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Separating?

Old 04-14-2011, 11:03 AM
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Separating?

For those of you who have left RAH/AH/AW/RAW ... if you were paying a majority (or all) of the bills. What did you do when you left about the financials?
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Old 04-14-2011, 11:06 AM
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I continued to pay my bills and let him worry about his own. I kept the house and paid for it, paid all utilities, my personal bills, etc. His bills were on him.
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Old 04-14-2011, 11:06 AM
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ugh.

I still deal with him on financial stuff.
I am working my way toward being independent so I can say, whatever, just pay your child support and leave it alone.

But Im not there. Yet.

I pay/ paid for most of everything.
I wish it could be different, but now I am in a situation where I need his help, and he is sober and willing to help, some.

I know it leaves the door open to him being in my every other day to day living, but I am stuck.

I have no advice, just an ugh in comiseration.
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Old 04-14-2011, 11:10 AM
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Suki -- did you both have your name on the title? My name isn't on the title, but RAH can't afford the mortgage.
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Old 04-14-2011, 11:12 AM
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I continued to pay everything on my own except his school loan. We divorced so we sold the house etc. I paid it on my own even though we split the profit What can you do? Fighting it in court would have been miserable and would not have netted me much, if any, money anyway because the legal fee's would have made it a wash.

ETA: My name was the only one on the mortgage, even though his name was on the title. That is the law for married couples in the state I live. I would not default on the house payments because I didn't want my credit ruined. He didn't care - and wasn't working so didn't have any $$ anyway. He did leave the house. I was living in it for awhile but then found the house I would be buying when our sold so moved into that one and it sat empty for about 3mos - which I paid for.
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Old 04-14-2011, 11:16 AM
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I got a lawyer to protect my interests, did a net worth statement, got the house according to the separation agreement, and continue to pay all the bills. He is now living in a homeless shelter for the past several months. When bill collectors call my home for his bills, I tell them we are legally separated and I have no clue where to reach him and to please take my number off their list, which they usually do.
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Old 04-14-2011, 11:57 AM
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I plan on not using the car, and we'll see if he can get a roommate so he could buy me out on that. We'll see how that plays out. The utility bills are going to be tough, but I gave him plenty of notice, and even though I'm moving out 'early', I'll still pay my share of those bills. He's been working more, just because the season is picking up (he's a musician). He wants to keep renting me part of the studio for my side business, but I think it makes more sense to take everything with me (both emotionally, and practically).
Too bad about the dozen chickens though. I can't take them to the apartment, and he has never cleaned their coops. Hahahahahaha. He'll learn. At $4 a dozen for organic eggs, he's planning on keeping them.

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Old 04-14-2011, 12:02 PM
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Originally Posted by putmeontheair View Post
Suki -- did you both have your name on the title? My name isn't on the title, but RAH can't afford the mortgage.
Both our names were on the deed, but he signed it fully over to me in the divorce. If your name isn't on the deed, I wouldn't worry about the payments. He's a grown man and if he can't afford his house, he needs to sell it. What is the point of separating if you continue to pay his bills? He needs to learn to take care of himself.
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Old 04-14-2011, 12:08 PM
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Agreed ... just not sure if I'm permanently separating or not.

Ugh. I need a vacation.
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Old 04-14-2011, 12:10 PM
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Please my friend as the voice of experience - go seek the advice of any attorney as soon as possible!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My story is the horror story of filing for divorce with an addict/alcoholic ~ especially if you live in a community property state!

(if you want to know the horrid details you can search my past post- but I won't hijack this thread & go into details)

Mostly, I would recommend no matter how "nice" he may say he is going to be ~ please seek professional advice and someone that truly knows the law in your area! Better to protect yourself NOW than to say oh I wish I would have!

PINK HUGS & prayers for the very best as you go thru this painful experience! But Hang in there - there is Peace, Joy & Freedom on the other side!!
Rita
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Old 04-14-2011, 12:18 PM
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When you guys are saying involve lawyers, etc. ... even during a trial separation that I'm not 100% sure will lead to divorce? I don't have a lot of cash.
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Old 04-14-2011, 12:19 PM
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Pink -- can you PM me the post you're referring to? I'm having difficulty finding it specifically, although I've read through several of your posts already. You have a lot! :-)
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Old 04-14-2011, 12:39 PM
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Originally Posted by putmeontheair View Post
When you guys are saying involve lawyers, etc. ... even during a trial separation that I'm not 100% sure will lead to divorce? I don't have a lot of cash.
Involving a lawyer doesn't have to mean hiring one. But, you need to educate yourself on the possible outcomes (mostly financial) of separating. Some attorneys will offer and initial consultation of 1/2 hour or an hour at no cost. Others may charge you for a meeting. Either way, you're not obligated to hire them or proceed with anything.

There are a lot of variables in what you are asking here. Are you just talking about living separately, remaining married, with no legal agreement? Or, are you talking about a "legal separation," which involves a court case and an enforceable set of conditions? These are the kind of questions an attorney can answer for you. Also, state laws apply to divorce and separation, so even if we share our own experience, your state could be entirely different than mine.

All in all, I can tell you that I felt much more comfortable knowing what I needed to do after I consulted with an attorney.

L
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Old 04-14-2011, 12:43 PM
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Thanks. You can't legally separate in the state of Georgia ... it's divorced or married.

My situation is this:

I pay all the bills while he pays nothing except for his child support. The house is completely in his name whereas my name is not on it but I make the payments. I'm trying to figure out if, in a separation of some sort, do I continue to make payments? Ultimately I'll have to pay for myself to live someplace, but I can stay with a friend temporarily.

lakskj;dflaksjdf

One year ago I wasn't even married yet.

*scream*
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Old 04-14-2011, 12:44 PM
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When I separated from XAH, I knew that it wasn't a "trial separation", but I still took care of the financial aspect of things myself. Even though I had a lawyer, she only got involved after mediation failed.

Since we were both on the lease for the apartment, XAH agreed to take over the lease. We had to serve the landlord via certified mail with the paperwork attesting to his willingness to take over the lease. Once she accepted, I was liberated from any and all obligation to pay whatever rent XAH would default on (which was smart of me since he defaulted on the rent 3 months after I left and moved out in the middle of the night).

I transfered all utilities in the apartment to him and separated our bank accounts, removing his access to my money.

In your case, if your H is on the mortgage and he cannot afford to pay it, then he needs to put it on the market. This is where a consultation with a lawyer would come in handy. At least go for 1 consultation so that you can get a clear picture of your financial and legal obligations as per your geographic area. The laws vary greatly from state to state. In some states, you could be held liable for half his debts (mortgage included) if you were to separate...
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Old 04-14-2011, 12:48 PM
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Then I think it comes down to whether or not you feel you need to protect yourself (financially) from him.

I separated from my husband for over a year before I filed for divorce. It was very stressful worrying about things like him getting a DUI and my insurance going up as a result. Or him not paying his taxes and the IRS coming after me. Or any other bill collectors for that matter.

I could have stayed married living separately forever if it wasn't for those fears. (Okay, maybe not forever, but protecting my assets was the main reason I decided to divorce.)

L
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Old 04-14-2011, 12:52 PM
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You can do one thing this month and change your mind next month. You don't have to make promises or commit to anything you are unsure of.

You could put that house payment under your mattress and then if you get back together you'd have extra money to catch up on the mortgage. It will be quite some time before they actually take the house.

Is it possible for him to pay the house if he makes it a priority? Work more, prioritize spending, get a job, things like that? If that is possible then I personally would let him make it a priority and if it isn't - then it just isn't but you found out something about his priorities too.

ETA: in my state without legal documents in place any debt my husband racked up was automatically half mine - regardless of if we were living together or not. These are types of things you need to find out.
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Old 04-14-2011, 12:56 PM
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Thumper -- that's kind of the whole problem in our relationship. He's riding the coattails. I literally got "I don't understand why whether we divorce or not is based on whether I have a job and am contributing to the household." Uh ... because it's a partnership? Soo the answer is yes, if he makes it a priority, he sure can. Without a doubt. He would have to actually apply for jobs though.

Seriously ... in my next life I want to be my RAH with a codependent me. If I hadn't started Al-Anon, all this crap would just be continuing. Bummer for him.
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Old 04-14-2011, 01:12 PM
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Originally Posted by putmeontheair View Post
Thanks. You can't legally separate in the state of Georgia ... it's divorced or married.

My situation is this:

I pay all the bills while he pays nothing except for his child support. The house is completely in his name whereas my name is not on it but I make the payments. I'm trying to figure out if, in a separation of some sort, do I continue to make payments? Ultimately I'll have to pay for myself to live someplace, but I can stay with a friend temporarily.

lakskj;dflaksjdf

One year ago I wasn't even married yet.

*scream*
It's pretty similiar here in NY. You can separate - but it's such an arduous process and there aren't clear defined "rules" to help facilitate an agreement. I initiated a divorce - but that doesn't mean we are divorced - it just defines the path/steps that need to be taken, and the "rules/guidelines" by how things like child support, division of assets, etc. are determined. We will be married until a final divorce decree is accepted by the judge... and from what I understand from others who are on the road ahead of me... that could mean YEARS until I'm single. It's a process - that needs to be taken one step, one day, at a time.

An attorney will be able to give you a clear answer on the house situation (his name but you're paying)... but I suspect that if you can clearly document it was YOUR money that paid down the loan - it's YOUR equity in the house. That being said, it's not cut and dry so going after than money will require an attorney.

I was right were you are... only a few weeks ago. I was lost, confused, and spinning my wheels. The only thing that got that to stop was talking to attorneys and educating myself on the law.
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Old 04-14-2011, 01:30 PM
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http://www.divorcesource.com/index.html

Pick your state and read. Here's the best link to start for GA.
http://www.divorcesource.com/info/di.../georgia.shtml

Wow.. GA has Habitual intoxication as grounds for divorce? Never seen that before.

Money you spend on an initial consultation could very well be the best couple hundred dollars you EVER spent... EVER!!!
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