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Old 04-14-2011, 04:04 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Yup, you need to at least talk to a lawyer. Understand your rights and obligations, then you can do whatever you want to, so long as you are willing to accept the consequences.

Sometimes it's best to walk away from what you are "entitled" to. You've been married less than a year. I assume you haven't owned the house much longer than that? With the housing market as it's been I doubt it has appreciated much (if at all) in value. Even though you might be "entitled" to some or all of any equity, you're probably mostly paying interest still at this point, and there is relatively little equity. The money you've paid on the mortgage you can think of as paying rent. You wouldn't get any money back after you leave a rental.

You want to make sure any credit ding against him doesn't rub off on you (hence the need to consult a lawyer), but if it doesn't, or there's a way to separate your credit now, you could walk away from the house and let him deal with it.
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Old 04-14-2011, 06:08 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Wow.. GA has Habitual intoxication as grounds for divorce? Never seen that before.

Money you spend on an initial consultation could very well be the best couple hundred dollars you EVER spent... EVER!!!
Amazing about GA having the habitual intoxication as grounds.
I just had to repeat what Jazzman said.

I understand not wanting to make that step putmeontheair.
I felt the same way, that once I was on the road to divorce, that was it.
Well, I have found out differently, just talk to an attorney.
No papers need to be signed, no drama needs to be involved, actually, it might be best to keep it to yourself.
I waited too long, thinking my ex "would never do that to me", well, he did in spades.
Get some information and make an informed decision.

Beth
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Old 04-14-2011, 06:20 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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I was able to get a separation specifically stating that if he gets medical bills, etc. and we end up divorcing, they will be his bills and not mine. He has been in and out of the hospital so much and currently has no insurance, so this was a big concern of mine. Too bad you can't do that in your state!

But, as others say, see a lawyer, it's only a couple hundred dollars and totally worth it!
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Old 04-14-2011, 06:21 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Wow.. GA has Habitual intoxication as grounds for divorce? Never seen that before.
NH has it too. It's phrased "habitual drunkeness" here... I've told AH that if we get divorced it will be a fault based divorce and that's how I'll be filing. His reply... "with what proof". Charming huh? Though he does have a good point. Without DUI's or arrests due to public intoxication it's really a he said she said issue for he and I. Hopefully it won't get to that point though....
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Old 04-14-2011, 07:29 PM
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I don't think that in most States, anymore, there is any advantage to filing on fault-based grounds.

What's the point, if it doesn't get you anything? All it does is jab at the other person for the sake of jabbing. Not to mention, you are guaranteeing yourself an expensive court battle.

I think no-fault divorce is a blessing.
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Old 04-14-2011, 07:55 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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In California, you have two choices for the reason.

1. Irreconcilable differences
2. Incurable insanity

I really considered number two, but then I found out you had to prove it, lol. Really, I don't think it matters if you are in a community property state.

L
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Old 04-14-2011, 11:00 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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I wasn't suggesting those grounds.. I just thought that was weird. I wonder how many other states have grounds like that? I can just picture an old southern lawyer dressed like Col. Sanders claiming those grounds with a thick southern accent...

I'm all for amicable and no fault.
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Old 04-14-2011, 11:38 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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SD has habitual intemperance.

I filed irreconcilable differences and I was seriously worried he was not going to agree to it just to be a PITA.
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Old 04-15-2011, 02:35 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Before I consulted lawyers I got some books on divorce out of the library. I did talk to 3 lawyers and a couple didn't charge me. Time well spent.
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Old 04-15-2011, 07:46 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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ND has "Abuse of alcohol or controlled substances" listed as one of 6 "faults for divorce. That one I can prove.

good luck OP.
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Old 04-15-2011, 08:27 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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It's easier than that...

It's his house. Period. You don't have to pay at all unless you live there. Paying his bills is part of what got you here in the first place.

You divorce, you pay your bills, you DO NOT pay his bills.

I've reconciled with my wife and I don't pay her bills anymore. I make three times what she makes so I pay utilities, but she pays internet and half of our rent (and we split groceries). No matter how much more money than her I ever make, I will never return to paying all the bills. Ever.

I truly believe if I were to start paying all the bills I would be enabling again and therefore endangering her recovery and mine.

Cyranoak
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Old 04-15-2011, 08:47 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
It's his house. Period. You don't have to pay at all unless you live there. Paying his bills is part of what got you here in the first place.

You divorce, you pay your bills, you DO NOT pay his bills.

I've reconciled with my wife and I don't pay her bills anymore. I make three times what she makes so I pay utilities, but she pays internet and half of our rent (and we split groceries). No matter how much more money than her I ever make, I will never return to paying all the bills. Ever.

I truly believe if I were to start paying all the bills I would be enabling again and therefore endangering her recovery and mine.

Cyranoak
Thanks Cyranoak -- what about before you officially divorced?
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Old 04-15-2011, 04:11 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Hi, Putmeontheair. I've been debating on whether or not to post here. I wouldn't have wanted to hear my story while I was separated from XAH and waiting for him to sober up...

I was separated (not legally separated, just living apart) from now-XAH for 2 years before filing for divorce. I left him with the intention, which I clearly told him repeatedly, that it was only until he admitted he needed help and sought that help. No more drinking. I'm not subjecting DS and I to that any more. XAH didn't really believe that I would stay gone until he cleaned up; he thought I'd cave in and come back.

In the months before I left, I stopped paying his truck payment and told his sister (the truck was in his sister's name); I took him off my car insurance and told him he needed to get his own (again told his sister); took his name off my accounts and told him he needed to get his own.

When I left, I told our landlords (his dad and sister) that DS and I were leaving. I called the utilities and tried to get my name off of those. One was done, simple no worries. The other was mis-handled (for want of a better word) by the utility and I was harrassed for over a year for XAH's non-payment; I ended up explaining again and again and again that I had not lived there for months - that I hadn't lived there since I'd opened an account with them for my own place. Each time, they said 'oh, yeah, we see where you'd called' and that they'd note the file and stop calling. Then I'd get a call again.... On and on, until some one actually followed through and took my name off the account.

XAH decided he didn't want to work on himself. He lost his truck, he drank himself into a broken shoulder from riding his bike under the influence, (thank HP he wasn't driving), crashing on friends' couches rather than having his own place, looking like a walking skeleton from lack of food... It was easier for him to find a new enabler and keep on drinking than it was to do "everything" I'd ask him to do.

So regardless of how 'friendly' he may be now, I agree with the other posters that it's a really good idea to take steps to protect yourself financially. It's really hard to guess just what an alcoholic may do when he loses his main enabler or crutch.

At the same time, just because you move out now, it doesn't mean the next step is divorce. There can be as many steps between those two as you want to put there.

Hang in there.
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Old 04-17-2011, 07:18 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Before we divorced...

...I paid for everything.


Originally Posted by putmeontheair View Post
Thanks Cyranoak -- what about before you officially divorced?
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Old 04-18-2011, 10:32 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
I don't think that in most States, anymore, there is any advantage to filing on fault-based grounds.

What's the point, if it doesn't get you anything? All it does is jab at the other person for the sake of jabbing. Not to mention, you are guaranteeing yourself an expensive court battle.

I think no-fault divorce is a blessing.
In NH fault based divorce is a factor in paying back money (compensatory damages or something like that), custody (if the parent is proven not to be safe ie: habitual drunkeness)... I always wanted, if I got to the point of divorce, to be able to do it as amicably as possible. But to do that presumes that you are working with someone who has the same goal in mind. In the case of my AH that's not the case. So, if I file, unless he gets abducted by aliens and changes remarkably, it will be under a fault based reason simply to protect myself and my kids.

AH has stolen thousands of dollars over the years and I have in writing from him that he intends to pay it back. If filing with a fault reason will make that happen (so the girls can have some savings, so I can lessen our debt etc..) that's what I intend to do.
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