment for me. Gotta stop that.

Thanks everybody!

StarCat

You know what is right for you.
You've known it for a long time.
What are you going to do about it?

EDIT: And we posted at the same time. You're on the road to your own freedom and recovery. Don't let him run you off of it.


Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

LS2

I couldn't think strait and know what I wanted until HE was forced to leave. I kept thinking over and over and believing all the lies/manipulation/blame and then driving myself further down into thinking maybe one day it will change.

Would taking a separation be a possibility? Just so you can get your thoughts/wants/needs straiten out.

Once he has left and been gone for two weeks, I know for SURE that we are unhealthy together. It's best for me and the kids. I really don't care if I inconvienced his life.

FindingPeace1

You and I have been traveling the same road.

I look at it as two separate issues.

His behavior doesn't work for me, hence divorce.

I have some work to do on me, hence...working on me.

You're working on you isn't going to fix him or the marriage. You can't fix alcoholism, remember?

Don't let it get tangled up.

Hugs,
peace

BobbyJ

Is it possible for him or you to move out of the house for awhile?

From my experiance: Guest bedrooms are for guest
(It doesnt help neither one of you, when your under the same roof)

GettingBy

Just for clarification for everybody... we live in NY and there is no way to temporarily separate (ie. he goes and gets his own apartment, etc). The minute either of us abandons the marital home - the leaver loses joint custody of kids, the one left behind becomes responsible for the mortgage/marital home bills/etc.

We very stupidly bought a new house 2 years ago, that neither of us can afford on our own. So, as much as I want to kick his butt to the curb, I can't afford to. And, if he leaves, he loses the kids, and I don't want that. So, we have to cohabitate until the separation agreement is established. SUCKO big time.

tjp613

This post really hurts me... I feel your pain because I lived it, too (even the grabbing of the throat incident). I'm divorced now (15 years) but I can STILL recall that "punched in the stomach" feeling as if it were yesterday. Suddenly your head is swimming with self-doubt and humiliation. You feel about 2" tall and want to just go crawl under a rock. You question everything you thought you knew about yourself and ask out loud: "Am I REALLY that bad???" It's awful!! All of it!!!

My then-husband was (and still is) an alcoholic that sounds *very much* like your husband. He, too, tried to guilt me into staying "for the kids". But when my kids got old enough to understand English and could hear him calling me every name in the book, and my little 5 yr old son was just standing there with his jaw down to his chest, eyes wide, and scared.... that's when I said, "ENOUGH!"

I'm not going to sugar-coat things for you -- Divorce is hard for everyone involved and I've been through my own brand of hell because of the fallout. But would I do it again? YES. IN A HEARTBEAT!

He's still drinking. He's still in denial although there is a trail of carnage behind him a mile long.

I see now that yes, I could have endured another 4 or 5 years...maybe....but I'm glad I didn't. We would have never lasted. I am too proud to suffer that kind of disrespect. I just didn't have the stomach for it.

I see him now so much more clearly. I see myself, too. Yes...I have faults...lots of them. But I never attack anyone's character nor have I ever laid a hand on anyone. These are boundaries I just won't violate...nor will I tolerate having them violated against me.

You are reeling from the hurtful words today. Know that you will heal, though it will take time.

You are a-okay just the way you are. Believe it and remember it always. (((Hugs)))